Am I too old to date a 19-year-old? (long, stupid)

In My Humble Opinion
141

The Ezra Pound sucking was mostly my thing, actually, as she’s never read him. I’ve always preferred Eliot.

Well, I have to argue with you there, Auntbeast. For one thing, I think that I have spoken a great deal more about her personality and intellect than her physical appearance; the most I said about the way she looks was to call her “quite pretty,” praising Elly in comparable terms, while talking quite a bit about what she’s read and the way she talks. I admit that I don’t mind prettiness – I’m still a straight guy, after all – but it’s not the main thing I value in a woman.

I’m a trophy? Let’s see, I don’t have a 12-inch dick – not that Beth is likely to see it any time soon – I drive a six-year-old station wagon, and I live in a neighborhood where all the houses have bars on the windows. Why, surely there must be as many women panting after me as after Brad Pitt! :rolleyes:

::considers all possible reactions::

:: discards vast majority as I am conversing with a fellow fan of L’Engle::
What vexes me about this response, Auntbeast, is that a thread about the ethics/wisdom/propriety of my dating a woman so much younger is morphing into a critique of Beth, which seems unfair, since the only data you have about her is filtered through me. You can know a bit about me, at least based on my posting history, but calling her “pretentious” and “shallow” seems baseless. Based on our multiple conversations about books, to say nothing of our date, I’d say that she reads the things she does because she likes them. And she’s a long way from trying to seem tortured. As for the inconsiderate towards other women, well, as someone pointed out, I was the person being cockblocked, not Elly. Moreover, her cockblocking, however insincere, served to alleviate a situation that wasn’t going my way anyhow; it’s not as if I had asked Elly out and Beth screamed, “Hey, Skaldie, did you get your antibiotics prescribed for your clap yet?”

And that’s my cue to talk about something else.

I still love your name, though.

142

Note to self: If ever involved in similar situation, maintain SDMB entirely uninformed.

Enjoy, Skald – heck, sounds like you already do and will. BTW I agree it’s entirely unbecoming that this is drifting into a vivisection of one of the two ladies, based mostly on style/form considerations, when ISTM it started and was going quite well as the continuing tale of a man’s encounter with what he’s not sure if it’s the business end of the Clue Stick. Which may yet turn to farce, but what in life doesn’t have the potential for that?

And people, please, for all we know B and E are having a friendly laugh over coffee at how S had to be issued a direct wake-up call. Heck, that would be the ideal thing…

143

Indeed Skald: what would be Beth’s reaction if she knew we were all discussing her on this
thread (in flattering terms or no)? “Yes darling, when I’m not dating you I’m dissecting our
relationship online with virtual acquaintances.” Not a criticism just wondering if I would
discuss a (budding) relationship in a public forum-an ethical concern?

144

[Hypocrite mode]

Now a response to Maeglin: why can’t two people have a sincere interaction with each
other without power issues coming to the fore?

I (the hypocrite) say that of course as someone who hasn’t dated in several years precisely
because I fear that kind of open, sincere, no-ulterior-motives kind of relationship is very
hard to come by…

145

I think, instead, that most of the “data” being discussed on this thread is posters projecting themselves into your situation, and reacting to how they feel about that. Quite a few either (1) recalled how they were at Beth’s age, and judged her harshly because of that, or (2) empathized with how they’d feel if a younger woman moved in on a man interested in them.

I’m going to presume that Elly is not a poster on this thread, and that Beth is not a younger version of a poster on this thread. Really, quite a few of the opinions offered have read more like fanfics… where personalities have been inserted where they’re otherwise lacking.

Don’t get worked up over the persimmons. Sounds like you enjoyed the date; see if you enjoy the next one, too.

146

Hence my saying that itw as my turn to talk about something else.

147

I know you wanted to stop talking about it, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents before going to bed. :slight_smile:

I carried on a relationship (of sorts), with a man who is 22 years older than me, for a year. I was head over heels for him, but he wasn’t interested in settling down. He talked about it possibly happening, and perhaps it could be me - but he wasn’t going to any time soon, and enjoyed sleeping with other women (of all legal ages) while carrying on with me. Once the fog lifted I realized what a huge womanizer he is, and how damaged he is to even want anything to do with someone as young as me. Even if it was mostly for sex, something didn’t seem right about that. You could say the same for me - maybe I was damaged to think that something could happen with someone his age…and I was. I just got out of a relationship (a long one) with someone only 3 years older. He still lived with his parents, couldn’t hold down a job, and refused to take on any responsibility whatsoever.

After that relationship, I wanted a man. I chose older men. Why? Well, they were OLDER, that means more wise and mature! After two failed relationships with older men (one 22 years older, the other 28 years), I realized how completely wrong I was. Older men can be just as whiney, indecisive, and irresponsible as younger men. Age has nothing to do with maturity.

So what’s the meaning of all this? Well, that age has nothing to do with anything. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t. Relationships are complicated, and it’s not fair or accurate to say that one thing works and the other doesn’t. Considering what you’ve mentioned - you guys have a lot in common, and you just might continue clicking. Who knows, maybe the age difference will be a benefit. You’ll never know unless you try, so have fun on your next date. :slight_smile:

148

I understand all of the words in the above, but quite honestly, I don’t have the slightest idea what you are talking about.

Hey Skald, have you read any of the early drafts of The Waste Land before Pound edited and redacted it? Eliot, whom I also admire tremendously, called Pound “il miglior fabbro” without the slightest trace of irony.

How fruitful of a conversation was it if your partner had never read any of the works in question?

149

Auntbeast does have a point, in that I would have raised an eyebrow in Beth’s direction had I been in earshot and heard her horning in on your game.

That being said, then we have to consider; why did she horn in? Have she and Elly discussed before that Beth had a crush on Skald? I know we’re all talking about Skald as though he’s just an “old man” (though in his mid-thirties, he’s certainly not) but from what I’ve read he’s also very intelligent, funny and sweet. I’ve never seen a pic, but maybe he’s also physically attractive. And even if he’s “pleasant looking” at best, the three things I just mentioned would make him sexy in my books were I a single woman.

We’re all judging Beth as though we know her. And I agree that there’s plenty of reasons for Skald to be cautious from what we all know of the average 19-year-old. But there’s another side to this story, and it’s Beth’s. Maybe she’s had the hots for Skald for a long time, and finally mustered up the courage to do something about it when she saw she might lose her chance as he asked out a co-worker.

Furthermore, Skald seems like a smart cookie. I’m sure that if she shows signs of being full of herself and shallow, he’ll jump ship pretty quickly.

So I stick with my original advice. Keep doing what you’re doing, Skald, and have a wonderful time. :slight_smile:

150

What I want to know is what the hell kind of municipality do you live in where the public library has a coffee shop and is populated by cute 19-year-old girls who flirt with older guys. My public library is like 2000 square feet of 70’s furniture, and the patrons are soccer moms and retired people.

151

Toronto? :smiley:

152

You may not consider yourself a trophy, but in any contest, there is a winner. It is possible that you are more attractive to her because you were interested in someone else, and yet she derailed that.

I grew up in a college town, and am well-versed in the girls running to read Anais Nin to seem worldly, the boys Sartre. Sure, they absolutely love the writing and do it because they are interested, however, it is a bit of a cliche or at least, 20 years ago it was.

The blush of youth is an enticing thing. Her age would forgive a multitude of sins with many men.

FWIW, I’ll give a bit more information. I am now 38. (Thanks guys) and dated men significantly older than me when I was 18-22. Yes, I dated guys older than you. I am a reasonably attractive woman, however, my brains have always gotten me through doors my looks could only knock on. I am excellent at banter. The thing is, I am now a 38 year old woman and have a better understanding of myself and men. I can’t imagine a man I consider myself equal to dating someone 19. Even if that someone was well read, intelligent, curious and vivacious. I was still a 19 year old stupid kid. My best pick up line ever was “Hey, You. Come here.”

I don’t think the guys I dated then were pervs. I was/am a rather unique sort of woman. They treated me with respect, we had a good time and we moved on. None of them scarred me for life, but I would have been a fool to have a long term relationship with them. I’ve changed so very, very much.

To quote one of the finest movies ever made Shawshank Redemption :
Red: There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then, a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone and this old man is all that’s left.

As evidenced in this thread and in life, most women my age don’t feel they can adequately compete with a much younger woman. I don’t suffer from that at all. With age has come a settling in to this skin an understanding of its flaws, benefits strengths and weaknesses. Things may only be in a close approximation to where they used to be, but I have a far better understanding of them.

Take care, chances are, she has no idea how a lady should be treated. She is probably used to bossing around young men who have no clue. You have the opportunity to help her raise her bar.

153

And possibly vice versa.

154

Maybe he goes to the main library of a big city. A library of that size could well have amenities such as a coffee shop.

155

Mmmmmmmmmmm. Soccer Moms.

:wink:

156

To quote another popular film, " You had me at ‘Hey’ ".

:smiley:

157

The difference is less than 20 years. Go for it!

Now I have a problem with age. The object of my lust (that’s not all it is, but it might as well be) is nineteen…and I’m 64. That really would look stupid, no? I’d be sitting in a restaurant and the waiter says, “and what will your granddaughter have?” No, I just content myself with day…and night…dreams. She has no idea that I’m seeing her through 22-year-old eyes (my ex-wife was 19 when I married her and I was 22). Life isn’t too short. It’s too long!