Yes, there is a difference between passive-aggressive manipulation techniques and just direct honesty. I’ve done what you’ve said, explained that I’m a bit of a doof when it comes to self-awareness and please know that I probably didn’t mean it, but please TELL ME if I say something awful. I usually overcompensate when my hurtful behavior is brought to my attention.
My co-worker tells me that she doesn’t think I’m nearly anywhere as rude as I perceive myself to be. I think I should maybe stop listening to passive-aggressive boyfriends.
With regard to #2, are you a “Topper?” In other words, no matter what someone has done, have you done it better, or was it better in your last job/city/school whatever? Some people always feel that they have to “win” every conversation by having something better than the other person. The Dilbert comic strip has a character devoted to this phenomenon. Topper
Yeah, but there’s a time to let fly from the hip with the smartass, and a time to reign it the hell in. Discussing something in which someone is deeply emotionally invested, that’s a time for reigning it the hell in, because skins tend to be thinner in those sorts of situations. That makes it infinitely easier to accidentally hurt someone, sometimes very badly. Taking 0.00003 seconds to think about how a comment or action will affect someone isn’t walking on eggshells around them; it’s bare-bones not-being-an-asshole, and something everybody is entitled to expect from their romantic partner. Granted, from time to time you’ll calculate wrong and say or do something hurtful anyway, but that’s an entirely different kettle of fish than someone doing it pretty much constantly because they can’t be arsed to engage the brain-to-mouth filter. The former can and should be forgiven, while the latter is a clear indication to DTMFA.
ETA: Antinor01 is entirely correct about diplomacy. That which is left unsaid can always be said at a later time, but once something has been said it’s out there, for good and always and ever. You can’t ever un-say something once it’s flown out of your mouth; it’s part of the reason I try to never discuss an issue while I’m in the chewing nails portion of my anger response.
I don’t think it disparaged his attempt as much as it disparaged his tastes. But by injecting your opinion the way you did, you conveyed that you didn’t care about his ukele-playing. Those two things individually might have been tolerable, but I’m not thinking too many people could have handled both without getting pissed off.
If I had been your ukele-player, I would have been gun-shy too. I know I’m unusually sensitive, but there’s something discomfiting about someone who never hesitates to express negative opinions, especially of the “fill-in-the-blank SUCKS!” variety.
I don’t know if this would be useful advice or not, but here’s an exercise I usually go through for myself: every time I have a significant conversation with anyone, after it is finished I ask myself “what did I learn about the other person/their thoughts during our chat?”
It’s a way for me to monitor whether I’m letting the other person talk too, or just blathering on and monopolizing the conversation. I have a tendency to talk too much, and while I would say it isn’t self-centeredness on my part (just nerves), at the end of the day it IS self-centered not to share the conversational space, no matter what excuse I have.
If you try this exercise, are you able to come up with a lot of things you learned about the people you were speaking with?
Kristen Wiig’s character Penelopeis a better Topper. She actually went to school to be a Topper. And it was her job. She taught Topper school. In Topper city. And she’s best friends with Dilbert, and a tomato.
My brother, blss him, is one of these. Above-average intelligence, honest, unemotional and rational in most situations and logical even when it’s better to be emotional. He drives his wife up a tree and, although I adore him, he can be extremely hard to take. It’s great that you’re blunt and your friends think you’re funny, but you should be aware then that not everyone will be your friend and that you will alienate folks at some point or another. If you’re fine with that, great. If not, then learn to sublimate yourself a bit in social situations. No one likes a know-it-all.
There is probably someone in your family who is like you are. Think about how you are feeling when you are interacting with them. Now think about someone you know who is good with people and how that person makes you feel. Now observe both people and try to copy the person who is good with people and get rid of the behaviors that you share with the other person. Read stories by people who are funny and self deprecating and try to imagine them telling your stories.
I can’t really tell anything from the OP’s posts so far, it’ll be really good to get some actual examples.
One thing that comes to mind - a friend of mine, who was generally considered to be quite tactless, always spoke with a very flat tone. So everything she said sounded like it was being stated as a fact, even if she was offering an opinion.
How would you describe your speaking voice? Are you a warm, friendly sounding person?
