Here are my main reasons as to why I don’t like socializing too much:
I am fascinated by fields such as computer science and mathematics, and as a result, I constantly think about them even when I’m not doing anything related to them. I think about what I could study next, how I could become a better programmer or mathematician, etc etc etc.
I’m afraid of what people think of me. Nobody can say anything bad about me if I hide myself; that is, I won’t utter a word, and nobody has any basis on which to judge me. If I say something stupid, then they can attack me. Only when I’m forced to talk, such as when I’m ordering something in a restaurant, will I willingly talk.
I think I’m a good person. I try my best to treat everyone with respect, and I have a lot of empathy for people. But on the other hand, I don’t like dealing with people. I know this sounds contradictory.
With your interest in math and computers, I wouldn’t worry about it; if you make enough money it doesn’t really matter if you’re introverted or extroverted - or really what people think of you. Having lots of money is wonderful.
This sounds like a long winded way of saying you’re more interested in ideas than people. If you were lonely I’d suggest you can easily talk about programming and mathematics if you just find the right friends. However, it doesn’t sound like you have any desire to share your interest in those things with people. I’d say that’s entirely fine as long as you’re happy.
This isn’t introversion at all. You’re describing social anxiety and shyness. If it helps encourage you to work on it, I will point out that your theory doesn’t hold water at all. People are judging you all the time. People are thinking you’re a weird guy who never talks unless he’s ordering a hamburger.
On the other hand, they probably don’t really care. Nobody is really interested in judging you - we are all more interested in ourselves and our really close friends. It’s just to the tiny extent people actually spend thinking about you critically, awkwardly standing around not talking is even worse than potentially saying something embarrassing.
Yeah, I was thinking that this isn’t exactly introversion at play here. Bear in mind that I have OCD, and at times I get hung up on what people think of me.
For instance, someday I want to be a researcher, and work towards making the world a better place. But I am sometimes baffled at how many scientists ruin their impression on some people by getting involved in politics, commentary about war, and such things. In other words, I do not want to be too outspoken, or outspoken at all. For me, just working on proving theorems and working on programs would be good enough.
Tell me if I’m not making sense; I’m a bit sick, and so I think I’m rambling.
Furthermore, a lot of scientists back in the day were fighting over who discovered what. And I understand why anyone would get upset over stolen credit. But if I were to discover something that impacts the world in a great and positive way, I would prefer to be anonymous, and in fact, I would prefer to have someone else take the credit. I just don’t like the spotlight. I’d rather someone else get attention.
Number 1 isn’t a problem. But you could socialize with other people who also love those things; people even talk about them at parties. I might roll my eyes when a couple of developers start going on and on, but some other people are fascinated. Different strokes.
Number 2 might be a concern if it keeps you from being able to mix with others. And that’s a fine line. If you can mix with others even though you are anxious, you’re normal. If you can’t, or find yourself avoiding things you should do because you’re worried of what others think, you might consider seeing a therapist to talk about it in more detail.
This is actually pretty easy to overcome, once you realize that most people aren’t thinking about you at all, they’re worried about their own inner monologue and what people think of them.
I’m also an introvert, but I can do a pretty good impression of an extrovert if needed (client convention week. ugh.). But 90% of the time, my idea of fun is a book and some wine, or at most, a friend or two and dinner. I’m not a big party person. It hasn’t held me back and I have some very good friends. I’m happy.
So that’s my suggestion; find what makes you happy. That’s not the same as quieting your inner critic, BTW. But happy.
goingfortheone, why do you frame it as a choice? We don’t choose to be introverted or extroverted. An introvert can develop better coping skills for being forced to interact with people* but we’re never going to be extroverts because our temperament isn’t wired that way.
despite being an introvert I trained people for a living for a number of years and still do some teaching of adults in another position.
You seem to think about things in very black and white terms. The vast majority of people get no public recognition their entire careers, whether they want it or not. And I would speculate that for even most extroverts we prefer it that way. Early in my career I got a lot of press and did interviews and stuff. It was fun but I don’t miss it. I can see how someone with social anxiety would find it terrifying but it has nothing to do with introversion or extraversion.
And on the other hand, you’re talking about not speaking at all unless a waiter is asking you what you’d like to order. There’s a really huge universe between making outspoken public comments professionally and making small talk when you’re having dinner with friends. The fact that they seem like the same thing somehow says a lot about your thinking.
Good question. Growing up, my parents always tried making me more outgoing. They signed me up for all these sports I had no interest in, encouraged me to make new friends and talk more, and other things. I guess I always felt like it was a choice because of that.
I was always told that I think differently than other people. Like, I have crazy ideas of how I’m supposed to live and whatnot.
To illustrate, I recently got over a bout of incredibly low self esteem. I won’t go over the details, but I was pretty delusional about who I was and what I deserved. I’m getting over that right now.
I think my way of thinking is influenced, at least partly, by my severe OCD. I had to defer my university acceptance because I my OCD is too strong for me to be going to school atm.
Out of curiosity, what does my writing tell you all about my thinking?
You haven’t said much, so ordinarily I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions about you, but since you asked here’s my first impression: You seem to have a nearly obsessive interest in yourself. That makes a lot of sense for a person with cripplingly low self-esteem.
You started a thread about yourself and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. On the other hand, I believe you’ve expressed absolutely no interest in other people except to the extent that those people might be thinking about you.
You say you’d like to help the world, yet you’re baffled why anyone would be publicly opposed to war or such things. Why? I get that you think it would ruin people’s impression of you, but having an opinion on issues that effect other humans is very natural.
I know it’s easier said than done, but I predict it would give you a world of good if you could think about yourself about 90% less than you do now. You’re probably not an extrovert and even if you are, you clearly have crippling shyness. So by all means, don’t try to fill that time by surrounding yourself with people. That would be counter productive.
Actually, they can still say ‘That **goingfortheone **never starts a conversation or expresses an opinion on anything. She/he is so dull.’
Unfortunately, you can’t control what other people think of you. The most you can do is influence others opinions of you by what you do (or don’t) say and what you do (or don’t) do. But don’t fool yourself by thinking that being hidden means being unjudged.
So, knowing that, I figure you may as well give people an accurate representation of you, so that they can have an informed opinion rather than having to guess. Personally, if someone’s going to dislike me, I’d rather they do it because I’ve proven what a jerk I am, rather than them assuming I might be.
If you don’t socialize that much because you genuinely don’t care about it - you have other interests and are perfectly happy without other people - then you’re just very introverted. If you don’t socialize that much because you’re paralyzed by fear of what others will think of you, if you lie awake at night mentally flipping through all the embarrassing things you’ve done in public over the years, that’s social anxiety. It sounds like you’ve got a mix of the two going on, but I second (third?) seeing a therapist.
It doesn’t sound like you’re in a happy place right now. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you only talk when ordering food.
A ruined impression over what other people think? I may just be exactly the single worst person to speak to you about this.
So I will.
I’d ask questions about who these people are, or who they think they are, that they should have such sway over you to lock up your mind, your heart, and your soul. I’d ask what or who you were saving this virginity of your POV for.
So many people tell me to go out and do things that its odd for me to tell you to do that.
It won’t stop me though.
No quotes, no books, no references… if I reach for anything, its for a sparsely used spiral binder notebook to swat you once on the backside, but only to say “There’s the World! Its big and bright and beautiful and flawed
and how looking at it in the yellow light of a Fall morning can keep you from expressing yourself I’ll Never know”. (Yes, thats a run-on. You should have heard me Say it!)
The canvass in front of you is blank, Matisse, but it doesn’t have to be. With my compliments, please accept this brush… 1/8 inch with a soft pointed tip… and this palette.
I’ve taken the liberty of adding the colors of History, Current Events, Trends, Religion/Politics, Humor, and Things You Heard Growing Up, but you’ll never need to put anything in the form or a question unless you really want to.
Do or say anything you want… make your mark. Make a conversational landscape of your experiences, like George Inness… or tag a social interaction with your discontent like Tats Cru!
Be as serious as a Rembrandt, as thoughtful as a Vermeer, as sarcastic as a Daryl Cagle, or as ridiculous as a Gary Larson.
Its easy… just gather your thoughts and your issues, craft them with some common sense, sew them together with logic, find the tallest tree in your neighborhood and Strike Your Colors!
Sure, you can leave your canvas blank, but remember: you’re only renting that chair. The semester ends before you know it. (It’ll be someone else’s turn to sit there afterward.)
If I’ve been too passionate, please forgive me. Lets just say that its a part of a conversation which I’ve longed to have for a Very Very long time and that you just happened to ask the right question.
Now, that said, feel free to berate me for never learning website coding, not being published, having 100 unfinished projects, not having employers sail paychecks at me like a mini paper-airplane derby, sleeping 8 hours a day, and having 3/4 of a tree in my back yard that won’t chop into firewood by itself.
HTML and JavaScript are stupid anyway, don’t waste your time.
A (wo)man after my on heart. I’d say your introversion isn’t for the wrong reason(There is no wrong reason) but might not be introversion(I know nothing about you, this is a guess at best). As an introvert I understand your point, but I think it’s worth it to make a conscious effort to socialize even though you might end up mentally kicking yourself for saying/doing something you feel is stupid(as I do, because of my social anxiety). Talking to a therapist never hurts, since what you’re dealing with sounds like social anxiety, but it could be any number of things.
