An open letter, to those... wonderful... people in my village.

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Fucktards,
I walked into my village today to buy bread, as my mum is ill in bed, so as I was walking past you felt it necessary to shout “Hey faggot” “Cunt” and make abusive comments about my hair.

Well congratulations, you barbaric little shits, your mastery of the English language is astounding, why one might even think you could be the next Shakespeare. So, you feel just because I don’t dress and act like you, you have the right to shout insults across the road at me? Because I don’t wear only sports clothing, and shave my hair short I deserve to have insults flung simply for walking?

You and your “bruddas” need to learn to stop making trouble, it’s not big, it’s not clever and even if the girl with the Croydon Facelift next to you was giggling, it’s still not funny. Do you know why I don’t dress like you? Because I don’t want to be associated with the image of yob culture you seem so happy to portray.

And no, my cretinous little friend, I am not homosexual, I am perfectly happy being straight, however why calling me a “faggot” is supposed to be an insult is beyond me, those who are attracted to members of their own sex are not these evil, freaks you’d like them to be seen as, they are normal people, and to be honest I’d rather be associated with being a “faggot” than being a chav.

Of course this isn’t the first time, and won’t be the last in which you try to disturb my life, you’ve shouted at me in town, spat on my friends, thrown apples at me getting off the bus, and called me a “right fucking posho” because I was wearing my school uniform. Because of course you wear yours with such rogue “style” that we could never consider you to be a member of your school. Now you may think all these things are fine to do, because I’m a “faggot” and don’t dress like you, and you may feel justified in commenting about my hair because yours is so cool, with your bleach blonde crew cut.

One of these days you’re going to have an unfortunate meeting with someone’s boots, and if I’m lucky I’ll be on the end of them or watching, but until such time kindly fuck off. No one but your pathetic friends thinks you’re cool, the rest of us take solace in the fact you’re probably one of the one in three people in the local area who is infected with an STD, because you were two stupid to use a condom correctly. May your penis swell to enormous proportions until your internal organs are ejected via your urethra and may all your girlfriends have gonorrhoea.

Yours sincerely
“That fucking posho faggot cunt with fucking stupid long hair”

2

What’s a “chav”?

3

A chav is a person who wears imitation leather or imitation tracksuits, or burberry, sits around on streets corners and shouts at people.
A better definition here.

4

These links should help explain.

http://www.chavscum.co.uk/howto.php

It’s usage has increased 1000% over the last year in the UK.

5

Not just simulpost, but exactly the same links. :smack: Would be freaky if they weren’t the top too matches on google.

6

Heh, indeed, tell me have you seen Chavmenian Rhapsody? (It’s under “Flash Animations” then “Chavs 2”)

7

OK, so what’s a Croydon Facelift?

Hey, the kind of losers described in the OPs rant hate anyone who does not appear to share their precise state of loserness. Fuck 'em.

8

A Croydon Facelift is what Chavettes (female chavs) have, it’s where their hair is pulled so tightly back in to a bun their face skin is all stretched, and taught over their skin.

9

:smack: Over their skull…

10

Excellent. :smiley:

“JJB sports has a trackie set aside for me”.

11

puts down urban dictionary, claps enthusiastically

Great rant, Chimpy. I was kind of in that situation when I was in high school and unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it except write positively stellar rants about it. After much reflection, I have decided that if I had it all to do again, and people were throwing gum and crap at me, I would have just gone over and clocked the ringleader. I certainly don’t advocate that approach for you.

Life sucks sometimes. I’m sorry.

12

Actually… clocking the ringleader sounds like a good idea, they were only about 12.
(I don’t advocate punching 12 year old people, but chavs aren’t people.)

13

Slang in the UK is so damn cool. Cracks my ass up every time.

In a few years, you’ll get your revenge when you are infinitely more successful than those dorks.

Haj

14

This link posted above cracks me up. It is like the very “sophisticated” and British version of our own inner-city gangster dress here in the U.S. and they both follow the same themes.

15

The themes being let’s show some arse-cleavage and look like we bought our clothing from a shop selling rejects from the disco era, right?

16

Chimpy, great rant. Growing up in rural England in the 80s, I had a similar problem with our village’s proto-chavs. One day me, my mate Ian, and my brother, were walking down the road and a bunch of about ten of them came out of nowhere and blocked our progress, flexing their fists. “You thing you’re so fucking great don’t you, you wankers. Posh gits. Fucking poofs. Etc.” (Nothing’s changed, has it?) My brother and I were shitting ourselves, but Ian just turned to us with a grin and whispered “Dance! Let’s dance our way through them!” So all three of us did stupid Morecambe and Wise impressions, and the arseholes were so confounded that they let us pass, and apart from calling us “fucking nutters”, they never bothered us again. I’m not suggesting such tactics from yourself, but I have found that in dodgy circumstances, doing something completely bizarre can defuse the tension.

17

Some people just can’t take a compliment.

Marc

18

So is Ali G a chav, or is he just making fun of chavs? And the “pikeys” in the movie Snatch, led by Brad Pitt, are they part of that same subculture? I love this new word, and I’m gonna use it all over Florida, where we have plenty of our own (only nobody calls them that).

Oh, and what is a “minger”? (The website referred to Jordan as a “complete minger.” I like the sound of that, too!)

19

Ali G is taking the mick out of chavs, and the use of Pikeys in Snatch is the older usage for Travellers and Gypsies, it now applies to people on the dole even thought they could be working and has expanded to apply to all chavs. A minger is an ugly woman.

20

Chimpy, your whole post is redolent of petty class hatred - yours as much as the people you seek to Pit.

Given

I’m guessing you never walked down the street meeting the eye of everyone you met and just saying hello wihout judging them to be chavs or otherwise “not us”. These are the sort of people Mummy told you to pretend weren’t there and to walk purposefully past, feeling sorry t’ mill was closed, but hating their presumption for advertising the fact that it wasn’t, right?

Did you ever meet the eye of a “chav” and say your version of “g’day, how’s it going?” or did you just fear and hate them?

I’m not saying you deserved to be abused on the street. Of course you don’t. But it’s impressive that even in your own words it sounds like you are denigrating them as much as they were denigrating you.