I suck at using tact. How do I learn it?

In My Humble Opinion
21

  1. Do you emphasize your opinion as the proper point of view? For example, everyone has their favorite Hawaiian island. I like Maui, and a friend likes Kauai. While I may think that Maui is better than Kauai, I phrase it as my preferring Maui.

  2. Are you telling more stories than listening to stories? Are your stories always about how great you, etc., are? As long as you’re willing to shut your trap, the easiest thing from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, is to get other people to talk about themselves.

This reinforcement could be compounding the problem.

Agreed. You could be unconsciously steering conversations to yourself.

How many sibling do you have/What’s your birth order? Only child? First child?

22

Those examples are pretty nebulous, so I’m still pretty much shooting in the dark, but that doesn’t necessarily sound like an issue of tact; they could easily be issues of attitude. If you’re always critical of stuff, or talking about how this, that, or the other isn’t up to your standards, or talking about how super fabulous you and your inner circle are…all the tactful phrasing in the world won’t save you from sounding like a snob.

Tact is frequently as much about what you leave unsaid as it is about how you say something. For instance, I really don’t like Mexican food, and every year our Christmas dinner is at the Mexican restaurant owned by my boss’s friend. Periodically, my boss’s wife will be chatting about eating out and ask me if we go to the Mexican restaurant very often. If I were to be completely truthful, I’d tell her that I dislike Mexican food and only go and eat at the office parties to be polite, so hell no we don’t eat there often. That would be incredibly rude and only a complete asshole or someone totally lacking in a brain-to-mouth filter would say that.

Someone who was blunt but possessed of a rudimentary filter might say, “Nah, I don’t like that stuff.” Someone with a little more finesse might say, “No, I’m not real wild about Mexican, so we don’t eat it very much.” Either would make her feel like crap that her kindly meant gift is unwanted and unappreciated, and is thus a bad choice. The tactful response omits the fact that I don’t like the stuff, which is irrelevant to the question asked and would make the asker feel bad, while leaving in the fact that we don’t go there often. Something along the lines of “No, but we’re regulars at {insert random restaurant}” or maybe, “We don’t really eat out a lot” or whatever is honest but avoids the OMG-I-hate-that-stuff issue. I usually go with “We usually cook at home.”

23

Without knowing you, it could be a mixture of body language and tone of voice, with a pinch of “offers unsolicited opinions too much”. When someone pings on my"insensitive and tactless" 'dar, it’s usually because of these things.

I work with someone who I hate talking to about “stuff” because she can’t seem to censor her face or her commentary. For instance, I’ll be sitting in the breakroom eating lunch and the following will transpire:

Coworker: “What’s that you’re eating?”
Me: “Grilled cheese.”
Coworker: “What kind of cheese?”
Me: “Kroger brand cheese product.”
Coworker: “Eeew! Gross. Muenster on sourdough makes the only acceptable grilled cheese. Everything else is absolute crap! I don’t see how you can function as an adult!”

The other day, a coworker and I “noticed” that the daffodils in the breakroom hadn’t wilted in over a week. We were impressed. Miss Snob pointed out rather snarkily: “Duh! Those aren’t the same flowers!” Annoyed by her tone, I asked how were we supposed to know they’d been changed? They were in the same vase and arranged in a similar way. For anyone who doesn’t have a photographic memory, they looked like the same exact flowers from last week.

“If you were PAYING ATTENTION you would have noticed right away,” she said with absolutely no good humor. A nicer, more tactful person would have said something nonjudgmental like, “I don’t think these are the same flowers from last week”.

Another example:

A coworker is getting married. To save money, she’s decided to forego real floral arrangements and use silk. She told Miss Snob about this in passing, and Miss Snob offered a very unsolicited “THAT’S AWFUL!” I’m not Emily Post, but I know you don’t insult a bride’s wedding plans.

It’s obvious that this is pure rudeness, but my coworker is clueless. During her last evaluation, the boss commented that she comes across as a snob, and she was defensive about it (which is why she told me). Sometimes when she makes one of her signature comments, I want to say “Remember your evaluation?,” just so she can learn and fix herself.

24

I very much agree with this. I have a female friend who is sometimes breath-takingly tactless. She is intelligent, but seems so anxious for the truth to be known that she tends to ignore the human, friendly considerations and just states what she considers to be the facts. Seems to me that this stems from anxiety - she has a compulsive need to be right (as she often, technically, is). Sometimes you need to be less ‘truthful’ and more diplomatic, at the cost of not proving you know the cold hard answer.

And my friend is also French, so hers is possibly a terminal case…:dubious:

25

I consider myself of high-average intelligence, but I don’t have a lot of common sense.

Thoughts of mankind? We all are ultimately motivated by self-interest.

Thing I’m most proud of in my life? Getting my master’s degree.

House on fire? My computer!

What does a job mean to me? Definately for the experiences and not the money!

Speaking of experiences, if you want to know more about me, that is my “north star” and is the reason why I get out of bed in the morning. I want to experience life to its fullest. I’m always seeking new experiences, pleasurable experiences, and experiences that make me a better person. I like to share experiences with other people, and telling others about the experiences I’ve had or want to had.

I’m think of some, I will get back to this soon!

  1. I don’t think so. I am a fan of comparing and contrasting different restaurants, neighborhoods, services, and cars. I talk about the pros and cons.

  2. Not really, I think I tell and listen to stories in equal amounts. My stories are almost never about how great I am. There usually about:

*Crazy things people have done to me.
*Crazy things I’ve done to people, usually for revenge.
*Crazy things people have done to family or friends
*Crazy things my family or friends have done to people
*Crazy things experiences that involved me, my friends, or my family.
*How I turned elements of a bad situation to my advantage.

26

I’m often told that I’m very negative and people don’t like talking to me. It’s something I’m working on, but it’s hard to change and it’s also hard for other people to notice the changes.

Here’s a perfect example of what I tend to do wrong from a conversation with my wife yesterday:

Wife: The store has people whose job is to brush dolls’ hair all day.
Me: They probably do other stuff sometimes, too.
Wife: [black cloud appears over her head]

People don’t want to hear your every thought. They want to be validated. The conversation should have gone like this:

Wife: The store has people whose job is to brush dolls’ hair all day.
Me: Really? That’s funny.
Wife: Isn’t it? Blah, blah, earrings, shoes, blah, blah, blah [happy sunshine appears over her head]

See the difference? Even if I was right and the women do do more than brush hair all day, it’s not a proper response. I’m trying to make my first response to someone always be positive.

Another problem I have is that I’m very sarcastic. Now people expect that everything I say is sarcasm. I’ll say “That’s a nice sweater” and they get mad because they assume that I hate the sweater. So you have to work not only on changing your responses, but also on getting people to see that you’ve changed. It’s tough but I’m making progress and I can tell that people are coming around.

27

Depending on exactly what this entails, I could possibly see why this would get annoying after a while. You say you never use stories to show how great you are, but this may give that impression. Sometimes people who annoy me have a way of saying things that’s makes me want to sarcastically sigh “Well, good for you. Am I supposed to give you a cookie now?”

Can you think of an example story that has this characteristic?

28

This is going to sound corny, but have you read How to Win Friends and Influence People? Seriously, I am not the kind of person who reads self-help books, but this is the real thing! I mean, you could have the book just be a sheet of paper that says, “Golden Rule, guys!” - it isn’t rocket surgery, but all of the points Dale Carnegie makes really are important and useful and when honestly applied they do help you AND the other person get what you want.

We almost had our upcoming Vegas trip ruined by the thing my boyfriend was going for getting cancelled. So we sat down with the book and wrote a letter carefully applying everything in it (I know, I know, I do know how to write a nice letter, but we were desperate and we really needed to Win Friends and Influence People) and gave the guy in charge an opportunity to do a tiny bit of work and get to be a hero and feel really good about himself, and whaddaya know, it worked like a charm. Just sayin’. But you have to read the thing and apply everything honestly, not just read it and say, “Yeah, yeah.”

29

I’ve had two friends who have described me the way you’ve described yourself. In both cases, my other friends told me that I can be insulting/condescending sometimes and that I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I think I’m innocently telling a story, but it comes off to certain people as really patronizing. If someone points it out to me, I’ll spend weeks trying to figure out what I said that was so insulting.

Then I really looked at those two friends (one was an exBF) and realized: both people were a little bit jealous of me. They seemed to think they wanted some things that I had, in terms of qualities or personality traits. (This is not coming out right. Let me try again in another paragraph.)

Let’s just pick one thing. I have a BA. My ex-friend and exBF who said I was condescending and insulting (I no longer hang with either of them) both did not have degrees. So I’m innocently telling a story about some funny experience that happened to me while I was living in the dorms, and I start talking about what a terrific growth experience dorm living was and while it was really ghetto sort of living conditions (you pay exhorbitant amounts of money to live in a shithole), it was very character-building for me and how I grew up so much during those two years. The message those friends took from that story? That I think I’m better than they are because I lived in the dorms.

There aren’t enough rolly eyes smilies for that.

Finally, I just realized that both of those ‘friends’ really felt intimidated by my education, or by my independence, or by my vocabulary, or whatever it was that bugged them. Tell that story to another college graduate and that person will in turn share their dorm experience and not take my story to be a judgment on them. In other words, I realized the personality problem was theirs and I couldn’t control anything except my reaction to them. We all became much happier when we stopped hanging out. To these friends, an opinion that disagrees with theirs = I am judging them unfairly. I don’t believe that all my opinions have to match up with those of my friends and when they disagree with me, I don’t take it as a personal affront that I’m not good enough to be their friend. But my insecure ex-friends did take a difference of opinion as a judgment on themselves, as if I won’t like them unless they agree with me. They were both clearly projecting their own shit on to me.

So now, I try to be extremely audience-aware when I’m talking shit and saying nothing. I try to remember that my experience is not necessarily your experience and that experiences and opinions completely unlike my own are often just as valid and valuable as any other. And that doesn’t really tone down the stories much. I’m just a little more selective about who I tell those stories to, or I’m careful about how I frame those stories.

I’m not saying you don’t have something you might want to work on. I’m suggesting that sometimes… the person accusing you of being patronizing might be batshit crazy.

Here’s an example from the exBF: He bought a ukelele (and in fact, allowed his utilities to be shut off because he spent his last $60 on his uke instead of paying his electric bill – that I passed judgment on; I thought it was extremely irresponsible). He was going on YouTube to teach himself how to play. So he mentions that he’d learned a Green Day song that makes me want to gouge my ears out. (That “Time of your Life” song. Vomit.) I told him I hated Green Day. He took that as a personal insult. I was just stating that I hated Green Day. I didn’t say he shouldn’t ever play that song to me, once he mastered it. I didn’t say I hated him for learning a Green Day song. I didn’t even imply that he was any less of a person because he’d chosen a Green Day song. All I said was, “Oh. I hate Green Day.”

To this day, I still cannot figure out why me not liking Green Day should be a personal insult to him. The answer is: I don’t think it is, but his self-esteem is so low and he’s so intimidated by me that he really, really, really needed my validation. So that meant, unless I wholeheartedly “approved” of any preference he stated (agreement = acceptance, argument = judgment), he thought I must not like him. Vitriol ensued.

So all I’m suggesting is that you take a closer look at the people who are accusing you of being insulting and ask yourself one more time… is it really you? Or are people projecting their issues on to you? It’s probably a little bit of both and I think it just takes a little time to sort out which is which and then decide how to temper your comments to people.

I was drunk at a party once and this girl had brought her new black lab puppy. I fell in love with the puppy immediately and spent most of the party playing with her. I was talking to the owner – but I didn’t realize she was the owner – and I said, “Who says black labs are dumb dogs? This dog is awesome! I lurve her!” The owner got this ‘screw you, bitch’ look on her face, but recovered, and we both acted like nothing happened. I should have never said the first sentence and instead, just focused on how much I loved the puppy. If you’re unable to exercise audience awareness, then edit yourself just in case… because you can’t ever tell (especially with new acquaintances) who will take your differing opinions as just being a person who is opinionated and who will take your opinions as “that bitch is stuck up and thinks she’s better than everyone else because she goes on and on about how awesome she is for getting her Master’s degree.”

I’ll close by quoting Dr. Seuss: Say what you want and be who you are because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter… don’t mind.

30

Irresponsible ukelele buying or not, “I hate [aspect of accomplishment]” is not the appropriate response to someone telling you about something they are proud of. e.g.:

“I just got offered a great job at Microsoft!”
“Microsoft is evil and scummy.”

“I made the best brisket last night”
“I hate brisket”

“I got the cutest pixie cut”
“I don’t like short hair on women”

etc. A “Good for you!” can go a long way here.

31

I wouldn’t see it as an insult to him, but it’s a negative comment directed toward something that clearly means a lot to him. There’s just no reason to say you hate Green Day because it’s irrelevant to what he is saying, and you would be willing to listen to his progress despite the song.

32

Think twice before speaking. (if you are really bad, think four times)

Say half of what you would have said. (if you are really bad, say only a quarter).

Leave stories in a state where people will ask you for more information if they are interested.

(Edited to add - an example of this is the bride. A tactless bride dominates every conversation with the details of her wedding, even if you don’t ask. A more tactful bride waits for you to ask, but then bores you to tears with the trying decisions on wedding cake filling. A really tactful bride says - upon inquiry" - “its going really well. We spoke to the florist” and then lets you decide if you really want to ask what sort of flowers she is getting.

LISTEN. Ask questions in a non-judgmental fashion that get people to tell you more.

Don’t try and be witty, most people aren’t very good at it and its easily misinterpreted.

One of my good friends has made his living being well liked (he is in Public Relations - there is more to it than that - but a big part of it is being well liked). If you go out with him for an evening and then say to a friend you spent time with Bill, and they ask “well, what is Bill doing” you won’t be able to tell them. Because Bill almost never talks about himself. He tells interesting (and flattering) stories about other people and listens to you talk about you.

33

That’s what I was going to say. **CrazyCatLady **touched on this with her story about Mexican food. Your dislike of the song wasn’t really relevant at that time. ISTM, that Ukulele Boy’s story wasn’t actually about Green Day. It was about him, and the skill he’d learned. Letting the story stay about him, and asking him questions about how long it took to learn the song, for example, would have went over better than hijacking his story to talk about your dislike of Green Day.

People don’t need to sit and play 20 questions to have tact, but it is good to get a feel of where the storyteller is going. Sometimes people are setting a story up to share a certain point, and if you don’t realize that, and take things off course to talk about you, the other person could feel like you’re bulldozing over them to get back to talking about yourself.

34

Yes, you are all correct: my mistake was the knee-jerk Green-Day-Hate reaction and then blurting that shit right out. I give that as an example for the OP; maybe she does the same thing – make an irrelevant comment that comes off totally the opposite of how she meant it. It’s easier to see sometimes, from other people’s examples.

My other mistake was dating someone who couldn’t seem to handle disagreement. I would think, that any partner who really loves me would forgive that comment, or even say something like, “Well, I didn’t ask for your list of favorite songs to learn.” He’d also learned a couple of other songs that I did listen to and encourage him about, even though he totally sucked. I never told him I thought he sucked because I didn’t want to demotivate him from practicing which is the only way he’ll not suck.

In other words, I didn’t think I should have to walk on eggshells with my BF and I should be able to express an opinion that is counter to his. He knew I was a smartass from Day One. He knew I am the Master of the Non Sequitor Irrelevant Comment. He also knew I hated Green Day. Maybe my timing and phrasing sucked, but then how he handled the situation was a metaphor for the entire relationship: I blurted, then he shut down and didn’t speak to me for a week.

I’m not trying to justify my behavior. I often come off as a self-involved jerk. I’m working on that, but I have trouble with empathy (and I still don’t see why my comment disparaged his attempt to learn a new song, but it was irrelevant). I didn’t go on and on about Green Day and tried to get him to talk about something else that meant a lot to him but he was gun-shy at that point and wouldn’t speak to me at all. I’m not trying to make excuses here – that relationship failed because of actions on both our parts, not either one of us.

35

Missed the edit window.

Wanted to add, after “I blurted, then he shut down and didn’t speak to me for a week” this:

There was no acceptance of me for being Me, which can be a snarky animal. And I really really sucked at understanding what meant a lot to him vs. what was just mindless patter during a road trip. I think we just weren’t a good match for each other.

I have several friends that I’ve had for 20 years or so. They have never once complained about this to me. They were able to help me Monday-morning quarterback the relationship by showing me how – just as you all did – my actions and words were unintentionally hurtful. That what I meant by including the Dr. Seuss quote. We forgive the people we love for their little flaws. The people we only marginally like or tolerate, we tend to not be as forgiving.

So if all of your friends offer this same feedback, then you probably do have something to work on. If only one or two of them say something… it’s possible that it’s more about them than it is about you.

36

I’m not saying you shouldn’t get “acceptable of me for being Me” - far from it. I just want you to reflect on how people on, say, The Real World use the phrase “keeping it real”. They don’t mean “You’re being mean to me for being my individual self” really, they mean “I threw up in the hot tub and I have no intention of cleaning it up because I’m an asshole. I’m going to try to make you feel guilty for trying to make me do it.”

In other words, yes, you should feel at home with your SO. But you should also evaluate whether “being you” is being kind of an asshole or not. I’m not saying you are, but I’m saying you need to consider the possibility and decide if maybe you can be yourself but be nice.

The OP says something about being able to tell when people are “using tact” on her, which IMHO says something about the way she views the world. People who are “using tact” may be “using tact”, but generally they’re actually “being nice”. Now, if somebody is obviously trying to manage you by using tact, that’s one thing. But if somebody is just being nice and acting interested in what you have to say, then it’s essentially the difference between flattery and sincere appreciation.

37

Yes, Zsofia, I think I am a bit of an asshole. And I think in order to be with me, my future partner is going to have to have a bit higher than average asshole tolerance level, but that does not excuse me from working hard to overcome this and trying to learn to be nice.

See, I didn’t see why “I hate Green Day” was a personal affront to Uke Boy and therefore, I had no idea why I wasn’t being-me-but-being-nice. Until you kind folks have explained it to me.

I’m more than willing to take responsibility for my behavior and I don’t want to be That Asshole That Nobody Wants to Date. I might have to accept that though, not because I don’t want to change or am not willing to change… but because, like the OP, I find it really difficult to recognize when I’m being an asshole. I can’t see the fine line between ‘one person’s perception of what an asshole is’ vs. ‘I have a major personality flaw that prevents me from engaging in healthy relationships’.

Case in point: I’ve inadvertently made this thread all about me, with the intent of helping the OP. :smack:

38

I get this response a lot, particularly at work. I tend to think of myself as blunt, but others seem to think I am arrogant and/or rude.

Screw em’. Who cares? :stuck_out_tongue:

39

Well, and there’s a difference between your partner being able to say, “You may not realize it, but when you do that it hurts my feelings”, and him stopping talking to you for a week. :rolleyes: I’ve actually told people I don’t pick up on social cues and to please fill me in, because I don’t want to inadvertantly offend anyone, which leaves an open door for them to feel comfortable airing their feelings. It’s then up to me to be receptive to that since I invited it. And the dance goes on…

I can’t tell you how many times I say “I’m glad you enjoyed it!” (read: You couldn’t pay me enough to sit through/eat/read/etc. that.) And I really am glad, but saying it forces me to think of them and not of my knee-jerk UGH reaction. The other way I use it is to deflect praise of something I’ve done–make it about them being happy, not me being good.

40

Ooh, people who hear me say that usually interpret it as snide. To be fair, usually they are right.