An apology to Kansas City for shatting on you.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

While driving cross country alone last week I had the occassion to spend an evening in lovely Kansas City, MO.

I stayed in a nice little hotel at the top of what you call “The Plaza”. It was about a 4 block walk to the shops and restautants, which was fine with me.

So I browsed the bookstores and the shoppes (the ones that were open on a Sunday!) and finally settled in to have dinner at one of your fine steakhouses (which shall remain nameless for obvious reasons).

After a steak dinner and 2 glasses of wine I began my walk back to my rented abode. I decided to call my wife and chat with her during my promenade.

Then I felt it. A twinge in my gut that could only be a massive, violent shit coming on. I began to sweat. My gait took on a slightly hinched attitude. I told my wife I loved her and abruptly ended the call.

I needed to concentrate. I needed to exercise complete sphincter control. I was in need of sphincter zen.

*Dear Lord,

Please help me to not crap myself. Please keep the poop inside until I reach the hotel toilet, clean and cool as it is…*

It did not seem I was in the Good Lord’s favor. Was it something I did? Something I said? Perhaps something I ate?

I turned the corner to climb the hill to my hotel. I think it was actually Main Street. Closed businesses lined the street. People walked about, enjoying the Sunday evening.

I have to shit. My bowels are either going to blow out my eyes or my anus. I choose anus. I drop trow behind a nominally private bush and spray it with the contents of my lower intestines like a proud lion marking his territory. The smell was noxious. I pull up my pants and begin to stride for home. Instead of longing for a toilet, now I pined for a shower.

The hotel was pretty empty, and I slid into the elevator alone. As the door closed a lady stuck in her foot. She joined me along with a sttroller and her baby. I could tell by the look on her face that she smelled something. Then she apologized, saying she had just changed her baby a little while age ago. She thought it was her baby and I wasn’t going to 'fess up. I just smiled, secure in the knowledge that I was leaving KC the next morning and would never see her again.

I spent the next day driving across Kansas with the stomach flu.

I just wanted to apologize for shitting on downtown Kansas City,MO.

Sorry.

2

Since we just had our Kansas City Dopefest on the Plaza, I think it’s nice that you told us what that smell was. :wink:

And no one believe me when I said that I had seen smoke coming from behind a bush…

3

Well, they’ve kicked all (or almost all) of the original tenents out of the Plaza, so don’t feel too bad; your bout of… irritable bowels wasn’t due to a good, original, KC steak. …Right? You ate at Friday’s or something crappy like that… Right?

4

I think it may have been good steak gone bad…

I did not eat at Fridays…

Houston’s.

5

Eh, Houston’s is alright (I prefer to order their regionally-excellent salmonella, not that overrrated stomach flu crap they get frozen and just thaw), but I prefer–when it comes to steaks on the Plaza without the result of bush-crapping–the charred cow flesh of the Plaza III. One of the best steak houses in Kansas City, they is.

And hey, just out of curiosity, but did you have to procure a license from lieu to shit all over this thread? He’s the Big Bowels around here, so I was just wondering. I mean, if we don’t need his brown blessing… imagine the possibilities!

6

Well I will be back in KC next week and will give Plaza III a shot. Is it near Houston’s?

7

It’s a few blocks away, on the south side of the Plaza. It is quite good–upscale service, upscale prices, food quality top-notch. Another Plaza restaurant for which I could make the same comments is Fedora. More of an artsy menu, geographically closer to Houston’s.

My understanding of stomach flu is that it takes more than a few hours for symptoms to occur. I’m wondering if it was a prior meal that might have brought it on.

8

Relatively so, yes. I mean, assuming that you’re not busting to the rim with your own special, lumpy mixture of Brim, all shops within the Plaza are within a couple of block’s of easy walking distance. (Your previous walking experience was anything but easy.) The Plaza III is next to what used to be Houlihan’s, but is now some California Pizza place. The prices are high (a $30-$40 steak is normal for the less expensive cuts), but I think they’re worth it. They also prepare a tasty salmon dish if you’d rather eat fish. And, of course, while they have a good wine selection, they invariably throw in bottles that you know you can get at the grocery store for $8-$10. The wine steward must get his share, though. :slight_smile: