It isnt Big Brother as such.
She wants to spend time together, and feels like the only way she can do that is watch TV you like.
She has found a way to stay with you and watch TV she doesnt like. You arent watching any programs you dont like, ie its your way or you’re gone.
I doubt its simply because there isnt a WoW friendly computer in the room. This is a pretty common couple dynamic.
Otara
Yes - by playing on her laptop while he watches stuff she doesn’t like. Expecting him to sit and do nothing, while she watches stuff he doesn’t like, is unreasonable and it’s not something she does herself. Getting another portable device so that they each have to amuse themselves with solves this problem.
A Nintendo Ds might be a good choice too, if he wants to emphasize the gaming. It’s $400 cheaper than an iPad. It only does one thing - but it does that one thing really well.
Of course, they could always find a way to spend time together away from the tv …
I doubt very much she wants him to ‘do nothing’, the issue is that he is not trying to find a way to stay, but instead is off as soon as it isnt his programs being watched.
‘WoW’ tends to ring alarm bells. I have a feeling we’re talking more than a few hours there and its not solely an issue of ‘I dont have a portable deviice for the sitting room’.
Otara
Here’s the dealio. One person doesn’t get to decide that this is what we’re doing from now on to show “togetherness” 'cause I did it first If Wife wants to endure vapid, boring television for the privelege of sitting next to her husband for 30 minutes, more power to her. Just because she decided to do it, doesn’t mean he has to, unless they discuss it and agree. I guarantee Husband does not perceived her to be making a sacrifice for the relationship, and would be upset if he knew she was enduring a needlessly boring hour for his sake. He has assumed (reasonably) that as she does not request otherwise, she really doesn’t mind either way. If she minded, she would excuse herself.
The idea that I would somehow gain pleasure by regularly forcing my husband to be bored and aggravated, particularly when the thing forced is not at all personally significant like a tv show is alien to me. I suppose some people really do roll like that though. The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care… right?
But she may really feel like that is such a basic, fundamental part of how relationships work that she didn’t need to spell it out. That’s not correct, of course, and they need to talk about it, but it could be an error of misunderstanding, not being a spoiled brat like you seem to imply.
And lots of people watch TV pretty mindlessly and may not consider watching a show you don’t like to be all that big of a deal. I’m not like this myself: I don’t ever sit down and turn on the TV if I don’t know EXACTLY what I am going to watch, but other people are different: for my dad, for example, I think the difference between a show he dislikes and one he really really likes makes about a 10% difference in his total TV viewing pleasure: either way, he’s mostly zoning out and unwinding. If the wife is like that, she may not really understand how much the husband will “suffer” by having to watch one of “her” shows.
Again, she could be a total spoiled bitch who likes to watch him squirm, or she could just be coming at the situation from a very different perspective. If it’s the first, he was a fool to marry her, but if it’s the second, he ought to try to figure out what’s going on and talk through it. And I am generally in favor of giving spouses the benefit of the doubt–I mean, they got married for some good reason, I assume.
Oh I totally agree. The OP, being a nice considerate person, should talk, in a non-accusatory way about what’s really bothering the wife. However, the onus should not be constantly on him to figure out what’s bothering his wife. If she has a concern, like not getting enough quality time together, she should voice it rather than lash out, expecting that will trigger his psychic powers.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, you figure it out is not a long term strategy for relationship success.
Two wrongs never make a right, but as a point of fact, Wife’s immediate reaction was to not give the OP the benefit of the doubt.
Right … it’s the evil video games. Never mind the fact that she gets to play on the computer while he watches his shows, and that doesn’t compromise their together time. Never mind that she’s decided - apparently unilaterally - that their together time has to be doing something that only one of them enjoys. Never mind that giving him an option in the same room would be exactly what she get to enjoy herself.
Sorry, no. If playing on the laptop is a reasonable activity when she does it, then it’s a reasonable activity when he does it.
If she expects him to be actively engaged in their joint activity, then she needs to pick an activity that’s jointly interesting. Otherwise, he’s entitled to pursue the same entertainment options she pursues herself.
Well of course he doesn’t. And she doesn’t perceive him having to endure Big Brother as a sacrifice for the relationship, either. Obviously the pain of watching an undesired TV show doesn’t strike her as big of a deal as it does the OP. After all, she has assumed (reasonably) that since he knows she’s attending to her laptop while he watches his favorite shows, that she’s not really into what he’s watches (contrary to his defense that she likes Wipeout). She’s there because she enjoys being with him and assumes that he does too, as they are married to each other.
One persons assumptions aren’t necessarily better than anothers. She was wrong to call him selfish without giving him the benefit of the doubt, I agree. But the whole thing sounds more like the product of a misunderstanding and a failure to see both sides than manipulative maliciousness.
I’m sorry if I made it sound like I thought the OP’s wife was malicious. I definitely don’t think that. I just think, as per the OP’s question, he was not selfish; to the contrary, she showed poor relational skills in a way that was both unkind and unproductive.
I dont think we’re talking about her any more.
Otara
If he were playing on the laptop, I’d agree with you completely. But he’s not–he’s playing on the desktop in another room. It’s apples and oranges. Sure, they’re both fruit and all, but c’mon. It’s not like she’s running out of the room squealing about how horrible and stupid and repulsive his shows are while pitching a bitch because he won’t watch her shows. She just wants him to do for her what she’s willing to do for him, which isn’t an unreasonable thing to want. Whether it’s unreasonable to expect someone to reciprocate without being asked or whether that constitutes expecting them to be psychic is a matter reasonable people can disagree on.
Also, it depends on how much time people spend watching tv and how much overlap there is between the shows they like…but I know couples that if they both left the room when the other was watching a show they didn’t like, they’d almost never see each other. For those couples, finding an alternate activity in the same room is a really big deal, and if only one of them were doing it, the other partner would pretty much be branded as an asshole. A huge one.
And it appears that in this case if they both left the room while the other watched a stupid, awful show they would spend less time together than the wife is happy with. She has found a way to partly remedy that without inconveniencing the OP, even if twiddling on the laptop isn’t necessarily what she would most like to be doing at that time. He’s not willing to do the same thing, even when she outright asks him to. For an added bonus, he shits on her taste in tv on his way out the door. What would you expect her to think of him?
Sounds to me like she just wants more together time. It doesn’t have to be BB. Or even TV for that matter. Just give her more bonding time. (Assuming you want to. If not, you got problems way beyond BB)
When did she ask him that!? I reread to the OP to make sure I didn’t miss something.
She said “let’s watch Big Brother” then she said “But I watched Wipeout!” Then she said “You are Selfish!”
That does not, except maybe in the minds of some crazy people, carry an obvious subtext of “please sit with me, I enjoy your company, I know you don’t like this show, but I would appreciate it.”
She did not in any way “outright ask him” to spend time with her for her sake.
Nor did he “shit on her taste on the way out.” A person saying they don’t like something you do, is not “shitting on your taste” unless you are aforementioned crazy person. Maybe if he said “I’m not watching that stupid useless crap” you would have a point. But what he did say was “I’m going into another room so I don’t have to watch it.” There is literally not one value statement in that sentence, unless Wife takes his dislike as a personal insult which is… wait for it… crazy.
That’s how it looked to him. To her, it could have looked like they were having a really nice time, snuggled on the couch, and when she just suggested something that wasn’t one of his shows for once, he got up and left: no negotiation, no offer of compromise, just “Fine, do what you like but I’m not going to stick around if it’s not on my list”. I can see that pissing her off and her lashing out.
You seem to see one perfectly reasonable person and one clueless person. I think it’s as likely we have two perfectly reasonable people who are misreading each others’ intentions: he thought she really wanted to watch Big Brother and kinda wanted to spend time with him, when it may have been the opposite: she thought it turned out he was only there for the show and had no interest in staying if he didn’t get to pick, when really he just particularly disliked that one option.
Well, on reflection, what you say is true. I think she was completely unreasonable to lash out. That’s because I always think it is completely unreasonable to lash out. Making accusations is not acceptable, and the person who reached for hurtful words is de facto wrong. If something is bothering you, say so. If you want something, say what it is. Don’t expect psychic powers from your partner. I guess I expect these to be basic relationship skills of anyone over drinking age.
And in my previous post I was contesting the word “explicitly.” She said NOTHING explicitly. One may argue, that she attempted a number of implicit messages. But at no time did she communicate explicitly as alleged by CCL
I don’t think you’re being selfish.
On the other hand, she wants more together time. Propose something to fill the togetherness criteria that’s not related to the tv.
I simply cannot watch MMA fights. Yes, I understand everyone else is mad for it, but I just can’t do it. Ditto extreme, graphic violence in movies. It’s just not for me. Yes, I’m sure my husband wishes we could enjoy it together and he didn’t have to watch them alone. But we just find other things to do together and go our separate ways when it comes to the tv.
He hates old black and white movies and period pieces, whereas I adore them. I get that it’s not his thing and don’t expect him to watch with me. Relationships are about give and take, not keeping score.
I completely agree with you that lashing out is never acceptable, and she owes him an apology for her behavior. But that doesn’t mean they don’t ALSO need to have a Long Boring Conversation about the circumstances that lead up to the lashing out, and in that conversation he needs to be open to the idea that they both could have handled the situation better before it ever got to the point where someone got hurt: lashing out doesn’t make you so much in the wrong that any crappy behavior that lead up to it is somehow sanctified and made ok. I’ve seen couples that do that: the initial person who was jerky pushes the other one into a corner so that then they both end up being the assholes. This makes the initial jerk feel better, but it’s fatal for the relationship.
Furthermore, saying “you’re selfish” isn’t the same as saying “you jerk” or “Fuck off, then” or something like that: it IS identifying what she sees as the problem: “You only care about watching your shows, you’re not willing to compromise like I am”. It’s not well articulated, and it’s something they need to work on (he probably WAS willing to compromise, but didn’t articulate that, either), but calling someone “selfish” isn’t “hurtful”, it’s incomplete.
I not only don’t disagree with your post, I already said all that stuff, in my post 46.
And in my view “you are selfish” is of the category of “accusations of emotional facts” similar to “you’re just like your mother” that almost everyone finds hurtful because it states a global flaw, rather than a poor action. It is distinct from you are being selfish. It is hurtful, and it is incomplete, and it is has the effect of setting up the accuser as more morally correct, as you so aptly notice in your post,
emphasis added.
Hence my suggestion that he get a laptop (or iPad, or NDS, or something) of his own, so that he can entertain himself in the same room, the way she does while he watches COPS.
That makes it even worse. And I’m married to a Twilight fan.