Buying a house. Why do people insist on putting in their two dogmatic cents?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m in the process of buying a house. I’ve discovered that whole lot of people insist on foisting their house-buying perferences onto me. I’m not talking about merely sharing their opinions, mind you. Rather, I’m talking about people foisting their viewpoints and getting upset if I don’t follow their advice.

Have any of you folks had that experience as well? Here are a few examples of what I mean.

After looking at the summary sheet for the house I’ve been looking at, one co-worker said, “That house was built in 1940! You shouldn’t buy it. Old houses have so many problems. Why, our house has termites, and yours will probably have them too.”

Another said, “You should get a house on a road with less traffic. That road has too many cars on it during rush hour.”

Yet another said, “You should try a different city. Why <fill-in-the-blank> is rather nice.”

Like I said, I don’t mind that people voice their opinions. What irritates me, however, is that they often voice them dogmatically – as though their viewpoints were the final word. On multiple occasions, I’ve had to tell people, “Okay, okay. I’ve heard you. I appreciate your input, but I’ve already looked at other houses on the market. What you’re asking for would cost too much money, and I’m not willing to spend that much.”

On one occasion, I even told someone, “Do you have any idea how much a 20-year-old house of the same size would cost in this neighborhood? You simply cannot find one for under $225,000. I’m not made of money, and I’m not willing to get into unnecessary debt.”

Now, the house I’m looking at has some problems. Some of the plumbing needs to be fixed, for example, and there are some minor electrical problems. Also, the foundation underneath one room needs to be examined. Despite the repair costs though, I’m willing to buy it; after all, the other comparable houses in the neighborhood would cost a great deal more.

One woman has been voicing her disapproval for several days now, though. Just today, our conversation went something like this:

She: “You should find something else. I’m afraid that you’ll regret this.”

Me: “Yes, I understand that. I’ve heard you. I understand your concern, and you could be right. No matter what I do though, it will involve some risk.”

She: “I just don’t want you to make a decision that you’ll regret.”

Me: “Yes, yes. You’ve been saying that for a while now. I’ve examined all the factors, though. I’ve done computerized searches. I’ve consulted a realtor. I’ve looked at the housing market. I’ve examined the nature of the repairs needed. I’ve considered the homeowner’s warranty. I’ve considered the rising interest rates. I’ve considered which repairs will need professional help, and which ones I could do myself. I know this isn’t an ideal choice, but after examining all those factors, I think it’s a reasonable choice to make.”

She: “But you might regret it!”

Me (starting to raise my voice): “Yes, yes, yes. I get it. Thank you. Yes, I might regret it. I acknowledge that. You’ve made your concern perfectly well known, and I share your concerns. Thank you.”

She: “Why are you getting so upset? I’m just being concerned.”

Me: “Yes, I understand that you’re concerned. I’ve heard you. If you can suggest a better house, then I’d be open to hearing about it… but until then, I have to make my decision.”

She: “You’re acting so irritated. If you don’t want me to be concerned…”

Me: “I never said that. It’s wonderful that you’re concerned. You’ve made your point perfectly clear, and I don’t deny that there’s cause for concern. That’s not what’s irritating me, though. I’ve heard you. I’ve heard you many times now, and you could be perfectly right. I never denied that. Thank you.”

She: “Like I said, I’m just being concerned. If you don’t want me to be concerned, I won’t be.”

Me: “See, this tells me that you don’t understand what I’m saying. I don’t have a problem with your being concerned. I’ve told you that. I’ve heard you many times now. Thanks for your concern. I’ve heard you, and I’ve struggled with this decision myself. Thank you.”

Yeah, I’m kinda worked up about this right now. So, did any of you have the same kind of experience when you were buying your homes?

2

All you need to say is ‘Thank you. I’ll take that under advisement’. Don’t explain; as you see, people will always come back at you with something else. Just thank them and then ask them about their husband, kids, or pet.

3

In your conversation, you backed down a bit (“yeah I might regret it…If you can suggest a better house…”) That gives the other person an in to keep drilling the point in.
When I started getting those comments, I just responded with “Hey, if you wanna cough up the extra $20,000, but I can’t afford it.”
I found that it’s much easier to just tell the person you can’t afford a different house and therefore have no control over it then explaining your reasoning to them. But this still let’s them give you suggestions, ya’know if they want to chip in.

Don’t get me wrong, even the worst offenders can offer good bits of advice. (hmmm, the house *is[/] 40 years old, I’ll have to ask how old the roof is, but after a while enough is enough and you might just have to walk away.

4

If you’re the vindictive type then you can take solace in the fact that all these people are probably still suffering from the regret they have from making the same mistakes that they’re telling you about.

5

When we were apartment-hunting his family was very supportive; my family less so.
Them: Househousehousehouse

Us: We’d love a house within walking distance of the city - we don’t have the 500-600k necessary to buy one and we’re not going to buy some piece of shit house in a piece of shit neighbourhood just so we can have a house instead of an apartment.

Them: Buy a house, rent it out, and rent an apartment in the city. Capitalgainscapitalgainscapitalgains

Us: We want to own the place we live in. We want to paint the walls, have pets, and not have to deal with a landlord. We don’t plan on ever moving. We have an investment plan that doesn’t involve real-estate.

Them: Stupidstupidstupid
It was excrutiating going through the conversation, not just with my parents, but my aunts/uncles, and my cousin’s boyfriend, for God’s sake. Anyone who’s ever bought a house seems to think they’re a real-estate expert. I can see why the older generation would be married to the idea of real-estate being the best investment - houses that were 50k 20 years ago are now selling for a million. But the boyfriend (who lives with his parents, mind you) thinks he’s some sort of financial guru just because he works at the bank, he wouldn’t let up, and we ended up having to be really rude with him - so rude that I still cringe to think of it.

Due to sheer luck, our decision has proven to be the wiser one so far. The crappy suburbs we could have bought into have been hard-hit by rising petrol prices (there’s very little public transport so the residents are reliant on their cars) and have barely appreciated whereas rents in the city have sky-rocketed, and the general area is booming. In fact in our area last year, apartments outperformed houses. Had we followed my family’s advice we’d be paying high rent in a competitive market while being landlords of a house (in a non-competitive market) that in real terms was worth less than we had bought it for.

6

I think that, at least from what you posted, you never actually told this person “the reason I seem irritated is that you are repeating yourself/badgering/hitting me over the head with your concern. I know you’re concerned, please stop repeating it now so we can move on.”

7

Not in those specific words. However, I did say (more than once), “Yes, yes, yes. I understand your concern. You’ve raised it several times now. I’ve heard you.” And in our most recent conversation, when she asked, “Why are you acting so irritated?” I said “It’s because you keep bringing these concerns up. I’ve heard you. I’ve heard you all along. I’ve even said that I acknowledge the concerns you raise, and I share them. Unless you can find me a better housing option though, I need to move on.”

That’s the point I kept trying to emphasize. Is there a more affordable house in the neighborhood? Then tell me which one it is or drop the subject.

8

I think there are two separate points here.

Buying a house is for most of us the biggest financial decision of our lives. Therefore we are rather tense and any unrequested advice can grate.
(Hopefully the people talking to you mean well.)

The more important point is that although the conversation given bugged you, you weren’t thinking about how it felt to her.
OK, maybe she shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. But your side of the conversation came over as not addressing her concerns.
As others have said, you need a better response than “I understand your concern.”
I know you were trying to be polite :slight_smile: , but it wasn’t working.
How about these?

“I will definitely think about what you’ve said.”
“Tell me about your experiences.”
“My dog just died.”
"Go away, you annoying person. :eek: "

9

Not addressing her concerns? I don’t see how. Remember the part where I said the following?

Me: “Yes, yes. You’ve been saying that for a while now. I’ve examined all the factors, though. I’ve done computerized searches. I’ve consulted a realtor. I’ve looked at the housing market. I’ve examined the nature of the repairs needed. I’ve considered the homeowner’s warranty. I’ve considered the rising interest rates. I’ve considered which repairs will need professional help, and which ones I could do myself. I know this isn’t an ideal choice, but after examining all those factors, I think it’s a reasonable choice to make.”

I acknowledged her concerns. I also pointed out that there are no other comparable houses on the market that are anywhere close to its price range. I also emphasized that I can perform certain repairs on my own, and that others can afford to wait. I likewise pointed out that some of these concerns would be covered under the homeowner’s warranty. I also pointed out that interest rates are starting to rise, and that if a new house were to be placed on the market, it would surely be priced high. I even emphasized that I had searched around neighboring cities as well.

I don’t see how anyone can claim that her concerns were not addressed. What should I do… provide her with a tally sheet and architectural diagrams?

10

I’d be sure not to mention houses to these people again. Ever. Us kids have a rule to never mention purchases to our mother until 5 years after the purchase. She has to keep telling you how you didn’t need it. That goes for something basic like a new television when your 20 year old set is dead. She finds out about stuff, and asks when we got it, then we can tell her we’ve had it for years.

11

I think some people believe that doing something once makes them an expert - hence those who have bought houses feel obligated to share their expertise. Of course, expertise is liberally seasoned with opinions, but such is life.

Personally, I hate HOAs and I advise people to avoid them like the plague. I have a coworker who things they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, and she’s served on several association boards. Each to his own, I suppose. Having had 2 houses built, I swear, I’ll never do that again. I much prefer buying an older place the meets my needs and modifying it to make it mine. I know people who’d never consider anything but building new.

So, to answer your question of why: um, because. Singly and with my husband, I’ve bought 8 houses and sold 7 of them over the last 27 years. Each home was a learning experience, and I think I have a lot to share. But I do try to offer my opinions as suggestions rather than edicts, and I stick to things I think are really important - like having the sale contingent on a satisfactory inspection (wish we’d done that on one house in particular…) Of course, if you ask me, I’ll tell you my experiences. I promise I won’t tell you what you should do - I don’t need that coming back to bite me in the butt.

12

Man, get ready to actually live in the damn place, then wait for the dogmatic advice to start flying. Neighbors will be crawling in the windows to tell you that your roof has a shingle loose. They’ll go on at ex-ka-ruuuciating length about the plumbing, the windows, the chimney, foundation cracks, your overgrown maple and the white grubs in your lawn. (Yer gonna do somethin’ bout that soon, I imagine.) They’ll literally rip wood out of your hands cause you ain’t stacking it right. Oh brother, get ready, cause you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

That said, we bought an old house, it had problems and now it’s just fine. I managed to back the neighbors way off by just acting in a generally psychotic fashion. All is well.

13

Sounds like JThunder knows a whole lot of people who need reassurance that they did the right thing in buying a piece of junk house :wink:

goes back to reading Canadian Housing for Dummies

14

Methinks you lack the basic conversational tool of “changing the subject”.

15

If people want to discuss the matter, they’re welcome to. I’m not about to change the subject unless they’ve already crossed the line and become an annoyance.

Besides, changing the subject doesn’t stop people from bringing it up again in the future.

One person kept telling me “It sounds like a fixer-upper! They should have listed it as a fixer-upper! You should complain!” and so forth, and so on. I tried to patiently explain that there is no firm dividing line between houses that are fixer-uppers and those that aren’t. I also tried to explain that even if she’s right, that information doesn’t really help me – not unless the seller is willing to reduce the price, which is what I had been asking for anyway.

16

I know the feeling. When I was buying in late 2005, my brother – my own brother! – got on my case for (as I vaguely recall) not spending all my money to live where he wanted me to live. Never mind that I already had price shock issues due to having tried to buy a house a few years previously for about half the price of what I was then looking at. Never mind that it’s good practice to keep reserve cash for inevitable issues (in my case, polybutylene water lines) that can suck funds. :rolleyes:

17

JT: They’re gonna keep bugging you until you tell them to butt out. That’s what OpalCat tried to say. Your response indicated (at least to me) that you missed his/her point.

Telling your advice-givers that you heard & understood them isn’t enough (for them). They won’t be happy until you actually do what they tell you to. And since you’re not gonna do that, they aren’t gonna be happy.

So the only way out is to break the cycle: Your message, however diplomatically delivered needs to amount to “Butt out. I don’t want to hear your comments again, period.” And your message needs to have no further justiifcation included; that just gives them another crack to stick their wedge into.

Good luck. Your advice-givers may be too bovine to take this nicely. If so, no great loss IMO.

18

Right now, my husband has given up on trying to save a coworker from herself as she plans to buy her first house. The facts:

DC area
Single mother with preteen
She makes 60K
Her fiance works for a finance company
She wants at least 3000 sq ft.
Fiance insists “interest only” is a good way to go

My husband tried to explain some simple facts to her, and she pretty much waved him off. She’s a nice younger woman who wants what she wants when she wants it. Apparently, she insists on name brand everything, high end clothing and accessories, stuff like that. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but you can only do so much on her income, but she seems to be in denial.

Frankly, I think my husband’s motivation is more selfish than personal control - he doesn’t need to be working with someone who inevitably will be in deep financial trouble. He knows she’ll bring it to the office with her and he’s too nice to tell her to shut her pie hole. But he’s given up trying to talk to her. Obviously her fiance is the expert. :rolleyes:

I know this isn’t your situation, and I’m not suggesting it is. Sometimes it’s hard to watch the train speeding towards the car on the tracks…

19

It’s not just houses; I’ve found this attitude anytime one makes a major, life-affecting decision: what university to attend (“Are you really sure you want to go to Wasted State? Have you thought about Wotsamatta U?”), the first purchase of a new car as opposed to buying a friend’s used clunker (“Be careful of those new-car dealers; I knew a guy who got talked into…”), the first apartment, marriage, and so on. People mean well, and usually do it out of concern so that anything unpleasant that happened to them doesn’t happen to you. But I agree that it is a pain to deal with, especially when you do not take their advice and they keep nagging you to.

I’ve had to deal with all of the above, and the best solution I’ve found is the one mentioned upthread: “Thanks, I appreciate your concern, and I’ll take your idea under advisement.” Then change the subject.

Of course, I should add that you don’t want to automatically dismiss every piece of advice. The friend who happens to be a general contractor may have some advice to contribute that will help you to understand what is needed in doing what you wanted to do to your fixer-upper; and if the cousin who is a lawyer wants to help you understand, say, title searches, you may want to listen. But consider the source, consider the advice, and make a reasoned decision to “take it under advisement.” That is, mentally filing what you hear under “worth considering” or “ignore.” And then, quickly learning to change the subject.

20

Yup. I heard it.

“It’s not a family-oriented neighborhood.”
I’m single. I don’t want to live in a neighborhood where everyone suspects me of being a child molester because I’m the odd guy living by himself. Besides, what does “family-oriented” mean?

“The neighborhood is turning black!”
I’m an urban planner. I’m an expert at demographic trends. There’s both blacks and whites buying into the area. There’s also Asians, Hispanics, Jews, and Subaru-driving lesbians. They don’t build new lifestyle centers and Whole Foods stores in neighborhoods that are destined to be ghettos. Besides, I want to live in a diverse but stable neighborhood."

“You’re so far from work. You should live in (suburb close to work)”
Yeah, and if I live close to work, I’ll be even farther from civilization and other young professionals. My quality of life is not dependent on commute times.

“You’re too close to Cleveland.”
I WANT to be close to Cleveland. I want to be close to the museums, cultural attractions, and diversions.

“You’re single. You should get a condo.”
Fuck you. I can afford a house. I want the same lifestyle as others my age who are married. Living in a house makes me feel “normal.” Living in a condo would make me feel like a cliche.