Am I being a jerk about this? I don't think so.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My wife got annoyed with me today. Because while at the bank today taking care of the mortgage stuff and getting our house rebuilt, she suggested for the second time, that we could get a modular house built on the property. I told her the first time she mentioned it that the answer was no. Today she upped her questioning about it by saying she looked online and it could be done for $60,000.

Now our house was originally priced at around $170,000. But it was on the market for a long time and the price dropped to 150K. (when we got it so many folks were deployed the housing market near Bragg had a lot of nice homes but no buyers). We got it for 149K. Our insurance is giving us 176K to rebuild it.

So when she mentioned how much money could be saved with a modular home I had to nip this (to me) ridiculous idea in the bud by saying “You want me to build a flimsier house in place of the nice brick house which incidentally saved our lives when that tornado hit it? No way.”

Her: You’re not even going to consider it? Or go look at some modular homes?"

Me: Why would I? My interest in modular homes is in negative numbers. I’m not only not going to consider it, I’m not even going to talk about it. No. Modular. House. Why would I want a house worth less than half of the one I had?

Her: Thats close minded.

Me: Ok. I don’t have a problem with being closeminded about it. You’re not going to guilt me into thinking about it.

She was obviously pissed at me for saying that, but you know what, I really don’t care. To me its the dumbest suggestion I’ve heard. The first time she mentioned it her friend was there and her friend even said it was a bad idea. I’m not kidding, I’m not even considering it. If she brings it up again I’m going to be pissed.

2

Can you tell her that you will think about it and then say no? Other than cost, does she have any reason for wanting a modular home? Because I really wouldn’t want one if I had other options.

3

I wouldn’t say jerkish, but I do think your manner of discourse with your wife was a bit tactless. Would it have killed you to humor her at least a little? Nobody likes their ideas being shut down so completely.

4

I don’t know exactly sure where you are going with this. Her initial idea may be dumb but there may be a seed of a good idea in there. There is nothing wrong with the idea of modular homes and you can save money by using that technology. Many of them are poorly built but not all of them and you get to pick which one you would get. There is such a thing as quality modular homes and the competition in suppliers is stiff because the industry has taken such a hit in recent years. If you found a good one, there is no reason to reject it off-hand. The basic idea is just to make building houses as efficient as building cars or anything else but they come with a range of options.

I doubt you could get any reasonable quality house of average size for 60K but you might be able to get something modular that is equivalent or better than your prior home for less than the amount it was worth at the time. There is no rule that just spending all the money to have it built completely on site for whatever money you get for insurance will work out better. In a disaster zone, contractors are going to be in high demand and in low supply so it will cost you.

You could tell her that her idea isn’t completely dumb and you will look into it more. You could get an even better house for the same money or you could get a cheaper one and pocket the difference. There is nothing unethical about either of those scenarios.

I think you should praise her for thinking of alternative plans that may or may not work but a 60K modular home isn’t going to replace the one you had. Work with the idea from there.

5

Good lord man, you pause, consider it, muse about structural stability in high winds and say let’s take a look at how they do compared to X but you’re not sure. She finds out they do badly and it all gets sorted out without making someone feel dumb.

Even I learned that by year 4 of my marriage (slow learner :slight_smile: )

Besides it may turn out the idea is not nearly as bad as you think.

6

I probably should have been more tactful, I agree. But I’m not kidding…as long as I don’t have the means to have our house rebuilt (and thanks to USAA I do) I have no interest in the modular house idea. Period. I don’t often put my foot down with her ideas, but this is one time I have to. I’ve already got enough damage control stuff to do, as well as finding a contractor, getting bids, having the remains demolitioned and hauled off, etc. I’m not wasting time looking at modular homes that I seriously do not want.

I bought the original house because it was a sturdy, nice, beautiful brick house. I’d rather just pay off the bank and buy another one like it than get a modular home.

So yeah, I should have been more tactful, but that doesn’t work with the wife all of the time. If I didn’t just shut her down right there I’d be spending too much time humoring an idea I’m not going to consider.

7

I think I may have more chance of nookie tonight than you.

8

Seriously? Are you her fucking father? Do you feel you have absolute veto power over everything? :rolleyes:

Yeah - big time dicky attitude.

Partners usually listen to each other, consider their opinions, and then discuss the pros and cons. Then, after examining everything, hopefully, a reasonable decision is agreed upon.

If my husband talked to me that way, I would punch him in the dick. But - he never would, because he respects me.

9

Then again we’re talking about rebuilding an entire house as quickly as possible while navigating insurance agencies, governments and competition for contractors. If historically the building type stuff has been primarily his then the reaction is short tempered but not “punch in the dick” disrespectful.

10

My gf respects my opinion enough that if I come out with an emphatic no on something, there’s a good reason for it. The OP gave his reasoning which is totally sound imho and she still wants to bicker about it- her issue. If it was something that I could see another viewpoint on, I’d vacillate then decide. Replacing a brick house with a modular house is a non starter for me, I’ve built (or at the least been heavily involved with) 4 modular homes. Even the best of them and on the North Shore we didn’t go with the low bidder were a third rate job at best.

11

Nope I don’t. The first time she mentioned it I actually did mention why I didn’t like the idea. But I don’t make unilateral decisions about things until this. Because you don’t know her or me. Like how she basically refused to drive a manual transmission (and she knows how, hell, she was driving 2 1/2 ton trucks when we met) period. And yeah, I mentioned how we could save money if she got a stick on her new car and she pretty much shut me down. I’m not the only one with veto power it seems.

I’ve already said I could have been more tactful, but knowing her as I do, she’d take that ball and roll with it. Now this is after the first time when I was tactful and explained to her why I’m not going to look at modular homes. I usually acquiesce about everything else she wants. Not doing it this time, and I don’t want to bandy the idea about.

This one thing does not define our neatrly 17 yrs of marriage. But it probably only the 3rd time I’ve put my foot down.

So you think I don’t respect her or her opinions? Oh well. I do, but I don’t agree with this idea and I’m not going to get into her obsession about it. Because I’ll regret it. I know I will.

She’d never hit me, BTW. Because she knows I’d never hit her. Especially over a disagreement like this.

12

I would be very surprised if a $150,000 neighborhood would even allow a $60,000 home. Is she considering building it somewhere else? If so, remember that you have to add the cost of land, septic and a well if it doesn’t have utility service.

13

Anyone who responds saying you don’t sound like a jerk also don’t know her or you, so their opinions aren’t any more valid than the negative ones.

I have no idea what the conversation between you and your wife was actually like, but the way you’ve framed it above makes you sound like a jerk who thinks he’s talking to a backward two year old.

14

Thank you, since thats kinda what I’m saying, badly. I’ve got FEMA to deal with, insurance and banks and hey, I just had to pay for 800 bucks wotrth of uniforms so I can go back to work. Not to mention the paperwork I need to fill out explaining why all of my TA-50 is missing. So I sohludn’t have been short tempered, but really, I’m not going to have the modular home discussion again as if I’m seriously going to consider it when I’m not.

[QUOTE=MikeG]
Replacing a brick house with a modular house is a non starter for me, I’ve built (or at the least been heavily involved with) 4 modular homes. Even the best of them and on the North Shore we didn’t go with the low bidder were a third rate job at best.
[/QUOTE]

I’m pretty sure that we’d have been killed if the house wasn’t brick. I’m not willing to build anything weaker than that after having a friggin’ tornado basically knock on my door. (I’m not making this up, the tornado went right over our house. People who saw it couldn’t believe we were alive after.) I got a letter in the mail today that contained a check (with my address on it) that was on MY DESK when it hit from the Army Airfield. Thats at least 10 miles from here in straight line distance. Some soldier found it and mailed it back. (honest guy, but now I have to check all of our stuff for ID fraud)

I’m not a dick, I don’t usually say anything mean or nasty or dismiss her suggestions out of hand, but I really refuse to do this if I can rebuild my house…with the changes she wants, BTW. Hell, she shot down my idea of having the fireplace rebuilt without batting an eye. I guess you have to have a dick to be a dick.

15

First, I didn’t post in the other thread, although I read it. I’m sorry for all your losses. This must be such a difficult time for you. I can’t even imagine all the stuff you’re going through in such a short time. It must feel like there are years’ worth of decisions that you don’t have years to hash out. So I can totally understand your impatience and wanting to end rabbit trails.

But since this is the second time your wife is talking about this, maybe she really has some emotional thing she’s playing out with this. She must be feeling the loss also. Maybe she’s feeling like she doesn’t want something permanent that could be destroyed again?

Because I agree that on the face of it, it doesn’t make much sense. It would make more sense to duplicate the house that kept you safe in the first place. So maybe there’s more going on there.

Of course, you have a better idea of what could be going on, but both of you getting upset at each other in such a difficult time can’t be making this much easier.

I hope things get easier for you both.

16

I guess I missed the part of your OP where you actually discussed it with her. All I saw was her “mentioning” and " suggesting" it, and you “nipping it in the bud.”

17

Here’s a little tip for you, Jolly Rog - explain to her that your main concern, above all else, is your (her) safety. Everything else - including cost - is secondary. And present this in a calm, loving manner.

Problem solved.
mmm

18

You’re right, but I don’t like being painted as a dictator any more than anyone else. Or saying that I “should” have been punched in the dick/. I didn’t yell at her, I just let her know that I wasn’t going to consider the idea. If I’m the only person here thats ever just plain said “no” to a family member’s idea, so be it. I could have said it more tactfully, I’ve admitted that three times now.

My wife can dig her heels in and she’s stubborn. She’s also tough enough to take what I said with a grain of salt. (She’s actually laughing about my putting my foot down right now, because she thinks its out of character for me) I usually just give in and let her have her way because I want her to be happy, even when it costs me money or makes me unhappy. This ain’t one of those times.

19

Tell her that in life, everyone gets a veto, and you are exercising yours.

Also, no, I don’t think you’re being a jerk.

20

Then allow me to say that when she first suggested it we had a discussion where I told her I didn’t like the idea, I think the house would be flimsier than having a house built on the land and yes, i did mention our property values. This was during a two hour car ride to a dealership to get her new car because her vehicle was totalled in the tornado. After that I kinda thought the idea was over. I didn’t expect her to bring it up in the bank while I was arranging for the home loan/insurance payoff stuff/ rebuilding money to be straight.

So nipping it in the bud is a correct statement. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m not willing to consider it since we have the means to have our house rebuilt. I know her…and she knows me pretty well…if I said “I don’t like it, but I’ll look into it” or something it’d come up every freaking day and again, I’m not interested at all in a modular home. So I told her that and I told her that in a way that would leave her with no illusions about it. If that makes me deserving of a punch in the dick, then you need to get a gun…there are people far more jerkish in less stressful situations that need shootin’.

[QUOTE=Heffalump and Roo]
First, I didn’t post in the other thread, although I read it. I’m sorry for all your losses. This must be such a difficult time for you. I can’t even imagine all the stuff you’re going through in such a short time. It must feel like there are years’ worth of decisions that you don’t have years to hash out. So I can totally understand your impatience and wanting to end rabbit trails.

But since this is the second time your wife is talking about this, maybe she really has some emotional thing she’s playing out with this. She must be feeling the loss also. Maybe she’s feeling like she doesn’t want something permanent that could be destroyed again?

Because I agree that on the face of it, it doesn’t make much sense. It would make more sense to duplicate the house that kept you safe in the first place. So maybe there’s more going on there.

Of course, you have a better idea of what could be going on, but both of you getting upset at each other in such a difficult time can’t be making this much easier.

I hope things get easier for you both.
[/QUOTE]

We’re not upset about it. She was annoyed by my refusal, but that lasted all of 30 minutes. But thanks for the well wishes. Its been rough, but we’re okay and we survived the tornado, which frankly is a miracle. Knowing me, as I know she does, it should be obvious that I’ll do all that I can to make sure that our home is secure and sturdy.

This wasn’t an argument. It was like the 3rd time in 16 and a half years I just plain said no to her suggestion/idea/whatever.

Man, I was feeding one of the lost kittens she took in and it just shit on me.