I don’t think you’re arrogant, but I do think your attitude toward social interactions does warrant a second look. The fact that you’re questioning it ( Am I an arrogant person because of this?) makes me think that you might be considering another way to go.
I agree that everyone has something interesting about them. All you have to do is ask questions. Most people will open up…if a person doesn’t, then of course it’s difficult to have a discussion. It sounds, on the surface, like you are perfectly comfortable with the status quo, BUT, you’re questioning it…you need to wonder why…???
My story–I was similar to you but always knowingly had a longing to be able to socialize in that way. I formed deep friendships with people when I had long, intense exposure to, but if it was a person I saw only occasionally (such as in-laws), I just froze up. And, yes, at a certain point, I convinced myself that I simply didn’t have anything in common…but I’ve since discovered that sometimes the things you don’t have in common are the most interesting to discuss and learn about. Plus, it just feels good to connect with other people.
Here’s the game: You get a fixed number of days in which to live. This nuber is a secret. Biology dictates that you will be conscious only 60-75% of this time–that’s 14 - 18 hours available for 1) interacting with others or 2) introspection and 3) noncontemplation. You will run into problems if you spend too much time on any one of these activities. The trick, in your case, is to find the balance between diverse social interaction (Talking with folks whose interests are different from yours) and polishing experiences that you already know (flying with the same narrowly-focused flock). Nobody likes to “waste” their time talking with “fools,” but only by engaging the “fools” will you discover what other ideas exist beyond your own, and what other types of people exist outside of your own minions. If for no other reason than your own security, you MUST divine what moves the peasants!
I believe it is a good thing to be introspective, but if enough people see only this side of you, you will receive a label to the effect of “non-communicator” and you will be treated, and referred to in conversation, as such. You will be hobbled socially.
Compromise: Say “HI” to everyone you meet (unless you’re in the big city and don’t want an ass-whuppin’).
Sorry for the double post, but…try this. Next time you have (the opportunity) to strike up a conversation with someone with whom you feel no connection, put them on the offensive. Ask questions and receive answers as though you knew absolutely nothing about what they are saying (It is VERY far removed from my daily routine but I know a thing or two about plumbing, for instance, and I’d be interested in talking to a plumber after I’ve given him the lead role in the conversation–I just might learn something useful). You can be an ass about this if you want, but even an idiot can tell when you’re being insincere. Rather, teach yourself to know nothing (a basic Zen principle) and to receive everything as instruction. You can reflect on it later and see how it fits in with your current views.
That’s pretty much the definition of arrogant, insensitive, uncaring, selfish, socially inept, but I’m not sure if that’s your problem. It sounds to me that you might naturally be a more introverted person. This means that socializing with people takes some effort so you might limit your socializing to situations where you will receive the greatest ‘bang’ for your buck. In other words, you tend to shy away from people who are outside of your comfort zone because it takes greater effort.
Now if you are someone who simply ignores people because they don’t fall in your particular range of what is ‘cool’ then that would be pretty arrogant.
It all depends though. There are some people who are so different that it’s really difficult to find any kind of common ground. Or some people just act so inappropriately that you just don’t even want to be associated with them.
Part of being a good communicator is being able to communicate with all levels of social competence. Learning to put the awkward or uncomfortable more at ease and draw them out a bit is an important social skill, and you’re never going to learn it if you only deal with Chatty Cathy the Social Butterfly. Consider it a part of your education.
Better yet, think what kind shape you’d be in right now if those people improved your social skills refused to communicate with you because you were awkward and inept. Pay it forward and build some good karma, why don’t you?
Also, you might want to pay some attention to your facial expressions and other social cues you’re giving off in these instances. If you’re not taking part in the conversation except to answer direct questions, and you look bored to tears, or angry, you’re going to come across as an arrogant prick who thinks he’s too good to deal with such people. If you’re watching people as they speak, smiling and nodding in appropriate places, and otherwise appear to be taking an interest (if not a part) in the conversation, you come across as a nice guy who’s just doesn’t talk much.
Finally, you need to realize that sometimes it’s more important to be nice to people than to be entertained. When it comes down between being bored for a while and hurting the feelings of your family or friends, it’s generally much better to be bored.
IMO, in most social situations, an individual is not “pulling their weight” if they do not make significant effort to interact with others, and instead, sit back observing, deigning to participate only when they consider the others and their discussion worthy of their attention. Again IMO - people acting like that drain life out of most social gatherings. In such situations, few people want to feel that they are being observed and judged.
Of course, I am not advocating that you attempt to dominate a conversation. But I think that accepting an invitation to a gathering imposes some responsibility on the invitee to make some effort to smooth social interactions. Hell, if you’re not going to contribute to the conversation, I hope you at least make sure everyone’s drink is full! If you don’t want to equally participate in the act of trying to identify mutualities, then you might be better off staying at home, or limiting your socializing to those few people you consider worth your while. But outside of such closely controlled situations, I believe you have an obligation to be social in social situations.
As far as towards strangers standing in line or new acquaintences, I think you are unnecessarily limiting yourself - precluding the possibility that you will learn something or find a commonality. Heck, if nothing else, a little small talk or just a smile might make another person’s day a little more pleasant. But there certainly is no requirement that you do so. Your choice.
I think your attitude is properly characterized as arrogant and overly judgmental. Perhaps lacking compassion as well for other people and what they may have to offer. As a general rule, I’d probably say the less “judging” of other people you can do, the better.
Of course, if someone bores you, or simply does not interest you, you certainly ought not go out of your way to associate with them. But if you find yourself with them, IMO a little polite pleasantry is preferable to partially withdrawing from interaction - better to go all the way and withdraw your body out of there.
I have to disagree. The invitee does have some minimum responsibility. Providing introductions for one. “Hey this is so and so”.
I also consider it a little rude to have conversations where one or more of the people in the group are unable to participate. ie - If I’m with my friend ‘Bob’ and we are out with ‘Jim’ and ‘Fred’ (old college buddies of mine) and Jim, Fred and myself continue to monopolize the conversation with annecdotes about people and events from college, that is rude. Bob has no meaningful way to participate in the conversation since he did not share those events or know those people.
On a related note, it is starting to drive me nuts that 2 weekends in a row, I’ve gone to parties thrown by my girlfriends friends and I have a better time than she does. All she does is gripe and complain about this that and the other thing. WTF? They’re HER friends! I didn’t force us to go!
I’m as arrogant and aloof as they come but if the choice is between socializing and standing in the corner being miserable, I’m going to socialize even if they aren’t the people I would want to normally chill with.
With practice you can make yourself converse more readily with others. You might be surprised at how interesting some people are. And even if they are not, you owe them the courtesy of appearing interested in them. I’m not talking about standing in line at the grocery store (although a pleasant word doesn’t cost you anything and may brighten the day for someone else) but in social occasions. My family likes to get together and play cards. While I’m not a big card player, I will ask who’s winning or comment on the number of poker chips so-and-so has managed to collect. To me, this is common civility.
Unfortunately, the first time I went to one of these gatherings, I was not introduced to anyone and believe me I tried to join in on many an occasion but was still ignored. It was not that I found them boring, just rude. I do think it is good manners for the hostess or the established group to welcome a new member into their ranks, with something simple like “Hi, come and join us” or “hello nice to have you with us” .
I always ask others about themselves, I am not totally socially inept and I normally get along well with people in social situations, if given some indication I am welcome. I’m afraid I don’t have the balls to just bowl up to a group of strangers and break into their conversation, I do like some form of introduction.
heh, interesting thread. Amusing to note how most folks want to encourage Themis to a be fake, artificial socializing phoney. Also intriguing how evident the difference is between those that understand the OP, and those that perceived it as a “you’re not with me, therefore you’re against me” thing by way of applying the arrogant, insensitive blah blah adjectives. Fuck that. If you don’t want to talk to people, don’t. It’s really not hard to ascertain the dullness and/or idiocy of a character in a social setting, and if they’re a positive candidate then don’t waste your time. Observe, learn, and reflect.
I think if people didn’t care so much about how they’re perceived - to the point of being willing to deceive in order to be perceived “nicer”, they’d be a lot more relaxed and honest, and genuinely “nice”.
In the end, I figure it all works out anyway. There are some people in this very thread that, were we in a room, I would steer well clear of, without so much as a greeting; and others that I would gravitate towards in no time - and they (both the people I ignored and the ones I didn’t) would form mutual feelings, and everyone would live happily ever after.
Thermis00, don’t dilute your social standards by forcing yourself to communicate with people whom you find uninteresting. I’ve given that a chance for the last few years, and come to expect alot less from conversation with such people, thanks to my high expectations. Your practice of selective conversation (much like mine) is like a filter for your mind. So you have higher standards in a social setting? Good! Just don’t get the idea that those boring folks you get tight-lipped around are entirely boring. I am also a believer that everyone has some good words to share.
My guess is that you, Thermis00, don’t feel negatively about those you’d rather not talk to (which is what I got from your OP), and I don’t think it’s shyness or introversion - your situation is more complex than that (I hate generalizations :mad: ). I think that you select your convos like you pick movies, or music, or what you’ll have for lunch today - depending on how you feel.
Let’s assume for a moment that everyone in this thread is above average in intelligence and taste and perfectly capable of holding up their end of a conversation with other above-average people.
Okay, where does that leave us with the other 51% of the human race?
Themis00, you will find yourself surrounded by dull, uninteresting morons throughout much of your life. You can either find something in common with them, or you can spend at least 51% of your life in a corner, talking to no one.
You said “What’s ironic is that the more selective I am, the better my social skills get…IMO of course. When I started college I decided I no longer wanted to be an anti-social dork. I went greek, I got a job as a server, got involved on college campus, and got involved at church. A lot of those people had great social skills and some of that rubbed off on me. Like I said, there’s still room for improvement. I don’t think that is a coincidence.”
Now be honest. How many of the people who had great social skills fit into the category of “those whom you can relate to” or “that you find interesting”? They had great social skills because they were able to draw YOU out, not vice versa.
I’m not suggesting that you pick a dolt everyday and force yourself to try to sit through lunch with him. But you do need to sharpen your social interaction skills.
And from a strictly practical point of view – it’s not the best engineer/physicist/auditor/physician who gets the promotion. It’s the pretty good one who has better ability to work with others.
