You cannot be a jerk, by definition, unless you are acting in a way that negatively affects others. If you are taking steps to ensure that what you feel does not negatively affect others, then by definition, you cannot be, in that act, being a jerk.
I’ll tell you who’s the jerk is this mom’s own mom, her dad, and her dad’s mom–who have the same kind of emotional reactions to similar stimuli but make no attempt whatsoever to keep these feelings from hurting other people.
I thought that’s what grandparents were for! I vividly remember the year I asked my grandmother for some albums from a few bands I liked. Did not go well. Although it may be that the guys at the record store were fucking with me by proxy.
I could totally see my dear sweet grandmother, were she still with us, upon hearing that Amazon gift cards were all the rage, going to Kohl’s or Walgreens or maybe the goddamn grocery store and getting a gift card there.
Yes, thank you.
I see a huge problem with that on an incredible scale. You just complained about both actual gifts that the grandparents picked out and gift cards in the same thread. Can you not see the hypocrisy? I have a brother and SIL that do the same thing. Guess what, they aren’t getting anything ever again because we all hate them now and they are shunned from the family until they change their ways because we don’t want their type around anymore. The are just evil, vindictive and petty people.
It has nothing to do with actual gifts or the form that they take. I would be happy with a simple paper drawing or craft from any of my relatives. As a matter of fact, that is what I would love most but a small gift card to anywhere would be great too and I would find a way to enjoy it.
You and your wife are apparently at the opposite end of the spectrum and I cannot support that. You have lost my respect as a poster permanently because of this thread but I do hope you get better.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!
If someone gave me $400 at a local store and told me I had to find time to spend it in the next ten days, I think I could find a way. And as you say, on-line would probably arrive within the next ten days too. But yes, “crisis” averted!
If she has very specific expectations about grandparent roles then you and she needs to and kindly and appropriately have that conversation way in advance of the occasion or expectation. They’re your parents, or parents in law, and not mind readers, especially not mind readers of daughter in laws who would cry over a very generous gift because she didn’t care for the choice of the store or the date of the arrival of the gift.
At this point it would be rude for the mom to say anything about such a generous gift other than thank you. Going forward if she has specific expectations she needs to kindly and clearly state them or make gentle suggestions.
About a month before a gifting occasion we give our son an upper limit. He sends us a wish list for the boy or boys with things throughout the range, usually only one item is close to the limit. Sometimes the list is very specific with a link to a list of items to choose from, often with a note as to why it is on the list, other times it is general, like he is really into puzzles and Thomas train videos lately. Sometimes very specific like can’t find a blue soccer ball in the lowest size anywhere in this state can you get one there and bring it? Maybe something like that would help?
I really think it is unreasonable of her to be so disappointed in what is clearly a generous well intentioned gift.
My kids get their paternal grandparent’s money, while their cousins get the grandparents time, attention, love… and money. If the family in question are in a similar position, I GET IT. I’d rather they kept their crappy money and had an actual freaking conversation with the kids.
Excessive, ostentatious generosity that will forevermore be rubbed in our faces and bragged about to all and sundry does not substitute for one simple gift given from the heart.
Sorry, I can’t think of any good reasons to do that. I know this pains you, and I sympathize.
I actually am not sure what you mean. Can you explain?
Are you saying they’re damned if they do damned if they don’t? But there’s no fundamental complaint anyone has made concerning gift cards. Personally, I love 'em. They’re my favorite kind of gift to get. And I personally think gift cards for the kids are awesome as well. My wife is more iffy on them, but not opposed in principle. It’s possible you’ve misunderstood this to be a complaint about gift cards. It’s not.
I am not sure of the relevance of this remark. Sounds like your brother and SIL complained to family members (or people who would talk to them) about the gifts in question. What has that to do with the situation I described?
Indeed–that seems like it could be a great gift to receive.
But it does not follow from this that anything else one might receive would be properly equally happy-making-or-better.
Suppose you had three dogs, and wanted no more animals, and your relative gave you for Christmas two new cats and a lizard. Happy to receive this gift? Do you feel grateful? Is a gift a gift a gift?
You have no reason to think this, and it’s not true.
It’s hard to believe you had any beforehand if this thread is all it took.
Yeah right.
Regards,
Frylock
Yeah, just to be clear (as explained a few times above), there is no question of whether anyone will say anything on this occasion. No one will be saying anything. I repeat. No one will be saying anything.
Also, to add to that, there’s no question of any such conversation ever taking place. This is a thing where she will experience it every year for the foreseeable future and suffer in silence. Sad but almost certainly true.
Damned if you do and damned if you don’t is probably the best way to put it in succinct terms. All I know is what I read that you wrote.
Let me ask you this - what should they have done that would have been passably acceptable to you and your wife? You said they already gave real gifts and that wasn’t good enough and now your wife is bitching about $400 worth of gift cards to a department store.
The animal analogy is a terrible one because they didn’t try to drop off a puppy, cat or goat at your door. It is a generous gift card which means that the recipient can pick out what they want or need most.
You aren’t being clear about what the real problem is. Would it have been better if it was a Neiman Marcus card or a free Caribbean Cruise? What exactly was expected that wasn’t delivered and why do you and your wife think you are entitled to it?
I did respect you as a poster before but you are coming off like the ultimate spoiled brat that cannot control either his kids or his wife and I do hope you get better and have a happy holiday season.
To ask specifically, what exactly should the grandparents have done that they didn’t do in your opinion?
Misread, as you will see if you re-read, esp with what I just said in mind. Or you can insist on “losing respect for me as a poster” if that is your wish. If you make such immensely important decisions based on easily rectifiable misreadings, so much for me hoping for any respect from you!
'Memmer what I said about misreading? I have stated at least two times now in this thread that I don’t get my wife’s reaction. By implication, it should be clear that the gift card is quite acceptable to me.
To my wife? You’d have to ask her.
If they aren’t important to you, how would your parents know they are important to your wife?
Granted I am coming at this from a place of sadness and frustration at trying to get to know and please a distant daughter in law that does not reply to texts, emails or calls, has never said thank you for a gift, replies to questions about how everyone is and what they are up to that week with “good, not much” every single time. When in reality both adults and one of the children had a 24 hour stomach bug, the baby learned to crawl, the middle one started cooperating with the speech therapist and learned some new signs and a few words, one of which was “mom” and the oldest learned to paddle a bike.
Maybe the parents in law are really trying but aware they chose poorly received gifts that weren’t appreciated in the past so chose a generous gift to a general department store with a wide range of choices as an alternative for shopping for and sending something that will upset or disappoint what is looking to be a hard to please mom.
I’m feeling a great deal of empathy for the grandparents and none much for the mom.
Absolutely this. They say “it’s the thought that counts” but really, how much thought does it take to write a $400 check and expect someone else to do all the legwork, esp. 10 days before Christmas?
Why couldn’t the grandparents have bought four $100 gift cards plus a personally addressed card to each kid? That would make a lot more sense, if they were actually interested in involving themselves in their grandchildren’s lives. Instead it sounds like they’re trying to endear themselves while doing as little actual work as possible (and doing a fine job might I add, judging by the harsh reactions to your wife’s reaction…)
If this is a recurring theme each Christmas then it’s no wonder your wife snapped. I don’t blame her at all.
I am not misreading anything. If it was just a household misunderstanding, you wouldn’t have started a thread asking for opinions on it and just taken care off it yourself.
Do you want to know if your wife is wrong? The answer to that is a clear Yes.
Do you want to know how to make her believe that? Sorry, if I knew how to do that I could be the most magical man in the world. I know it doesn’t work that way unfortunately.
Are the grandparents wrong? No, they are generous and probably just frustrated at their grandchildren’s mother’s illogical expectations yet again. Tell them exactly what you expect the next time if either of you want to be gift dictators (which is totally trashy buy sometimes prudent).
I am not against you at all but I do find news of this type of thing frustrating because there usually isn’t any good resolution unless someone steps up and grows a backbone.
Okay, I hear you. You don’t think the grandparents will ever know her reaction to the gift.
I don’t understand why a kind adult conversation about what would please your wife is out of the question, although I think it would be kinder to your wife for you to say to your parents (with the wife there) “Cards are very important to us, like BFD important, Wife has a keepsake box for each of the children where she saves the cards.”
Your parents are clearly generous. They’ve chosen gifts themselves and realized they weren’t well received, this time they realized the gifts might be better enjoyed if your wife was asked to choose on their behalf. Frankly I think it is rather thoughtful.
If it helps any, I ask my son to get with his wife (since she doesn’t respond when I ask her directly) and send us a list to choose from. I give him a spending limit and he sends a list with a wide range of choices under that limit. I let him know what his dad and I decided to do and he is happy, his wife is happy, and the boys receive gifts they enjoy or needed.
Maybe your parents getting a little help from you would ease your wife’s stress and frustrations with your parents gifting decisions. 
I understand what you mean. The information you’re missing is, you don’t know my mother…
Yeah, there are imaginable circumstances where I could pull this off. I probably should look harder for them. But–again–it’s like… my mom you know? You don’t know her. 
Very likely much blubbering would commence as she immediately launched into making a case that SHE KNEW IT WE ALL HATE HER AFTER ALL
Sorry… bit TMI there.
You’re not against me but you’ve lost all respect for me as a poster.
Like seriously you need to stop and read before posting. It is impossible for them to be reacting to anyone’s illogical expectations, as can be clearly deduced from what has been plainly said in this thread. Those occasions in which expectations have been communicated to them, were at their kind invitation, and were kindly and politely given. Those occasions on which people have been disappointed with their gift giving practices have not been communicated to them in any form so it is impossible for them to be reacting to it.
You know this Shagnasty, you’ve read the thread. Right?