If I were her and communicated passive-aggressively like that (consistently – I won’t say I’m never P-A, but I try really hard to be direct) I would point out that it will always be an issue because his actions demonstrated to me that I can’t count on him to be there for me when I need him. I have abandonment issues, so being unreliable is a dealbreaker for me.
However. That should be dealt with, and probably within the context of couples therapy/counseling so that the issue could be put to rest by either breaking up or demonstrating that we are reliable for each other.
Now I was raised by a guy, so as I’m reading this thread, it occurs to me that I communicate very directly and bluntly, like my dad. So I tend to be mystified when a guy assumes that I don’t say what I mean because I’m a woman. I’ve had many conversations with new boyfriends about that. “Whoa, you’re not fine, women don’t mean that when they say they’re fine. What’s wrong… really?” No, really, if I wasn’t fine, I would tell you that you’re pissing me off. And right now, you’re pissing me off because I choose my words carefully and I meant exactly what I said. I’m sorry all your last girlfriends communicated like this, but I am not them. I might use too many words, but I mean every single one of them.
Four years ago, I had a surgical biopsy. I had a live-in BF at the time. When I went to the hospital to do all the pre-surgery paperwork and bloodwork, they asked who would be there with me to take me home. I blinked and just stared at her. “You mean, I can’t just… take a cab or something?” No, they won’t let you do that in case something happens. So I actually had to ask the BF to stay with me all day at the hospital, drive me home, pick up meds, etc. I haven’t been that dependent on another person since I was about ten years old. I didn’t actually expect him to do it. I figured he’d get bored, wander off to find a bar, get hammered and forget about me, leaving me in the hospital. Every other friend I called was unavailable and I was eventually forced to count on the guy. Who had no problem whatsoever dedicating his day to helping me out. But if the hospital had allowed it, I would have taken a cab back and forth and not bothered him with it. THAT’s how independent I am. So if I sent a text that said, “heart attack, come quick,” you can bet your sweet ass that I really, really, really need you right now. Because I’d rather gnaw my own foot off than ask for help.
Yup. My husband called me to say he and my daughter were leaving the ER on their way to get ice cream. He spared me the mercy dash profuse bleeding from gash which needed eight stitches and nearly took her eye out part.
Based on “don’t panic, am fine” the OP was not unreasonable to ask, “need me to [drive back over an hour and miss work to] come [back to our] home[town where the hospital is]?”
It was reasonable to take her first couple texts at face value.
After getting the text about a heart attack, OP should have said, “Whaat?? Holy shit, leaving now, be there ASAP!!!” Yes, her text about the heart attack came laden to the gills with passive aggressive bullshit. But this was clearly not the time for him to call her out on it. It’s called indulging your partner when he or she is acting unreasonable under trying circumstances. Hence, I conclude that OP is not an asshole per se, but could learn a thing or two about tactics and how to pick his battles.
In short, if her role in this was presented accurately and reflects standard operating procedure on her part, I’d say OP and SO deserve each other.
Offensive? Isn’t this a subject of scientific study? Deborah Tannen has written several books on the differences between male and female communication strategies on our culture. Now this is likely largely a socialized behavior, not an inherent one, but are you suggesting it’s not true?
Sorry…if SO texted to me a health ‘professional’ sent me to the ER I would change direction to her general area.
I don’t agree with texting/bluetooth while driving but in this case I would hit up bluetooth in my vehicle. Any text from SO is unanswered with an immediate call back.
2 questions from the OP should be; where are you at and how fast should I drive (how are you)? React accordingly.
People in relationships like to count on their SO to react to their well being.
There are long term relations where reactions can be tempered…but that is only after long times of knowing each other.
In this instance the OP probably responded like an ass…but the relationship sounds unhealthy.
OK, but he responded in anger to her initial texts and didn’t make any allowances, so we don’t know how’d she act when treated supportively. If his reaction had been more comforting and supportive and she still was acting rude, I still wouldn’t argue about in the middle of a heart attack. Maybe that’s a conversation for another day.
I thinking bickering with your wife over tone once you found out it was serious, doesn’t make you such a good guy either.
I assumed “got to get work done” wasn’t a sarcastic comment that he shouldn’t bother coming because he has work to do, but rather she’s in the hospital because SHE needs to get some work (re: tests) done.
I have a sense this little text exchange is a microcosm of everything that is wrong in the relationship.
The fact that the biggest question seems to be ''Who is the asshole here?" is indicative of the problem. Relationship problems don’t get solved by identifying everything the other person is doing wrong, and declaring yourself blameless. They don’t get solved by picking apart your own behavior either (unless there’s some kind of pattern that needs undoing.) Relationship problems get solved by swallowing your pride and getting at the emotional core of what’s causing everything to go off the rails. Relationships are healed by letting go of the need to be vindicated in your rightness and acting instead out of love.
Which isn’t to say that all relationships are great candidates for healing. Sometimes it just isn’t workable, and it definitely won’t work if only one person is willing to put in that effort. But in this case I don’t see effort on either side, just self-satisfied wound-licking, which might help with the temporary sting of the conflict but in the long run will just drive you further apart.
Basically in any given conflict you make a choice. Is this behavior going to bring me closer to this person or farther away? The choices both of you are making speak to the latter outcome. Now, that might be for the best, but at least let it be a conscious decision.
I’ve heard it said anger is a way of avoiding other emotions and I think in the case of relationships that is often very true. You’re angry because you’re hurt. You’re hurt because you feel rejected, because she implied that you cared about work more than you care about her, because you feel like you can’t win. At the bottom of all that is a deep desire to not to be rejected, to be recognized as caring about her, and for winning, in her eyes. That’s a positive thing you can build from. Even telling her you feel that way (that you want her to feel loved, that you want her approval) is a good start. But you won’t get anywhere until you dig through the anger and are honest with each other about what you care about most.
