I can pick up when people are using tact on me, but some reason I have a lot of difficulty using it on others.
I have two main problems…
Whenever I talk about things, places, and other people I’m often accused of being condescending or insensitive.
Whenever I talk about myself, I’m often accused of being arrogant and self-centered.
I am assuming it is HOW I am saying things, and not what. That’s because I almost never say things like “Ewww, OMG, what you said was so stupid!” or “I am the best player on this team”. I think something is off about my delivery.
Also, who is telling you this? Is it coming from different people, eg friends, work colleagues, family? If you can think of some specific examples, that would be really useful.
Also, I know it might sound a bit sexist, but what gender are you? Knowing that might help us explain stuff to you.
Everyone except friends. My friends tend to enjoy my lack of “tact”, they find it being honest, and even funny on occassion. There is a catch to the friends part, sometimes I run away potential friends, people who I would like to become closer with.
Keep in mind that the words you choose are only a small part of what happens during communication. Body language and tone of voice account for a much larger part. So, it may be that without intending to do so, your tone of voice or the way you hold yourself come across as negative.
The best suggestion I have for you is to record yourself speaking as you would in that context and then review it. If you’re really determined, ask one of your friends to sit down with you and point out what comes across as arrogant, self-centered, or condescending.
I wonder if you are not really listening to what other people say and just constantly preparing to say something about yourself.
For example:
Friend: I’m going on a walking holiday
You: I’m going to Vegas!
(What you could have said instead:
Where are you going?
I hope you’ve got a good pair of boots!
Are you planning it yourself or using a guide?)
You: I bought a new computer yesterday.
Friend: I’m never sure how long to wait before buying another one.
You: I got a really good deal, because they know me well in that shop.
(What you could have said instead:
You: I bought a new computer yesterday.
Friend: I’m never sure how long to wait before buying another one.
You: Well it depends on how often you use it and if the room is dry and warm. Stuff like that. Tell me more about how you use it.)
Do you fail to use self-deprecating language when you talk about your home, life, accomplishments? Is it almost always other women who say you are boastful and arrogant?
The tendency of women to downplay accomplishments or express worries as a social lubricant is pretty well established. As in: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2294/is_n3-4_v38/ai_20574387
or the research of Deborah Tannen
You’re “supposed” to insult yourself, or at least voice worries, so that other women can “join your herd” by praising you. (“I’m sooo fat” “no, you’re not - I wish I had your figure!”) If you praise yourself, they feel they cannot do so, and you have put yourself “above them.”
If you are not inclined to play this game (I am intolerably bad at speaking “girl” myself) you can either realize that your friends will likely come from men and the smaller subset of women who do not engage in this behavior, or change your behavior to fit other women’s expectations and social needs.
Of course, you might actually BE boastful and arrogant. But the fact you have a circle of friends who do not think so suggests otherwise.
For 1., don’t respond with your initial knee-jerk reaction. Ask follow-up questions to learn more about what they think, and also to give yourself time to formulate a diplomatic answer. Instead of making a blanket statement or absolute statement about the subject, make it an opinion statement:
Instead of “Starbucks sucks!” you could say “It’s not really my type of place”. If pressed, you don’t even have to go into detail, just say “I found I prefer <place>”.
For 2., are you, as mentioned, really listening, or are you waiting to talk? Do you listen to others with real interest or do you hasten to tell your own stories?
Some famous guy once said (something to the effect), “Better or have others think you an ass than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” Words I live by.
I just say what’s on my mind…I just don’t say it sarcastically.
“I think your team is doing a great job. They are totally competant and are a real asset to the company.”
not
“I think your team is doing a great job. They are totally competant and are a real asset to the company.”:dubious::rolleyes:
I seldomly put down down myself, I find it annoying when other people do it. But, I don’t brag either, well, at least I don’t think so.
Again it tends to be the storytelling that bothers people. People tend to take issue about actions I talk about more than personal qualities I talk about.
You’re still talking about you; it’s like the person never said anything at all and you’re talking right over them. You don’t always get to dictate the course of the conversation based on what YOU want to talk about. In this case, glee’s second example better shows the expected natural topic of the conversation; you’re supposed to build on what the other person said.
Quite often people will consider you a scintillating conversationalist if you can get them to talk about themselves, rather than blatting on about yourself.
Tell us a bit about yourself. When are you at your most comfortable? Are you of average-intelligence, lower-intelligence, higher-intelligence? What are your thoughts on mankind as a whole? What’s the thing you’re most proud of in your life? If your house was on fire and you could only take one item, what would it be? What does a job mean to you - is it about earning the money to have the things you want to buy, or is it more about the job itself being something that you enjoy, or is it something else?
Not huge long paragraphs, or anything, I’m just hoping to get a sense of what sort of person you are like to be around.
One thing that occurs to me to, is you might feel you are being dishonest if you don’t state the whole truth of what you are thinking or feeling. Tact is about lying a little, in the sense that the truth needs to be shaded and adjusted to take other people into consideration. It’s not a lie but it may take some getting over the feeling that you aren’t telling the whole truth. Here’s a real-life example of someone who understands tact, and me. A friend was trying on a coat and at the same time this someone said
It’s a little undefined around the middle
while I blurted out
Makes ya look pregnant!
Now, this wasn’t too bad since it was something she hadn’t bought yet so it wasn’t hurting her, but it illustrates different ways to say the same thing and get the same result.
Talk less, listen and think more - ask questions about what people tell you, rather than rushing to have your say.
The first thing covered (and in very great depth) on training courses for personal counselling is how to shut up and listen without interrupting or trying to answer with your opinion..
Of course that’s not necessarily exactly how ordinary everyday conversation has to work, but it’s not entirely irrelevant either.
This is sort of a corollary to something about the way my dad talked. He (apparently) believed that as long as what he was saying was the factual truth, nobody should have any problem with it or get upset with him for saying it. He had no censor to tell him that maybe the person doesn’t need to hear that right now, or it might hurt their feelings, or there’s a nicer way to say it, or maybe he should just shut up and not say anything.
Quite often in social situations, I find that I don’t regret having kept my mouth shut; not so much for the opposite. What sounds clever in your head can come out of your mouth and make you sound like a total dick.
I wish the OP would come back and give us some concrete examples. Sounds like s/he has plenty – let’s have 'em, so we can give more useful feedback.
