Am I being a bad roommate?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Or is one of my other roommates the bad roommate?

I am a quiet, keep to myself type of person, and my two roommates are pretty social and like to watch TV together and the like. I moved in in July of 2006 and have pretty much been living in my room, as that is where my computer is, and most of my homework and hobbies revolve around it, I also have a TV in my room and DVD player. I have a huge movie collection I let them watch whenever, and have once or twice asked that they keep them in a particular order. I also have an external hard drive I have set up with a shared file for music and other things they want to access through the network. I cook regularly and until recently have ALWAYS asked if they wanted some. Something they don’t return the favor of, but whatever.

We had a system where there was “community” food, and if you bought it, you wrote down the price and the other roommates pitched in and paid you back. I almost always bought the stuff but never bothered writing down the cost. If they cook something and don’t put a name on it, the rule is that it is open to whomever. I rarely ate their leftovers, and when I did they never complained (I only ate the ones that had no names of course). They have had quite a few parties in which people left their old booze, and during the semester break, I drank up some of this, but I did offer to replace it, they declined.

One of the roommate is pretty messy, and she leaves her laundry downstairs for a week at a time. I have taken them upstairs on several occasions, as “cleaning” the laundry room is my job, and while taking her clothes upstairs isn’t, I can’t clean when there are piles of laundry.

The landlord is the two roommates father, and part of living there is doing yard work. I don’t mind mowing and the like, and we do rotate, but there are some crazy neighbors that complain about our leaves. They were so insistent and annoying my roommates talked to the police and had them told to stop bugging us. I mentioned to them then that lawn work isn’t my favorite, and when I moved in it wasn’t something that was mentioned, I also told them I don’t mind mowing, but raking the yard is something I don’t care to do.

Anyway, lately one of the roommates has pretty much stopped talking to me. Her laptop broke, and I fixed it one for her, but she hasn’t asked me to fix it again (simple problem). She doesn’t say hi, and before she stopped talking she pretty much never ate anything I cooked, and when I offered she kind of got the “yeah, whatever” look and tone to her voice. I have suspicions it is due to my hermit like living style, but I am not certain. She wrote me an email asking when I was going to move out, and I pretty much responded with a little rudeness, she has gotten worse then.

(email - Are you moving out this summer, basically: Me: well, don’t know what your problem has been lately, but yes, I am moving out and won’t torture you with my presence any longer)

Anyway, I was wondering if I am committing a Faux Pas or something by not being social and hanging out with them watching TV. Sometimes it is hard because the one that is mad at me is young (turning 21 soon, and acts pretty immature), she gets snippy if you say something she doesn’t agree with, even as far as laughing at your face while saying you are wrong.

Personally I am perplexed, as I haven’t changed in any way since I moved in, except not hanging out as much. We met in school, we aren’t long time friends, and never hung out a whole lot other than parties and around the house.

So am I being a bad roommate, or what? I am quiet in the mornings, I don’t stomp around or have the TV and music up loud, ever. I consider myself very considerate of people around me in that regard, and I am confident in stating that I think I am a good roommate, but this has me wondering.

What are your thoughts, am I the bad roommate, or are they overreacting, am I looking more into this than I should?

2

Ugh, just get out. Your response back to her in the e-mail was a bit snippy but I get the feeling there was stuff leading up to it. I hate being forced to spend time with people and much prefer my solitude. And not talking to you is childish and immature and I would probably say something. “You know, if you have a problem with me, we can discuss it and I’m willing to listen.” To start with. And see how she reacts or if she escalates it.

Of course we’re getting only your side of the story but I don’t think you’ve been a bad roomate. Living together doesn’t mean you have to spend time together.

3

Yeah, my GF said it was pretty snippy too, but in context it had been about a month since she had even acknowledged my existence (I had said hello several times with no response), the email was a bit longer than what I posted and it came attached with “house rules.” I would post the original email, but I seem to have deleted it.

She wrote back and said something along the lines of “Gee, whats with the attitude, I was just asking a question.” And I wrote her back saying sorry for the attitude, but with you not talking to me, eating my food, and changing the house rules (no community food now, WTF, I was buying it all anyhow, and not eating it all either) and asked her if I offended her in some way, but she didn’t respond.

I haven’t confronted her mostly because her attitude with me doesn’t bother me that much, it is more the idea that I am a “bad” roommate that weighs on me more than her loss of “friendship.” I hope that doesn’t sound too callous.

4

I don’t think you’re bad at all. Just mismatched with their style. Some people prefer more of a “Friends” roommate situation, and it sounds like you’re more of a loner. Nothing wrong with that. I think you’ll find there are other people like you out there who would rather keep to themselves. Just try to keep the peace until the lease is up. Good luck.

5

I didn’t really see anything in your post that would point to being a bad housemate - the sudden change in attitude on your housemate’s part sort of left me wondering if your roomie doesn’t have a BF that she now wants to move into the house. By getting you to move out, maybe she moves the boyfriend in.

I don’t know, could be they’re just being insufferably snotty about it all and can’t deal with this in a mature fashion. Yeah - I’d move, too. I wouldn’t want to put up with that sort of crap for a moment longer than I had to.

Frankly, IMO, you sound like a great housemate, so I’m leaning towards just plain clashing personalities, but the boyfriend angle is more interesting to ponder. :smiley:

6

That’s what I’m thinking, too. Actually, you don’t sound like roommate material to me - too rigid. You sound like someone who needs his own place so it can be the way he likes it. I can relate - I very seldom had roommates, and I liked it that way.

7

There must be something about that age. When I was that age I was absolutely positively expected to spend every waking hour when not in school with my friends. “Alone time” did not compute with them. If I went off on some wild rampage of wanting to spend only 6 nights per week with them, I was accused of being anti-social.

It gets better.

8

Well, I agree with this too. If you can find another loner who is on the opposite shift from you, it would be perfection. Almost like living alone except for the occasional note.

Some people really aren’t roommate material. Nothing wrong with that, either. You’ll find your niche.

9

I’ll be 30 in June, FWIW. I’ve lived by myself since I was like 19. I first got a roommate 3 years ago about a year into my first year of school.

If I’m rigid, it’s probably because of that.

I’ve already told my girlfriend I will be moving into a place by myself this time. I would prefer a cheap(ish) home or duplex over an apartment. I hate it when people live above me and stomp around while I am trying to sleep. Once I am asleep I do ok, but getting to sleep is nearly impossible with that kind of noise.

10

"Me: well, don’t know what your problem has been lately, but yes, I am moving out and won’t torture you with my presence any longer"

That was beyond snippy, that was tremendously passive aggressive. Your roomie may be acting like a little snot, but why not speak to her like an adult? “Hey roomie, we need to talk. We live together and while we do have different hobbies, I want this to be as pleasant as possible. I’ve noticed that you’ve been stand offish to me for the last month or so, is there some reason for this?” If she reacts like a little kid, then you did the grown up thing and tried- that’s all you can do. You plan on moving out anyway, but why not make some attempt to mend the relationship in the mean time.

And no, you didn’t sound like a bad roommate until you replied to her snippiness with passive aggressive childishness. Of course, her snippiness makes her a bad roommate too.

11

I had a roommate like you for about a year, and I have to admit that it started to bother me after a while. His solitary nature began to seem standoffish and eventually creepy to me through no fault of his own. It was just my temperament - very friendly and gregarious - and his were mismatched, and it started to grate on me after a while.

12

I’d say you’re jumping to conclusions about what the problem is. Since you and the roommate both are avoiding direct discussion of the problem, you are only guessing at the reasons for her behavior. It’s just as likely to be some transgression, real or imagined, that you simply haven’t perceived. I know that when I lived with roommates, that kind of stuff was a common occurrence.

Passive-aggressives do not make good roommates. Good roommate relationships require open communication. If you want to work on being a better roommate, now and in the future, you should calmly but directly attempt to discuss the problem with the silent treatment roommate. And yes, your reply to her was passive-aggressive (though your roommate is being quite passive-aggressive as well).

13

You sound like the perfect roommate to me. You cook, clean, are quiet and stay out of the way. Whats not to love?

14

Roommates

Community food

Communes

Collectivization

Communism

It’s a slippery slope. Be glad you’re getting out while you can.

15

It sounds to me like Ep is an adult, and moody 21-year-old has inflated expectations about how roommates should all be best friends and have lots of hilarious, zany and fun adventures each week.

Ep sounds like a perfectly decent grown up roommate, but I don’t think grown up fits the Hollywoodized expectations of 21-year-old. It also sounds like she’s possibly got feelings for Ep which Ep isn’t reciprocating.

16

You aren’t alone in this problem, Epimetheus. I have always considered myself a good roommate. I basically live in my room too, because that’s where my computer and desk are. I bought headphones so I wouldn’t make noise on my computer. I tiptoe around when I know my roommate is sleeping. I don’t cook anything messy unless I’m willing to clean it up right away.

And my roommate doesn’t exactly complain about me staying out of his way (aren’t I doing him a favor?!), but he is getting more and more passive aggressive about it. For example, he occationally tosses out the comment that it is practically his apartment, since everything in the living room is his. Ok, I think, I’ll put some of my stuff out there. I put a stack of books and a cooler out there, incase anyone wanted to use them. I wake up the following day and he has oh so nicely put them in front of my door with a note saying “please clean up after yourself”.
At 3AM I’ll be treated to him loudly watching TV shows on his 800 billion watt speaker system. I’ll get up to ask him to turn it down. As soon as he hears my door open, he’ll turn it down before I can get out there to ask. You would think that night after night he’d get the idea that people do sleep at 3AM.
He did all the shopping, and charged me accordingly to what I ate. At one point, he stopped giving me receipts and telling me what I owed him for 3 months. Then he had the audacity to complain that I wasn’t paying my fair share of groceries. Hey roomie, I don’t know what I owe you if you don’t tell me. That was the deal…

This is just a few of many examples of this passive-aggressive ilk.

You are a great roommate IMO. Basically, there is nothing you can do but wait it out. Some people like me and you think roommates should do their best to stay out of each others way because it is the courteous thing to do. Not everyone agrees I guess.
If you are ever looking for a roommate in MI, let me know. We’d probably get along great.