In the abstract I have long known that there are people for whom chatter means charging, not draining, their batteries. (For me silence is restful, meaningful conversation with people I like is restful and enjoyable, being part or even listening to information-free chatter is acutely stressful).
It occurs to me now that I have done these people a grave injustice, by feeling the wrong thing about their actions to me.
When I am emotionally tired or merely suffer from too little sleep, and someone else reacts to that and engages me in conversation, this has up to now annoyed me to the point of snappishness and looking daggers.
What I have not really realized until now is that what they do is not necessarily out of obliviousness or even hostility but may well have been meant as a kindness by their lights - meaning not to add another stressor but a restful influence.
I appreciate that they practically must misunderstand not talking for feeling lonely.
Ah well, another thing to tackle in my quest not to be an asshole.
Interestingly, I had a similar, inverse epiphany recently. I thought that because I was an introvert something was wrong with me. I kept trying to fix it.
Now I realize I just prefer solitude and one-on-one conversation.
I think one thing you might like to do is accept that, even though you logically know that they aren’t trying to be mean to you, it’s okay to get upset. Just remind yourself that your feelings are not accurate.
One thing a lot of people do when they try not to be assholes is beat up on themselves. Don’t do that.
Yeah, I charge my batteries by being alone so that I have energy to be with people. There are other people who charge their batteries by being with people so that they can be alone.
Understanding the other side of the silence/talk line is good; it is even better when people know which side others live in and can act accordingly.
My mother is a talker; it took some lengthy explanations for her to understand that if she didn’t want to have children who occasionally need her to Shut The Hell Up, she should not have married an introvert Now that she understands, we can work it out as needed.
I would say that’s unfortunately the majority of them, since, well, they’re always verting externally. That’s not to say all or even most extroverts are jerks, but introspection is about as easy for them as being social in a large group is for an introvert, and there’s a social impetus on intros to be social. Not so much on extros to be introspective.
Yeah, although I have known extroverts who have said something like “i’ll be quiet now,” but they are a rare breed. I worked with a guy who just talked, talked, talked over 12-14 hour work days and finally I said “dude, you need to shut the hell up,” and he did and to his credit didn’t hold it against me.
My husband and I recently had these epiphanies. I’m an extrovert. I talk things out, I hate silence. My husband is an introvert. It thinks things out to himself. He loves sitting and reading.
When we would argue, he would shut down and I felt like I was barking at the wind. We’ve come to realize that sometimes I just need to shut up and let him think. And that when he’s had some time to think and has some ideas, he needs to speak up and share them so we can resolve our differences.
Introverts and extroverts can coexist, at least somewhat peacefully!
My husband and I are both introverts - our fights are very quiet.
I do agree that extroverts are allowed to be who they are in peace more than introverts; if I had a dollar for every time someone told me to “Smile!” when I was perfectly content, just not chattering away, well, I’d have a lot of dollars.
Mops–good on you for recognizing this. It took me a long time too, and most days I still forget it! If nothing else, it shows someone is interested in you and paying attention to you, and that’s not a bad thing, eh?
CW–my go-to response for someone saying “Smile!” when I’m just minding mine?
“Never!”
Almost always gets a laugh. But you gotta be real over-the-top with it, just so’s they know you’re kidding.
Oooh, this is so annoying! Alternately, ‘‘You’re too serious’’ or ‘‘You think too much.’’
I had a supervisor last semester who could not grasp the basic concept of introvert. She wrote in my review that I displayed a ‘‘lack of affect.’’ WTF? She complained in the review that I didn’t participate in staff meeting discussions… which usually focused on Person X’s children, talking about other staff members behind their backs, and shopping experiences.
First time I have actually been penalized for just doing my job.
I don’t know, I’m going to say that since you’re on the other side of the coin, you haven’t experienced it, but there is pressure on extroverts to be more introspective. I’m an extrovert and I’ve definitely gotten the social message that sometimes I need to shut the fuck up.
BTW this classic animation by German humorist Loriot shows how an extroverted wife wanting her husband to unwind after work, and an introverted husband wanting to unwind after work, can be at cross purposes (German language but should be understandable. Do watch the last two seconds.)
I think it’s funny how we introverts complain about extroverts, but always wind up around them. They, of course, love having us around; we listen to them without interrupting them!
I only dated one fellow introvert in my dating days - it was like a silent movie!
I was paddling once with a lady that talked and talked and talked. And, not only that, it wasn’t even interesting stuff. Just random, boring, useless fluff. Another guy, who rarely says anything bad about anyone finally told me “she must have been innoculated with a phonograph needle”
Like many things that can be considered rude, I often take into account the persons motives. If the extrovert is bothering me, but their intention is to be friendly/nice to me, I take it in stride. If they are just on automatic extrovert mode and are oblivious to the suffering of those around them…well, thats just rude.
A lot of introverts are quiet, but I’m not. I am extremely introverted, but I can be pretty chatty when I’m not feeling overwhelmed by people. It just has to be the right circumstances – good conversation with one other person, for example, is my favorite pasttime. In those cases I can talk for hours.
Now that she understands, we can work it out as needed.