** Featherlou** as far as the littering I’m right there with you. I got out of the SUV and picked it up and threw it in the trash. We hadn’t pulled out yet.
But y’all don’t know me and don’t know the SO. If it were something awful I wouldn’t put it up here. But, I honestly was furious about both and I wouldn’t run it by friends because that’s worse–like tatteling on your SO. Unless you see a tall blond and a guy twice her age wearing a loud print shirt moseying around Dallas, everyone is still anonymous and I now have a better perspective where my stubborness won’t get in the way.
Hell, you STILL won’t know–tall blonds with older men here are a dime a dozen
You really need to learn to keep your mouth shut in public. And I don’t mean “keep your mouth shut” and be a submissive little woman. I mean keep your mouth shut just out basic common sense, and respect for your SO’s feelings. If a man or woman is in the middle of a social dynamic, even if their behavior is unorthodox, unless it’s something way over the top, to criticize them publicly in front of others is abjectly and uttlerly humilating, and is one fo the most infuriating things one person could do to another.
This sort of behavior stings and is not easily forgotten. His throwing the food out the window, regardless of how petulant it may have seemed, was a clear signal telling you how monumentally pissed he was at this cycle of behavior.
If this public criticism thing is something you just can’t contain, your relationship with him does not have a rosy future.
astro Well I think these are the only times I’ve said things in public in the past couple of years. I would normally keep my mouth shut and if I really needed to talk to him later in private–not that it would do any good. I appreciate your fortune telling, but before you declare me a ballbreaking bitch, please refer to the fact that this is isloated, I thought I had good reason to immediately deal with each of these although I really didn’t for the first, I genuinely felt bad and wanted opinions because it was truly bothering me. Before this thread I’ve probably posted 10 times in the past 6 months–maybe not even that much. I care, I love him, these made me feel uncomfortable and I felt like I needed help viewing my actions objectively.
I will tell you if I think he is downright insulting I will say something to him in public and feel perfectly justified, but I didn’t even in these two incidents feel perfectly justified. If someone insults the waitstaff, concierge, doorman, cabdriver and it clearly hurts them I’ll be damned if I’m going to not criticize in public. But, if it just might have hurt them, I would either ignore it or address it.
The business about my not airing dirty laundry in public is something particular to me: I’m not saying you’re wrong to do so, BBJ, as long as you’re cool with him going down to a bar and telling his own version of events in a fashion that makes you sound terrible. I wouldn’t be okay with that, either–but that’s me.
As long as I don’t know the patrons I’m fine with it. Reminds me of that Desperate Housewives line from the dinner party: “Rex cries when he ejaculates.” I’m not that mean and none of our friends know unless he’s told them.
Sounds like you have had plenty of sensible feedback. I would like to add one idea for vacationing together in a car. I always keep a broad-brimmed floppy hat and sunglasses nearby. That’s my way of isolating myself for the cooling off period. For all practical purposes, they become a wall with a locked door. It’s probably good for both my husband and me.
BTW, I didn’t hear about putting “something extra” in food until I moved to the city. I’ve never worried about such a thing. And there’s nothing particularly violent about most cowboys.
Left Hand of Dorkness, I don’t get where you’re coming from with this “airing dirty laundry” thing. I think it’s a lot healthier for someone to get a variety of opinions on a certain situation in which they’re uncertain as to the appropriateness of their behavior instead of just trying to figure it out on thier own.
Whenever I’m unsure of something that went down between myself and my SO, I like to sort of poll a few close friends and relatives. I try to give as balanced a story as I can, but I’m human, so my version will probably tilt a bit in my favor.
I think it’s even better to do it on a message board where you’ll get totally objective opinions on that specific incident only. As long as her SO doesn’t post here, I don’t see how it’s hurting anyone. Like I said before, I think it’s a hell of a lot healthier than sitting and stewing over it alone.
[sub]Of course, since discovering I post here, my SO promptly searches for my posts whenever we have a fight, so I can no longer vent here. Damn him![/sub]
Yeah, but your SO also posts here. The two situations are completely different. That’s why I’m not getting why you’re coming down on BBJ for it. If her SO posted here, then I could see it, but he doesn’t. So maybe you should cut her a little slack?
Ah, I see the confusion. When I said, “FWIW, I’d be very annoyed at my wife if she went on a messageboard giving her side in a fight we’d had and explaining things in a way that made me sound like a child, whether or not it was accurate,” I wasn’t coming down on BBJ. I was saying what would annoy me. If her SO is fine with it, then excellent! No problem! Peachy!
But I wouldn’t be, and that’s not related to the fact that burundi posts here.
The first one is definitely a little inappropriate, but as a long time restaurant employee AND one who is easily embarrassed by other’s rude behavior, I might have said something myself.
The second one is just plain common sense. I would have said something similar, like “Aloha Shirt, these cats are in line.” And in private I would say “There are other people in this world, not just you, ya mook. Wake up! You are an embarrassment sometimes.”
And Lefty, it’s not really germane as to whether or not you “would be OK” with something like this. You would more than likely never know, anyway, and this thread isn’t about your issue. It may be true for you and burundi, but I would imagine that for most people, they have turned to a friend from time to time and said something like: “Lefty was being such a jerk last night, I wanted to kill him, he left the toilet seat up AGAIN and then ate all the Lucky Charms without asking me if I wanted any.” And you would never know, unless there were some weird control issues involved.
I left out that I consider it to be common knowledge that there are different layers of what it’s OK to ask for depending on which restaurant you are in. Not only does it sound like Aloha Shirt was an ass to the waitness, when you go to a small diner-like joint you take it as they give it to you, within reason. It ain’t the Ritz. Lightly fry the onion rings my ass. I woulda sent out a plate of still frozen rings, myself.
Oh, good grief. “FWIW” is an acronym meaning “For what it’s worth.” If it’s not worth much to you, I’m really not offended by that. Can y’all drop it already?
Yeah, essvee said pretty much what I was going to. BBJ isn’t asking whether or not she should be posting about the issue, she’s posting about the issue itself. If she’s posting about it, obviously she’s okay with it. Not much point of posting about what you and your SO consider acceptable and unacceptable behavior if it’s not meant in some way to apply to BBJ’s situation or meant to “warn” her somehow that it’s not a kosher thing to do.
I’m going to try and stick to generalities and not referee the individual episodes.
I once read that we seek out the traits we lack in our partners then spend the rest of our days trying to make them more like us. I see this in my own marriage and it sounds like it’s at least partially true in your relationship.
The same tweaking authority attitude that you find attractive at other times grated on you during a long trip. Your diplomacy skills, which have probably saved you two before, (and might be why he hooks up with the diplomatic type) rubbed him the wrong way when he was the recipient.
He then aimed his skills at you and you countered with your own, (or the other way around, depending on how you look at it) the result was anger and hurt feelings all around.
I suggest you let it go, don’t worry about setting anything right, and try to keep your abilities focused on the rest of the world rather than each other.
I apologized regarding the first episode. The second, I explained my concerns and he did apologize for acting like an ass for throwing the food. The larger issue of him being respectful to other people doesn’t seem to have been resolved, but it’s not a problem that occurs very often.
We’ve chalked it up to too much togetherness time in the car–I will now bring books with me to try to have alone time in the car. Oh, he’s also chalked it up to me PMSing (how is he always right about when that is happening aside from the giant monthly red spot on my face?)
I appreciate all the comments and suggestions–I think this really helped.
I may secretly start donating his plumage (Aloha shirts) to Goodwill so he looks a bit less like a bird of paradise ready to mate when we’re in more rurla areas. Umm, mostly kidding
