Bollocks. Christmas is all bollocks and I hate it.
I’m seeing a whole lot of history and frustration exploding here. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to be so affected by gift cards that you’d be almost in tears. She’s either got too much stress, or this is an overreaction. If this is the proverbial last straw, where decades of thoughtlessness, carelessness and general irritation have built up… well, she needs to learn that when you undereact time and time again, you’re going to overeact at some point. Because she’s ended up reacting badly to what is actually a generous gift, even though she sees a nasty burdensome straw.
If she was asking my advice about the gift, I would say that once a gift is given, the person is free to do whatever they want with it. So, if there’s not enough physical, mental or emotional space in a busy schedule to squeeze in an extra shopping trip, I would just give the card to the kids with the other xmas gifts and say we’d go for a shopping trip next weekend (or the one after, or whatever) and let them choose their gift. She doesn’t need to accept the burden of getting the gifts sorted so they can go under the tree - there are other ways of dealing with the gift card.
If she was asking my advice about the situation, I’d suggest (if they’re in-laws) that all repsonsibilities relating to them be passed off to her partner. She sounds like she desperately needs some mental space from them. I’d also suggest that she consider whether the way she’s been dealing with them is working for her. There are so many other ways she could be seeing this situation that would be better for her (and everyone). She could just hand the gift card straight to her partner (your parents, your problem). She could roll her eyes and note that sometime in January one of you would take the kids to the store and let them pick stuff out. She could raise an eyebrow, and then let go of it. She could be genuinely grateful that they gifted that large amount to their grandkids, knowing she could sidestep the inconvenient aspects one way or another. All these options are possible if she gets to the point where she doesn’t have expectations of the grandparents, and isn’t swallowing lots of frustrations about them. The frustrations come out in some way, often in a spectacularly unreasonable way! A friend of mine had an epic meltdown because her in-laws gave her an article about something school related. It seriously undermined her credibility and years of “taking the higher road” - all because it was the last straw in a huge bale of nastiness from her mother-in-law. But nobody saw the bale, just that straw and the overreaction - and that’s how it always plays out.
As far as the cards go; she needs to accept that there is a whole spectrum of views on cards. Some people think they’re a big deal, others don’t and she needs to realise that.
Essured I like your advice so much I went back in time and offered it years ago, and have offered it a few times since.
Like I said, I can sympathize with her–my parents are really bad at gifts, it’s just a fact, and sure maybe I caught their bad-at-gifting-genes which maybe makes me not so great a candidate for handling Christmas… So I sympathize… I feel bad… I want to help in every way I can.
But… I don’t get it. I wish I could find a way to convince her to learn to have exactly the kind of reaction you describe.
Well, how about taking over all communications and interactions with your parents? Imagine if you had’ve opened the mail, gotten the card, and then decided what to do? Instead of her being so frustrated, you could said “Got a gift card for the kids from mom and dad. I can get the gifts and wrap them. Or we could just give them the card on xmas morning and go shopping later when things are less crazy, what do you think?” Not cutting her out of the relationship, just you taking the brunt of it / shielding her from most of it. They’re your parents, after all.
As to how to get her to change? You can’t. She has to want to change herself, as I’m sure you know. Maybe tell her to find a vent-about-your-in-laws forum to join?
I’m mystified as to what you don’t get. You seem to get that they are difficul, yes?. You’ve grown up with it, so you’re kinda immune to a lot of it. She hasn’t, so she hasn’t got your innate buffering skills to their particular flavour of dysfunction (just like you probably don’t get things about her family). What’s there to get? They’re difficult, she’s annoyed with it and because she’s not dealing with it well, it bubbles up badly occasionally. That’s all there is to get
Okay, I hear ya and I get it. My mom, wouldn’t do the blubbering, but she’d get angry and say “to hell with it, if she wants to be that controlling about holiday gift giving why should I bother, saving, shopping, wrapping, mailing, when no matter what she won’t be pleased.!” So yeah, not the same reaction but both sort of emotionally tender and defensive.
So know that you’ve mentioned, this, I’m going to offer another suggestion. If you know your mom is going to react that way, then there is something you can do to help. And I was wrong about saying the conversation needs to be had with your wife. This is a conversation for you and your mom. Face to face. Okay well maybe not face to face. My son is most open with me when we are not looking at each other, working in the kitchen making cookies or rinsing dishes, or walking the dog. That sort of thing. Take some time, just you and her.
She already knows she’s lost her boy forever to another woman. (Okay that’s a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. We moms feel a sense of loss, a kind of grief, even when we are delighted that the woman they are crazy in love with is a good match for them.) Reassure her of your love. Let her know you are grateful for her efforts in grand parenting. Catch her up on the kids, who just learned to ride a bike or drive a car, who finally a year late started saying Mom and Dad and learned a few signs, the baby started crawling, who entered the matheletes, who made the final round of spelling bee, whatever. Who collects rocks, is good at art, loves saving movie ticket stubs, ooh by the way, did you know wife and kids each have a keepsake box where they tuck every single card they receive? Shrug, I don’t get it, but boy the wife and kids really make a fuss over cards. There you did it. She knows cards are important. You know she was listening because it was just the two of you. If she doesn’t do the cards after that then you and your wife have the confirmation you and she wanted that your parents suck at pleasing your wife.
If they do, then you know that they just didn’t know how very important it was to wife and kids because it was never important to you.
I’d also gently suggest you be a bit more proactive with appropriate gifting. There are two of you. Your wife isn’t the only parent capable of shopping, choosing and wrapping the gifts ten days before Christmas. Offer to take that on if your parents send gift card again. A month or six weeks before a gifting occassion maybe call mom and let her know that child has been wishing for this or needs that. If she is sensitive about being told what not to get (nothing messy or noisy) then maybe try being specific.
I really think both your wife and your mom, might find appropriate gifting to your children less stressful and more loving with a bit of help from you.
You know, we’ve said before we were going to do this, but never strongly followed through. I’ll bring it up again at some point… thanks for reminding me. 
AbbySthrnAccent, those are good suggestions too. I’m just going to be slightly defensive and say yes I totally do help with the gift shopping and selection etc, quite a bit. But now I’m finished being defensive and I’ll just reiterate your suggestions are good ones and thanks. 
Good luck, I hope it gets better for all of you.
As a Mom and Mother in law it sucks the Grinches dirty socks when I know the daughter in law is annoyed and I have no idea what I did or if it was me or the children or my son or my husband, who would never notice that someone is in a pissy mood unless they shouted at him, so who or what got on her nerves and has her behaving as if she is the most long suffering sufferer that ever suffered? So so stressful. A little hint from my son whispering, “Mom you weren’t supposed to light the candle in the bathroom, it was decorative.” Me: Oh sorry, my stomach was upset and I couldn’t find the air spray but I saw the candle on the vanity and matches in the drawer so assumed it was for odor control. I’ll buy her a new candle or pay for that one. Him: No, not necessary, that will just make it worse. Just please let it go. She’s kinda impossible when she is at this stage of pregnancy so it is sort of my fault. He says with a weird mixture of embarrassment and pride. I had to chuckle and let it go. And I will never understand why you would have a candle and matches in a bathroom and not intend to use the candle when the need arises in the absence of odor removal spray.
Hope things get better for all of you.
Spend the entire $400 on greeting cards for their collections.
Talk about your First World Problems! Someone gives you a gift, you say thank-you and get on with your life.
This was pretty much my reaction - altho I wouldn’t necessarily be in tears, I would be ticked off at getting another chore added to my list. When you figure that Mom is usually the one doing all the holiday baking and the decorating and the shopping and the wrapping in addition to whatever she does in her non-holiday life, regardless of the amount, it’s a lousy thing to do to someone, especially less than 2 weeks before Christmas.
Criminy, at least send 4 separate $100 cards so each kid would have their own!
I don’t get the greeting card thing, tho. Each to his own, I guess.
I could see being a little annoyed, mostly because $400 is real money and it’s tough to spend that kind of cash on something you won’t really get a lot of use out of. I think it’s generally polite to have a conversation before making a major purchase for someone like that.
I’m also a bad gift card shopper. I feel a lot of pressure to get the RIGHT thing, and it can take me hours to spend $25. That’s fine for me, but it’d be hard for me to do it for four people.
Of course it’s generous and of course you should feel grateful. But that’s probably why she feels so bad- a bad gift is easier to deal with emotionally than a perfectly good and generous one that just isn’t useful.
I’d drop the whole “grandparents are bad at gifts” thing. There’s no rule that says that grandparents have to even give gifts, let alone good gifts. One should expect their SO to give “good” gifts because of the whole emotional intimacy thing. But that’s it. You should expect everyone elsse to give craptacular presents (dare I say, especially grandparents). That way, when they give something nice, you can be pleasantly surprised.
I hate to take you on a guilt trip, but I will. There are so many kids out there who don’t receive any gifts from their (living or dead) grandparents, it is insane–INSANE!–to cry about getting a “bad” gift from one. Especially one that isn’t objectively bad at all and is obviously sincere.
Even if she has successfully kept her anger to herself, that still doesn’t mean the thoughts behind her feelings still shouldn’t be questioned. And if she’s that stressed that she’s literally crying, then something’s not right. Crying is an over-the-top reaction towards something that warrants no more than an eye roll and a shoulder shrug.
I think this is an important point. Some people–and mothers are especially prone to this–feel like meeting *everyone’s *expectations perfectly is their primary job and Christmas magnifies this: they feel like providing perfect, cherished memories for the family is entirely on them, and if they fail, it will damage their relationship with everyone. Shopping is stressful because you have to get it right–exactly right–and this is the worst possible situation. She has to spend a bunch of money on gifts that 1) the kids will be delighted to get and 2) the grandparents will approve of when she tells them and if either side of the transaction is unhappy, she will 1) damage their relationship with each other because SHE FUCKED UP and 2) be the subject of scorn from either or both. And she has a limited place to do that shopping.
It really doesn’t matter if someone else “helps” with Christmas and does some shopping and wrapping. It’s not just the practical time, it’s the moral responsibility, and for this type of mom, it’s on her. If her delegate fucks up, it’s even more her fault because she was selfish and bad when she allowed someone to help and she was stupid and careless with her family’s happiness when she didn’t follow up.
In this case, putting the responsibility on her to pick things that everyone approves of can feel like a horrible weight. That doesn’t mean the grandparents were wrong–the mother’s reaction is due to her own complex issues–but I can understand the reaction.
I think a lot of you are treating this situation as if there has to be a “bad guy”–either the grandparents were selfish and thoughtless, or the wife’s reaction is greedy and ungrateful. I think it’s quite possible for everyone to be operating in good faith.
This is very well stated. This encapsulates a lot of things I sort-of knew about the situation implicitly but haven’t really articulated (even to myself) in the past. I appreciate this perspective. This helps.
I’m not even a mother and I can relate to all of this. I think the anger and crying is a symptom of the larger stress the holiday season is piling on to your wife. Without knowing more, it would be unfair to call her names.
Christmas stresses me out because I’m not a shopper or a gift-lover. I would be completely ecstatic if my parents called a moratorium on gift giving, but it has yet to happen, and I don’t want to be the Grinch to propose it. If you’re not particularly consumeristic, it takes energy to identify good things to buy, wade through the crowded stores to find these good things, and then deal with the worry of picking the wrong thing.
So I can totally understand not being thrilled with having to come up with $400 worth of gift ideas, on top of the other shopping and stuff on your to-do list.
I might have missed you saying this, but if I were you, I’d offer to handle how to divvy up the gift card so that there’s less pressure on her to figure it out.
I’d be a bit pissed too. Because I at least went through the most basic of steps this year to ask my brother, “Hey, so, the nieces and nephews would probably like gift cards this year to spend their own way because they’re at that age. What store do they like to shop at?” Wham, bam, I know exactly what gift cards will be useful now, they will appreciate, and use all of easily. All it took was one 3 minute email. Instead, gramma and gramps here didn’t even put in the most basic of effort. And I’m sure they’d know that holiday cards are a big deal to her and they blew that off too. So it’s $400 and I’d find some way to spend it, but I sure wouldn’t be too happy about it. Especially when it’s not even given directly to the kids but to the parents in a, “here you do it for me” way. If someone said, “Yeah so, if you don’t want it give it back then!!” sure, I just might. It’s not necessarily worth the trouble. And clothes as christmas gifts – UGH. Kohl’s is more a clothing store rather than a general department store. I remember their in-house toy section being very small. But thankfully it looks like their online selection is a lot more varied than what they carry in-store - but lots of stuff that says “online only”. Great, gotta order NOW to get everything in time so it can be wrapped.
And no – the gift does NOT always count. If there’s no thought in the gift, it really doesn’t count for much of anything at all.
If they truly wanted to give a gift that could absolutely be accepted - cash. Check. Visa gift card. Not a “uhh I dunno, Kohl’s I guess?” card that limits you to one store. And fer heaven’s sake, go to the trouble of making one out individually to each kid instead of dumping the responsibility on someone else.
I don’t think this will help, because if the kids aren’t happy OR the grandparents aren’t happy, it’s her fault for being lazy and letting someone else do her job.
Giving the cards to the kids and letting them buy whatever stupid wasteful shit they want–and then not letting Grandparents know the details, just “They each went on a shopping spree and had a blast!” might work.
I would bet that the part that’s frustrating your wife isn’t the gift (which is a fine gift - generous, and - if viewed from certain reasonable perspectives - thoughtful). It’s that Manda JO is right and your wife is mostly frustrated by the unilateral transfer of responsibility to her. There’s a decent chunk of the world who feels bad if the present they buy is not a present the recipient actually wanted and will enjoy - like they failed. If you’re this kind of person, having the chore of selecting even more gifts for people on behalf of someone else entirely, and someone who will care about how the gifts were received, is fucking stressful and miserable.
I can see the grandparents on this one too though - especially if your kids are getting into the double-digits age-wise. Kids that age start being miserably difficult to buy presents for. They start having hobbies and interests much more specific than “Yay! Toys!”, and those hobbies and interests can change rapidly and without any notice. I will repeat my father’s often-reiterated gift-giving mantra “Cash always fits and never goes out of style.” If mom (who is not their child) is on the “more difficult to please” side - and a woman who saves boxes of Christmas cards and gets wound up if people don’t send them is almost certainly on this end of the spectrum - they might be thinking “Well, shit - we know she hasn’t been happy with our previous choices, maybe everyone will be happier if we do it this way instead!”
Even if nobody has mentioned not being pleased with previous offerings, they may well have figured it out.
ETA: I will say that sending a single gift card was . . . poorly thought out. Ideally, it would have been better to get one for each kid, stick it in a card and do it that way. Then you could have taken the kids to Kohl’s a few days after Christmas and let each of them go hog-wild with their $100 and left your wife home to have some alone time.
There’s still time for her to go to Kohl’s and exchange the $400 card for four $100 cards. Or better yet, have Frylock do it so the responsibility doesn’t fall all on her.