I started on my ISP a long time ago, so I got a fairly basic screen name to use as my address (and no, it’s not AOL and it’s not Esprix). It’s not like it’s “Joe” or something that a million people would want, but evidently, enough people want it that there are variations of it out there - alternate spellings, adding numbers on the end, whatever. Well, this is addressed to the people who hold their accounts.
Look, I realize I got there before you did. Maybe you’re bitter because you couldn’t get the simple, properly spelled name, I don’t know, but the point is, stop being a lazy motherfucker and, when you give our your e-mail address, give out the right fucking address! Include the numbers, make sure they know the spelling, whatever, but I’m sick and tired of getting all your stupid inane mail - e-mails from your professor about your homework, all your stupid fucking friends sending me chain letters and petitions and glurge, your fucking parents, whoever. And no, these are not random mailings or spam - these are real people trying to send you mail but I get to read all about your insane life instead. And this isn’t just one of you - I’m getting this from at least three different people who don’t know how to give people their proper e-mail address! And the one or two times I’ve found out your address and sent you e-mail about it (or forwarded the important stuff to you), you copped a fucking attitude with me! All I said was, “Please get in touch with these people and let them know your correct address.” You’re lucky I even bothered to tell you, fuckwad - I’ve been deleting the insignificant stuff, but if something actually seems important, I actually make the effort to find you, so don’t give me any lip you neanderfuck. Oh, and the one perfect gem of a titwipe who sent me back an e-mail asking me if I was gay? Suck my ass, you waste of carbon. What the fuck is wrong with you? The best you can hope for by being a kneebiter is that I forward your e-mails to our ISP and get your account terminated - but then at least I would stop getting your fucking e-mail!
So, to reiterate - give people your correct fucking e-mail address or I will shove your computer so far up your ass you’ll be coughing up one’s and zero’s until the warranty on your Toshiba 486 runs out, you stupid fucking Luddite!
Well, if I was in that situation, I’d take advantage of it. You know what I mean- Spam the innocent people sending to this address with porn ads, blonde/jew jokes, and send “FUCK YOU” mail to the professors.
I used to get e-mail from people congratulating me on my upcoming wedding, to which my response was “Huh?” So I finally wrote the people back and told them they had the wrong address, and they wrote me back and told me that they were in New Zealand, and that I actually had the exact same e-mail as this other peson (It made sense in his message I swear). Anyways,my point is that after that I never got anymore mail for that person. I don’t know how busy you are or if you have time to try it, but it might work.
Neanderfuck. Damn that word has a nice ring to it. Can I make it my Insult of the Week ™? (Of course, now I have to decide whether the correct designation is Homo Sapiens Neanderfuckensis or Homo Neanderfuckensis …)
Can you get this anal tongue-dart with the uncreative email address on some fascinating mailing lists? Can you make sure his friends and profs know? Hmm, maybe I can find an armadillo porn mailing list or two …
Esprix, you realize that you’re practically obligated to fuck with these people, right?
Some suggestions:
To the profs: “You actually expect me to do this assignment, considering the crappy treatment you gave this subject during lecture? Take a public speaking course, you biscuithead!”
To the parents: Write an eloquent “my girlfriend’s pregnant and she’s keeping it” letter. Mention you’ll be home for Thanksgiving to discuss…
Send all chain letters back to the people who sent them, along with the accompanying “Now you can send out 20 MORE copies, fuckwad.”
Everybody else should get bestiality porn as a response, with no accompanying explanation. If anyone responds, send another e-mail saying “You liked the collie? Wait’ll I get done downloading this MPEG of your mom and a Shetland pony.”
Occasionally send out a mass e-mail to anyone who has ever sent you e-mail in error. Make the subject line something to the effect of “Need some assistance here” and ask thought-provoking little questions like “Do you know of anything that can cause a false positive on a home pregnancy test?” or “There’s this strong kinda farty smell coming from the stove in the kitchen. What should I do? I have a vanilla-scented candle…”
<Does the Doctor Evil pinky thing>
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I hate to say it, but all the earlier suggestions require extra work on Esprix’s part, both in formulating specific emails to various individuals and in answering/deleting the inevitable replies (My God! Sally’s pregnant?"). The goal here should be to decrease his workload, rather than increase it. I would suggest that you create a form letter to answer each unsolicited email that goes something like this:
[/quote]
THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN TERMINATED.
Dear Sir/Madam,
The account NOT_ESPRIX@NOT_AOL has been TERMINATED for non-compliance with our terms of service. Specifically, the user of this account violated:
Part 2(a) of our user agreement, which states in part that “customer agrees not to use his/her NOT_AOL account for purposes of dissemating depictions of human/animal sexual relations,” AND
Part 4(b) of our user agreement, which states in part that “customer agrees not to use his/her NOT_AOL account for a commercial enterprise.”
Please be advised that any further email sent to the account NOT_ESPRIX@NOT_AOL will not be delivered, and all email will be answered with this auto-generated message.
[/quote]
There you go. I imagine that after a while you’ll be getting fewer and fewer emails, which is the whole point.
If you don’t want to send out porn, Esprix, make everyone believe that this guy is part of some sort of neo-nazi group. Send mails like this:
TO: PROFESSOR@SOMESCHOOL.EDU
FROM: NOT_ESPRIX@NOT_AOL.COM
SUBJECT: RE: Homework Assignment change
thanks 4 telling me about the change on the sheet. i have decided to change my paper’s subject to why I love hitler. have u seen this site? the lib. national sociast party at nazi.org. its great!! there so right becuz all jews r dum. nyway, can i write my paper about them and y there so cool?
(Of course, now I have to decide whether the correct designation is Homo Sapiens Neanderfuckensis or Homo Neanderfuckensis …)