So I realize nobody’s ever going to read this, but I just gotta share. I have always been fickle with my skin-care. Lotions and potions, in my opinion, come in jars that are far, far too big - I’m never done with them before I’ve grown weary of them. I’ve got drawers and drawers of half-finished bottles and tubes. I go through phases - sometimes I want better living through chemistry, sometimes I want to be able to draw a picture of everything on the ingredients list. But I can’t afford to be a dillettante anymore. Those people who say your skin starts to change in your mid-20’s? They’re right. In addition to that little chin hair that keeps coming back, the past few winters have made me break out in scaly patches that suggest I’m about to slough off my human skin and reveal my true reptile self. I’d be willing to join the Reptile Army if only it has insurance and matches my 401k, if it weren’t so itchy. But! Fickle no more am I, because I have seen the light!
I was in Earthfare a few months ago, only to buy sushi because you know I’m not one of those crazy Earthfare people and I’ll kick anybody’s ass who says I am. But their sushi is great. (And you fuzzy thinking people about to tell me what an evil bitch I am for not wanting people to think I really shop at Earthfare, let me tell you - I once bought a vegan cookie in there by mistake, because I was in a big hurry and it wasn’t labeled a freaking biohazard. Yes, my dear, you people are fruitcakes if you think that’s a tasty treat.) So anyway, they have a huge health and beauty section and I have time to burn, so I stand there in front of the Burt’s Bees products and try to remember what it was that I tried from somebody’s sample pack that I really liked. (The Rosewater and Glycerin Toner - I don’t use it as a toner, I use it as a degreaser in the summer when I want to wash my face but don’t have time. It’s great.) So anyway, I also picked up the Carrot Day Cream that day, and I’ve been using it ever since - a little weird, but excellent.
Ever since then I’ve been picking up a product here, a product there. Got a cleanser for Christmas. Last night I went and got a whole handful of stuff; night cream, hand cream, exfoliant. And I gotta say, Burt’s Bees, thank you.
Thank you, Orange Essence Facial Cleanser. You are really, really weird. You are, in fact, not something I would ever normally put on my face. You come in a metal tube. You’re waxy. You reek of orange. I suspect, deep down, that you’re really for cleaning floors in an infomercial. When I wash my face with you, I get the nagging feeling I’m not getting all of you off. But. You’re the most wonderful most excellent amazing cleanser ever. You’re strong but gentle. You never leave my face feeling tight or “over-cleaned”, but you clean it really good. Bravo, cleanser.
Thank you, Carrot Nutritive Day Cream. You also are a little wacky. The carrot thing, you know. And you smell like distilled carrots, indeed. And I wish you had sunscreen in you. But you’re an excellent moisturizer - at first I thought you were both a little too heavy and not moisturizing me enough, but after a few days I was a convert. You don’t feel too heavy after given a second to sink in, and while you’re a little less willing to cover my whole face than other lotions, with a little care you really are wonderful. Plus, I’ll never run out of you. Ever. You’re pretty eternal, from what I can tell.
Thank you, Beeswax Night Cream. In the store yesterday I looked at you, thinking “Goodness, surely I don’t need night cream. That’s for moms and all.” And then I thought about my application to the Lizard Army, which hasn’t spread to my face but still, and I took you home. When I put you on last night, I didn’t like you at all - you were too heavy, I’m sure you got my pillow kinda nasty, etc. This morning, my face has never felt so nice. I keep wanting to invite people walking through my office to pet my face, but that wouldn’t encourage the sort of professional relationship I’m looking for. It’s like a baby’s ass, if that ass were impeccably moisturized and perfect in every way.
Thank you, Citrus Facial Scrub. I’ve never before seen a facial exfoliant you have to mix up yourself from a dry paste, but hey. You seem like a good egg, although my face this morning was so perfect from the Night Cream that it’s hard to tell too much about your performance.
And thank you, Almond Milk Beeswax Hand Cream. You also seemed too heavy at first, but upon rubbing you in, you are most lovely. Also I love the way you smell. (Take notes, Burt’s - almond milk good, distilled carrot kinda weird.)
But please please please, Burt. Please let the Internet be right about Baby Bee Buttermilk Lotion. I went out today before work and bought some. Let it heal the sick and raise the dead. Let it be the savior of all Mankind. Most of all, let it heal in an instant my lizard patches and make me stop itching! The Internet claims you can do this, Baby Bee - let’s see it. You’re my only hope!
Wow, I didn’t realize I had an epic to write about Burt’s Bees’ skin care line. Er, anybody who’s read this far have their own miracle potions to share?
The stuff makes me very happy. I love the peppermint soap and lip balm, and the cuticle creme is wonderful. Makes my hands smell all lemony.