Apparently it’s the Stanley Cup playoffs instead. We’ve seen two episodes so far (LA and Atlanta), and the third will be shown on Monday the 17th.
Good lord Daniel Gil was impressive this week. It blows my mind that when you get to the best of the best of the best, he’s still second tier behind Drew Dreschel (The clear #1 now, yes?) and Joe Moravsky. Second tier as in if he faces either of those two guys in a team ninja competition, he’d be a significant underdog.
The downside of switching to “top 5 women advance to city finals” is that it undercut the record-tying performance by the women, where four women finished in the top 30 and would have advanced purely on merit anyway. Remember how huge of a deal it was last time that happened? Now it’s just a throw-away comment during a recap segment. (Advancing the top 5 women is still an overwhelmingly good change; just a bit of a bummer that this impressive achievement got ignored because of it.)
Speaking of the women, the first runner of the night (named Wiltin I think) just barely advanced by being the 5th place woman. I always love it when the first runner of the night advances.
Moved to Monday after skipping a week in which NBC showed…a movie. Continue to be baffled by these scheduling decisions. Anyway, we’re back with new 'n improved quallies. Still not sure exactly what kind of narrative NBC is trying to make with these, so for everyone’s benefit I figured I’d do a highlight reel.
(My cable provider classifies this as “Genre: Action, Reality, Sports”, for whatever that’s worth.)
0:02 Our first look at tonight’s brand new Coconut Climb. It looks strange and unforgiving. I have the feeling our old friend the Massive Horrific Quallies Pileup On The Fifth Obstacle could be returning with a vengeance.
0:03 Dangit, I spent a solid minute looking up the perfect stupid nickname for him, and now I learn that he’s only ever going to be called “Kid Owhadi” here ever again. Yeah, exactly like Flip “David” Rodriguez, with the result that I need to give him the exact same treatment. Welcome to the big leagues, Mathis!
0:04 We kick things off with the obligatory won’t-finish-but-will-make-it-much-further-than-you-ever-imagined feel-good contender, Karen Wiltin. The advantage to showing this run early, apart from building plenty of touchy-feely cred, is that we get to see someone on the new obstacles right away. I remember the old days when we’d have to wait until the 5th or 8th contestant to see a deep run, and I understand how that could get a little frustrating. Wiltin sets a modest pace, nearly loses it on Diving Boards, but makes it through to Coconut Climb. A valiant struggle, to no avail; just doesn’t have the arm strength. Still there isn’t the slightest doubt that she’s making it through, which of course means that Eyes is absolutely obligated to raise serious doubts as to whether she’s making it through. :rolleyes:
0:10 Shot of the Oklahoma City Thunder mascot and some cheerleaders, who get a raucous reception. The Thunder, you’ll recall, are a perennial middle-of-the-road also-ran who, in their most recent season. got clobbered by the Portland Trailblazers in the first round. Call me cynical, but I don’t understand why anyone here should be excited about this team.
0:21 Quick Xfinity promo spot where we learn that Tiana Webberley apparently has teleportation powers. If her team event record is any indication, I don’t think she really needs them.
0:22 After wrapping up a 3WA with Clay Raterman’s run, we get a look at Taylor Amann…wait a minute, I dimly remember those names…and Eyes confirms that they were in the first and thus far only College Madness team event. It seemed for a long time that the show was bending over backward to ignore the fact that this ever existed, and I was baffled as to why. As it turns out, they just needed something sufficiently mushy. See, after Wisconsin’s crushing triumph (which itself would put a severe crimp in the search for any Acceptable Stories), a bunch of students held up the winners, and by sheer coincidence it was Raterman who held up Amann. Which is how they fell in love. No, seriously, that’s it. No telling who, if anyone, fell in love with Andrew Philibeck or Zack Kemmerer, which is a bit of a shame. (I covered all their matches, of course: posts #228 and #232 if you want a refresher.) She does as well as could be expected, staying in it until getting hopelessly stymied on Coconut Climb. She’s all smiles at the end, most likely because she knows she’s absolutely assured of making siffies. I mean, has a boyfriend. :rolleyes:
0:37 And we can add “have your cake and eat it too” to the list of incredibly tired cliches we get to listen to several thousand times every season for the next twenty years. :mad: Hey, Eyes and Bodge, here’s an idea! How about you not capitulate to that bug-eating pervert, and therefore you don’t need this incredibly ham-handed measure to clear the vile taste out of your mouths! :smack: :mad:
0:42 Politicians on ANW are like diapers: They get wet quickly, and always for the same reason.
0:43 And the winner for “most freaking justified 3WA-ing ever” goes to Favia Dubyk, a.k.a. “Doctor Living Personification of Everything That’s Gone Completely, Horribly, Nightmarishly Wrong With ANW”. Her thing is constant shrieking. Seriously. That’s what she does. And this is her second time on the course. I’m honestly amazed someone hasn’t attempted to beat her to a pulp by now.
0:49 Ooh, the clock just came out in the middle of Matthew Day’s run! That’s how you know he’s really good! 
0:51 Coming up later…oh no…no, no, no, no, no, good Hina, ANYONE but HIM. It’s lord bugbreath himself, Eric Middleton. (I swear, if his face were any more punchable, he’d be a Trump supporter.) And guess what, the woman on the ground, Zuri Hall, will be forced to eat another one of his absolutely hideous vermin dishes if he finishes the course, because that is exactly the kind of image that will bring in viewers and present a positive image of this show. :smack::mad::mad::mad: Geez, between this and Dr. Endless Noise Pollution, I have to wonder if a producer had a really bad acid trip.
1:02 Barclay Stockett can’t quite figure out the tricky dismount on Coconut Climb and falls. That one’s absolutely eating everyone’s lunch tonight.
1:08 Hey look, it’s Brent Steffensen! He still exists somehow! 
1:13 Jody Avila could’ve played it safe and taken the simple Warped Wall, but nooooo, he had to get all greedy! Sure enough, his final attempt on Mega Wall comes up tragically short, leaving him penniless and buzzer-less. Crawl away in shame, brazen fool…and see you in six weeks! 
(Man, too bad they don’t show full results anymore and we no longer have any idea just how wildly unrealistic it is that there will ever be enough competitors completing five obstacles that failing Mega Wall doesn’t have the most microscopic effect on his chances of making siffies! :rolleyes:)
1:18 :mad: Ladies and gentleman, the depraved, sickening, repulsive excuse for a man of the hour himself, Eric Middleton…in a 3WA? :eek: They’re not giving him the beard bet treatment? Damn, looks like the producers are as tired of his crap as I am. Well, let’s see how he did…OUT ON THE THIRD OBSTACLE! He handled the wheels just fine, he just botched the dismount and fell backward and in! There is karmic justice if you are incredibly patient! The only thing that would’ve made this better if Zuri Hall walked right up to him, said “I believe this is yours,” and smashed that goddam hissing cockroach right into his smug, smarmy, ever-punchable face. Sorry, no siffies, you’re a footnote this year! Don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out, punk! As satisfying as that would be! 
1:20 Okay, I gotta ask this…why this farm/small town fixation? Seriously, it seems like half the profiles you see, the competitor is from a farm, a teeny little village, a remote outpost, someplace off the grid, etc. Last I checked, literally every episode takes place in city. And not just middling burgs like Honolulu, these are big cities. Los Angeles. Dallas. Miami. Detroit. San Antonio. Indianapolis. Charlotte. Atlanta. And there are lots of residents of these places who were born in the sticks and moved because they were going after better opportunities or just wanted to see the world. For a significant portion of our nation’s history, “moving to the big city” was practically a rite of passage. We know where our food comes from; why keep pounding this drum?
1:30 Just gonna skip to the end of Karsten Williams because my ears are still ringing from Dr. Whose Incriminating Photos Does She Have To Be Allowed Within Ten Miles Of The Venue and if I have to spend five seconds listening to Linda Joshua I will start breaking things. Okay, so he could’ve beaten Matthew Day’s time fairly easily if he went for the wimpy normal Warped Wall, but he decided that what was truly important was making a damn dime off of this, so he chose the Mega Wall. He failed on his first attempt, and with that he lost his shot at the #2 time, and to hear Eyes’ reaction you’d think he just cheated on his wife. :rolleyes: Well, nothing he can do but to go for it a second time…and…make it! Easily! Okay, so he doesn’t doesn’t have a super-awesome time and a place on the Power Tower. You know what he does have? Five thousand bucks. Chew on that, beeyaatcccthhechhc-however you spell this. He realized what truly mattered in the grand scheme was things, the only thing about this rotten stinkin’ contest that was worth going after. And he flippin’ got it. Congratulations, Big Kat…and see you in six weeks!
1:41 Explain to me who “Quest O’Neal” is and why I should give a damn about her again?
1:45 Second to last run of the night, and…oh my, it’s going to be a doozy. Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Gil is in the house! As with Drew Dreschel, “decision” can jump in a lake; he’s after ten grand and the free pass. Let’s see if he can…oh yeah…oh yeah…ohhhhhh yeaaaaah, he’s still got it! He’s not even at half a minute by the time he finishes Diving Boards. On to…and of course he’d make Coconut Climb look easy! He does take a while to size up Mega Wall, then he finally commits…smooth as silk. Time: 1:23.14, easily besting Matthew Day’s 1:50.12.
1:52 One to go…and it’s showing “Mathis ‘Kid’ Owhadi”. Fine, I’ll take it on a damn case-by-case basis! :mad: In his profile, he explains how painful it was to fail on Mega Wall last year. He’s been training specifically for it and is absolutely going for it this year. All right! He begins, and…Gil’s time is showing. Sheesh. #2 makes it to Power Tower! Day is still the man to beat! It’s his time that matters! You had one freaking job, timekeeper! :mad: Eyes mentions what a dream matchup it would be to have Gil vs. Owhadi on the Power Tower, student vs. master; given the track record of storybook matchups, I’m not too confident. Owhadi is charging hard, and there hasn’t been a stumble anywhere. He’s at 1:12 when he dismounts from Coconut Climb, meaning that the cash and the dash are his for the taking. All right. This is what you’re here for, Cougar. Moment of truth. First attempt…just a bit short. The time passes Gil’s, whereupon the timekeeper obligingly removes the clocks for a few seconds before replacing Gil’s time with Day’s. I just don’t know what the hell these guys are doing sometimes… :smack: Second attempt…inches short. Clock passes Day’s time while he’s re-gathering his confidence, so now it’s all about the considerably reduced money. Third attempt! Has a chance! And…AGAIN just a bit short! That’s…no cash, no Power Tower, no buzzer…total, catastrophic failure…all hope gone…all for nothing…utter emptiness…see you in six weeks…
1:56 The main event! Daniel Gil vs…Matthew Day? Doesn’t exactly sound like a marquee matchup…mainly because it isn’t. Here, I’ll make it real simple: When it’s someone who is a superhumanly powerful, blazingly fast terror against someone who isn’t a superhumanly powerful, blazingly fast terror, it’s going to be pretty one-sided. Such is the case here, as Gil makes it across the balance section faster and blazes up the pole, and by that point Day was just a course tester. Looks like going for a top time didn’t work out for you! Second place is the first loser! Too bad, so sad! You’re done like dinner! See you in six weeks!
1:59 Man. I didn’t think I’d be saying this, but I have no problem whatsoever with this Gbajabia-moments thing. If anything, it should be a lot longer. This is EXACTLY how host pandering should be done: Give him his own time, outside of the competition, and keep it tight and to the point. And given how massively edited this is (as all reality shows are), any chance to see someone who’d otherwise never get the time of day is a good one to me. Provided it’s not someone like Favia Dubyk or Eric Middleton. But that goes without saying.
My cable guide said it was Stanley Cup Final Game 7. You got a movie instead of the game? (Maybe a timezone thing? I’m in New England.)
Too bad about Geoff Brittan (sp?) I will always consider him the 1st ANW. Good job Jessie Graf and the mom.
Not many folks went for the mega wall.
Brian
A few biggish surprises last night:
-Geoff Britten falling
-So many strong women that Meagan Martin made it to the 5th obstacle and nearly didn’t make the women’s top 5
-The Swedish Ninja, out of nowhere, with the fastest time of the night over Jake Murray and Sean Bryan by 15 seconds
I did think the lunatic ledges was a quite poor obstacle, because whatever is hard about doesn’t translate well to TV at all. Obstacles should look dramatic and hard and exciting, even if they aren’t. It’s just the opposite.
Next week a friend of mine will be on ANW. He’s the axe ninja because he works at the axe throwing place where I throw. Keep your eyes peeled – he wouldn’t tell us what happened.
Hey all, I haven’t watched regularly in a while but we had the grandkids last night and they enjoy it so I sat down and watched with them for a while (until mom came to pick them up). Apologies if these questions have already been asked and answered…
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Is it my imagination or are they showing more of the competition and less of the boring “human interest story” stuff? If so, yay!
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Are there two warped walls at the end now and how is it determined which one you use? The one on the right looks a good two feet higher than the one on the left, but I think I only saw one guy try to get up the right side the entire time I watched, it seemed like everyone else did the left side. I thought maybe they had finally wised up and had separate male and female walls, but I saw plenty of guys going up the shorter wall.
I wonder what percentage of moms of young children love Rose Wetzel and what percent hate her? She’s the one who was running laps the week of her due date, but that’s not what makes me wonder. It’s that she has a young (<1 year?) toddler at home yet she’s absolutely shredded with six pack abs. I can’t help but think that if I were a new mom with a 6-month-old I would despise her, but I’m not that great of a person.
Speaking of shredded, Jessie Graf is looking swole. I don’t remember her shoulders and arms being that big, which should only help with the upper body obstacles. (And she didn’t even really need any help.)
A little, yes. I used to get through a two-hour episode in like 50 minutes, while last night’s took me a little over an hour, so there was less glurge to FFWD through.
The shorter is 14.5’, the taller is 18’. Each ninja chooses for him- or herself once they get to it. Whichever one you pick, you’re committed to. You get 3 shots at it regardless which you choose.
If you choose the megawall, you get cash prizes for hitting the buzzer:
$10,000 for making it on your first attempt
$5,000 if you make it on your second attempt
$2,500 if you make it on your third attempt
Lots of different things happened this week! This calls for another highlight reel!
0:01 Welcome to the Tacomadome…now that the Seattle Supersonics aren’t around anymore, I guess they gotta use it for something. It makes perfect sense that this type of competition would be held indoors, especially in a place with as much bad weather as the Pacific Northwest; I’m honestly surprised it took that long. Ooh, maybe next year they can put in cool stuff like laser shows and Jumbotrons! Might actually make quallies fun to watch for a change! 
0:03 Kicking things off is Rose Wetzel, who has a 1-3 record in Team Ninja Warrior, which is not a good sign, and is absolutely shredded, which is a HORRIBLE GODAWFUL HIDEOUS NIGHTMARISH sign. The profiles shows her doing lots of physical activity while at least 8 months pregnant, and I trust that I don’t have to spell out the implication here as it has all the subtlety of Godzilla. Come to think of it, I’ve noticed a big push toward mothers this season, and the hype over the possible “first mother to hit a buzzer” has been particularly massive. I understand that the show needs to find new milestones as the old ones fall, but I can’t help but feel a thinly-veiled phasing out of childless lady jocks who don’t do their maternal duty. (Aside: Can someone get “first mother to hit the buzzer” honors if her children are adopted, or is pregnancy and childbirth a requisite? Would a premature delivery be considered a gray area? What if she has only one child, would that be considered cheap? What exactly is the paradigm here?) Wetzel does exactly as well as you’d expect, clearing Lunatic Ledges (dunno what was so “lunatic” about them), wasting completely too much energy, and completely whiffing on Barrel Roll.
0:06 Ooh, more non-crap music to look up on Amazon, cool! 
Ryan Phillips is past Barrel Roll and skips through Broken Bridge, but botches the first transtion on Lightning Bolts. Didn’t see where he went wrong, he just plain missed.
0:13 Good god, has Jackson Meyer ever heard of adult organizations that make a positive difference in society? How about Planned Parenthood? That one’s can’t-miss.
Profile of Sprint Cup phenom McKenna Hasse, and all I can say is…man, she is miles ahead of Danica Patrick.
0:16 Ooh, Kenneth Edwards got really lucky! That’s definitely a noteworthy achievement! :rolleyes:
0:25 Sandy Zimmerman is a 42-year-old P.E. teacher and mother of three! Ooh, I bet she would be the perfect candidate for First Mother To Hit A Buzzer…and…she does! The relatively long nightmare is over! :rolleyes: Not only that, but she’s the first finisher tonight! It’s such a great achievement, it’s almost enough to erase that hideous cardboard cutout of her face! :mad: Is it just me, or are we seeing a lot of strong women tonight? A definite change of mindset from previous seasons, to be sure. And we haven’t even gotten to the barren superstars yet.
0:38 They really need to stop celebrating clearing the goddam second obstacle. I don’t care if it’s a waiweewuwwawei.
0:39 Austin Gray. In his season 10 debut, we learned that he donated a kidney, and since then we’ve learned absolutely nothing else about him. So now, one year later, we see his new profile…which says THE EXACT SAME FREAKING THING. Seriously, that one act of generosity he did once has become HIS ENTIRE FREAKING IDENTITY. Anyway, can’t repeat the magic, won’t be advancing. Good gravy, Neil Craver doesn’t have it as bad!
0:42 Half of me says that crying is totally faked, and the other half says that’s the best case scenario, so plenty of patheticness to go around! :rolleyes:
Hi, tiresome unfunny tryhard! See you in six weeks, tiresome unfunny tryhard! :rolleyes:
0:49 I swear this is at least the fifth time tonight I’ve seen that moose. If the producers want to build a festival atmosphere with lots of funny mascots and bands and pretty cheerleaders, Seattle is definitely not the place to be. (Especially after losing the Supersonics, remember that?) Maybe next time they can combine Seattle with Portland or something.
Whoa, that really is Jon Stewart! Even a bigger surprise than Brent Steffensen! Sadly, age spares no one, not even him, spending over three minutes on Lunatic Ledges before splashing.
0:50 Here comes Meagan Martin…man, that’s a muted introduction. Her star has certainly faded, but you’d expect a little more enthusiasm than that. She hits the course, and she’s…slow. Really, really slow. EXTREMELY close call on the Barrel Roll dismount, looks okay through Broken Bridge, and…can’t handle Lighting Bolts at all, flubbing the first transition.
0:59 Kai is the one that’s worth a damn, right? It’s been a while.
And here comes Sean “Church” Bryan, and turn out the lights, the party is over. This is one of those horrifying nightmare-inducing juggernauts where the moment you see him on the roster, you can give up hope of anyone else having any relevance. True to form, he unleashes holy hell on the course and clocks in at 1:14.37, easily besting Jake Murray’s 1:25.37. Good luck, everyone who’s going after him, you’ll need it!
1:07 I don’t want to go to my grave never knowing why Reko Rivera gets nothing but 3WA after 3WA after 3WA after 3WA. Anyone? Please? Pretty please? 
(Aside: Shouldn’t it be “bee aah waww” now?)
1:09 Geoff Britten. Refer to post #265, and, oh yeah, now add getting knocked out of ’19 All-Stars with an arm injury. In the profile we learn that he started a chain of Ninja gyms in Colorado. This is how freaking sad it’s gotten. Had NBC had one subatomic particle of justice, he would’ve had his rightful prize for his landmark achievement in season 7. Had he not had the most utterly abysmal luck or just better teammates, he would’ve made his mark in the side events, built some real athletic credentials, possibly made some connections like Kacy Catanzaro did. Either way, he’d have the resources and connections to find his own path, pursue his passion, be whatever he wanted to be. Instead, he got a great big steaming pile of nothing, followed by several trainloads of nothing…meaning that he has no choice but to sell his Six Buzzers fame. ANW literally has become what he has to do to survive (and provide for his family, of course). I remember the sad fate of Lee Dewyze, how American Idol gave him a shot at fame, but he was unable to become a music star, and now reality TV owns him. Britten reached the top of the mountain. He deserves so much more than this.
Oh, right, the run. Out on Broken Bridge, won’t advance, you load 16 tons etc.
1:13 Whoa, where the heck did he come from?? 58.75!!! :eek: More on him after I pick my jaw up off the floor!
1:20 Blah blah Acceptable Story blah blah inspirational blah blah if only they could’ve both made it blah blah see you in six weeks blah.
1:30 At long last we’ve come to the woman of the hour, Jessie Graff. She looks slow and tentative throughout, undoubtedly rusty after the long layoff, but she keeps it together and even manages to get the best women’s time of the night. The announcers were predictably all cheery and smiley about how she’s returned, but…I’m sorry, I gotta be realistic here. This is a woman who’s had the weight of Saturn on her shoulders from almost the moment she arrived, and she’s been prone to more than her share of inexplicable blunders. Remember that no-result in USA vs. The World? Now she’s on the bad side of 35 and has just come off her first big movie role. She’s reached the point in her ANW career where any event can be her last, and I just hope it’s not a major injury or some other disaster which does it. Looking forward to her taking another crack at Stage 2!
1:42 Close-up on Meagan Martin…uh oh. It’s back. The bubble. And guess who’s on it. It’s been obvious for some time that Martin was on the decline, but now she’s in serious danger of not making it out of quallies. And we get a scoreboard, and you know that doesn’t happen unless it’s serious.
- Jessie Graff – 2:45.38 Finished
- Sandy Zimmerman – 3:44.18 Finished
- Mady Howard – 1:25.26 5th Obstacle – Lightning Bolts
- Christi Marie – 1:37.36 5th Obstacle – Lightning Bolts
- Meagan Martin – 1:50.19 5th Obstacle – Lightning Bolts
Stepping up is the final lady, Megan Rowe. In the provile, we learn that she throws axes. Awesome.
Here we go! Brisk pace through Shrinking Steps, no problem whatsoever. Adjusts her pants a bit before starting Lunatic Ledges. Ooh, takes an excessive number of swings on the first pendulum, but it’s a clean jump, and the dismount is no challenge. Shot of a now extremely anxious Martin. Rowe takes a while to get on the first barrel, builds up power smoothly, and it’s a picture-perfect lache (Knowing how to spell that rocks! :D). She pauses at the top of the second barrel to listen to some blatering dope and give a funny little whoop. The clock goes up…1:08. All the time in the world. She descends and…too little momentum, needs a few more swings. Close call on the dismount!..and she’s got it! 1:26 now, so she has plenty of time to get through Broken Bridge and punch her ticket…
…and then she waits…and waits…and waits…and waits…and waits… (Come on, dammit!) …and waits…and waits…and waits…and waits… (Rrrrrrggggg!! :mad:) …and waits…and waits…and waits…and waits… (WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, A FREAKING EXECUTIVE ORDER??? :smack::mad::smack::mad::smack::mad:)
And she’s toast. Finally gets through, but of course it’s far too late, and quietly plummets to oblivion on Lightning Bolts.
This is the kind of statement run that separates the women from the girls, and tonight she was all pleated skirts and stuffed animals. There’s potential here, but it’s plainly obvious she’s not ready for prime time. Next time she should stick one of those axes in her butt. :smack:
1:47 Capping it off is Lance Pekus, the Texas Mac of ANW. Someone holds up a “Nobody Beats a Cowboy” sign, which, to anyone familiar with his team and All-Stars records, has to be absolutely freaking hilarious. There are Buffalo Bills more clutch than him.
All right, let’s get this over with. Hat off, shirt off, humina ha, at the walls, going for Mega, sure, why not. First try, not even close. Second try, way short again. You almost have to feel sorry for him at this point. Sure he’s never accomplished anything meaningful, but at least he has the good sense to understand what truly matters in this…
…HOLY CRAP, HE GOT IT! :eek: ON HIS LASTEST-LASTEST CHANCE, HE GOT IT!
And guess what, he’s the only competitor all night who made it. Man, whoever thought that the big winner of the night would be Lance Pekus, of all people! Now the perennial choker, faceplanter, and team wrecker has made $2,500 more off of this than about 99.99% of the competitors who’ve ever hit the course. Way to go, dimestore cowboy!
1:56 We see Swedish thunderbolt Leif Sundberg as he prepares to take on the Catholic crusher himself, Sean Bryan. Sundberg finished in 58.75, completely obliterating Bryan’s 1:14.37. So of course Bryan leads nearly all the way and ices it on the upper-body section. You think he’s gunning for the hundred grand this year?
1:58 Oh, look, they make a big honking deal out of failing Mega Wall all night, and everyone who failed it advanced. :rolleyes: Honestly, failing Mega Wall and that being what knocks him out of siffies…THAT’S the milestone I’m interested in now.
(A Gbajabia-moment I’d like to see: When the crowd does the bee daah waww chant, some of them point to Warped Wall and some point to Mega Wall, and they get into a huge argument. And then americanninjawarriornation.com has an article called “Beeh wih waww?” 
This seem like a weird conspiracy theory. Did they give one whit less attention to Jessie Graff or Barclay Stockett than you think they deserved? I think that on the big banners hanging around the set this episode, right next to Kid Ohwadi, were Jessie Graff and Meagan Martin and Jesse “Flex” LaBreck.
I feel like you have this weird subconscious belief that ANW is an arm of the deep state of cultural conformity or something.
Eh, just a gut feeling. I didn’t sense any hostility or anything, but I’m getting the sense that the bloom is off the rose. Yeah, the producers will put up posters of Graff and Martin based on past successes, but not with any great amount of enthusiasm. Mostly I get the impression that they’ve really been forced into tiny box with these Acceptable Stories, and all the interesting stories about the top ladies are stuff they just can’t talk about. (Did you notice that the subject of race has never come up with Martin, not even once? How does that happen in America?) Motherhood is a great angle because they get to play up new generation of ninjas and biggest fans and all that fluff; if she’s actually good on top of that, she’s going to be an instant star. Who knows, maybe Sandy Zimmerman is going to spark a revolution, maybe she’ll be a one-hit wonder. We’ll see more of the story in six weeks.
I mean, yes, I certainly agree they’re always looking for new angles and new stars. Daniel Gil is clearly better than “Kid” Ohwadi, but Kid is new, and we’ve heard all about Daniel Gil, so… and if that reflects to some mom getting more coverage than an established star, well, it’s just because of newness, nothing more than that. But if a babyless jock woman athlete shows up next year who has a super awesome hook story (and is also physically attractive and also good at ninjaing) they’re certainly not going to refuse to jump all over her story just because she doesn’t have a baby.
As this season develops and details continue to unfold, I’m seeing a real…evolution, for lack of a better word. I’m reminded of a similar situation after CBS’ ruinous decision to focus on “stories” for the Winter Olympics because that’s supposedly what women wanted, which, you’ll recall, resulted quite possibly the most utterly unwatchable sports programing in history. The reaction was virulent, cooler heads prevailed, and storymania is a thing of the past. Now it looks like NBC is finally getting the hint as well.
Will this trend continue? What implications does it have for siffies? Only one way to find out…another round of highlights!
0:00 Is “shoelessness” Jamie Rahn thing’s now? Like, how “going inverted” was for Kevin Bull? Ye gods, fate worse than death. I’m reminded of the “Bechdel Test” and what a goddam disgrace it is that that’s the only thing the overwhelming majority of America knows Alison Bechdel did.
0:03 An acapella group serenades the first competitor, Daniel Eiskant. Okay, they’re pretty good as singers go, but I can’t help but feel a bit miffed that anything past 0.5 or so on the rock hardness scale is forbidden on this show. I saw a rousing rendition of Jesus Christ Superstar on primetime TV not too long ago and the world didn’t come to an end.
0:07 Alex Goodwin is an animal lover, and because of that Bodge is going to have to wear a snake around his neck for the entire run. Because clumsy rehashes of cheesy 80’s WWF gimmicks are just what this show needs. :rolleyes: (Oh, and reminding us of Eric Middleton, thanks for that as well! :mad:) Screw it, if I get a chance to make the announcers do some revolting crap, I’m going for “10 lashes for each obstacle cleared”. That way not only do I get to work off some frustration for all the moronic drivel they’ve subjected me to over the seasons, I forcefully drive the point home that accepting hideous dares/stipulations/concessions is an utterly brain-dead idea and maybe convince them to stop freaking doing them.
0:13 Our first shot of the Baltimore Orioles mascot, The Oriole Bird. No, really, that’s what it’s called. I’m thinking I may have been a wee bit too harsh on the competitors’ nicknames. Much like that moose last week, it’s a ubiquitous fixture for tonight. Lessee, which are the big Baltimore teams…the Orioles, the Ravens, and the Terrapins. That’s it. See previous notes on city choices.
0:15 Nobody should ever suffer a torn ACL for a sport that pays jack squat. Just sayin’.
0:24 Damn, those have to the the frumpiest cheerleaders I’ve ever seen. Not to mention the quietest.
Profile of Brandon Stenta, who…oh, for the love of Byakuren. He got a girl pregnant in high school, they broke up after high school, and now he’s raising his son alone. This is one of those stories where it’s a lead pipe cinch that NBC will never tell you more than 0.001% of what actually happened and die to the last man before allowing the truth to come out. I mean, think of the possible angles here! The importance of contraception! What being a father truly means! Realizing there’s a life beyond high school and preparing for it! Being the bigger man in the face of adversity and not throwing everyone under the bus! But of course all that is waaaaay too contentious, so we’re only going to get awww-isn’t-the-little-boy-cute and single-dads-are-so-inspirational. And of course he clears the course handily, which means we can look forward to getting this EXACT SAME STORY WORD FOR FREAKING WORD six weeks from now. :mad:
0:35 Yooh nuh, ith yuh guhinn ta thick yuh tug oud lige yuh da negs Mithelle Wunky uh sum crab, yuh willy thud nod wath oud od thuh flibbin’ thedd obthagul. Yooh thuck!
0:36 Sheesh, I sure hope he responds to fires a helluva lot faster than he’s responding on the course. :rolleyes: Mike Bernardo really was a fluke, wasn’t he?
0:39 Profile of Abby Clark. Ever notice that you never see a cat person in one of these? Nobody gives cats any love. 
0:46 Whoa, is this really just our second full waiweewuwwawei of the night? They’re definitely struggling a bit in birdland. All right…well, geez. There was a time when this kind of schlock would’ve gotten five minutes. Now they’re given the blink-and-you-missed-it blowoffs they deserve. Good times, folks. Good times.
0:48 On deck is Conor Galvin…goddammit. His 93-year-old grandfather is in attendance. His World War 2 veteran 93-year-old grandfather. Which means that the camera’s going to be on him 75% of the time, we’re going to learn something allegedly interesting about him…ooh, dancing, that’s always a sure winner! :smack: …and of course, of Galvin himself, we are not going to learn one solitary goddam thing. AT ALL. EVER. I can’t even begin to describe how much it completely, colossally, royally SUCKS to have your entire identity completely revolve around someone else. I remember that face…brrrrr, shudder…and how it absolutely sucked all the air out of the room with a nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner and almost singlehandedly wrecked the career of…who was it again… [checks earlier posts] JESSE LABRECK? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SHE OVERCAME THAT?? :eek:
(Post is #169 if for some inexplicable reason you feel like revisitng that moment of lunacy.)
0:57 Oh, look, it’s the weekly “Our established stars are getting destroyed!” pity party. First up is Carl Fantauzzo, who has been in this a bunch of times! That apparently is supposed to be absolute insurace against no-resulting! Then Casey Rothschild, who is apparently one of the women we’re supposed to give a rip about, except when she’s caving on the third obstacle! Then…
…Jon Alexis Jr.??? :eek: The hero of Ninja vs. Ninja? Who’d improved so much and gained so much confidence? Reduced a footnote in season 11?? And yes, that’s exactly what happens, going out in exactly the same spot as Rothschild. There’s absolutely no chance of him advancing with such a poor result. Damn. I know there’s no sympathy for has-beens in sport, but no event drives that point home with more skull-crushing force than ANW.
0:58 All right, enough posers; time for the MAN to get to work. I am talking, of course, about Joe Moravsky. He’s had some of the most spectacular moments in the history of this event, none greater than going 6-0 in Team Ninja Warrior, which was sparked by winning an unbelievable four heats in one day, but he’s lacked in one crucial statistic…money. And you can bet that he’s more than a little miffed that Drew Dreschel has pulled in $110,000 more. This run is all about one thing, the Mega Wall.
Eyes mentions that Moravsky has hit six straight quallies buzzers, as if that matters. (Oh Miko, he’s going to act like that matters, isn’t he?) Of course, the reason it doesn’t matter, which I hashed out a very long time ago, is that quallies have gotten so difficult that there will never again be a situation where more than thirty competitors make it past the fifth obstacle. Furthermore, given that the finish now has a Speed Pass and cold hard cash potentially on the line, there isn’t any real incentive to ease up on #5; if anything, the producers want it to be a major roadblock.
On #3. Bodge says that Moravsky’s never fallen on a quallie and is incredibly consistent. You can tell that he doesn’t care about speed, sizing up every task and making sure of it. #4, little interesting, but it goes down. #5, and he’s calmly grinding away. Final transition…big drop…no problem. On to the money run! First attempt…well short. Eyes reminds us that he can’t switch to the more reasonable wall, as if he’d even want that. Second attempt…something goes wrong and he aborts the attempt! Not looking good. Eyes bleats about the stupid meaningless buzzers again. Third attempt. Reaches…reaches again…way off.
And of course, Bodge wails that “The Streak” is over, and I don’t remember anyone, anywhere, making any kind of a deal about “The Streak”, probably because he completely made it up. :rolleyes: Good lord, as forced narratives go, this dwarfs the beard bet. :rolleyes: I mean, at least there was a molehill there! God damn. :rolleyes: Eyes tries to console himself by saying that “Moravsky is all but guaranteed to make City Finals.” Hey, you need to remove only two words from that sentence to make it correct! :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
1:07 I am stunned that this wasn’t a thinly-veiled cell phone commercial. Stunned, I tell you.
1:08 Ooh, father and son running the same course, now there an Acceptable Story we haven’t seen in a while! Sadly, Brandon Singletary fails to do his dad, or anyone else, for that matter, proud, falling to defeat on #3. Having two upper-bodiers in a row is making hash of this field.
1:11 Next up is former WNBA superstar Tamika Catchings. Predictably, she has a forgettable run, but credit to NBC for acknolwedging that the WNBA matters. Whatever your opinion of no dunking or slow pace or a high school team could blah blah blah blah, any league that’s found a following and survived for over two decades is legit and worthy of respect.
1:20 Garrett Lam has impressive academic credentials, but who cares because we’re going to make caring for his special-needs brother 100% of his identity! Hahh…this is one of those quallies, isn’t it? :smack:
1:30 Hey, what’s Jamie Rahn been up to lately? An afternoon with a boatful of fans? Dang, that sounds really cool; I’d definitely like to see more of that. Y’know, provided it wasn’t just tiresome chants and boring discussions about losing his shoe that one time, which I get the sinking feeling it was. Now let’s…aw, geez. Going barefoot on a stone floor at night sounds like a totes brilliant idea. :rolleyes::smack: He looked strong out there, and I would’ve liked for him to take a shot at Mega Wall, but he has a The Streak of his own (seven) and I guess he didn’t want to risk letting his fans down. Sheesh. Someday someone is going to seriously regret preserving these meaningless milestones, you heard it here first.
1:31 Alyssa Beird puts up a highly respectable effort; can’t quite figure out #5 but still has easily the best women’s run of the night. The only other thing of note was Michelle Warnky and Jesse “Clubhouse” Labreck jumping the wall in the middle of the run, and it’s a testament to how respected they are as competitors that security did not immediately jump on them and beat them to a pulp. I was actually a tiny bit afraid that something like that would happen.
1:40 I got chills hearing Chris Wilczewski scream going up last year’s Mega Wall. Perfectly encapsulates just how hard he’s willing to fight for recognition. No such luck this year, unfortunately. With most of the top competitors coming up short, it looks like we could be headed for our first cashless episode of the season.
1:42 Dave Cavanagh has the best quallie of his life and easily finishes with the top time. With only one competitor left, this guarantees him a spot on the Power Tower. All right, now that he’s finally has a real accomplishment, can we please come up with a less utterly, revoltingly pathetic nickname than “King Of The Walk Ons”?? :smack: Pretty please? Seriously, that is worse than “Sparkly Ninja”, it is that bad. I don’t know how many more snarky substitute nicknames I have in me.
1:51 And here comes the star of the show, Najee “Albatross” Richardson. He minced no words about what he’s after tonight: ten thousand clams. Much like Moravsky, he plays conservatively and saves his strength for what really matters. He’s there. First attempt…whiff. Second attempt…a few inches short. Third attempt…short again. There will be no Mega Wall finsiher tonight. That’s…unexpected. I don’t like that nobody’s made any money, of course, but in a sense it’s best to get this over with now. Much like Moravsky and his The Streak.
1:56 Power Tower! Tonight’s matchup is Conor Galvin versus Dave Cavanagh, and if you told me that none of the big names would come even close…well, it’s happened before, so I guess nothing special. It’s even until the horizontal balance bar, where Galvin loses his footing, followed quickly by his confidence. Cavanagh has no trouble with his balance and is soon pulling away. Eyes’ last-ditch horse race narrative does jack squat to slow him down, and he has a decisive win. I bet Eyes is so impressed that next season he’ll be calling him the Emperor of Walk Ons! :rolleyes:
1:58 Somewhere there is a fan with a t-shirt design of a teary-eyed pig learning that he just got eliminated from quallies because he could’ve taken Warped Wall but got greedy, tried Mega Wall, and failed, and below it is the message “PIGS GET SLAUGHTERED”, and he’s just seen yet another week where every single person who failed Mega Wall made it to siffies, and he’s starting to get the first nagging little doubts as to whether his absolutely brilliant idea is ever even going to get off the ground.
Okay, maybe not, but this show has given us stranger things.
Bunch of stuff tonight. Some of it less than predictable. I think this calls for one last round of highlights. Doesn’t seem like anyone else is posting at the moment. Fun times. Let’s go.
Sooo, what real sports tieinitutde can we expect from Cincinnati? Lessee, they have the Bengals, quite possibly the most infamous doormat in the history of American pro football, and that’s before you get to the nasty stuff (here, just watch), and the Reds, who are currently dead last in the NL Central. Sheesh. Should’ve just went to Boston. Yes, the YouTubers are going to grumble about “bandwagoning”. YouTubers grumble about everything! Deal with it!
0:03 James Wilson comes out accompanied by Andy Dalton, a quarterback who I assure you is not in the same galaxy as Tom Brady. I’m reminded of how Got Milk went with Trent Dilfer for their post Baltimore Ravens’ Super Bowl ad despite the fact that he had maybe the 25th biggest impact on his team’s victory. I’m seeing the same thing here, a team where the real stars are all so…problematic that there’s really no choice but to latch onto the QB. He’s a hometown hero, which is of course the freaking kiss of death in ANW.
Oh, look! Wife! :rolleyes:
On to the actual run, where Eyes laments that he’s never hit a buzzer. That doesn’t strike me as particularly noteworthy, particularly when he makes mistakes like he did on Wing Nuts, allowing his foot to hit the second nut. He’s unable to deal with a moving target and splashes.
0:06 Johnnie Pietila. Oh, look, overpopulation and reducing family to numbers, that’s totally a positive thing! :mad: He promises that if he completes the course, he’ll hit the buzzer 119 times. He’s not quite that good, of course, but when it eventually happens, I want NBC to show all 119 presses in real time. Just because you freaking can. I mean, good gravy, you’ve wasted so much of my life with insect eating and boneheaded skits, give me the kind of novelty that’s only pointless, dammit!
0:13 Amanda O’Dell in her own words: “When people typically think of a lunchlady, they think of a much older woman with like a mole somewhere on her face and a big poofy curly hairdo and serving disgusting food.” Damn…offensive stereotypes have gotten complicated since I was in grade school. I remember a time when “slanty-eyed” or “hooknosed” was plenty sufficient.
0:24 Mike Bernardo, who has a Very Acceptable Story for us all: Last September he suffered a serious neck injury on the job and it looked like he’d never compete again. Which, of course, the show plays up as this big tragedy; they even got music, for crying out loud. Huh…facts, folks. 1. This is his 10th season. 2. He was never that great. 3. The one thing he could have conceivably made a name for himself on, Super Salmon Ladder, has been resoundingly lunch-eaten by Sean “Church” Bryan so hard that Amanda O’Dell came in to serve him seconds. Well, we all know what’s going to happen here: He proceeds at a much slower pace than at his peak but still manages to avoid mistakes and go up the Wimpy Non-Mega Wall and Eyes and Bodge trump it up as this wonderful inspirational tale and He Is Now Baaaaaaaaablah blah blah freaking blah. I do give him credit for always screaming around the camera, however. That level of consideration is all too rare among our contenders, even the long-timers.
0:37 Cameron Nave, who recently lost his dad. And is the “Kilted Ninja”. And that’s as much time as anyone needs to waste here. :smack: (Jeeziz, two sob stories in a row? Did someone at NBC suddenly realize they were under quota or something?)
0:47 Tyler Yamauchi, who if nothing else is one of the biggest overachievers this contest has had. No one’s immune to missteps, unfortunately, and his comes on Spinning Bridge, where two misplaced feet spell doom. He says afterward “I didn’t take enough speed to the platform.” To know right away how you messed up? That’s painful.
0:49 And in the spirit of two-allegedly-quirky-things profiles, Jackson Twait gives a two-fer: He’s a cat person and…rides a scooter. Boy, the glurge is feast or famine tonight, isn’t it? :dubious: And then he breaks out the frickin’ cat puns and I’m on the express train to Nopeville. :smack: Hit the buzzer mundane time happy happy whatever.
0:58 Oh, now wasting ridiculous amounts of time with godawful dancing is a bad thing. :mad:
1:00 Michelle Warnky is here! Experience: 2nd woman to conquer Warped Wall! :dubious: I mean, for crying out loud, that’s the best you could come up with?? You sure you don’t want to touch her team event records? I know there’s no beef with USA, dammit! All right, Warnky…oh my. That’s a nasty cut she got on Ring Toss. But she’s a fighter, so…yeesh, I do not like it when someone bleeds that much and smiles. Really uncomfortable. Warnky does hit the buzzer, which is fine, but this is one of those times I’m definitely glad to move on to something else.
1:11 At the start of the show Brandon Mears and Dan Polizzi boasted that “The Towers of Power are going to the Power Tower!” Now they’re up and…oh my, cutesy predictions really do not have a good track record, do they? Both out on Slingshot. See you in oh you get the picture.
And now…oh you gotta be…it’s Ethan Swanson. Who comes out in a freaking burning swan T-shirt. He made a vanity logo to show just how swanny swan swan he is. But that’s not the worst of it…no, that’d be the utterly asinine arm flapping done by him and his many fans all freaking night. Look, I’ll say it again: The one sport that’s an appropriate nickname for is figure skating. Got that? Figure. Skating.
Haaaaah…well, you all know what’s coming. He has a bunch of videos where he does stunts, most of them falling considerable heights (and in fact that’s what he was famous for before swanawanawanawanawanawanawanadingdong), so Imma call him “Lemming”.
And of course he completes the course with the top time, which makes it all the more of a shame that he was so fixated on the top time that he never even considered Mega Wall. Seriously, is Daniel Gil the only one here with any backbone? Man, you really are a lemming. Which is, appropriately enough, your nickname, lemming.
1:22 Um…ahhhhhh… :dubious: You…I mean… :dubious: You do know that wrestling isn’t real…right?
(Again, why the hell do Cincinnati Bengals cheerleaders get excited about anything?)
Drew Lachey is a former pop star who does exactly as well as you’d expect a former pop star to, taking a dive on Ring Toss.
1:25 The walk-on lottery. Nope, glorifying getting lucky hasn’t gotten any less nauseating. (Heh. More like the nine minutes ninja, am I right? :p)
1:32 It’s still weird seeing something as simple as Jump Hang and remembering that this used to be a Ninja Killer. Seriously, there was one Sasuke where it took out like two-thirds of the field.
1:33 Now it’s time for Jessie Graff’s big rival for Queen of the Amazons (like how I snuck a Wonder Woman reference in there? ;)), Jesse “Clubhouse” Labreck. All right, we already know about how she cared for a special-needs patient and got involved with Chris Digangi, but the real story is how she came off a phenomenal and completely unexpected triumph at Ninja vs. Ninja. The preview has to show her taking out Ian Dory. I mean, that’s a no-brainer. So…
…it’s all about getting engaged to Digangi.
That’s it. Start to finish.
Haaaaaaahhhh. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: Ooh, made it out of quallies the past two seasons, that’s certainly a titanic world-shattering achievement! :rolleyes: Finishes, top ladies’ time, meh.
1:43 Still no Mega Wall, with Michael Torres being the latest…OH, CRAM IT UP YOUR PIEHOLE, EYES! :mad::mad::mad:
1:44 Okay, you know what…I’m a Pump It Up player. Recently got serious about it again. And I don’t consider what I do on it dancing. Yeah, I know it’s a “dancing game”, but I’m not dancing. It’s fun, something of an achievement, definitely a workout (especially at level 6), but not dancing. But I will say that it’s a helluva lot closer to dancing than whatever the freak Grant McCartney insists on wasting ten minutes before and after every goddam run doing. :smack::mad:
Let’s just skip to the only thing worth a damn about this run, or McCartney, for that matter, the Mega Wall. He looked for a little while that he wasn’t going to attempt it, but he, ahem, changed his mind. Yeah, definite :rolleyes:. First attempt…oooooh, barely got a hand up but couldn’t pull himself over! He could be regretting his decision…
…but he doesn’t, as the second time he makes it easily!
So once again a marginal second-tierer who never accomplished much in his ANW career is a quallie’s sole breadwinner. He has some choice postrun comments, as follows: “Friggeea jaaaaaawwwwwb! Dash rawwwb! Wajja gesh ruggaw desh rai! Wajja goona gawa dab rai!” Word.
1:54 All right, we’re just about ready for the final Power Tower duel of the season, Ethan “Lemming” Swanson against Jackson Twait. This one looks like it has the potential to be a…
Oh, of all the…“DO NOT ATTEMPT??” Really? You thought that was a thing that needed saying? His thing is arm flapping! Arm flapping! That goes on freaking forever! Seriously, this has the potential to become more insufferable than the tomahawk chop! Does that sound like someone anyone with a tenth of a brain wants to emulate in the first place? Well, does it??
Haah. :rolleyes:
And now, a fricking chant duel, and I now officially cannot take another microsecond of quallies. :mad: Swanson falls behind early but pulls ahead on the upper-body section and wins, not that close. Woo hoo. And he caps off the night with a Leap of Faith. (I’m a bit surprised I still know what that is despite not giving a rip about Assassin’s Creed for quite some time, much less playing any of it.) My, that was very…lemming-like of him!
Well, so far this new-look ANW has been…revelatory, if nothing else. Quallies was definitely more interesting and less soul-numbing than recent seasons, but there weren’t any really thrilling moments. Mostly the higher number of 3WAs, along with the complete neutering of the results, gave me the impression that we weren’t supposed to get really emotionally invested at this early stage. Right now I am very intrigued as to just how siffies are going to play out. With old names on the decline and Acceptable Stories no longer the main focus, there’s the potential for genuine intrigue, if not star breakouts. As long as it’s more fun than quallies, I’m a happy man!
In case anyone was curious, I have copy/pasted this from reddit (no reason not to think it’s accurate):
Also note that Ian Dory competed in Cincy, but was DQ’d for grabbing a rope on the spinning bridge.
So… what do people think of the new format for city qualifiers, with the mega wall and power tower? I like them both individually, and I think it’s WAY more interesting than in past years, but I don’t think the way they interact is particularly good… when a bunch of the top ninjas end up trying the mega wall and failing, we don’t end up with the top two ninjas duelling on the tower, which is a shame.
I look at it this way: Only one man gets the Speed Pass, but there’s no limit to how many can go for the money. Since everyone who fails Mega Wall still qualifies for siffies (ahem), that means the only real drawback is not having a chance at the Speed Pass…not a guarantee, a just a chance…and that’s IF he’s potentially fast enough to be in the top two for that week. After quallies, only one man gets the $100,000 grand prize, and that means reaching to stage 3 and at the very least not stinking up the joint on it. Bottom line, a Faaaaast Tiiiiime doesn’t materially help anyone’s financial prospects in the slightest; all it’s really good for are bragging rights and largely meaningless streaks.
I say if you have any shot, do Mega Wall. Hell, do it just to say you did it. Now if you’re clearly not up to it, yeah, find, do Warped Wall and save some energy. But only then.
I’m not really concerned about “interacting”. If NBC wanted to make it “fair”, they could take the Walls out of the equation completely and give the Power Tower to the fast two through 5 obstacles. While it might make for a more exciting battle, they’d take serious heat for that, especially since daah waw is supposed to mean something now. Bottom line, it’s an all-out battle between two strong athletes, and that’s always fun to watch (you have have deduced that from my elaborate team event recaps), so I’m not concerned about whose names are on the marquee.
Siffies! Or as NBC calls them, City Not-Qualifying-Not-Finals-Finals To Qualify For The Real Finals In That Other Big Glitzy City! Should’ve just gone with Stage Zero! Simply and catchy in a cheesy video game sort of way! Should go nicely with the actual ANW video game! The big change this year (other than the Power Tower, of course) is that only the top twelve make it through to Stage 1, as opposed to fifteen from previous seasons. The bar has been raised, and we could be seeing plenty of very good efforts which would have made it in the past come up just short.
Very little in the way of stories this year. Huh. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that NBC has seen the light and is easing off on the fluff (which propelled this back to “Best Reality TV Show Bar None” status :)), but this seems kinda…sudden. I don’t seem to recall a massive groundswell of complaints or news about a major new direction. Anyone have any insight as to why this very welcome change of direction happened? Just curious.
Well, I was looking forward to going through the profiles and snarking on them one by one like I did I in the past (fun!), but since there hardly were any, I’d think I’d better stick with the good ‘ol highlight reel.
0:00 One thing that really sticks out about the new-look ANW is how aggressively in-your-face the production is about spelling out things. Like, there wasn’t ever any confusion about “bee daah waww”, right? You have the competitor right there in front of Warped Wall sizing it up, it’s an easy concept to understand, right? And yet…in the 11th season, mind you…they apparently now need multiple giant video screens with “BEAT THAT WALL!” emblazoned on them. Something similar happens here with “CITY FINALS” literally plastered across the entire width of the screen. No, it’s not “semifinals” “cityfinish” or “sillyfiddles”! You will refer to this stage of the competition by its proper terminology, dammit!! This comes across as heavy-handed, obviously, but in a sense it’s simply the next step in the evolution of the event…bringing in the casuals. This event doesn’t have a tremendous amount of mainstream recognition, and if codification helps build an audience, well, more power.
0:01 “SAFETY PASS” and “$1,000,000” get the same treatment. “$100,000” doesn’t appear all night, which I think is a real insult to Drew Dreschel. He worked his butt off to get to Ultimate Cliffhanger slightly faster than Sean Bryan, dammit!
0:03 One of the weird things about this show is that, due to the extremely condensed nature of the presentation, combined with certain, ahem, editorial decisions, you’re watching essentially a completely different cast every week. Good for diversity…well, kinda…but it makes it tough to get invested in these athletes or their stories. Case in point, Brian Burk, who is apparently this big feel-good story, and I couldn’t tell you why with a gun to my head. Seriously, I have no recollection of who this guy is. None. At all. Anyway, he has the typical feely-goody overachiever opening run, clearing eight obstacles in way more time than anyone who has any aspirations for Stage 1 should be comfortable with, which should be just about enough to earn him a 10-second waiweewuwwawei spot in Vegas. Also, of all the lazy, trite, unimaginative, zero-effort ANW nicknames I’ve heard, “Burkinator” is easily in the bottom 10. :rolleyes:
0:11 Okay, time for our obligatory real-sport boost…the CHARGERS?? Really, NBC?? In a city with the Lakers, Rams, Kings, and Dodgers, not to mention UCLA and USC (You did a team competition with them, remember)? Hell, the Clippers are getting hot and could be poised for a breakout next season, and you went for the freaking San Diego transplant with zippo fan support. Ye gods.
That was the second biggest misstep you made here. The first, of course, was allowing the cheerleaders to wear all-black long-sleeved shirts and pants. I mean…good Yukari, I don’t even know where to begin with this. Never mind that it’s freaking SUMMER in freaking LOS ANGELES…ladies…you are goddam cheerleaders. Your job is to look pretty and act perky. That is why you were brought here. That is your role. That is your obligation. So if the camera is going to cut away from every goddam run five times to show us eye candy, I expect to freaking see eye candy. If you want to wear frumpy, dumpy rags while inanely waving around bits of tinfoil and doing numbnut chants, you are perfectly at liberty to do so off-camera. Okay? Okay.
0:13 Verdale Benson…aw, geez, here it comes. HOO RAH! HOO RAH!..and that’s it? “I’m a serviceman, go me,” and that’s it? I’m liking this new direction! So the run begins and…oh man. In prelims they have infinite time, and by gum they are going to use it! That’s why siffies always has had the worst pacing of all the stages of ANW, and even more now that we have a lot more strong contestants who can go far. He does somehow manages to nail eight, but with the cutdown that definitely puts him on the edge.
0:24 Anna Shumaker. Don’t remember anything about her. No profile. Fails on Warped Wall. Didn’t think that still happened. Still should be enough to make it through. Next.
0:33 Kevin Bull, who’s made it to Stage 1 every year he’s competed. Not sure who’s compiling all these stats for a sport that pays nearly everyone jack squat and has zero applicability to any other sport, but thanks for giving these athletes a purpose. Bull, you’ll remember, juuuuuuust missed out on a shot at the Power Tower six weeks ago and is no doubt feeling tons of seething resentment right now, same-calm-focused-expression-he-always-has notwithstanding. He sets a blazing pace through eight (by far the fastest of the night) but can’t quite keep his grip on the tricky Leap of Faith and splashes. Bulls can fly, but they sure can’t swim! Or something. Moving on.
0:37 Profile of Jonah Bonner. He’s a gondolier who works the harbors of Southern California, which is apparently this really weird thing, which just goes to show you just how far downward NBC has to scrape for allegedly “weird” stories in siffies. Gondoliering is pretty strenuous work, so it’s a great way of getting in shape for ANW. Hey, that’s actually good to know! Thanks! And then he has to fricking sing…and…oh my goodness, I don’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s actually kinda passable! :eek: A lot more tolerable than much of the really bad crap on American Idol and America’s Got Talent, that’s for sure. That’s it, I’m tepidly rooting for him!
Actual run is something of a bummer, as he’s barely able to get past Salmon Ladder before going straight in. With the kind of talent on display tonight, seven is definitely not going to cut it.
0:47 Brian Kretsch. Eyes informs us that he is just one of four competitors who have competed on all 11 seasons. Yo, relevant stats. Winnings: $0. All-star medals: 0. Team event championships: 0. USA vs. The World wins: 0. Yeah, definitely a life well spent. :rolleyes: Gotta wonder, though, if there really is going to be a hard-fought race between the four to see which one will last the longest and what the reaction from the fans is going to be.
All right, profile…sick dad. Whatever. On to the course. He’s lost a step, but his fundamentals are sound…and how about that, he’s the first person to clear Leap of Faith. Spider Trap is no problem after that, of course, and he’s the first finisher of the night at 5:42.71. Leap of Faith looks really tricky for some reason; it’s looking like it’s going to be a race to eight for most of the field.
0:59 Ooh, nice bucket list, Corey McCoy! Now all you need is “take off shirt for no reason” and “scream gibberish directly into the camera” and you’ve got page 4 nailed, bro! :rolleyes:
1:00 Profile of Danell Leyva. Huh. How big is men’s gymnastics in this country? I don’t recall ever hearing much when there’s not an actual Olympiad going on at the time. Also stymied on Leap of Faith.
1:09 More stuff with the Chargers. It’s just so bizarre to even think about.
1:11 On to the last woman of the night, Tiana “Tweb” Webberley. Definitely one of the stronger, though not elite, women (after Graff, Clubhouse, Martin, and Warnky they start running together), and she’s in a prime position to lock down another trip to Vegas. Since the top two women are guaranteed spots…wait a minute…hey, did anyone else besides Shumaker make it past Diamond Dash? Anyone? Sheesh, this is like hoping Brooks Koepka makes the cut or the Milwaukee Bucks finish above 500.
Oh, I’m looking at her now, and wouldn’t you know it, her “actual” nickname is still ridiculous and she still looks like something from Mortal Kombat! (Hey, don’t take my word for it!)
The profile is about the time lost to injury from a stunt accident. Oh, geez…how do I put this…look…it’s great that she recovered, it really is. But I am so, so tired of the angle ALWAYS being you’re-never-down-and-you-can-achieve-anything-you-put-your-mind-to. Just once I’d like to hear about the dedicated medical professionals who helped her when she was hurt and freaking allowed her to recover in the first place. It’s always “God” this and “human spirit” that; why doesn’t anyone give a huge shout out to the people who actually deserve the credit?? For that matter, why doesn’t anyone praise the advance of technology and medical knowledge? Just once, dammit.
Anyway, she gets up the wall no problem, which guarantees her the top women’s spot of the night, and it’d truly rock her if she just stepped off at this point and said that she did enough. Seriously, just call it a night and don’t waste any more energy. What are they going to do, pull your sponsorships? But of course nothing logical is allowed to happen here so she does the honorable blah blah and goes out blah, see you in Vegas.
1:21 Ben Udy, a farmer who goes “Chad Flexington” in his role…oh, hell no. :rolleyes: All right, big guy, your nickname is “chaff”. I don’t have time for this crap. Another victim of Leap of Faith.
1:32 And this Chance At Speed Pass Uber Alles crap has got to stop. Look…Eyes…Bodge…every contestant has to make a choice. Some are really here for the money. Kyle Soderman is one. He decided that a shot at cold, hard cash was worth more than a CHANCE a privilege which would not have realistically increased his chances of MAKING GODDAM MONEY. Furthermore, without the benefit of a time machine, there’s no way to tell if he would’ve made good on his CHANCE, and therefore there’s no grounds for THAT GODDAM DISGUSTING SMARMY JUDGMENTAL ATTITUDE YOU COMPLETE PIECES OF…OF…AARRRRGH! :mad::mad::mad::mad:
Gah. I’m ending this before I completely lose it.
Actually, too late. :mad: Let’s just move on…
1:34 Flip “David” Rodriguez is still on his crusade to end sex abuse. Given how social justice in America advances at a rate that a tectonic plate would find lethargic, that’s incredibly noble of him, and it’s just tragic that he’ll very likely never see any progress within his lifetime. Given his notorious inconsistency, you can bet that he’ll be gunning for the Safety Pass. He finishes at 4:13.48, the best time of the day, so his chances are looking very good.
(Oh, choke on your “sense of urgency”, Bodge, assuming anything’s big enough to fill that space.)
1:45 The last man is Hunter Guerard, who prevailed at the Power Tower in quallies. Eyes mentions that he’s already Punched His Ticket but is now going to go for the Safety Pass with no pressure. Playing and passing both have their benefit, although it’s extremely unlikely that anyone’s going to go for the latter, at least this season. Personally, if it’s my choice, I enjoy a well-earned vacation and go into Stage 1 healthy and confident, but time will tell which is better.
On the profile, Guerard mentions some incredibly obvious facts before reminding us that he has nothing to lose and is going for the Safety Pass with no pressure. Uh, yeah, we got that. He also admonishes us that going Too Fast is deadly, therefore you must know the exact unspecified speed you’re supposed to go at before starting. Just like Bodge is always bleating! This man learned from the best! :smack:
Okay. Clearing obstacles. Fast but controlled pace. Looking very good. Everything is rock-solid. On to Leap of Faith, which has been causing endless headaches tonight. Still looking good. About to make the leap to the last…
…oh. Oh my. That’s… :eek: He banged his head on the final…I don’t know what it’s called, but it’s made of steel, it’s very solid, and it just collided hard with an easy-to-cut part of his face. Which means that he doesn’t get a shot at the Safety Pass and is bleeding like a stuck pig. I’m surprised it was even allowed on the show at all, it was downright disturbing to look at.
I’m sorry, did I say something about going into Stage 1 healthy and confident? All this time the announcers made it sound like there was no possible drawback whatsoever to going balls to the wall. Well, ladies and gents, here’s the drawback. How would you like that weighing on your mind going into Vegas? And it’s not like serious injury is a rare occurrence here…Team Ninja Warrior 2, anyone?
1:54 Flip “David” Rodriguez vs. Brian Kretsch on the Power Tower. Just in case you missed it the first three times, here is Eyes to explain the purpose of the Safety Pass! Twice! I’ve had Church teachings that didn’t have this much redundancy! :mad: We finally get to see the thing, and…it’s a pure upper-body race. Well, if the pass is going to improve their chances of taking home the hundred-K, I supposed they need to be upper-body crushers.
1:56 Nearly ready to begin. Eyes notes how the competitors have a combined twenty years of his experience, to which Bodge says “What?” in an unnaturally high voice because he is a close-minded imbecile. I already did Kretsch, so here are David’s numbers: Winnings: $0. All-star medals: 1. Team event championships: 0. USA vs. The World wins: 0. Should be an epic battle!
And they’re off! And…David runs away with it. Not much else to report.
Verdale Benson, the patient soldier, just made it in at the #12 spot. NBC didn’t show the bubble, but there’s a pretty good chance that at least one competitor who cleared #8 didn’t make it through. I’m pretty sure that after years of finishing in siffies meaning jack squat, there was pressure to force the competitors to do more to advance. Doing away with the really tough obstacles until the end and the cutdown were the first logical step, and I can see a future where clearing 10 or at least 9 is going to start mattering. Good. Reality shows die when the powers in charge don’t acknowledge and fix problems, and NBC is doing just that here.
I think there are two others who really stand out: Barclay Stockett, who I think is definitely better than either Martin or Warnky, and still getting better; and Alyssa Beird, who has beaten stage 1.
I agree that there’s a large clump of good-but-not-great woman ninjas after them, waiting to break out and beat city finals, or beat stage 1, or something like that.
He’s actually my favorite new ninja in quite some time. The character is so over-the-top, but he clearly doesn’t take it very seriously. I mean, his little video features sound effects as he violently and suddenly… eats fruit. And he’s good enough not to just be a joke, either.
FLEXINGTON!!!
Before I begin this week’s…bull session, for lack of a better term, there’s something I have to get off my chest right now. Well, actually, two things. Three if you count both principals in the second.
You’ll recall post #459, where I gave my take on last season’s Stage 1, day 2. (Short version: :mad: Long version: :mad::mad::mad::mad::rolleyes::mad:
:mad:) Well, guess who’s here tonight: Brett Sims and Ryan Stratis. The, ahem, principals in the exercise in slow, agonizing torture that was the beard bet. “Oh c’mon, DKW, that was one year ago!” you’re undoubtedly saying. “Stop harping on the past, for Miko’s sake! Move on!” And I was prepared to do just that…except for one little detail. THEY’RE DOING IT AGAIN. :eek: Yeah, apparently it was such a huge hit the first time, as measured by the number of extra pairs of underwear Eyes and Bodge required, that they’re going to submit us to this goddam most grossly overblown piece of dreck in the history of reality TV, and I’m including Sanjaya Malakar.
But I shouldn’t hurl all my ire at this…mainly because I have to save some for the whole nauseating spectacle of Kenny Niemitalo, whom NBC is apparently determined to treat as this great hero and shining example of humanity for…what was it? Oh yeah, convincing SOMEONE ELSE to make a sacrifice. To recap, his daughter needed a kidney, and since donating one of his own was obviously out of the question (:rolleyes:), he begged and pleaded for someone to make the donation. And someone did! Now, you’d think that he’d at minimum be highly grateful for this selfless donor, maybe give this person front-row seats and plenty of crowd shots (hey, if that face deserved it, someone who actually did something tremendously good sure as hell does), maybe even give some material reward…donation to a charity of this person’s choice, help funding a college education, that sort of thing. Or if not, NBC certainly should’ve been so kind. So what happens? We learn that Niemitalo found his donor, and we learn absolute jack squat about this donor. Hell, it’s treated like a complete afterthought! And what is Niemitalo doing now? Why, begging for yet ANOTHER person who is not him to donate a kidney so that someone he cares about can survive, and he’s so serious about it that he’s joined an organization devoted to begging OTHER PEOPLE to make sacrifices! And for this he gets all the attention, he gets all the praise, he gets all the lionization. Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me if he got all the girls as well. The donor? Nothing. Nothing at all.
I’m not going to mince words here…this offends me deeply. This is symptomatic of one of the biggest enduring malaises of America, that it’s perfectly fine to take credit for other people’s accomplishments and leave them in the cold. As someone who has never…not once, in my entire life…got to be the abuser, the tyrant, the parasite, the goldbrick, the brown-noser, the teflon don, the spoiled brat, the tormentor, the sadist, the pit, the bulletproof golden boy surrounded by bleeding hearts and slobbering sycophants who make excuse after excuse after excuse…I find this attitude absolutely sickening.
I’m putting my foot down right now. After this week, I promise you all that I will not waste one word on Ryan Stratis, Brett Sims, or Kenny Niemitalo until they freaking do something else. I don’t care what. “Crazy, crazy, craaaazyyyyy!” is acceptable.
All right…the show must go on…
0:02 Shot of tonight’s #8, Up For Grabs. I remember seeing something similar to it in…I think it was NvN? It’s kind of like a toned-down Flying Bar, with two large cradles the contestants have to leap bars into. It doesn’t look that complicated and should have a decent success rate. That’s what I’m thinking, anyway.
0:03 Hey, anyone here ever see Tyrone Poole in action? I don’t remember him ever being that big a name. That’s the trouble with being a part of such a massive, transcendental dynasty; it’s really hard to stand out. His run isn’t going to help any in that regard as he quickly bows out on #2.
0:05 Josiah Singleton, our obligatory indoor plumbing-free entrant! :rolleyes: Seriously, NBC, you do realize that not only does a really small percentage of our country live in rural areas, most of them are too poor to waste hours and hours training for a contest that pays jumping jack zilch? He keeps the dream alive for a quite a while but flames out startlingly quickly on Up For Grabs; didn’t even attempt the first jump.
0:12 Neil “CC” Craver, the crazy crazy himself! Who crazies down to a watery crazy on the third crazy! Crazy luck next crazy, crazy! (Phew…and I thought Eric Middleton not making it was a relief…)
0:15 Caleb and Caitlyn Bergstrom share a good-luck hug at the starting line. They’re going for an unusual achievement; they want to be the first ever brother-sister duo to get make it to Stage 1 in the same week. I’ll be rooting for them to succeed, mainly because that means I’ll never have to hear about it again. The less trivial crap Eyes and Bodge get to balloon into the goddam Normandy invasion, the better. Caitlyn goes first. She didn’t go very far in quallies…and doesn’t get far here, barely making it past #4, Hourglass Drop, before being run into the water at Ferris Wheels. It looks like her chances are pretty bad. Key words, “looks” and “like”.
0:26 Good lord, Devin Harrelson’s profile oozes so much conventional middle-of-the-road vanilla pablum, it belongs in a Miley Cyrus video. Of course, “Dougie Fresh” is a royally stupid nickname for multiple reasons (the big one being that his name isn’t Douglas or anything close to it), but I’m not sure if he’s going to get enough airtime that I’ll actually need to make a snarky nicknames. Maybe in a few months. Gets as far as Up For Grabs before collapsing.
0:35 Uh, guys, you do know that the whole point of a waiweewuwwawei is to save time, right? I felt like I was going to be 56 by the time you finished. :rolleyes:
0:36 Oh, geez, Eyes just called Kenny Niemitalo a “lifesaver”. :mad::mad::mad: Nice knowing you! Next!
0:48 Wait, Bodge, how is the big beefcake going out on the balance obstacle “shocking”? Isn’t that where they usually stink up the joint? Damn, Rob “The Adonis” Moravsky wasn’t that long ago.
0:49 All right, our first real stud of the night, Kevin Carbone! He’s a powerful athlete and plenty of fun to watch; I still remember how much he dominated in NvN. So of course, he has to get saddled by THE MOST FREAKING PRETENTIOUS NICKNAME EVER, “The Maker”. Look, I don’t care how creative he is, calling him a freaking god is waaaaaaaaay overboard. Since he’s best known for Wing Nuts (Which, honestly, isn’t as breathtakingly brilliant an idea as Eyes and Bodge are always making it…I mean, c’mon, is “horizontal lache” that exotic a concept?), I think “Wingman” fits, so that’s what I’m going with. And we have our first finisher of the night! Nothing too hard for him anywhere and he set a good pace, so he’s definitely in the running for tonight’s Power Tower.
1:01 Another woman loses her feet on Block Run, and all of a sudden Caitlyn Bergstrom’s lackluster effort looks like it might just be enough. Roo Yori was here too. His run was nothing special, but since he’s all about the dogs, I’d like to take the opportunity to remind you all of my favorite Baha Men Song.
1:02 Travis Rosen, now 44, broke his ankle in Stage 1 last year. That should’ve been the end of it. Hell, after that broken wrist he suffered in TNW1, I thought for sure that was the final straw. And here he is. I again remind everyone of persevering and coming back from mishap for a noble cause…running a homeless shelter, for example…and persevering and coming back from injury to compete in a meaningless reality show that pays nothing. Needless to say, both approaches get the exact same gushing praise from the ever-dependable commentators. :rolleyes: Rosen sets a very slow pace and almost completes Up For Grabs but can’t manage the second cradle.
1:12 Oh, look who it is, Ryan Stratis…what the…he *tore the skin off his hand?? :eek: And this was 100% ON-CAMERA??? :eek: * And Eyes just casually mentions it like he brushed off a bit of dandruff?? Glorifying SELF-MUTILATION now?? Are you guys trying to get sued or something??? :eek::eek::eek:
1:22 Hey, it’s Brett Sims! [redacted] they have a flipping name for that horrible [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] Oh look, wife! [redacted] [redacted] NEXT!!! :mad:
1:23 Jody Freeman. Not thirty seconds into his profile he starts talking about a severe birth defect he was born with, which is just what I needed to hear after Ryan Stratis’ bout of S&M. :smack: Actual run is…mighty good! If you can overlook the moronic chants from the crowd and Eyes’ and Bodge’s suffocating condescension…always an uphill battle, I know…what we have here is a quiet, methodical grinder who gets the job done. Doesn’t quite have enough left in the tank for Spider Trap, but he’s still easily through.
1:34 All right, NBC…announcers…you’ve got to put a lid on all this armed forces worship. Especially when the present-day reality is vastly closer to Camp Swampy (or, y’know, this) than a John Wayne movie. Case in point, the profile for Jessica Clayton, the hoo-rahing hoo-raher, who we see…conducting a PT class. That’s what she is. An aerobics instructor. She has played as much of a role in “defending our country” as Richard Simmons. She goes on to further establish her overwhelming athletic credentials by utterly bungling Hourglass Drop and splashing. Luckily (for her, not us), she was just barely good enough to be the 2nd best woman tonight, which just goes to show you how weak the women’s contingent was in this city, which of course NBC will never admit to because that would require honesty. :rolleyes: Good Yukari, this has been an absolutely brutal night.
1:44 Caleb Bergstrom washes out on Up For Grabs like so many before him (#9 was a complete non-factor tonight, BTW; I can’t remember the last time that’s happened) but was fast enough to make the top 12. Caitlyn locks up the top women’s spot by virtue of being the only women who cleared Hourglass Drop all night…did I mention how painfully feeble the women were in Atlanta?..which means that…yes…we have our first ever brother-sister duo to make Stage 1 in the same week! Heck, the same year would’ve been impressive enough. Congrats, super sibs, you’ve done a real service for ANW and its viewers. More than Kenny Niemitalo or Jessica Clayton, that’s for sure!
1:45 Man, never in my life have I been more overjoyed to see Drew Dreschel. A rock of no-nonsense skill in an ocean of nauseating BS. He, too, is going for a benchmark, one far greater than even the Bergstroms’ recent triumph…the trifecta. He’s already made waves by defying Eyes’ and Bodge’s dictum for the Walls, i.e. you either go for the money or the top two, and if you go for the money when you have a chance at the top two, you are a royal fool who deserves endless ridicule. Dreschel looked at that and said “Screw choosing,” with the result being that he got the cash and the carry. Now, with his spot in Vegas secure, he can go for the Safety Pass full of confidence, and tonight it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone who can stop him.
The run? Not much to talk about…he methodically crushes ten obstacles and Wingman’s time with it. I mean, just no slowdown or quit with him at all.
1:55 It’s Drew Dreschel vs. Kevin Carbone on the unforgiving upper-body bomber known as siffies Power Tower! And they’re off! And…oh my…oh, yikes…Dreschel…he’s completely running away with it…it’s not a contest at all…and he wins. Just like that. Hey, “The Maker”, meet the destroyer.
Dreschel sets yet another milestone with the trifecta. He has been absolutely unstoppable so far, and he’ll be taking insurance to Vegas. Right now he’s looking like a prohibitive favorite to take home another $100,000 payday, and this to go with the $10,000 he’s already won so far. Wow. Thank you, Real Life. You saved tonight.
1:59 So if the Speed Pass winner finishes in the top 12, the #13 guy goes through. Okay, fair enough.
(Didn’t think I’d be ending on a mundane observation, but I take 'em as they come.)