I’m not a talkative person, never really have been. It’s a combination of being shy and just flat not feeling like I have much to talk about. I like listening to other people talk, and I’ll join in when I have something to add, but its rare that I’ll start a conversation…especially with a stranger. If someone wants to talk to me, I try my best to be interested in the topic and converse, I’m not rude - but a lot of time I’m just not into it and its clear that I don’t really want to talk. I’m not chatty, and I’m horrible with small talk.
Thing is, this particular trait seems to really piss people off, and I don’t understand why. Out of all the things that I could be slammed for, this is the only one where people get downright nasty. I’ve been accused of being creepy, having no personality, or just being weird…and people are so rude about it. All over the fact that I’m quiet!
Do quiet people freak you out? If so, why?
To my fellow mutes: do you get the same reactions that I do?
I am, at 43, highly socially skilled.
As a youngster, I felt more comforatble talking to adults. I was considered stuck-up and snotty by my peers. I must think I’m “too good” to talk to other kids and thought I was “better than” they were. This wasn’t the impression I was trying to convey, so I started highschool determined to give a different impression. I became a very attentive listener and made eye contact and smiled but always listened more than spoke. Now I’m warm and friendly. Men tell me I’m intelligent and mysterious, women tell me I’m wise and comforting.
Still waters run deep and you got to watch the quiet ones. People will see what they want to see. I have lots of aquaintances and very few close friends. My husband is the only person who really knows me and hears what I don’t say.
And I don’t say a LOT.
P.S. People hate to think that their every mundane utterance isn’t the most riveting thing ever spoken. If you act disinterested, you’re being stuck-up. If you pretend to be interested, you’re a terrific person.
I’m very shy… until I get comfortable around people. Then I can’t shut the hell up. But there are a lot of people I never get comfortable around, because they think I’m stuck up for not speaking.
There was a sweet girl I used to work with - she was absolutely gorgeous: never had to wear makeup, she kept herself very neat and tidy, had a faint but very pleasant and clean smell… and she was quiet as a churchmouse. She was always very polite when she did speak to you, but she rarely spoke. Everyone whispered behind her back, saying she was “weird”, “snotty”, “full of herself”, or “thinks she’s so gorgeous”. No, apparently, those people thought she was gorgeous and were jealous of her. I started speaking to her one day, talking about my cats - that did it. The dam broke. I hit on one of her favourite things: her dear pets. We ended up talking about everything under the stars, once she realised I wasn’t judging her. We were very similar. She was an absolute sweetheart, and certainly not full of herself.
But everyone hated her. All because she was so quiet. She just needed to be comfortable, that’s all.
I don’t know why people are like that. So many seem to believe they are the epitome of perfection, and meeting someone who doesn’t act the way they do turns them into nasty, judgemental fiends. People confuse the hell out of me.
From what I’ve gathered, people don’t listen very well. So when I come across someone who talks non-stop, I also assume they don’t listen very well, which makes me also assume that they are very selfish. I feel bad about doing this, because I’m judging them like they judge me. The only thing different is that, more often than not, they end up proving me right.
Now, its not as if I don’t like chatty people - most of the friends I have here are very talkative, but these are people that made the effort to get to know me. A few of them thought I was a bit strange at first, but they still made the effort.
I’m really not sure what I’m trying to accomplish with this thread, its been a trying couple of weeks and I just want to make sure I’m not a horrible weird person, and that perhaps I’ve just been encountering a lot of assholes lately.
In my experience, people react negatively to the kind of demeanor you say you exhibit because they are really thinking that you are looking down on them. People react negatively when they feel that they’ve made the initial friendly contact and it’s rejected: kind of like sticking out your hand to shake and the other person ignores it. It makes you look and feel foolish, and anger and resentment are the result.
I don’t have much advice to offer as to a solution – although I think Cyn hit the nail on the head by describing how she became a friendly listener good at looking people in the eye – but I thought it might be helpful to know that perhaps much of the anger and resentment you see is actually defensive in nature.
P.S.: On preview I see that SHAKES has said pretty much the same thing, but by gosh I spent the time composing this thing and I’m gonna post it!
Since 7th grade, when all my elementary school friends dumped me, and I was being bullied, I’ve been extremely socially insecure. I hate to say this, but middle school has scarred me for life. In my mind, I’m still that awkward girl, with a bad overbite and outdated clothes…This was 33 years ago and I’m just trying to come out of it, now.
I am one of those people who is shy, until I feel comfortable. Pair that with a deadpan sense of humor, and I know people don’t know what to make of me. I often hear people say, “I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”
I don’t know if people think I’m stuck up or not–I think I am a sweet, caring person and I try to project that.
And yes, I am working on having self-confidence, but when you’ve given yourself one mental message for over 30 years, it’s difficult.
I know, I had that my whole life. It took me until I was about 43 before I figured out how to use social skills to improve my life. It really worked. Humans have this innate tendency to form social bonds. I didn’t really get how it worked… for all the reasons people have given here already… I went through exactly the sort of experience you described. It took years of developing maturity and self confidence to make social skills work for me instead of against me.
When people point out to me that I never talk, it makes me even less likely to open up to them. I know I should try not to be so quiet, but when saying something is met with “Oh my God, Erin said something!” it doesn’t make me want to do it again.
The reaction is even stronger if I happen to curse in a rare moment of talking. I don’t think of myself as someone who never curses, because I do in my head and around my friends, but I guess I usually censor myself in public, because people get really surprised.
I’m considered stand-offish by my husband’s co-workers, and I guess they’re right. I prefer to spend the evening with a good book. Socializing is a trial for me. I don’t have many friends, and I prefer it that way. The only times Hubby and I go out with other people are when his co-workers invite us to gatherings. (Mine know better. :D)
I’m just not good at small talk, or conversations about work and the kids. Hey, get me going on literature, or history, or science, and I’ll talk your leg off, but most people I know don’t want to discuss those things.
I have a lot of difficulty pretending interest in conversations about bills and the after-school activities of someone’s children. I try to be pleasant, of course, but I know I come off as a fake.
pensandfeathers, are you sure they’re calling you creepy and weird simply because you don’t talk much? I mean, really sure–as in, this is what they’ve told you, and you very strongly trust their own powers of introspection?
I suspect there’s more to it than that. For example:
-Maybe you don’t smile very much.
-Maybe you laugh at inappropriate times.
-Maybe you maintain eye contact for too long.
-Maybe you show up in a group and stand there stiffly, peering at people int eh group without saying, “Hi, how’s it going?”
-Maybe people ask you questions and, instead of answering them, you decide that they’re simply engaging in small talk and that, since you don’t do small talk well, you should just stay silent.
If it were only one person accusing you of weirdness, I’d say that’s their problem. But if you’re getting it from a bunch of people, you ought to decide whether you care about other folks thinking you’re creepy; and if you do care, then you need to watch how other folks use body language and social niceties and decide which of them you can adopt for yourself without feeling too weird about it.
It’s funny. Sometimes I’ll click with somebody and we’ll just start talking and talking and never shutting up, and sometimes I’ll just back away into a mental corner with somebody else and haul out the polite small talk instead.
I think I’ve gotten quieter and more reserved–more like my father–as I’ve gotten older. I don’t think anybody needs to be afraid of me, though.
People always react to extremes in others, be they behavioural extremes or physical extremes: the girl who never says anything gets talked about just as much as the girl who never shuts up; the girl who is never seen eating gets talked about just as much as the fat girl; etc. It’s just human nature. And since most of us have something “extreme” about us, we’ll feel like we’re always being judged for it. Which, in a way, we are, but I don’t think it’s as personal as we tend to think (or as personal as others may pretend).
Personally, in social situations I’m less comfortable around very quiet people than I am around those who are more interested in social interaction. But I don’t think less of anyone for being quiet; at worst I might think that we wouldn’t be fast friends.
It’s comforting hearing from so many other quiet people. I’ve been that way all my life and actually prefer it. I find social interaction tiring unless I really click with a person, like the few friendships I’ve developed over my lifetime. Motormouths and needy people are exasperating.
It’s really only an issue at work. My boss actually makes it a yearly performance review goal for me to talk more. Ugh. :rolleyes:
And, Gail, you sound like someone I’d get along with. I like a dry wit.
If they are talking, and you’re not, then chances are that they are sharing their thoughts and opinions and you aren’t sharing yours. Which makes the conversation pretty one-sided.
Although small talk can be painful, it’s a necessary social interaction in order to get to know other people better. Small talk is really just a sparring ground for people to try out different topics until they find something they are both interested in. That’s when the ‘real’ conversation begins.
Yes, I find it frustrating if I try to engage someone in a conversation and they do nothing to keep the conversation going. I am genuinely interested in hearing other peoples opinions on various subjects, and presumable the fact that you belong to (at least) this message board shows that you are too.
I’ve been quiet all my life. It drove my parents a little nuts, but I had good reasons:
My older sister is a non-stop talker (but one who really does listen on those rare occasions when someone else gets a word in). Having such an older sibling led me to not compete, and clam up.
I knew very early I was gay, and so I had this huge secret that I couldn’t talk about (I didn’t come out until well into my adulthood). This gave me another motivation to be silent.
I know nothing about sports and care less. Any small talk based on sports, therefore, leaves me with absolutely nothing to say. Among men, this can be a drawback. Other small talk (weather, what did I do this weekend, stuff like that) I can handle in small doses.
I also occasionally get launched and can’t seem to edit myself or stop at an appropriate moment. One time a fellow from another country asked me what I thought about the “American work ethic” and I started talking about the mix of cultures and how there isn’t any one American work ethic, and when I finished, he smiled (sincerely I thought) and said “Thanks for the lecture”. Since English was not his native language, he may not have understood how devastating a remark that was.
I have a very hard time making new friends, because I feel like I don’t have much to talk about. I am an excellent listener, asking good and perceptive questions, but then they say “but what about you” and I dry up.
However, no-one has indicated they consider me creepy, at least for a very long time. Some people are easy for me to talk to and to be with, but I don’t seem to be able to emulate their “easiness” myself with other people. I don’t really know why, but I am rather self-absorbed, and maybe I don’t care about this as much as I think I do.
I have that as well. Also, when her and my father are together, I can’t get a word in. They’re into the interupting and rising voice game when they talk, so it’s difficult for me to get a word in. I think I stopped trying as I grew up.
But also, as I got older I realized that I’m simply an introvert. Lissa about summed up the way I am in her post. I’m the same way, give me a good book and that’s all I need. I find crowds to be tiring, and I really don’t crave social interaction. I just prefer to go through the word with my mind engaged, not my mouth.
