I need a knight in shining armor…or a wife. Maybe a wife in shining armor. Or someone to shine my armor. Or someone who’s armor I can shine. (And to clarify, I’m female, so the whole wife thing could get complicated.) I don’t know what I need but I know I need something. I am married, not happily, with three kids. I’m in my forties and my youngest is 2. My son is most often a source of joy and I love him, but he’s very young and I’m getting old, rapidly it seems. He was an unexpected event, tying me longer to a life I’m not happy with (or “to a life with which I’m not happy”, just in case the grammar police are on patrol in the area). I don’t resent my son. I adore him and don’t wish him away. It just puts many things on hold that I had been ready to move on with. Instead I’m running through the house chasing a flying plunger and saying things like " Get your face out of the dog’s water bowl" and “Take that worm out of your mouth” and “The kitchen is on fire.” There are many reasons that I need to stay where I am now which I won’t go into, unless someone needs a virtual sleeping pill. I’m also not looking for advice. I know there are options, etc. and at some point I will utilize them. But right now, I think I just need a connection. To another intelligent human being who can converse with humor and compassion, who isn’t a right-wing conservative, who doesn’t pout when they don’t get their own way, who’s an actual grown-up and is willing to take responsibility for their own lives and actions and who can calmly and rationally discuss disagreements. And someone I can flirt with, damnit. I want that kind of attraction and excitement, even if it goes nowhere. The feeling of actually looking forward to interacting with someone. I have some good friends that are lifesavers and for them I’m very grateful. But there’s still that sense of unfullfillment. I know much of it stems from my marriage issues. But then sometimes I think, it’s just me. Maybe this is all there is and I need to be happy with what I have. It could be a lot worse. Maybe there isn’t any more. But I still want to think there is. Maybe I shouldn’t complain, but then again, I’m so good at it, I hate to waste a talent.
So have you found what you’re looking for? Are you satisfied and fulfilled? Does it exist?
**So have you found what you’re looking for? **
I don’t think I’m looking for anything. I’m looking forward to retirement, but I’m not actively seeking anything, and I can’t remember the last time I was. Am I that boring?
Are you satisfied and fulfilled?
Yeah, I think so. I’ve got a pretty good life, a pretty good job, a wonderful daughter, a husband who has been a blessing from the start. Those things are satisfying. I don’t know about fulfilling - I’m not sure what that would be like.
Does it exist?
Does what exist? Satisfaction? Fulfillment? I suppose. It’s all very personal, isn’t it?
I get the feeling that your unhappiness isn’t just about you. I’m not going to pretend to analyze your life or offer you advice, but I’ll share this observation: It doesn’t always go the way we thought it would. That isn’t necessarily bad or good - depending upon our reaction - it might just be different. We’re not victims of circumstance - our lives are what we make of them.
I don’t know - it’s clear in my brain, but it’s not translating to English. I hope it didn’t come across as flippant or condescending. If you lived near me, I’d invite you to join me for a glass of wine and a bitch session.
Yes, I agree, that it’s not necessarily what happens, but how we choose to view what happens. We have control over the way we react and whether or not to turn things into positive experiences or make choices to create positive experiences. I’ve always been a positive person and have tried to teach this very same thing to my teenage daughter who has a tendency to be negative (like her father). And for the kids’ sake, I still try to maintain that outlook. But inside my mind it’s a whole other ball game and I feel like that positive energy is just going, going, gone. I don’t know, maybe it’s just sleep deprivation!
I’m sincerely happy for you that you feel satisfied and happy with your life. I’m sure my time will come, too. Thanks for responding and I wish I could take you up on the offer of a drink and bitch session but I suppose driving down the whole East Coast for a night out with the “girls” would be pushing it! Thanks for listening, FCM. I guess I’ll just go make me some lemonade now…
You know, I don’t really know if I’ve found what I’m looking for, because I’ve never really known what I was looking for. So I guess I don’t know if it even exists, either, now that I think about it. I’m fairly satisfied and fulfilled most of the time, I suppose. This is certainly not how I’d pictured my life in any respect, but it’s not a bad life. Like you said, it’s not what I would have chosen, really, but it’s not anything I regret, either.
I think I understand what you’re talking about, though. Trying to maintain your positive outlook and keep things stable for someone else when you feel empty and lost is like trying to maintain momentum when you’re slogging through knee-deep mud. It’s unspeakably draining, both physically and emotionally.
It also makes you feel dull, boring, and unattractive. Everybody needs to feel pretty and exciting sometimes, even those of us who are essentially one of the guys. I’ve learned that making yourself feel attractive and exciting is like cleaning the cat box; you should just do it yourself right off the bat, because you’re in for a stinky-ass time if you wait for somebody else to do it for you.
There is more to life than getting up, going to work, making dinner, cleaning the house, and going to bed. There’s joy and meaning and magic in the world for everyone, we just have to find it. Sometimes we find it in the most unexpected places, and sometimes we have to stop looking long enough for it to find us. Try to enjoy the search.
I recommend you climb the highest mountain and then run through the fields.
CrazyCat Lady You hit the nail on the head on several points, mainly slogging, draining and the stinky cat box. That pretty much sums up my life.
I know it sounds like I’m really focused on this issue, but it’s not something I talk about often in “real” life. (Actually I’ve never felt comfortable saying some of these things to anyone in real life…but to 33,000 people I don’t know, I’m an open book!) It’s just a passing wave that hits me now and then, this time precluded by a particular set of events that just hit me at the same time.
Thanks for your understanding and I’m glad to hear you’re satisfied with what you have.
Weirddave Do ya think that pushing the grocery cart up (and down) the aisles and then running to the car to unload would do it? I could still wear a long flowing skirt and put flowers in my wind-blown hair.
I think this cannot be overemphasised. How you view the world really does effect how you view the world. It may sound so stupid, but it really is true.
Expectations can be very burdensome and lead to disappointment. A mix of realism, optimism and a slightly exaggerated sense of one’s degree of control of what is going on around oneself can go a long way.
Once things start going bad, it’s really easy to see the world through mud stained glasses. This is not good. Sometimes we just have to tell ourselves that we are going to start turning this battleship around whatever and how ever long it takes. Celebrate the small victories.
So have you found what you’re looking for?
Not yet, but I am only twenty. However, I have set out the plan that will get me to it.
Are you satisfied and fufilled?
Not quite, but close to. See above.
Does it exist?
Abso-bloody-lutely. Feel free to email me (it’s in the profile), and I promise to make you laugh about it while restoring your faith in humanity. 
Salem – I’ve taken a different route through life (middle-aged but never married, no kids), but also sometimes kind of stop and look around and think “Whoa, what idiot made these life decisions? Oh, wait, that would be me.” As the Talking Heads so eloquently put it, “Well…How did I get here?”
And I definitely know what you and CCL mean about slogging through while not only trying not to let other people’s negativity drag you down, but to pull them out of the morass as well, though for me it’s my underlings, so at least I get to (physically) leave them behind at 5:30.
But to answer your question – I like my life. It’s definitely not what I thought it would be when I was a kid – whatver that was. There’s plenty of days where I’m on automatic pilot and just getting done what needs to get done – but there are also days when when something nice happens (a brief conversation with someone, my cat doing something particularly cute, a beautiful moonrise as I’m heading home from work) and I think, “ah, life is good.”
(You were worried your OP was incoherent? I have no idea what I’m trying to say here, let alone whether I’ve said it.)
You can email me at twickster47@yahoo.com if you’d like.
You may not be asking for advice, but I’ll give it to you anyway. It is quite evident that you are toying with the idea of having either a real live or purely (virtual or real) emotional affair to satisfy your unmet needs for connection and emotional sustenance in an unhappy marriage, and that your latest child has delayed your exit strategy indefinitely.
You might be able to easily get away with it initially, but at some point virtual relationships can get as complicated as real world relationships, and many a marriage has been destroyed in nasty and messy ways by online affairs. It’s a slippery slope and before you put your foot on that path (if it is not there already) you had best understand the end game risks. In this case it appears to be a 40 + year old single mother maintaining a household with a toddler and two older kids.
If you are itching to replace your old tarnished and battered knight with a new bright and shiny knight it would probably be best from a housekeeping perspective to give your husband fair warning of your intent to divorce him and move on, and to begin the proceedings that would make that a reality. No one likes or deserves to be emotionally or physically cuckolded and the gossamer web of rationalizations you are weaving to support your desire to do this are usually morally insupportable in the context of the wedding vows you made.
You may be a tired, underappreciated, under-flirted with woman in in a boring and unsatisfying marriage, but going outside your marriage to find these things is probably not the wisest course of action in the long run for a smooth exit strategy.
Lorenzo, You’re absolutely right. And it IS up to me to turn things around. Right now, certain options are not viable, however. But I’m starting to take steps to turn things around - and maybe putting this out there in words and in public was one of them. I knew the dopers would be good for a slap (mostly gentle, of course) of reality and noone has let me down yet! But how about you? Are you satisfied with your life? It sounds like you have a very positive attitude and probably choose to see things in that light. I’m going to keep trying to get back there, too.
Daerlyn, Thank you for the infuse of energy! You sound downright bouncy. But seriously, I love your enthusiasm and positive spirit! And I bet you will get exactly what you want with that attitude. I could use a good dose of humor with a side of faith restoration. A goal and a plan and the energy and attitude to carry them out. I’m sure you’ll go far.
b]Twickster47** I love those “Ah, life is good” moments. And it’s been my own damn fault for not finding more of them lately. Thanks for the reminder to look. And your post wasn’t at all incoherent. Of course this is coming from someone who rambles with the best of them, so it may not be all that reassuring coming from me!
astro I’ll save you for a whole response of your own. (This is getting too long) Bet you feel lucky.
I’ve known people who came from good families, had a lovely life just handed to them, and couldn’t find one damned good thing to say about anything. We all know people who have had the crap end of the stick handed to them, and they just shrug and smile and keep on going.
My point (and I’m sure I had one)? Um, try to be happy, right here, right now, with your life just the way it is. As John Lennon said, life is what happens while we’re busy making plans.
astro You’re quite right on many counts, but let me address one issue in particular. I’ve never cheated on my husband in 17 years and even with all of the mixed feeling I have, I still won’t. If I got to the point that I wanted to have a physical relationship with someone else, I would end my marriage first. But ending my marriage is not something I would do lightly or easily. And right now it’s not even a wise decision for reasons I won’t go into. But ending up as a single 40+ Mom is not a scary thought at all. Hell, in most ways it wouldn’t be a whole lot different than what my life is now. In some ways worse, I suppose, but in many ways better. And I have addressed the issue with my husband. He knows I’m unhappyand he’s not particularly happy either. We’ve both made efforts to try to get things to a better place. I’m just not sure that that’s where I want to end up. I guess, that’s really the crux of the problem. Even if all of the old problems could be fixed, I’m not sure that I’d be happy because of some very basic differences - differences that were always there. I’m not saying that he’s suddenly changed and it’s all his fault. But while those things didn’t seem overwhelming at first, for many reasons, they now do. I’m the one who’s changed, really. I’m just not as easy-going and willing to put up with things that I shouldn’t have to put up with and really I want more out of my life than just settling for some kind of tentative co-existence. I don’t mind a little tarnish and rust, but I’d like to be able to put the armor down.
An emotional affair? I don’t know. You’re more than likely right about it all. (And I hate you for that :)) But I do know that having recently been flirted with (with no intentions of going any further by either one of us), it made me realize that maybe there is more out there and that I still do have the capacity to feel excited and happy and downright cheery (but never perky, I hate perky).
But I sincerely thank you for taking the time to post your viewpoint. I also hope, for your sake, that you’re not speaking from being on the receiving end of something like this. I have no out and out desire to hurt my husband (well, maybe sometimes just a little death wish on trash day…) or to make him more bitter and angry. But I also don’t want to turn myself into a bitter and angry person and I see that happening.
But ever so much more than enough about me…So, ** astro**, are you satisfied with your life?
Hi featherlou, ramble away! I agree with your philosophy. I have had a decent life and have always been grateful for that. And there are still many things in my life that I’m grateful for. And I try very hard to keep up that spirit. It’s the fact that I see it waning that is bothering me so much. But I will keep trying. Thanks for the input.
How about you? Assuming that you follow the same philosophy, what do you do if you feel yourself going off that track?
Naked.
Peace,
mangeorge
I don’t know what I’m looking for. I just figure if I tool around enough, it’ll find me. It’s happened before. I really liked my life about 3 years ago, but had to move and go to a different school, oh, and a bunch of other changes happened that I really had no control over. And so now I’m here, waiting for graduation because I really can’t stand this school anymore. But you know, as much as I hate starting over from scratch (again), I sometimes feel like what I’m looking for is just around the corner.
Hmm. Perhaps that’s all I really need.
You’ll get there, Salem. It’s just around the corner, promise. 
I think you need some sleep. I am entirely serious. Do not underestimate the power of exhaustion! It will rob you of your soul and spirit.
Is there in way on earth that you can check into a hotel with a few good books for at least 4 days? You can tell your husband where to reach you, if he promises not to call unless there is a true emergency.
How long has it been since you spent even five waking hours doing what you wanted to do and nothing else?
I’m trying to be happy with my life right here and right now. Mostly I am; when I lose my perspective, I remind myself that I live in Canada, for heaven’s sake; the worst-off people in all of Canada have it better than 95% of the population of the world. There are things I want to get better (my husband is unemployed right now, and we have aaaaaalmost enough money to get by each month), but on the whole, I’m pretty content.
When I start to get off track with thinking how much better other people’s lives are, I take some time to count my own blessings and remind myself not to compare myself with other people. You should get a copy of the poem “Desiderata” (if you don’t have one already), and get it nicely framed and put it somewhere where you can look at it. It also helps me to keep my perspective.
Three kids, 44 years old - gravity won. It wouldn’t be pretty and I might hurt something.
magickly delicious Congrats on your impending graduation and thanks for the words of encourgment. Hope there’s good stuff around your corner