We have different definitions of humiliation then. While I agree **Jeanie **shouldn’t have said anything the first time and could have handled the situation more diplomatically the second time, she never did anything that I would consider more than mildly annoying.
The husband, on the other hand, sounds like someone I wouldn’t want to socialize with at all, to put it mildly.
I think the grabbing him part is what rankled; clearly, it rankled him, and it’d be worth talking to him to find out how he’d prefer you to deal with it.
Daniel
If someone bought a house located next to the interstate, then complained that the house was too close to the interstate, would you blame the person who bought it or would you blame the house?
(hey, you married the guy)
Any kind of personal criticism in public is at least a little humiliating, no?
There aren’t enough rolleyes in the world.
Ahh no, haven’t bought the house yet. Merely renting it for the past 6ish years and spawned with it once. If he were like this all the time I would not be with him. And, we were both probably grumpy after spending all day driving from New Orleans.
He’s really not usually like this. He’s outrageous and makes me do social things I would normally wouldn’t want to that have showed me the world won’t end if I don’t do something by the rules. I just wish he could see things through other’s eyes though and realize he might just sometimes offend people with his forthright manner.
I was thinking and we’ve been through the lightly fried stuff before, but he’s never done it in such a small town restaurant. I think the worst I’ve ever done about that before is roll the eyes.
No, not really. Embarassing, sure, but the only humiliating behavior was when he threw his food out the window in a pique of anger.
Between that, his “pushing social conventions”, and not being able to take criticism, he sounds like an insufferable ass with a superiority complex.
Have you mentioned to him that it makes you uncomfortable? I think you can ask him, as a favor to a loved one, to be careful how he phrases such requests (i.e., to make it clear that they’re requests and that he really appreciates the restaurant staff’s extra work in meeting them). But rolling your eyes at him and insulting him in front of other people isn’t something you can do and stay on his good side.
Daniel
Sorry wasn’t clear–didn’t literally roll my eyes–just figuratively did.
And sorry for getting defensive. I know I could have handled it better. I will apologize for the first one. I felt like I was in the right at the time, but now y’all helped. The 2nd, well, hang out with some East TX cowboys for a bit and you’ll see it’s not a stretch to imagine them giving Dallas SO with flaming shirt a lil’ talking to after he ran in front of them without hearing an answer from them.
Actually, the thing is, he clearly humiliated himself in both situations. She just pointed it out, and called him on immature behavior. Which is probably what his issue really is. He got caught acting a little jerkish, and instead of looking at his own behavior he decided to lash out at the person who caught him in the act.
(Eonwe–assuming we’re talking about the ‘behaviors’ that led to the situations, rather than the SO’s reaction afterwards): whether he “humiliated himself” is really a matter of opinion. That’s if it’s even possible to humiliate yorself. I certainly wouldn’t say ordering onion rings “lightly fried” classes by any means.
The second one’s a lot less clear, it depends how it really happened compared to how BBJ describes it.
Praise in public, criticize in private. This is a very good rule.
FWIW, I’d be very annoyed at my wife if she went on a messageboard giving her side in a fight we’d had and explaining things in a way that made me sound like a child, whether or not it was accurate.
Daniel
Good point.
I don’t see it being any worse than talking about it with friends or family or, considering the anonymity involved, slightly better even. It’s obviously bugging her and she just wanted a second (and third and fourth…) opinion.
I really wanted opinions on this. If I was wrong I wanted to admit it. I will do so with the first. Where else but on a message board filled with strangers would one get this objective information? I suppose I could have decided I was right and not asked for opinions to see what they thought.
I belive I’ve presented the occurences as accurately as I could, but yeah I can’t say what was going through his mind. I owned up to my part and wrongs. I don’t think I’m hiding the ball or slanting it. What would be the point in asking for your opinions if I didn’t accurately present the situation? I’m not asking for high fives and criticism against him in this. Again, I look differently at the 1st one now that I’ve heard y’alls take on it.
These were the only disagreements we had during the trip other than if I had to get up and watch the sunrise on the lake.
Just giving how I’d feel about it. Fortunately, my wife feels the same way; and while you might see burundi and myself complimenting one another on these boards, you won’t ever see us hashing out an argument on them, for precisely that reason.
Daniel
I think there’s a fairly elemental difference between your situation and BBJ’s, though, Daniel. Your wife has a presence here, so blowing off steam about her here is, for all real intents and purposes picking a fight with her in public. Whatever the results, it’s going to color our future interactions with her. AFAIK, Mr. Tosshisdinneroutthewindow doesn’t have a presence here. He has no future interactions here to be colored by us hearing about this incident. He suffers no harm whatsoever by her blowing off steam, collecting her thoughts, and seeking outside opinions here.
Frankly, I’d much rather have millions of strangers hear about me acting like that than a single friend or family member.
FWIW, here’s my take on it.
Being rude to the wait staff. Unacceptable.
Being rebuked in front of the wait staff. Not so good. Merits an apology.
Cutting in line, under any circumstances. Unacceptable.
Potentially being saved from a cowboy ass kicking, then behaving like a petulant 2 year old as you try to make peace. Unacceptable doesn’t even begin to cover it.
My advice would be to apologize for the waitress incident, but just ignore the rest. Good luck, maybe he’s going through male menapause.
I generally agree with your first sentence. That said, if you act like a jerk in public, and someone calls you on it in public, lashing out at that person/acting like a child is totally unacceptable.
In the restaurant/cowboy situation, BBJ did exactly what was appropriate. It sounds like, whether or not he realised it, the SO was cutting those guys in line, and rather rudely as well. If I were with any friend and he/she did that I would have probably said/done the same thing, “hey, I think these guys were here first,” or, “hold up, let these guys go.” I don’t see how the person being an SO should give him/her the right to have jerkish decisions overridden.
As far as posting this on a message board; come on! We’re in the world of annonymity, where people can talk about all sorts of dirty laundry and get advice on all sorts of private things. Whether or not you would do so (and if you have an SO on the boards I can understand why you wouldn’t) is kind of irrelevant, no?
Incident 1 - Yeah, criticize in private. I have always hated being around couples who couldn’t keep their arguments and sniping at each other private. I have to say, though, I would not stay with someone who is rude to service people. That is inexcusable. They’re just doing a job like anyone else.
Incident 2 - I don’t really understand this incident. He rudely asked someone if they were in line, then he stormed out when they didn’t answer, then he threw his food out of the window (may I add that this is also littering, which I don’t approve of either)? This strikes me as pure, unadulterated asshole.
As for airing dirty laundry on a message board, I did something similar last week. I felt bad about disregarding my husband’s privacy later, so I asked him about it, and he said he didn’t care what I said about him on a message board. Still, I think it is better to err on the side of caution when talking about somebody else’s private stuff on a public message board.