Does anyone have any funny customer service stories? No rants please, let’s keep it light-hearted.
Back when I was in college, in the old days before the internet, I worked in the college bookstore and part of my job was helping to fill mail orders we got through the annual alumni catalog. We used to get some hilarious letters from people with their orders.
One guy was an old retired judge who was looking to buy a sweatshirt and sweatpants for his wife, and proceeded to give us all of her measurements, including one particularly memorable line: “She has a 36” waist but wears size 40 underpants."
Another time we got a package where someone was returning a baseball cap. The cap was completely flattened when we took it out of the package, and the enclosed letter said “I’ve been sitting on this cap for some time, and finally decided to return it.”
As a student, I worked during the Sales Week in the London store Harrods.
I was in the ‘Glass and China’ department and there was an impressive display of large glass displays with engraved animals. The floor manager asked for a volunteer to learn the genuine sales patter about how the artist took weeks to complete each piece and it was all handmade etc.
I mugged up on all that and enjoyed telling potential customers the details.
One day a rather scruffy-looking bloke wandered over to the exhibit. I knew that appearances can be deceptive - so when he asked, I told him everything I knew. He looked strangely at me, then went to the floor manager.
I was nervous, but it turned out I’d got everything right - and the bloke was the artist!
When I was in college, one summer I worked at Gamestop (a video game store). A woman who looked to be about 80 walked in, sort of froze in the middle of the store for a minute, and then came to the counter to ask, “Do you have anything here that a 16-year-old boy would like?”
I worked at Target in the early 1980s, and I still remember the top 4 albums sold prior to Christmas 1983.
“Thriller”, Michael Jackson
“Synchronicity”, The Police
(tie) 3 and 4, because they were always purchased together: “Metal Health by Quiet Riot”, and Def Leppard’s “Pyromania”.
One day, a woman who herself was probably 80 years old set #3 and #4 on the counter, wrinkled her nose a bit, and asked me, “Do you like this music?” I replied, “I’m not much of a fan of these bands, but I do like rock music.” Yeah, she was buying them for a grandchild.
Two decades later, when I was a pharmacist, a product called Hemorid (“Specially formulated for today’s woman”) was being heavily advertised. One afternoon, an elderly man who had about 4 teeth and didn’t smell very good held up a package and when I told him that the gimmick was probably because it was in a pink box, he replied, “Them things ain’t gonna look at the box!” and bought it. Never saw him again, so IDK how well it worked for him.
Some years ago at the Needles district Canyonlands visitor center - a trailer in those days, a fellow in a humongous motorhome demanded to know where the “other road” was leading out of the park, he was adamant there was another paved road other than the one he drove in on. He wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Ca. 1990, I dated a man who owned a used-record store, and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME someone purchased Prince’s “Lovesexy”, they would cringe and say, “…the cover…”
He also played classical music as closing time approached, or if he had some customers that he thought might cause problems. It never failed to amaze him who turned out to know what it was and appreciate it.
I was trying to help a guy who was having problems with his Skype for business. I contacted him via Skype and asked a few questions. His response was “You’re not on Skype”. If that’s the case… then how are we talking?
Very abbreviated story:
Caller: Your pizza driver picked his nose and put it in my pizza!
Me: The driver isn’t back yet, where is the pizza?
Caller: I have it right here.
Me: So, you saw my driver pick his nose, put the booger on your pizza and you PAID FOR IT?
Silence
Caller: I’ll have my lawyer sue you!
Me: Fine. Do what you will.
Almost an hour later I get a call from some guy claiming to represent this crazy woman.
Caller: I’m Douche McFakeperson and I represent Miss Sucksatscamming
Me: What firm are you with?
Silence
Me: Nice try fuckass. Never heard from them again.
“Last month my payment was due on the 24th, this month I’m calling you on the 18th and you’re telling me it was due on the 16th?”
“Oh, well, there’s holidays and weekends and some months have 30 days and other months have 31, so…”
“No month is 23 days long, why are these due dates 23 days apart?”
“Well, they vary based on weekends and holidays and how many days are in the month.”
“Are you sure they don’t wildly fluctuate to generate revenue from late fees?”
“I don’t know. Could be.”
“That’s unbelievable! You’re fucking thieves!”
“SIR, I won’t tolerate that kind of language, we are PROFESSIONALS.”
“Well please accept my sincerest of apologies, certainly my wording just won’t do, YOU’RE PROFESSIONAL FUCKING THIEVES!”
My mother once went to the local record store to pick up tickets my brother had ordered for a concert. The band, you ask? The Butthole Surfers. My mom must have been 65 at the time and never told the guy behind the counter that they weren’t for her. She had a big laugh.
This happened a few years ago when I was working in a pizza place. It helps to know that I’m male.
A guy periodically called and ordered sexually suggestive toppings on his pizza. I was not the only one to take his calls, but took 3 or 4 of them. The last time was most memorable.
So on that call, he orders pubic hair, only I have to ask him to repeat 3 or 4 times, because he was laughing too hard at his supposed wit (he was really bad at this). I finally understand what he “wants” and decide I’ve had enough of this clown. So I answer something like this: “We don’t have that topping, but I have a salami that you can suck on.” Then I hang up on him. I’m hoping that’ll be the last I ever hear from him.
Well, it wasn’t quite, and this part may sound like a overly-cliched sitcom, but it really happened. A half minute or so after I hang up, I get another call and it’s him. And I kid you not, he starts off saying “Were you serious about that offer…”. Me: <click>
Male or female pubic hair? Do you have any idea how old he was? If he was older than 12, he must have had some mental issues. ETA: And how did your manager feel about you hanging up on a customer?
Again at the pharmacy: I got a phone call from a giggling tween who asked me, “How old do you have to be to get birth control pills?” With a straight face and voice, I replied, "You have to get a doctor’s prescription - " and she hung up on me.
Sounded older than 12, mid-teens would be my guess.
Didn’t tell my manager about it. In fact, I don’t think I told anyone about it at that store. Doubt if my manager would care; it’s not like this guy was a real customer. I wasn’t the only one who took calls from him, so my mananger probably already knew about the him. Thinking about it, my manager at the time would probably have laughed about it.
About 25 years ago I worked at a pizza place downtown. There was a “homeless hotel” above us, so we got an interesting cast of characters in the store every day. One of my favorites was a guy who walked in and asked if we served hamburgers. I replied “no, just pizza.”
“Can’t eat pizza,” he said, then pointed as his mouth. “No teeth!”
He walked out, and we were cracking up. Then a coworker brought up a good point: he can eat hamburgers?
Nowadays, some pizza places offer sprouts as a topping. That might have satisfied him.
Another Target story: The customer service desk was run by a very kind and patient middle-aged woman (who also had 5 kids). One day, two kids walked up to the counter and asked her to page Harry Crotch, which she proceeded to do TWICE before someone told her why everyone was snickering.
I worked in a very small computer store for a few months. Most days there were just two of us in the store, one owner and myself. The other owner worked weekends and would sometimes come in after finishing his day job.
I took a call one day from a customer needing tech help so I referred them to the repair department. Thing is, the “repair department” was just a friend of the owners and happened to be visiting at the time.
Never saw him again, so IDK how well it worked for him.
Do you have any idea how old he was? If he was older than 12, he must have had some mental issues. ETA: And how did your manager feel about you hanging up on a customer?