Well now. This is gearing up to be the most interesting Stage 1 in a long time, perhaps ever. So much so that I actually felt compelled to do a recap.
The Fantastic 4: Good gravy, how long are they going to milk this??? Let’s remember 2 crucial facts: 1. It happened in quallies, and 2. women get free rides. The second item alone grossly cheapens the impact of a woman in Stage 1, and the first demolishes it altogether. The idea that their one shining achievement means anything other than this contest is hopelessly rigged like every other reality show ever is just insulting at this point. As for how they did? Whaddya expect? Jesse “Clubhouse” Labreck came close. The others were dead in the water almost as soon as they began. (It’s getting hard to see Michelle Warnky humiliated like this, it really is.) I’m almost hoping that we get a lot more quallies with 4 women qualifying so NBC thinks that it’s not a big deal anymore and shuts up about it.
Nick Hanson: I mentioned his stamina being an issue on NVN, and sadly it jumped up and bit him again again. Lot of heart, lot of muscle, but unless he learns to run he’ll always be Stage 1 fodder.
Austin Gray: The first buzzer he ever hits is in Stage 1. That’s…a pretty interesting trivia note, but mostly it illustrates just how meaningless buzzers are in prelims. Kinda curious as to whether NBC tries to downplay this. They’ve sunk so much into this “share your spare” business that they could have a tricky juggling act on their hands.
On a related note, I really, really think he’s going to have to find something else at some point. Kevin Bull can raise alopecia awareness and inspire lots of kids who cheer him on. Flip “David” Rodriguez can fight to end the stigma of sexual abuse victims. Exactly how much mileage can anyone get out of demanding that everyone give up a body part? At best it’s going to become incredibly tiresome; at worst it’s going to raise all kinds of nasty implications.
Brent Steffensen and Brian Arnold: Proof that age spares absolutely no one. It was easy to blather on and on and on about “ageless wonders” when it was Jon Stewart fighting to the end of a quallies course. Now two stalwarts who were once mainstays on Stages 2 and 3, one the first ever to conquer Ultimate Cliffhanger and other nearly taking the First American Ninja Warrior crown, come up a day late and a dollar short. In a night with no shortage of young-lion-conquering-the-old moments, this was the most biting example.
Jon Alexis Jr.: Swear to god this is at least the fourth time I’ve seen that exact same “I’m the oldest student here!” story. Is it so fascinating that we can never get enough of it? Not one word about NVN? :mad: His run, alas, was more or less what you’d expect, dominate for a while and then run out steam.
Oh, uh, due to giant giant giant giant giant giant giant, my new nickname for him is “Jax”. Because, y’know, there J and A and X, and Mortal Kombat was really big here for a while. No, really, that’s all there is to it.
Travis Rosen: I can understand how hard it can be to walk away. I can understand the terrible feeling of knowing that the roar of the crowd, the adrenaline rush, the being a part of something grand and wonderful, is going to go away and never go back. Know what? I can also understand the vastly more terrible feeling of being in constant, agonizing pain. Please, Rosen, walk away while you can still walk.
Flip “David” Rodriguez: That Stage 3 appearance is looking more and more like a fluke. Inspriing, yes. Great role model, maybe. ANW contender, not happening.
Jamie Rahn: Just hoping he’s achieved enough that “barefoot clear” doesn’t become his NBC-mandated thing for the goddam rest of his life. It was a really close call with Kevin Bull.
Neil “groanworthy” Craver: Um, hello, is it still prelims? No? Then why are we seeing moronic unfunny sketches and messing around on the course? Vegas is for athletes, you boob. Sheesh.
James McGrath: This is an interesting case. It’s actually pretty rare for a competitor to get taken out by the same obstacle time after time. Competitors succumb to pressure, make mental errors, have trouble with footing, etc., but for one specific task to get completely in their head is all but uncalled for. I’m genuinely intrigued in seeing just how long The Curse of Jumping Spider lasts. Heck, with Steffensen and Arnold fading, it’s good to see consistency in something.
Casey Suchocki: Same issue as Jax and Gray. There’s a reason the wedding is known as the least important day of the marriage. How much mileage does NBC think they can get out of it? And gramps isn’t going to be around forever, either.
Joe Moravsky: I personally found Bodge shrieking “YOU JINXED HIM!!” to Eyes hilarious, as “jinxes” have something like a 3% success rate on ANW. The post-run interview said it all (I’m surprised NBC didn’t cut it out entirely, especially given the happy-happy everything-is-absolutely-wonderful paradigm reality TV normally runs under). God damn. I’ve read some of his Twitter feeds, and he is deadly serious about this. He considers it practically a sacred duty to reach Total Victory…he even calls it that!..and after last year’s near miss due to a ridiculous explosion of arm crap, he had to think his chances were good this year. Make no mistake, this man is a champion in every sense of the world, and every time he hits the course, there’s the potential for something superhuman happen. Four words, peeps: Team Ninja Warrior 2. Now, just like that, it’s over. We all know the harsh justice of Sasuke by now, but this went way beyond “harsh” and all the way to “soul-destroying”.
Wait a minute…did Alex Curry actually ask “What’s making you so emotional about this?” What’s making him so emotional about this, Cur? What the bloody hell do you THINK is making him so emotional about this, you goddam insensitive brain-dead… Sheesh, way to bleed all the joy out of your All-Star event win, you hack. :mad:
Stage 1 has always been a bloodbath, but this year the carnage was greater than ever, and…I can’t say why. None of the obstacles looked especially lethal. Double Dipper got some, Jumping Spider got some, Jeep Run got some, Archer Whaddyacallum got some. (Oh, and am the only one super-duper tired of hearing “You can’t take any obstacle for granted!” EVERY FREAKING TIME someone goes out on the first obstacle? We get it! Disaster can strike anywhere! Find something else to say!") Twist And Fly was harder than Flying Squirrel, but not that much harder, and Razor Beams was a complete non-factor. The only thing I can think of is that there’s now a $100,000 prize for the top competitor (both grossly overdue and too small, but again, baby steps), which adds even more pressure, along with age finally catching up to the older guys.
And I’ll definitely be watching to see if this becomes the first big sea change in how NBC presents this product. For almost a decade they’ve stuck to the tried-and-true reality TV…well, reality of positivity and love and light and sweetness and good times and inspiration and hope etc. etc., you know the drill by now.
Desperately hoping that Jessie Graff doesn’t go out early next week. The Fantastic Four’s stumbles was the first crack in the damn, and Moravsky turned that crack into a gouge. For the first time, the competitors, and the young hopefuls of the future, and the fans, and the viewers at home, and everyone at NBC, has had to come to terms with an unavoidable truth: It gets bad. The pain, the disappointment, the bitterness, the rage, the inability to even think of a response, it’s all there, and there is absolutely no stopping it. An all for a sport that, for the overwhelming majority of competitors, there is still no hope of making any decent money at. Second place in the PGA Championship is worth a shade over 1.1 million. Second place is ANW is worth jumping jack squat. If Graff takes a tumble, that would just about snuff out whatever tiny flicker of hope there is for Stage 2. And remember, she has in the past. It always seems to be 3 steps forward and 2 steps back for her, and now that she has just about every achievement worth having under her belt, where does she even find the motivation to keep fighting? No one can light up a room and spark a fire in the souls of millions of girls like her, but this year it’s looking like the sports gods have decided that we’ve had enough love and cheer and are going to make us take the pain. Here’s hoping that’s not the case.