Um, “invited,” not “evented.” Sorry.
Argggghhh, burundi, you’ve invented a new CorpSpeak[sup]TM[/sup] transitive verb!
“We’re thinking about eventing Secretary’s Day this year. What do you think, Bob? Luncheon, or cocktail party?”
“Oh, Susie’s Catering? They evented Josie’s retirement party! The finger sandwiches were delicious, and the decorations were great!”
“Jim, I’m tasking you with eventing the visitors from Buffalo.”
Shhh, keep it down! Maybe The Man won’t pick up on it! Damn my unwitting typos!
It sounds awfully weird to me too. I’ve never heard of a company that had a Christmas company event that exluded spouses. Unless they’re just stunningly cheap.
As to whether you’re being unreasonable? I second the “bubblebath” suggestion.
I just wanted to chime in to say that I divorced my ex-wife becuase I couldn’t get her to understand exactly what LSLGuy is saying.
My ex-never trusted me from day one and I never gave her a reason not to. So basically what I’m saying is “Loosen the leash hon.”
I also think it’s weird. Like burundi said, custom dictates that spouses/so’s be invited to social gatherings. Especially evening parties.
Granted, I loathe the things and if my non-existant S.O invited me to one I’d sooner gnaw off my own ankle to escape, but like others have said, it’s nice to at least be invited.
Well, if everyone wants to ignore the fact that some perfectly wonderful husbands with the best of intentions, when put in a situation where there is alcohol and close body contact won’t at least think about straying, etc. then go ahead. But that is a very naive point of view. Married men/women don’t belong in those circumstances and that is the bottom line. And any company that allows or condones that is one I wouldn’t want to work for. Our society is having enough trouble keeping families together and there are enough broken hearts and bereft children out there to attest to this fact. There are no rules anymore. But I think there should be. Men often attack women as being jealous and unreasonable so they can engage in borderline behavior. Take a look at some countries where the women are not on an equal footing with men. Infidelity is condoned with mistresses or multiple wives. It unfortunately seems to be the nature of the male animal if he is not constrained by societal rules OR his own personal integrity. You and your husband should have an honest talk with each other and set down rules and then this won’t be an issue. And it’s okay to be jealous when there are predatory women and booze in the picture. I wonder what the response would be if a man posted asking advice about his wife going to a company party that the men planned and that no husbands were invited? They have no business excluding spouses. I think it’s divisive and uncalled for. You have every right to feel the way you do.
My response to my wife would be: “OK babe, see ya. I’ll be hanging with the boys”
Yes, I agree and just about any man who says he doesn’t is probably lying. However there is a BIG difference between thinking and doing .
Frankly, I find it quite patronizing that you think men are so weak that we can not resist our lustfull desires with out having to seclude us from situations as in the OP.
Very pretentious.
BTW a little harmless flirting outside the marriage is a healthy thing in my opinion. At the risk of sounding trite: Its called MARRIED not dead.
In most other countries/cultures that I worked in it was unheard of to invite spouses to the nighttime parties. Sometimes I didn’t even know who was married, involved or what not because it was none of my business (personal is personal, work is work). And often attendance was not (truly) optional.
Anyway, that’s other places, I guess that you are American. Maybe some of the spouses/partners are annoying and it was easier just not to invite any of them?
Vote me with the ones who think it strange. If it were an office-party (as, in taking place in the office immediately after the workday is over) that would be one thing. But to have a full scale away-from-the-office party at a “hip, fun place” and not invite Significant Others is just weird. Rude, too. Married or engaged couples are always invited together to social events, and nowadays that designator has been extended to couples living together as well.
That said, I would encourage my husband to go anyway, if he wanted to. Maybe in the past, so few significant others have chosen to come (many prefer to stay away from work parties) that the powers that be have just gotten out of the habit of asking them. Next year why not encourage your husband to do a little checking around to see if you’re the only spouse who’d like to be included. Maybe he could circulate a petition around September (before plans for next year’s party are underway) saying: “I would like to have significant others included at the Holiday Party this year. If you agree, sign here:” If he gets enough names that ought to settle it. And, if he doesn’t, well, that ought to settle it too.
Ok. I’ve thought a little more about this. I think suezeekay said what I’m thinking or concerned about. The problem is that it seems like once I acknowledge that, I turn into someone who doesn’t trust my spouse, and I honestly feel like I do trust him.
His job requires him to be out of town on occasion but also to go to a lot of town meetings which are often at night. Part of my thinking is that the company and his cow-workers have a lot of his time, both day and night, simply through the nature of his job. I don’t see why they need to have another night and throw in alcohol and dancing, etc.
Also, I want to be clear that we’re not in an argument about this and he is more on “my side” than not. As he put it, he’s not too jazzed about the circumstances of the party, either, and he’s not going.
The issue for me is that while he’s mostly on my side, I think that he simply doesn’t like the fact that I’m the least bit uncomfortable with him going because that implies to him that I don’t trust him and it’s impossible for me not to recognize that he has a valid point. From my point of view, I think that there are situations that can start off really innocently and turn into something not so innocent. I think traveling with coworkers, spending so much time with coworkers, etc. isn’t the greatest of situations but many folks keep the line drawn. Setting up additional situations in a social atmosphere is not a good recipie, IMO.
Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that he doesn’t believe it’s a bad recipie and probably the only way for us to get to the bottom of it is for me to just bow out of stuff like this. I really believe that part of his annoyance is not only that he sees it as a lack of trust for him, but also that I’m somehow implying that these saintly women he works with would ever seriously come on to him.
So, the way I look at it, I should trust his judgment with this and just encourage him to go to these things if that’s what he wants to do. If any one of the saints ever do come on to him, I think he would have a different perspective. I think that’s something that he just needs to experience (or not) first hand and draw his own conclusions.
There are clearly three issues here:
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Is it appropriate for a company to have night-time events with opposite sex, dancing and booze with no spouses?
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Is it okay for a spouse to feel a little / a lot funny about not being invited?
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Should the working spouse, if they choose not to go, say “because you didn’t invite my spouse” rather than “wimp out” by falling back on a different excuse?
With those issues identified, here is my humble opinion:
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No - it is not appropriate. By definition, a company event in the evening should involve spouses - giving the couple the ability to decide if they want to both come or not. The only exceptions that come readily to mind are: 1) quick drinks after work; 2) an event to celebrate a team accomplishment - which is typically a dinner and does not involve dancing; or 3) a working event, where people are off the clock and may drink beer or something, but work is still happening. That’s it. Any other event that might involve dancing, bathing suits, whatever - it is completely inappropriate to bar spouses. As the former executive of a large corporation, I can tell you it would simply not be allowed - too many issues. It feels like one of those “dot-com innovations - we know of a new way” that doesn’t really work, like bringing dogs to work or something - it may have a basis in something reasonable, but can’t work in execution.
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Yes - the uninvited spouse should feel funny - whether there is a relationship-based issue as part of that is their business. That is not really the issue - the company not inviting the spouses to an event like that is simply inappropriate and that is enough to feel funny about it. Again, it should be the couple’s decision as to who goes - if the spouse wants a free evening, that should be their call, not the company’s.
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Again, given the inappropriate nature of the event, the working spouse should explicitly state “I am not coming because my spouse is not invited - and I find this type of event to be inappropriate” and leave it at that.
I guess I am a little surprised that this doesn’t appear to be a black/white issue to all Dopers - again, whether a spouse likes or doesn’t like these events and chooses not to go is a personal issue, but the basic concept of “should spouses be invited” seems an obvious no-brainer to me. Just look at this thread - the whole reason Sat on Cookie posted it is due to this inappropriate situation. If spouses were invited, then they could avoid this weird undercurrent and second-guessing. I would NOT appreciate being put in this position by a company, regardless of how secure I felt in my relationship.
I am just seeing Shibb’s post (hey Shibb!), and yes, in other cultures, it is considered inappropriate to mix. But this is America (I assume SoC) - we don’t typically go to bars and drink sake until we pass out drunk - which I have heard happens with some frequency in Japan. We have also phased out the 3 martini lunch and going to strip clubs as an acceptable business trip, too (although I know some who still do). Women in America are an integrated part of the work force and we have adjusted our work social behaviors as a result - many other cultures have not done that yet. Again, I remain surprised that this situation is an issue.
Sat On, let me say this as someone who plans functions such as this for my workplace. If it were a day event that involved a luncheon, even drinks (such as our upcoming holiday party), then spouses wouldn’t be invited. If it were a day event that involved going to a beach somewhere and surfing and such, spouses WOULD be invited. A dinner party with drinking, dancing, etc., spouses would be invited.
In our (my group’s) view, there are appropriate activities for coworkers, and there are appropriate activities for coworkers and their spouses. When an event goes beyond workplace boundaries and what’s considered acceptable as far as “business”, spouses are invited. Personally, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
Shoot. Upon preview, just read what WordMan said. He said it better than I did.
The way you wrote this implies that should a woman from his office come on to him, he would be helplessly in their thrall. Women at the office are not seduction machines, and men are not penis-driven automatons. Assuming there are no prior issues in this regard, “trust” means accepting that he will behave appropriately should an uncomfortable situation arise.
Maybe he doesn’t need to draw any new conclusions, because he already knows what he would say: “No thanks, I’m married.”
BTW, I don’t think this kind of party/outing is at all unusual in the High-Tech industry… what line of work is your husband in? Is his a “young” company with many employees under 35?
What I mean with that is that as it stands now, he is insulted that I would have a problem not only because it implies a lack of trust with him, but a lack of trust with the women that works with. I have no way of knowing their character - I don’t know them or work with them. However, I think if one of them were to seriously come on to him, he would seriously question their character and probably re-think his company-holier-than-thou stance with me.
I don’t think that he needs to draw new conclusions with regard to what he would do, I think he may need to draw new conclusions when it comes to defending the practice of not having spouses at this type of stuff. Or not.
I guess one of my main points is that spouses (myself included) live day to day and say things like, “no thanks, I’m married.” Happened to me just yesterday. That’s life. What I don’t get is creating another situation with an already close-knit group (let’s face it, people probably spend more time at work than they do with a significant other on a day-to-day basis) that invites booze, dancing, and excludes spouses.
No, it’s not a “young” company and it’s not in the hi-tech industry.
This is the Holiday Party - the big deal itself - night, cool place. It is very rude that spouses aren’t invited. This is not just a work event; it is a social event. You always include the spouse or significant other in social events. The women planning this are wrong and I would be insulted. I would also complain, but that’s just me. 
Hubby has stuff with his office a lot; I’m not invited and that’s fine. But it’s not the Big Yearly Party[sup]tm[/sup]. Then it’s expected to bring spouses. My office’s Big Yearly Party[sup]tm[/sup] is a catered luncheon, where spouses CAN come but aren’t encouraged (spouses pay extra). But I don’t even go to that so…
I don’t see this as not trusting your husband. You don’t trust the situation. If the tables were turned, and it was your office’s Big Yearly Party[sup]tm[/sup] and spouses weren’t invited, would you go? Would you feel insulted that they hadn’t invited your husband?
It is very common for companies to host events where spouses/partners are not invited. It is usually for the co-workers to hang out together on a more social level and interact than have all of the sig. others there. It gets expensive too. Sounds like you are possibly envious of this? I do think you are being a bit unreasonable, IMHO, to prohibit your hubby from doing things simply because you are not invited. I would actually welcome the free evening to do whatever you want! 
I feel comfortable saying that I don’t think it’s an envy thing. I think you have an interesting point in that I’m sure there are some companies where the employees don’t hang out on a social level and it’s a nice change. However, in this circumstance, I think all involved hang out adequately on a social level meaning that they go to lunch together, travel together, etc.
I’m probably in the minority, but I don’t think it’s rude/wrong/whatever to invite someone without their spouse/SO to any social event. (I do think it’s rude for people to assume that their spouse/SO is invited, but that’s another issue entirely.) If I know one half of a couple much better than the other or just want to see them without their spouse for a change, I don’t think it necessarily indicates anything that the spouse/SO should worry about. When it comes to a company function it makes even more sense to me to exclude spouses/SOs because it’s a bit pointless for them to be there when they won’t know anyone very well.
Are you being unreasonable? I think so and wouldn’t be happy with my SO feeling the way that you do. It wouldn’t just be the lack of trust that I would object to, it would be the implication that I wasn’t allowed my own life and friends apart from my SO. But, I’d agree with what someone else said earlier, that what’s unreasonable isn’t so much your feeling this way as your seemingly insisting that he not only miss the party (which he seems to be happy to do) but that he feel exactly the same way that you do and make an issue of it. I’d be very uncomfortable with my SO being unable to deal with my feeling differently about an issue like this especially when I’d agreed to go along with their feelings about it.
I don’t think it’s such an odd thing. Our office has parties both with and without spouses. I also don’t think that just because there’s drinking and dancing that it’s a suspicious thing.
Frankly, I can’t imagine being married to someone that I wouldn’t trust to leave if the party was inappropriate. Then again, I’m not married, and I’m not likely to be. My parents have been married for 36 years, though, and I know my Mom feels this way about Dad.
Then again, it is a bit odd not to invite spouses to an evening event where there will be dancing. But I just consider it odd, not suspicious.