Am I paranoid to refuse to tutor girls in any location that is not publicly visible?

[don_t_ask]

I coached a kid’s cricket team for a few years. At one point the lone girl in the team did something good and I was about to slap here on the back, as I did with the boys, and suddenly, to my surprise, I thought, “better not.” So that was the end of physical contact beyond high fives with any of the team and I encouraged a player in the under 16 team to become assistant coach, both for his benefit and just in case anything ever got taken the wrong way.

So not paranoid enough most fits with the mood of the times.

[Bricker]

Wow.

Well, I admit the last time I tutored a fifteen year old girl, I wanted something to happen. It didn’t.

But that was over thirty years ago. In an adult / child situation of any kind, prudence is wise. This policy should apply to both genders.

[SciFiSam]

@Palo_Verde

I think it’s paranoid and unnecessary. My kids have received tutoring and no one ever made sure they could be seen.

The harm done is that if it done, and more people think it is expected that children will be tutored in full view, then anyone who just tutors kids in a room will be questioned. What’s up with that pervert who tutors the kid in a classroom?

I hope you don’t and I hope it never becomes the standard.

It is the standard now. Not just for male teachers, but female too.

It wouldn’t have to be a room with glass walls, though - just keep the door open and make sure you’re in full view of it even if the kid’s not. No big deal.

[Freudian_Slit]

@appleciders

In a perfect world, it shouldn’t feel skeevy. What you’re doing is perfectly reasonable. The trouble is the screwballs who take an innocent situation and make it skeevy.

Well, I’m not doing it anymore–long out of high school and the need to take physics/math. (Thank god!)

I think another good reason to tutor both males and females in the same type of location is that not only could a guy accuse the OP, people might think it’s weird that he goes out of his way to be in public with girls. Like…is he trying to bend over backwards because he’s doing something that he shouldn’t with the girls when he’s not in public? (Not saying I think that, just that people might think that.)

[Mr.Excellent]

@Der_Trihs

With something like this it’s hard to be too paranoid. Make sure you are visible, and ideally have a woman nearby and watching you.

Personally, as a man I’d never go into any field involving children. I don’t talk to them, I don’t look at them; I certainly wouldn’t ever dare be alone with one.

Nothing wrong with this, if that’s how you choose to go - but I do think it’s possible for men to have rewarding careers working with children as teachers, coaches, etc. They need to take some extra precautions, as discussed in this thread - but it’s totally doable. And it would be a damn shame if men stopped going into these fields for fear of the issues involved.

[Lust4Life]

Sorry I was lazy and didn’t read through allof the options before I voted that you’re not being paranoid at all instead of you’re not being paranoid enough.

Malicious accusations by childrenfor whatever reason, from even decent families is very much a grwth industry nowadays.

[PunditLisa]

My daughter’s tutor instructed out of his home and his rule was that someone had to be there with her the entire time.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Freudian_Slit

Well, I’m not doing it anymore–long out of high school and the need to take physics/math. (Thank god!)

I think another good reason to tutor both males and females in the same type of location is that not only could a guy accuse the OP, people might think it’s weird that he goes out of his way to be in public with girls. Like…is he trying to bend over backwards because he’s doing something that he shouldn’t with the girls when he’s not in public? (Not saying I think that, just that people might think that.)

People who are going to make that accusation will not be dissuaded by anything I actually do.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

Yes they will. They can’t make accusations if you’re never out of sight with a kid.

[Skammer]

Any place I’ve been around kids, that’s been the rule. Even in my kid’s Sunday School, we’re not allowed to drop off the kids until there are at least two adults in the classroom. Teachers are not allowed to be alone with groups of kids, let alone individual kids that don’t belong to them.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

Changing the topic ever-so-slightly:

This weekend I am scheduled to take my 11-year-old nephew and my friend Apri’s son to some movie or other. (I don’t remember which movie; it’s some action flick that neither mother wants to sit through.) So I’m going to pick up the nephew, drive him over to April’s and pick up her son, drive both to the movies, take 'em out for ice cream or something similarly tasty and bad for 'em, then take 'em home. I get the distinct impression that some of y’all think that would be a needless risk on my part. Am I reading ya’ll right?

[Skammer]

I wouldn’t worry about your nephew, assuming you’re not a stranger to him. For the friend, it depends on how well you know him. I’d avoid being alone with him in a car or a closed room unless you’re already very close to him, but I wouldn’t worry about being with him in the presence of your nephew.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

Changing the topic ever-so-slightly:

This weekend I am scheduled to take my 11-year-old nephew and my friend Apri’s son to some movie or other. (I don’t remember which movie; it’s some action flick that neither mother wants to sit through.) So I’m going to pick up the nephew, drive him over to April’s and pick up her son, drive both to the movies, take 'em out for ice cream or something similarly tasty and bad for 'em, then take 'em home. I get the distinct impression that some of y’all think that would be a needless risk on my part. Am I reading ya’ll right?

No one is talking about family. We’re talking about professional situations with kids you are not related to or very close to.

Having said that, even kids you’re related to can make false accusations.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

No one is talking about family.

You’re not talking about family.

Anyway, I did say “changing the topic ever-so-slightly.”

[JSexton]

It sucks, but I think you have to be careful. The odds of an accusation are remote, but the consequences are devastating.

Of course, if we’re talking about false accusations, then keeping meetings public may or may not actually help, since we’re talking about someone making up inappropriate behavior. Clearly they’d also lie about the circumstances. I guess it helps if you’re generally known to be open, but still, allegations are allegations, and they stick no matter how unfounded.

[SciFiSam]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

Changing the topic ever-so-slightly:

This weekend I am scheduled to take my 11-year-old nephew and my friend Apri’s son to some movie or other. (I don’t remember which movie; it’s some action flick that neither mother wants to sit through.) So I’m going to pick up the nephew, drive him over to April’s and pick up her son, drive both to the movies, take 'em out for ice cream or something similarly tasty and bad for 'em, then take 'em home. I get the distinct impression that some of y’all think that would be a needless risk on my part. Am I reading ya’ll right?

Well, apart from the fact that family is different, you’re not alone in a locked room with them at any point there.

You sound like a nice uncle.

[Hippy_Hollow]

As a former public school teacher, I’ve seen colleagues’ careers ruined or put under undue strain because of very innocent behaviors that put them alone with children of the opposite sex. So if you did not have control over who you worked with like teachers, counselors, and coaches typically do not, I’d say keep your distance for both genders.

As others have said accusations can come from anyone at any time. However, I think you can exercise your own best judgment and decide individually. It’s not a foolproof strategy and something could happen. But if you find it a hardship to find public places, or you feel you do your tutoring less effectively in public places, I think you should not prohibit the approach that makes you feel comfortable, with one caveat: be sure the parents know where and how you are meeting. If there’s an issue you have further information with which to make a decision.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Hippy_Hollow

As a former public school teacher, I’ve seen colleagues’ careers ruined or put under undue strain because of very innocent behaviors that put them alone with children of the opposite sex. So if you did not have control over who you worked with like teachers, counselors, and coaches typically do not, I’d say keep your distance for both genders.

As others have said accusations can come from anyone at any time. However, I think you can exercise your own best judgment and decide individually. It’s not a foolproof strategy and something could happen. But if you find it a hardship to find public places, or you feel you do your tutoring less effectively in public places, I think you should not prohibit the approach that makes you feel comfortable, with one caveat: be sure the parents know where and how you are meeting. If there’s an issue you have further information with which to make a decision.

Oh, it’s not a hardship finding a public place. In fact, it’s helpful in distinguishing people who actually want help from those who don’t. If it’s too much of a hardship for somebody to agree to be at the library at 9:15 on Saturday (or 1:15 on Sunday), I politely demur; that kid’s gonna be a pain anyway.

[robby]

My vote is for “not paranoid enough.”

I taught at a military school for seven years. I had a strict policy of never being alone with a student behind closed doors. When I had after-class office hours, my office door was always open, and anyone walking down the hall could see in. In addition, the instructor across the hall from me had a full view into my office, and vice versa.

I did have one slip-up when I first started teaching. I was talking to a female student about a cheating incident, and had a conversation with her behind closed doors. When I finished, I was surprised to see another officer standing outside the door. He very pointedly told me that he could hear every word in there, and could vouch for me. It was at that instant that I realized what a fool I’d been and how precarious a situation I had put myself in. :smack: I never made that mistake again. After all, why give someone who you are accusing of cheating the means to retaliate against you with a false accusation?

When I had to speak to a student about a personal matter after that, I always had another officer present in the room. I didn’t care whether the student liked it or not. If they asked about why someone else was present, I just replied that “Lieutenant [XXX] is simply here to observe.”

I had a relative who became a high school teacher a few years after I started teaching. In our discussions regarding interactions with students, I always advised him of my personal policy. Nevertheless, he ignored my advice, and repeatedly took chances, such as driving students home from after-school events. This included female students, and he was always alone in his car with the last student to be dropped off. I warned him repeatedly that this was not a good idea, and that it didn’t look good.

Sure enough, one of these students got angry at him for not giving her a part in a play that she wanted, accused him of impropriety, and because the student was not of legal age, he was charged with a criminal offense. While it was basically his word against hers, his attorney advised him that he was risking years of actual prison time if the case went to trial and he were convicted, and he would thereafter be a convicted felon. He therefore pleaded guilty to a lesser charge, was fired, and lost his teaching license. He also had to cash out his pension to pay the $20-30K of his attorney’s fees.

It was very difficult not to say, “Told you so!” as this sordid saga unfolded. :rolleyes:

[Caveat_lector_1]

I would be and have been alone with children of family or close friends as long as circumstances are normal. It is also a safer in nonprofessional situations as revenge as a motivation for false accusations is absent and I suspect revenge is the most common reason for such accusations. Professionally I won’t be anywhere isolated with a student, male or female. However, even if you know a youth well you still may need some precaution and there are some I won’t be alone with no matter how public.

For example I was a youth group leader and was driving four youth (all late teens) to an off site event. When we arrived one of the girls (who I had know for years) loudly claimed I’d touched her breast. Thankfully the other youth immediately refuted her claims and said said she was “just joking.” Why’d she do it? She loved attention and drama so I think this is the reason she said what she did. I can think of no other. If the other teens hadn’t been there I don’t know how far she’d have taken it. I made a point to have nothing to do with her again with out many other present no matter how public.