An open letter to Kim Jong Il

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Mr. Il:

Though we are of different cultures and share little in common, and there is little hope that you will ever read this I nevertheless feel compelled to reach out to you as we are both bound in the brotherhood of humanity. It is by such efforts of fellowship that true inroads can be made towards mutual understanding and peaceful coexistence. I hope, that in this spirit, you recieve this letter and having read it some glimmer of understanding, some meeting of the minds can occur.

Your mother is a whore. You are a girly bitch. I could kick your ass any time I feel like it. Hell, elucidator could kick your ass without effort and he’s a freaking pacificist or something. We are, all of us, laughing at you. We don’t take you seriously.

Your whole country is starving to death, and your a pudgy little freak with bad hair, and big glasses. You are more like a broad ethnic joke than an actual human being. Even your name is a joke. “kim” is a girly name. “Il” means sick.

Oh, and your might missiles, they “Taepodong” and the “Nodong.” Mr. Il, what type of Dong do you have? Nodong. They don’t even fucking work. Your last test fizzled after forty five second.

And your nuclear test?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yeah, right.

That wasn’t even a real nuclear bomb, was it? Pakistan’s nuclear test was fifty times larger thany yours. Fifty times! You got your ass-kicked by Pakistan.

Just admit it, your just set off a whole factory’s worth of firecrackers all at once, didn’t you? You might as well tell us. We already know that you faked it.

Even China thinks you’re pathetic.

Oh, oh, and you’r threatening to put one of your missiles on a type of dong and set it off if we don’t talk to you just by ourself.

We don’t want to have one on one meetings with you because there would be nobody to share the joke with if we met with you.

The South Park guys make fun of you. Everybody makes fun of you.

I just thought you should know.

2

Isn’t this sort of a geopolitical variation on feeding the troll?

3

Dude, you be Ilin’.

4

My advice, Scylla: Always use Spellcheck when dissing a psycho who has nuclear weapons (even if they’re tiny and unreliable).

I before E except after C.

And watch the your/you’re usage.

Other than that, I give it a ‘thumbs up’!

5

Y’know, I was wondering about that. How much TNT would it take to simulate a failed nuke test?

6

On the bright side, it would likely take care of the gophers once and for all, though Scylla might need to repaint the side of his house.

7

Well, the news seems to be saying that the yield was something between a bit over a kiloton to several kilotons. So, call it a couple thousand tons of TNT. That’s a lot.

8

Allow me to add: “I knew Kim Il Sung. Kim Il Sung was a dictator who took over a country and fought a war. And you, sir, are no Kim Il Sung.”

9

Not that your rant wasn’t ass-kicking, name-taking, Chuck-Norris-worthy awesome, Scylla, but…

a) the explosion was roughly slightly smaller than the detonation at Hiroshima, which is still a pretty big-arse explosion (cite: morning edition of the Toronto Star, I’ll try to look it up)

b) the old adage about size not mattering is–in this case–true. It’s not the size of the thing, it’s where Jong-Il wants to explode it. And if he wants to take out a target in Japan or South Korea–or take aim at the U.S.–everybody better get onto that ‘glimmer of understanding, meeting of the minds’ thing really fast.

10

So are we to take it that Scylla would prefer that Kim Jong Il had detonated a really effective nuclear device instead, and if so, Scylla would be saying, “Good job, Kim Jong Il, and by the way, your dong is really great”?

11

One further nit to pick. It’s Mr. Kim. Koreans put their family name 1st, then their given name last. Calling him Jong Il would be a decent insult though, since Koreans never use given names except to little kids.

But other than that, nice rant. Doesn’t he just look like the kid that would have got beat up every day at school?

12

Of course, USGS says the quake was 4.2, so more than 800 kT, if you believe them. NK reportedly told the Chinese that they were shooting for 2 kilotons.

TNT has a density of 1.65 g/cc, or 606 cc/kg
800 tons is about 725000 kg

So they’d need about about 439 cubic meters of TNT to fake a 0.8 kT A-bomb blast.

13

Aw, don’t you know he only wants to talk to us alone because he’s ‘wonely’?

Don’t you remember him singing that song in Team America?

Ever since that movie, I haven’t been able to picture him as anything more than a pathetic little marionette.

Nice little letter, though.

14

It should be noted that the US only recently undertook a very similar test of our own.

North Korea has a massive military force of aging equipment and munitions. Finding a few hundred tons of explosives nearing their expiration date wouldn’t be hard for them. The test site was prepped months in advance. I’m starting to believe the test was fake myself.

15

Last I heard, that particular test had been indefinitely postponed after the public found out about it.

16

Ahh Scyrra, you bleaking my barrs.

17

It’s actually “Mr. Kim.” Jong-il (정일) is his personal or first name.

18

Well, that looks very wrong.

Jong-il (actually, Jeong-il) appears in Korean as 정일.

19

For the curious, Kim ( 김 ) appears in Chinese character as 金, meaning Gold. At least that part of his name is cool.

20

So he’s Mr. Gold? Funny, he doesn’t look Jewish…