Doing nice things for people

So, my roommate just spent 30 minutes yelling at me because I never bring him a beer without being asked, out of the goodness of my own heart.

He also says that I shouldn’t expect thanks for cleaning up his dishes which were stinking up the kitchen sink for two weeks, and he’s offended that I asked him to empty the dishwasher afterwards. It’s all part of doing nice things for people, see – you should just do things without being asked, and don’t expect any thanks in return.

Is this how nice people are really supposed to behave? I haven’t had any other roommates in a long time, so maybe I’m not in the know. Please, someone enlighten me.

It’s time to get a new roommate.

Your roommate is an asshole.

Now, or later, when it’s really ugly, you need to think about a new roommate.

When people show you who they really are, your job is to SEE!

Why would any adult allow themselves to be berated for 30mins by an asshole who wants someone to fetch his beer from him? Do you owe him your life or something?

This isn’t going to change direction without action on your part.

Nice people don’t scream at their roommates for 30 mins, by the way.


And this.

Also… wtf? 30 minutes of yelling?

Your roomie’s a dick.

Not in the cards unfortunately, but I wish it were possible.

Well, there was more to the “conversation” (if you can call it that) but that’s the part which really stuck out for me. I didn’t mention how I’m supposedly a jerk for not being appreciative of being allowed to live here at reduced rent, whereas he’s not expected to show appreciation for me cleaning up after him and other stuff like that. Oh, and I haven’t bought a $40 hypoallergenic air filter for him to help with his allergies, since I’m supposedly the “only one” who actually uses the HVAC.

Or maybe this is how privileged rich kids expect to be treated? I’m not privileged or rich, so maybe I’m just out of touch with the 1%.

So basically, his point is that since you’re paying less than what you’re “supposed to” in rent, you’re his servant?

Fuck that shit, man. If I were in your shoes, I’d be resisting such an urge to pee in his shampoo bottles.

Unless this guy’s sucking your dick and he’s REALLY good at it, I can’t imagine a good reason to put up with his shit. I’m pretty sure if you started looking around you’d find a new place in under a month.

He might have a point on the beer thingy sorta. It is nice to have someone just do something nice for you out a the blue.

OTOH he uses up any nice karma points he earned there by being a jackass by not being nice when you clean up after his nasty ass.

So, he started out slightly ahead at first and ended up way behind before it was all over with.

That would certainly be a plus, except we’re blood-related so…eww.
Besides, you know what they say about family situations – even if I were to move out, I wouldn’t be rid of them. :rolleyes:

Yeah, this is the part I’m confused about. How am I supposed to know that he wants me to bring him a beer, if he doesn’t tell me what he wants? I’m okay with doing things for people when they ask (within reason, of course) but I’m no mind-reader, dammit.

How many nice things does he do for you? You know, without having to be asked? Consideration goes both ways.

Your roommate is not nice. He’s a manipulator. He doesn’t want you to be nice. He wants you to be his servant.

Well, you aren’t supposed to “know”, but the concept of asking should occur to you on occasion.

Lets say its late afternoon on the weekend. Your roomate Bob typically has a beer while watching whatever floats his boat on TV.

You are in the kitchen getting whatever it is you want. A nice person would on occasion think to yell out “Hey Bob, you wanna beer while I am up and in the kitchen?”.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Bob sounds like an ass. And probably doesn’t deserve to have someone be nice to him at all. But that doesn’t mean you have to be a mind reader or virtual slave to be “nice” on occasion either.

Get a new job??

So if it doesn’t occur to me to get a beer for someone, I’m not a nice person? :dubious:

Don’t get me wrong, I sort of understand the concept of what you’re talking about. It’s just that during my upbringing (which I’ll admit is probably not typical) doing unexpected nice things for people, especially parents, would commonly result in severe punishment. Or having nice things done for me would commonly come with strings attached, like Xmas gifts being given away to charity, stuff like that. So yeah, I do have issues in that regard.

The problem is, I keep running into situations where people expect me to do unexpected nice things for them, and if I don’t, they take it as some kind of character flaw on my part. I’d like to change, but I can’t find any way to transform the general concept into specifics, you know? Hope that makes sense…

Heh…when roomie brought up the concept of me taking advantage of people and manipulating them, I responded with several examples of how that’s actually a family trait, not a character flaw. He quickly changed the subject…

Guess I should say that just a few minutes ago, he (kinda sorta) apologized for his earlier behavior and explained how he’s been going through a protracted breakup with his girlfriend (who I thought he’d broken up with two months ago, didn’t realize it was still going on.) Think I’ve mentioned before that he’s really a good kid at heart, and doesn’t always act like a privileged trust fund kiddie, but sometimes…daaaaamn.

Seriously, what is it about inheriting millions of dollars that turns people into instant jerks???

I didn’t know my ex had a roommate.

So he’s not just a roommate but a cousin, brother, uncle or something? That is different. He still an asshole but you can fight back much more when there is a blood relation. Beat the shit out of him or spread nasty rumors around the family. That is what I would do if it were a male family member and I was in the same situation. I have never actually done that myself but all the blood relatives I have ever had that shacked up in roommate relationship ended in violence (especially the women, OMG).

It didn’t solve anything really but they got respect for it at least temporarily. Of course, they had to move but nobody ended up in jail (because hey, we are family). You just have to consider all your options. You can be his bitch or his worst nightmare. It is better to be the latter.

Yes. IMO you do have issues. Sorry about the crappy upbringing an such.

Off the top of my head there is passive nice and active nice. Passive nice is never doing any “favors” for anyone unless they specifically ask.

Nothing wrong that. And that certainly is “better” than not doing anyone any favors even when they ask.

Then there is actively nice. You are in tune with the people surrounding you. Neighbors, roommates, coworkers, relatives blah blah blah.

Active nice means you know what others need/want/like and once in awhile (particularly when the effort you exert to do a favor is minor but the impact it has on the person you are doing it for is significant) you do something that will “help” that other person.

Now, in the case of your roomy or some of your relatives they may be expecting you to be active nice on a level of Ned Flanders on Exstacy which would obviously be over the top. But I hope you can get the concept here of of random but reasonable active nice.

All things considered, it does sound like he has entitlement issues related to money and position. And you’re ‘lower’ than him, because you’re paying less rent or what-not.
This could be a nice little sit-com, but I wouldn’t bet on him ‘seeing the light’ and realizing that grownups don’t act that way.
So…show him what grownups do act like.
And if at all possible, insist on paying equal rent, or whatever it would take to get him off his self-rising pedestal, 'cause you’re not doing him any favors by letting him stand up there.