It’s probably partially my fault. But he also has some real thing he needs to work on. We were planning (and by planning I’ll say we’ve only been chatting about it for a week) of doing a gruelling hike on the West Coast Trail. As I learned more information about the requirements for this trip, I’ve sort of fallen on the side of not wanting to make a large commitment. One is because I’m not sure of myself, and the other is because I have some minor back pain. We we’re planning to go on the trip in August.
I called him with my concerns because I wanted to get these issues out of the way quickly. He was quite angry and was dissapointed in me. It's true I bailed on him a couple of times before (these were visits I was planning to make that didn't work out. One because of poor driving conditions, and another just due to life becoming busy). He thinks I have a poor record with commitment and is really quite angry about it. However lots of other accusations came out in the conversation. He said when I was in my relationship I only called him when my ex was away (which is not true. We had him over for supper more than once, and I even chatted with him on the phone when my ex and I we're just relaxing on the phone). He just went through a major break up with his Fiancee, and I called everyday to check up on him. He lives about eight hours away so it's hard to make time for a trip. He came here and I made sure to visit with him. He says he listens to me, but that I only sometimes return the favor. I really don't think that is true.
So I'm not sure whether to feel like a heel or not. Maybe our friendship is coming to an end. It might be for the best. We're quite different people in a lot of ways. I tried my best to not stoke the fires. I understand I'm flawed and I've learned alot this year. I hope he can learn to understand that life isn't always set exactly in stone. I also thought that as my friend he might be able to understand where I'm coming from. I'm not perfect, and neither is he. I was tempted to tell him he made a commitment to marry someone which didn't work out. Again, no plans or schedules were adjusted. He's the only friend I have that has ever come down on me like this. Honestly, I'm kind of glad this happened. It might clear the air.
I never maintain long-distance friendships. It’s just too much work (and often drama). I moved on after high school and college. When I change jobs in the next month here, I’m going to move on again. I can’t even say it’s sad, it’s just life. It’s impossible to maintain a good friendship with someone that far away (unless there’s an understanding that it’s going to be a phone/skype/chat-only friendship).
That said, you do sound pretty flaky. Given the upheaval in his life lately, he was probably counting on this meetup more than he otherwise would. His upset is absolutely justifiable from *his *point of view. However, if you don’t think it’s justifiable, and view his dressing-down of you as a dealbreaker for the friendship, then you have two options: 1) tell him straight-up you don’t want to be friends anymore, or 2) just stop returning his calls and emails. He’ll get the hint. It might sound a little cold, but I’ve dropped friendships for far less than this–due to distance alone, quite frequently. One of the joys of adulthood is that you don’t *have *to be friends with anybody, for any reason, if you don’t want to.
Don’t throw this in his face, that’s a one-way ticket to the Asshole Hall of Fame.
I can’t think that I’d say such a hurtful thing to someone I wanted to keep as a friend, sounds like you have a foot out the door already.
Maybe he’s the only friend to come down on you like this, perhaps the others just gradually divested themselves of you when you either got flaky w/ plans one too many times or only called when you wanted something often enough that it became a pattern.
I don’t see how this would equate to a deal-breaker. So you broke a commitment and got into an argument. If you can get past it, you should be able to strengthen the bond. Admit your mistakes, apologize, and try again. I wouldn’t give up on a solid friendship over something so trivial.
With that being said, long distance relationships are quite difficult. I really only have one friend who has moved away that I talk to on a consistent basis. The others I just don’t make the effort. However, when I do get to see them, it’s usually like we pick up where we left off.
“I always knew I would look back on the times we used to cry and laugh, but I never thought I would look back on the times we used to laugh and cry.” - Emerson
If you’ve visited him plenty of times and just bailed out twice, I agree that it is unfair to call you a flake. But if you’ve only visited once twice and you’ve bailed twice, then I can see how you might come across as undependable.
He wants to do shit to take his mind elsewhere and you have flaked out again which you are wont to do.
Honestly if you are a flaky, causal or or otherwise not that into it friend and he needs a rock right now it’s best you part ways. There’s no blame here it’s just he and you are on different paths.
One thing I have learned as I have gotten older is that general flakiness is about the least admirable trait in a person yet many, if not most, people do it to other people. I give people exactly one pass before I cut them off for good and you are already over that limit in this situation so he is being generous. That cuts out a whole lot of people who seem to be otherwise decent people but it also eliminates people that will let you down over and over again and simply aren’t worth it because they aren’t dependable. I tell people that up front and I stick by it and I never do that to other people even if I end up being the only one that goes.
You sound more than a little flaky to me as well. I think you should man up and just go no matter what because you said you would. Everyone has excuses. You may not want to be friends with him after that but, then again, you may have the time of your life. Don’t get in the habit of being a flake. Follow through with your word and everyone will respect you more and you will even respect yourself a whole lot more for it. It is always easier to give excuses why a given plan isn’t ideal for you. Real adults do it anyway and make the best of it and it usually pays out huge rewards simply because you break out of your comfort zone and you can be proud when you look in the mirror.
Not sure of the REAL details and I DO like ole Quasi…but let me say this. When I was younger I knew so many friends that wanted to do this or that next Saturday (and it was the kinda stuff you didn’t really wanna do alone) and would bale at the last possible moment ruining my Sat that I started joking that I would start taking non-refundable deposits.
I agree with most everything people here have said. I don’t know what to say other than that while I have broken some commitments I’ve met many others. Not an excuse I know. I guess you live and learn and I’ll try to be better about it. I’ve kept all my work commitments. I have a harder time in my personal relationships.
Also…I want to say again that we had only been chatting about this for a week, and no plans were set in stone. No harm was done except for my image. I called him once I did more research and realized it was not for me. I guess I should try my best to just keep my mouth shut on these things.
This is why we have internal dialogue. It’s perfectly fine to want or even look into trips, buying something, selling this other thing, hosting these people, being hosted by these other people, etc. But it’s another to propose them aloud to someone who’ll want to be involved. These are all things I’ve had people commit to do w/ me (some were their own idea) but then back out of leaving me w/ a half-formed (or paid for) plan. It’s better to tell someone who asks, “I’ll have to think about it, I hope that’s okay w/ you.” than to agree to something and then disappoint them. Like it or not we all keep track of how we’re treated and by whom; that’s human nature.
If you don’t want to do hiking, tell him that. But if you’re really interested in keeping him as a friend (and it’s not clear to me that you really are), I suggest offering to do something else with him and promising yourself that you follow through. That way, it’s clear to him that your back isn’t just a lame excuse to get out of visiting him.
It sounds like he might be extra sensitive right now. Try to emphathize with his feelings a little bit. Throwing out the barb about his broken engagement would have been low blow, especially since you might not know the full story about how it ended.
Don’t kiss his butt, tho. He accused you unfairly, and highlighted some of your past failings. That has jerk written all over it. You were only in the semi-planning stage, and he ran all over the place with it, and he’s blaming you. He could be precipitating some sort of crisis, tho, to shake you off.
I have lost and gained plenty of friends over the years. One sulky cry-baby less has always been an advantage, to me.
That is a good idea. I am not believing the back thing either. What person over 30 doesn’t have some “minor back pain”? Come with a similar alternate or just go as you said. Chatting back and forth for a week is definite commitment in my mind. I can tell you what the problem is. You don’t want to go because you have gotten too comfortable in your zone. That isn’t good and you need to break out of it. You are young enough to take advantage of such opportunities and far too young to be giving physical complaint reasons why you can’t do anything at all. Sign up for an AARP bus tour if that is going to be your game from here on out. Either way, just make a decision and follow through with it and make yourself do it.
**We were planning (and by planning I’ll say we’ve only been chatting about it for a week) of doing a gruelling hike on the West Coast Trail. As I learned more information about the requirements for this trip, I’ve sort of fallen on the side of not wanting to make a large commitment. **
You and I have very different ideas about what a plan is. Buddy of mine and I did a grueling hike on the west coast. The conversation started with, "lets check into it, see what we need to do and how much training is required, then lets make a decision. That a different animal then what you described. Might be he took the talk as your commitment and backing out a week later as a flake move. I can see his point if that is the case.
and agree with the other poster. You’ll make the Asshole Hall of Fame if you bring up his failed marriage as a lack of commitment.
I bet the backing off completely was what set him off. If your heart really had been into the idea, you’d have tried to negotiate something. You would have asked if ya’ll could scale things back to something less than “grueling”. Suddenly not wanting to do it at all does come across as kind of lame.