Am I being stubborn?

So friend (hereby known as JJ) convinced me to start going to this informal knitting group she goes to. I began back in November.

Long story short, this particular group isn’t working out for me and I’ve only been going to spend time with JJ.

JJ had her car go to the shop for two months. During those two months, I drove JJ and her friend AA to the class, and AA is out of the way for me. Did I mention she wasn’t my friend, just a friend-of-a-friend? I also picked JJ up from work a couple of times and drove whenever we hung out. One evening during knitting I used up almost a quarter of a tank of gas because we had to backtrack for AA.

Now JJ has her car back. I asked her if she’d pick me up, I’m technically backtracking for her, but less out of the way than AA. JJ said no, because she didn’t want to go back for me. She suggested I meet her where I used to pick her up and then follow her.

Am I being a douche for expecting my friend to, you know, pay me back a bit?

My basic thought is that she is not returning the favor. But then, I suppose you have a car so it’s not *quite *the same thing.

However, she doesn’t seem to be extending any sort of olive branch in making things easier for you now that she has a car.

Are you still obligated to pick up AA?

You mention the group isn’t working out. Is it not a good fit personality wise or is ‘knitting group’ just not a good fit for you?

In all honest, if the group is not working out for you, I would just stop going if your friend isn’t really making an effort to accommodate you.

No, I don’t think you’re being stubborn. I go to a knit group on a semi-regular basis and depending who is hosting the location changes so a friend and I (who live fairly close to each other) carpool. We usually meet at her work, and then switch off who drives from there. I don’t think it’s being stubborn to ask for a ride every now and then when you’ve done the same for them.

There may be another reason behind it, perhaps after fixing her car she is broke and doesn’t want to spend more on gas than she has to? Who knows.

However…if she’s suggesting meeting somewhere and then you following her, why not just carpool from there?

A little payback would be nice. But at this point, if the group isn’t working out for you, I think it’s OK to just bow out if you want. If you want to keep going, choose to drive yourself and not worry about the driving.

Why follow her? If picking you up would mean backtracking for her, why don’t you drive to her place and then she can drive both of you the rest of the way? That way she’s paying you back (saving you gas) and not going out of her way.

Are you asking for a long-term ride, or just the one time? If it was just one time, she should do it, no questions asked, after you drove her (and her friend) for two months. If you want her to drive you to every meeting now when you have your own car, that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Trying to arrange some kind of carpool with her makes sense, though, but if she wants you to follow her, there’s no point to that.

It sounds like in a way you are saddling JJ with AA’s debt.

At the start of the carpool arrangement, you should have insisted that AA meet up with you at JJ’s pickup point and/or contribute gas money. It sucks that you were stuck with most of the driving and now it’s inconvenient for JJ to return the favor (fully), but that’s how it goes. I’d take her up on the offer to meet at her place and ride with her from there…I’m guessing you didn’t mean follow, since that wouldn’t make sense for a carpool.

Did you tell her you expected to be paid back? Did you ask for help with the gas money or did she offer to help you?
If you wanted to be paid back, that should have been included in the negotiations at the start. If you wanted to help a friend, mission accomplished. It’s over and done.
Love is given freely with no regard for reciprocity.
What you really want to know is whether or not she is your friend. Wait and see. You will see her true colors if you back off.

She’s a douche but she doesn’t necessarily owe you anything. I think this is one of those cases where instead of getting payback you’re seeing her true colors. Like someone you give a great birthday gift to but who doesn’t get you one in return (or is too poor to, as may be the case with your friend) – you’re not really allowed to be mad, but you can take their actions into account and see how you want to proceed with your friendship.

Did she know you were only going to the class to spend time with her? Even if she did, you can’t make that decision and then hold it over her. Frankly, AA sounds like a bit of a jerk for not pitching in for gas money.

You’re just a friend of a friend to her. Maybe she’d pick up her friends, but not really a FoF, just because you happen to extend that kindness to FoF’s doesn’t mean she’s obligated to change her own ways to support you out. Basically, you were kinder than the average person because you did it just because of the way you are, and she’s not really the same.
So you can accept it and remember that, or you can try to walk the douchy line by pointing out that you’re not really that kind in real life, but that you just did it because you expect such things in return. Thus, making you human and totally average.

So You’re not quite a Douche, but probably just an average person, and probably not one of the rare super-kind ones that just does things for other people randomly.

I don’t think it’s really even a “owe” or “favor” situation. When I had a car, friends would need rides to places and if I could I was happy to do it, and when I’ve needed a ride somewhere someone has always taken me. It’s called “friendship.” I don’t feel that she “owes” you anything, but OTOH, frankly she sounds like kind of a bitch.

I never specified, we were talking quickly over txt.

She said the area wasn’t safe for leaving a car for a few hours at night. She tends to exaggerate on stuff like that, but at that point I was just frustrated.

I told her last time that I was not having much fun and just wanting to hang out with her.

This saddens me, seeing as we’ve been friends for 8 years and she’s known this girl for…what…3 at most? And they’re really just knitting friends, not friends all the time like we are.

It bothers me mostly because she won’t inconvenience herself for me, when I’ve spent a long time bending over backwards to accommodate all my friends. Today I just had to put my foot down and say that I didn’t feel like driving to something that I wasn’t having much fun at. It’s like she never even thought ‘oh, she went out of her way for me several times, I can go out of my way for her this time’.

Well, it sounds like that’s the kind of friend she is, and your best bet is to adjust your expectations to continue your friendship with her. Don’t do more for her than you’re willing to happily do, and don’t expect reciprocity from her.

Texting is a really inefficient way of communicating, especially over something that someone is a bit upset about. You lose all the nonverbal cues about how people are feeling.

If you’re really not enjoying the knitting group, don’t go. It sounds like you meet up with your friend at other times, so it’s not like you won’t get to see her at all if you don’t go to the group.


And if it’s not working out for you, don’t go. Personally, JJ doesn’t sound like much of a friend… friends help each other out. It sounds like you do all the giving and JJ does all the taking. And that’s not fair to you.

Really JJ is not a good enough hand to stay in the pot with a raise and a re-raise in front of you. I think you should fold.

Life gets a lot easier when the things you give your friends are given freely without consideration of payback.

You are not doing a ‘favour’ if you are anticipating a payback, you are just swapping obligations.

She is a bit of a douche for not giving you a lift, but it doesn’t sound like you need one, the way she did, you just want/expect one since she ‘owes’ you.

Resentment is almost always the result of not getting what we think we are due for our ‘contribution’.

I want the people who do me favours to do so freely not out of some sense of creating my obligation to them. Reciprocally, when I do things for my friends I do not expect anything in return, that’s kind of what makes it a gift.

Yes, you are being both stubborn and resentful. Your friend accepted your ‘gift’ without realizing you were keeping score and that she now ‘owes’ you.

I think you’re a better person than this incident would indicate.