An open letter to the hamsters that trashed my email server

Dear rectum-munching rodents,

You’re usually such a good bunch of hamsters, keeping message boards and other computer systems of all sorts up and running under the worst of conditions. But then you did this. It wasn’t enough to crash our campus email system for a couple hours; no, you’ve played that game and grew tired of it. Instead, you had to damage… actually physically damage one of the servers last weekend, leaving much of the university incommunicado during an exam week.

A one day outage I could have lived with. Two days is downright annoying. But a half week? I’m through being patient and nice with you fuckwits. Listen close, and listen well. You’ve earned yourselves a brand spankin’ new circle of Hell below the spammers and kitty abusers, and you’ll be damned glad to have the refuge if I ever get my hands on you.

Look in the mirror. See those cute little hamster cheeks? They won’t be so cute when they’re filled with your own entrails! Have dry lips? Can’t read? Good. Watch what saliclylic acid does to your face when I replace your Chap Stick with Wart Stick! And when I’m done with you, I’ll staple an Iraqi flag to your ass and mail you to Bumfuck, Texas. Just try to mess with Texas. I dare ya.