Well?
What I want is to be married. I was married 15 years ago for four years and it was not a happy marraige. Since then I’ve been in long-term relationships and have lived with two men, but I highly doubt I’d ever live with someone again without being married. Right now, I’ve been living alone with kids for 7 years. That’s a long time.
I’m not miserable in my day-to-day life; I’m fairly content and I have a great support system of family and friends to help me out with the single mother life. I laugh often, I have good self-esteem, and I go out and enjoy things, and I date quite a bit but nothing serious has happened in a long, long time. I secretly crave the security that being married brings- the feeling of being in it together, having someone to share everything with, and having someone love and accept you completely and promising to do so forever and ever. Oh, how I would love that.
And also, to not have to be the sole grownup most of the time. To not have to be the one in charge all the time, the provider, the protector, the decision-maker, the sole consequence-sufferer. I would like to play the girly girl for once, and go get my nails done instead of having to go to the auto parts store. God, I hate the auto parts store.
Not many people know of my desire. I don’t really arrange my social life so that I’m on the prowl for a husband, and I don’t announce it to people as a general rule. I like to project the image that I’m perfectly happy, thank you very much, and I don’t need a man. And I don’t need a man, I just want one.
If I was married, I would be content. I’d look back on all my years as a (relatively) poor single mother, and I’d be grateful. I’d be so good to my husband, he would consider himself the luckiest person alive.
I’ve a feeling that at this point, if I’m ever to get married, I’m going to have to put more effort into it. Online dating doesn’t seem to be working for me. Flirting with random construction workers at the Circle K in the early mornings works okay, but mostly they don’t speak much English. Time to venture out.
And what is it that you want, secretly or openly?