I would like to apologize to the people past, present and future who have walked through the fart clouds I have emitted in descreet public places. I am profusely sorry that I cannot control my rectum. Yes, have the pop up read about farts. Like a moth to a flame, dopers can’t stay away from bodily functions.
I would like to apologize for all the pens I’ve subconsciously borrowed over the years. Especially pharmacuetical pens. They write so nice.
I would like to apologize for the way I park my truck. On and over the lines. I do not honor the standard parking system and I am comfortable with my inadequacies and rebelliousness. If I have ever annoyed you for straddling the line, I profusely aplogize.
I apologize for fumbling for my discount card at the grocery store. I KNOW I should have it ready before my checker begins scanning, but nooooooooo…there I stand, daydreaming about how I’m going to prepare the chicken that’s speeding down the conveyor.
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR JEWEL CARD? DO YOU HAVE YOUR JEWEL CARD?”
Well, yes…yes I do. I’m just too fucking self-centered to have it ready when I approach the coveted “Number One” spot in line. I suck. And I’m sorry, OKAY?
Psssst… Shirley, that’s why you live in a state where it SNOWS. Nobody is expected to park between the lines, cuz you can’t SEE the lines 6 months out of the year. OK, OK, you live down there in trollville, so maybe it’s only like 4 months out of the year… but that’s more than enough to claim that lines are superflous and silly and you just never seem to notice them anyway, no apologies needed.
Oh…and Shirley? That whole fart thing would be forgiveable if you were to do it in a crowd. Point and blame…point and blame. But if it’s you, the victim, and an elevator, sorry…YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!
I would also like to apologize to the nice ladies at my local library whom are so nice to me. If I had money, if I weren’t broker than a ho, I wouldn’t spend all my free time there like some kind of stalker.
I work at a pharmaceutical company, so have gotten my share of free pens. We must not be buying them from the right place, because many of them are pieces of crap. There is one, however, that’s lasted me a good long while.
I don’t think I can apologize enough for the ass bombs I’ve dropped over the years. I typically don’t fart and flee, but sometimes I can’t help it. And sometimes I’m not expecting it to peel paint, but it ends up that way. Then I feel horrible for not holding it in.
I apologize for sometimes flossing in my cubicle. I eat breakfast at work, and that hot cereal just sticks in there like crazy. Now, I’m not doing it when I have guests or anything, but sometimes someone will pop in while I’m doing it, and I’m sure they think it’s gross. But hey! Dental hygiene!
I apologize for putting the things I decide not to purchase in all the wrong places. Do I really need 12 pairs of crew socks even if they are a great bargain? No. Let’s see, they fit in nicely here with the DVDs since someone may be purchasing a workout DVD, and see, they would need socks.
Given that rationalization, maybe I should retract my apology.
The library that I use has sign specifically asking people not to reshelve their books but to put them in the cart by the end of the shelves. Maybe they’re control freaks.
