Mr. Cookie, once again, has a nighttime Holiday Party this year with everyone from the office at a hip, cool place. Spouses are not invited. Mr. Cookie is not going because I’m not invited, but I definitely get the sense that his not attending is to appease me, not because he really thinks he shouldn’t go.
As it turns out, we may have other plans on the night of this party, and he said that the other plans would give him a built-in excuse not to go to the aforementioned gala. This is where it gets a bit dicey. I don’t really understand why he needs another excuse and why “because my wife isn’t invited” is not a sufficient reason for him not to go.
I’ve asked him why spouses aren’t invited to this, and he said that the “girls in the office” plan it and that’s just the way it is. Many of the “girls in the office” are married, so I guess they don’t want their spouses there, either. I just think it’s inappropriate to have a nighttime event w/drinks, dancing, etc., and NOT invite spouses. However, it seems I’m really in the minority, here.
His office does stuff on occasion that I think is kinda odd - there was something this summer where everyone (partners included) took off work, and they all went out to an island and waterskiied, boogey-boarded, etc.
For the record, I worked in business for many years and this stuff is new to me and not what I experienced in my business days. We may have had some day parties, but anything at night or on a beach definitely included signficant others.
Am I being unreasonable? I am not set in my ways and am open to thinking about this differently if I am in the minority here as well.
Or is he just saying he doesn’t want to go without you because he knows that’s what you’re thinking?
Never try to understand the logic of how company functions are planned - they never make sense.
IMHO I think it’s a weird reason not to go. He can be his own person and have fun without you. But YMMV, and I know I’m perhaps in the minority on that one.
But really, if he doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t want to go. But if he DOES want to go, and there are no other obligations, why shouldn’t he go?
Usually when someone asks “Am I being unreasonable?” it’s because they are.
Many companies try to engender a strong sense of team identity, and this includes recreational activities as a team. This will frequently mean no spouses, no outsiders. I suspect this is the case at your husband’s company.
This also helps explain why he needs “another excuse.” The exclusion of spouses is not an excuse. In the social sense, anyway. All the other employees are attending without their spouses/SOs, so what makes him different?
If you don’t like this feature of Mr. Cookie’s company culture, then that’s not unreasonable. But expecting him to work there and not try to adapt to it is unreasonable. If you don’t like him adapting to it, then encourage him to find other work.
I must agree with you Snoopyfan, I would relish in the prospect of having an eveing of total self-indulgence on my own! Unless you know the fellow workers fairly well, most work functions are pretty boring for the spouses of the work-mates.
I think that’s a little weird, too. Is it a formal event, with dinner? Yeah, it’s a little strange not to include spouses, IMO. My husband’s former company used to have a huge holiday shindig, at a hotel banquet room; dinner, drinks, dancing - spouses/SOs included.
Maybe the company can’t afford to pay for the extra cost of spouses attending?
If the girls in the office planned it, and are all married, why does Mr. Cookie think they want to attend w/o their spouses?
Maybe it is just the places I have worked, but I have never heard of an evening function that did not include significant others. I would think it was very odd, too.
If NO other spouses are going, then I wouldn’t feel badly about not going. If he really wants to go, my advice is to make plans with one of your friends, go out and have a really great time, and let him have his. Or, stay home and take a bubble bath, as Snoopyfan suggested. It’s really not that big a deal…
…if you trust your husband. I could be wwwwaaaaaaaayyy off here, and I apologize in advance if I am, but the way you mentioned drinking and dancing and “the girls at the office” made me wonder if there’s something else going on here. But hey, what do I know? If there’s someone about which you are suspicious, not necessarily your husband, that would explain your reticence to me.
The company can definitely afford to pay for spouses.
Well, since I think you all are going to knock some sense into me, I’ll try to be really accurate about what bugs me and let you have at it.
It’s the combo of women, alcohol, dancing - people from the office. Do I think that Mr. Cookie’s company holiday party is where he is going to choose to stray from our marriage? No. Do I think (from being in business for 18 years) it’s wise to think that these types of things are completely and will always be harmless fun? No. That may make me a totally untrusting spouse - I’m prepared for you all to say that. I believe I do have some trust issues that are more related to my family than my spouse.
I dunno. I’m relatively new at the marriage thing (two years) and believe that Mr. Cookie is more than worthy of my trust. Yet, I can’t seem to be completely cool with this.
From what you wrote, it sounds like you feel that it’s insulting and wrong for his office to have an evening social event without spouses and you want your husband to not just boycott the party, but also to feel the same way about it.
If that is the case, I think you’re being unreasonable. If your husband is willing to stay home because you feel slighted at not being invited, then he is doing something for you. It sounds like you are hoping for your feelings to be acknowledged as universally-held truths so that you don’t have to feel guilty about not letting him go. But they’re not, so if you want him to stay home, you have to take responsibility for asking him to do that for you, even if he would have gone otherwise.
Personally, I don’t think it’s that big a deal to have a coworkers night out without spouses automatically being invited. If Mrs. Giraffe had an evening social event that I wasn’t invited to, work or otherwise, it wouldn’t bother me a whit.
I never understood the logic of inviting spouses / SOs to company parties. All the outsiders don’t know a soul, so 50%-ish of the party-goers are very uncomfortable. And having my spouse hanging on me for moral support in a sea of strangers she’s never met doesn’t improve her evening or mine.
So let him go. If you’re making him uncomfortable about going, then examine why you’re doing that. Do you think he’s gonna sneak off with one of the cuties? If so, I’ve got news for you: his opportunities to do that & remain undetected are greater on an ordinary workday than at a group event. So if he’s of a mind to cheat, the party’s not your main concern.
And if he’s not of a mind to cheat, but you suspect him anyway, well that’s a problem. A BIG problem.
OTOH, if he’s got a habit of chasing (& catching cuties), well that’s another matter. You’re well within your rights to be annoyed up through outraged depending on your attitude.
But again don’t think that stopping his attending the party is changing anything. That’s just jamming the windvane to try to change the wind. Not gonna happen.
My wife is more important to me than my job. If I’m going to get flak if I take my wife to a party with me, then don’t expect me to show up for the party.
If, on the other hand, nobody minds if I bring my wife, I may come, with or without my wife, depending on circumstance.
…and if my job routinely makes a point of saying, “We’re going to party down, go surfin’, go have fun, but don’t bring your spouses,” then I may need to reassess precisely why I’m working for these people.
I mean, a job that wants you to have fun and to like working for them is great… but what’s the deal with the spouses?
I expect my wife to stick with me through thick and thin, richer and poorer, sickness and health, till death do us part, and all that. I expect to be the most important man in her life, and consulted on all mutual decisions. I expect to be The Man in the household.
I’d like my job to view me the same way, but rotsa ruck, charlie…
(…and it should go without sayin’ that my wife has the same right I do to the aforementioned spousal expectations…)
But it’s nice to be invited.
If spouses and SOs were invited, and SatonCookie said, “You know, thanks, but I won’t know anyone but you, honey. You go and have fun” it would be one thing.
The fact that it’s sort of presented as, “Hey, drinks, dancing, food, fun, but NO SPOUSES!” seems a little off-putting to me.
Kinda like “we’re-gonna-have-fun-and-you-can’t-come”.
Maybe you just want to feel that you are just as important in Mr. Cookie’s life as his job is. Do you and he only get to spend time together for a few hours every evening between work and bed? If so, maybe you’re just not happy with the “work time” cutting into the “couple time” and that he’s being forced to choose between spending time with co-workers and spending time with you?
Can I just point out that I loathe work-related parties? My co-workers are not my buddies, and I damn sure don’t want to hang out with my boss unless I’m being paid for it. You want to do soemthing nice for me at Christmas? Take the money you’d spend on a party and give me a bonus check.
Ahem. Now that I’ve vented, I’ll say that I also think it’s wierd that spouses aren’t invited. If it’s truly a social event, then social custom dictates that spouses/partners be evented. You wouldn’t throw a party at your house, invite Susan, and then tell her “leave that loser husband of yours at home,” now would you?
