Something that took me a while to realise - banal chit chat actually has a purpose. You and the other person are quietly looking for areas of commonality to get into a real conversation.
So you start off really general, say a comment about the weather.
‘Wow, it was lovely and sunny last weekend, wasn’t it?’
Then the other person can say,
‘Yes, I spent the day at the lake, it was great.’
Then you can say,
‘At the lake? Do you have a boat?’ because you are interested in boats.
Or you can say,
‘I spent the morning at the park with my dog’ because you’re really not interested in boats but maybe the other person is interested in dogs.
‘Oh, you have a dog? What breed? I have a spaniel.’
I’m going to start with the last part first, because I think it’s the most important…
There seems to be a perception on your part, and in society in general, that introversion is a bad thing, unusual, or odd or whatever. It’s not. As far as I can tell, extroverts are somewhat more common, but not a whole lot more. Admittedly, extreme introversion (or extroversion for that matter) can make life difficult and introduce problems, but there are not right or wrong reasons to be an introvert.
Speaking for myself, I’m a strong introvert. Like you, I have a great deal of respect and empathy for people, but in general, given a choice, I prefer my alone time. I can even enjoy interacting with people, but I tend to prefer smaller groups. The one big thing about spending time with people for me though, is that it quickly drains my energy. I’m fairly talkative with my coworkers, though I know them well and we share common interests, but by the time I get home I’m often thoroughly exhausted and looking forward to having time to myself.
And the reason I think this is important to talk about is because for a long time I had this impression that extroversion was somehow better, and my very extroverted dad was pushing me and my siblings to be extroverted, and he even had me convinced for a while that I was. I thought I needed to be around people and do a lot of interaction, and it made me unhappy. Once I realized that one isn’t objectively better than the other, and that I was an introvert and stopped trying to force myself to fit into a mold that didn’t fit me, I was happier.
I’m a computer scientist myself. I also thoroughly enjoy a lot of other heady fields like math, physics, philosophy, etc. My biggest hobbies include solo activities like music, gym, movies, games, learning, or whatever. When I do socialize, I tend to use my interests as a way of connecting with other people. That is, it’s not “hey, let’s go out and drink” it’s “let’s sit around and discuss a recent scientific discovery”.
One thing I have learned, though, is that even if these are generally solo activities, it’s still important to get some, even if it’s just a little, connection with other people on these ideas. As an introvert, I can sometimes get lost in my own world thinking about some of these ideas, and bouncing them off other people helps me stay grounded, particularly that these ideas make sense to someone else.
So, all in all, this sounds fairly typical of an introvert, particularly if you’re also a strong Thinking type over Feeling.
This, quite frankly, really has nothing to do with introversion. Social anxiety probably is more common among introverts, but it doesn’t necessarily go hand in hand. Like I mentioned above, I like talking to people, it just exhausts me. At the same time, I have friends/acquaintances that are equally strong extroverts, but have social anxiety issues, such that they put themselves out there because they need to interact, but often present an insincere version of themselves for fear of being disliked, or may take what they perceive as a weakness and run with it in a self-deprecating fashion.
One thing that has helped me with that, was realizing that, in general, a lot of our fears about what other people think about us are ungrounded. How much time do you spend thinking about how that random guy you saw in the restraunt looked or talked or acted? Probably very little, likely not at all. Chances are, that same guy thought about you just as much. And even if he does think about you more than that, so what? He’ll forget about it quickly, and has no impact on your life anyway.
That is, there just isn’t anything to lose. That’s not to say that you HAVE to intereact, only that if you feel the desire to interact, you shouldn’t let that fear of how others may perceive you compel you not to. Unfortunately, that fear can still be paralyzing, and the only way I know to overcome it is by force of will. Of course, in my case, I felt compelled to interact because of my own misperception that I needed to interact, but after forcing myself to do it, I realized it just wasn’t that bad. Of course, I was still exhausted afterward, but I really couldn’t care less what a stranger thinks. I may still end up just sitting in the corner if I have a social obligation to attend a party, or if I have the energy I may interact some, but it’s simply because of how much interaction I feel like having, not because I’m afraid.
And that’s where it get difficult for a lot of introverts. Either a) we spent the weekend reading and didn’t notice what it was like outside, or b) we want to skip the sniffing around and cue-reading and just jump into The Big Issues. But you can’t do that, society gets all upset if you don’t talk about the labradoodle first.
I quite like a lot of people, but I don’t enjoy long days doing stuff with lots of other people around. A day at the mall and dinner at a busy restaurant will have me running for Ativan, because I just get overwhelmed by all those people. (Holidays are also difficult because there is just too much going on, and even when people are being “understanding”, I really just get to the point that I want them to go away. Christmas in particular goes on too damned long.)
But if it’s just 2 people going for a walk in the woods, or for a trail ride, that’s fine. I can take a camera off to Walden pond alone or with someone who also enjoys photograpy, and be happy for hours.
And being around people at work is enough facetime for a day. I’m normally quite ready to go home and have downtime.
You can’t just jump into the Big Issues with strangers because that would be awkward and uncomfortable, too.
I’m an introvert and if I don’t know you from Adam, I’m sure as hell not going to be comfortable talking to you about things that are important to me without feeling you out first. The initial small-talk is itself awkward, mostly because if you’re a stranger I really have no interest in your life, but it’s very valuable in letting us get a feel for each other. Like dogs sniffing butts. Maybe it’s not that dogs really enjoy sniffing butts, but that there’s no better means at hand at sussing out another dog than just getting through the awkward part.
You know?
Also, goingfortheone, therapy would help you a lot. (I speak from experience – social anxiety used to be a great weight on my back.)
I typed out a lot about the futility of trying to avoid social judgement, but you don’t need a lecture. Instead, have a statement from Franz Kafka:
This is the wrong reason. This is social anxiety and it can be treated. Talk to your doctor.
I assume you’re on medication for your OCD?
I am an introvert, but I am not afraid of what people think of me. Hell, if anything, you should motivate yourself by getting better at saying, “No, I will not engage in banal chitchat with you, for I am thinking about odd and amazing things.” Without worrying about what other people will think.
More shaming. Pop pills & be offa my radar. Or accept that ANYTHING you possibly say or think of is ‘banal chit chat’.
Want to help yourself? Use that phrase as a code word for "ignorant people who want to sell “Sit Down, Shut Up, and Get Me a Sammich” Classic Tees. If they are on TV, stop watching that channel. On Radio? De-program that station. And Here?
Introversion is only “wrong” if you don’t want to be that way. If you are fine with not being the center of attention, you’re not lonely, you’re not inconveniencing anyone, and you are able to do all the things you want to do, then why mess up a good thing by changing yourself?
If social anxiety is making your life difficult, it is fixable. But it’s not the same thing as introversion.
This is again confusing introversion with social anxiety.
Introverts seek out people with common interests the same way extroverts do. Instead of going to noisy, crowded bars to get drunk and engage in (to an introvert) pointless shallow interactions, an introvert might sek out a friend to watch a movie or play a game.
Introverts aren’t unable to engage in small talk, but just might not enjoy the types of small talk that extroverts do.
Saying it’s ‘his nature’, whatever that means, doesn’t remove the huge but often confused distinction between introversion and social anxiety or shyness. An introvert isn’t someone who won’t speak unless it’s necessary to order a meal, or who is afraid to say anything at all for fear of being judged. Those are problems he should work on, or at least accept that they have nothing to do with introversion.
