What Do You Want?

Well?
What I want is to be married. I was married 15 years ago for four years and it was not a happy marraige. Since then I’ve been in long-term relationships and have lived with two men, but I highly doubt I’d ever live with someone again without being married. Right now, I’ve been living alone with kids for 7 years. That’s a long time.

I’m not miserable in my day-to-day life; I’m fairly content and I have a great support system of family and friends to help me out with the single mother life. I laugh often, I have good self-esteem, and I go out and enjoy things, and I date quite a bit but nothing serious has happened in a long, long time. I secretly crave the security that being married brings- the feeling of being in it together, having someone to share everything with, and having someone love and accept you completely and promising to do so forever and ever. Oh, how I would love that.

And also, to not have to be the sole grownup most of the time. To not have to be the one in charge all the time, the provider, the protector, the decision-maker, the sole consequence-sufferer. I would like to play the girly girl for once, and go get my nails done instead of having to go to the auto parts store. God, I hate the auto parts store.

Not many people know of my desire. I don’t really arrange my social life so that I’m on the prowl for a husband, and I don’t announce it to people as a general rule. I like to project the image that I’m perfectly happy, thank you very much, and I don’t need a man. And I don’t need a man, I just want one.

If I was married, I would be content. I’d look back on all my years as a (relatively) poor single mother, and I’d be grateful. I’d be so good to my husband, he would consider himself the luckiest person alive.

I’ve a feeling that at this point, if I’m ever to get married, I’m going to have to put more effort into it. Online dating doesn’t seem to be working for me. Flirting with random construction workers at the Circle K in the early mornings works okay, but mostly they don’t speak much English. Time to venture out.

And what is it that you want, secretly or openly?

Money.

Yes it’s shallow. But that’s what I want!

I could move in with my fiance without having to worry about paying all the bills because he’ll still be in university. I wouldn’t have to panic about finding a job as soon as I leave university so I can move to Manchester to be with him. We’d be able to afford to get married, pay off our student loans and have babies!

Money. That’s definitely what I want.

I want to make good money at a job I love. If I have to work, I’d like to do something I’m suited for that allows me to provide a comfortable life for my daughter and myself. Right now I’m taking classes so that I can make that happen.

I’d like to be married as well, with a wife that wants kids.

Hell, a little capacity for self-esteem would be nice, too.

I’d like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this. [waves] Can you and your associates arrange that for me?

Seen on a bumper sticker: Ich will alles!

Money. Money would get me everything I want, except a wife. A simpler life would be nice. Sometimes I think I should sell everything (actually, I’m doing that slowly), selling the house, booting the tenants out of the house in San Diego, and moving in there.

But what I really want is to be able to go flying. Preferably in a helicopter, but anything would do.

Babies. Yeah, the marriage bit would be nice too, but the babies are the main thing. I’ve been broody as hell for nearly 8 years now, and it’s getting harder and harder to deal with.

I want babies, and I want them SOON, damn it.

I want to be unmarried. I’ve been married for 23 years to a guy that I haven’t really loved for probably15 years. I’ve thought many times of getting a divorce, but I have decided that that for now the kids need for us to be together more than I need to be apart.

Oh, yeah? I’ll out-shallow you. Money, money, money!

Seriously, one thing I’ve realized in this life is that money and time are basically interchangeable. If I had (lots) more money, I’d have more time to do things* I* want to do – simple as that. So much of the franticness of modern life comes from trying to fit in the things we need to do, plus the things we want to do, into the little temporal periphery left to us after the nine-to-five. Were we idly rich, we could certainly live more calmly and more graciously.

Immortality would be nice.

I want a job I don’t dread going to every day. I want a job where I’m actually excited to be at work. The job I have now pays crap and makes me want to crawl under my desk and cry at least twice a day.

(And yes, I’m looking for a new one.)

That’s what I thought too, but boy is that decision coming back to bite me in the ass…
-foxy

A really, really cool cell phone.

I hate cell phones, but damn I want a cool one!

I want to be happy. It’s something I work on every day, and so far so good. I’m at a place in my life that’s taking me a long time to achieve, and I’m milking it for all it’s worth.

I want to be financially secure when I retire. I’m seeing what happens when you’re not and it’s downright terrifying.

I don’t want to regret anything in my life. Every experience, friendship, memory and event will be a positive thing, not a negative one.

Food and fresh horses for me and my men.

To keep the friendships I’ve already made, and make new friends besides. I’ve found most people come into your life and leave just as quickly – it’s rare to find someone who sticks with you, but those few are worth their weight in precious gems.

To always have someplace to go back to. A friend’s couch, my mother’s house, just a place to lay my head down.

To finish college. I got my GED, didn’t graduate high school. Left college before getting a degree. I did graduate Americorps, which I’m terribly proud of. Now if can just beat College Algebra!

I want the lottery numbers I’m about to check on-line to match the ones on the ticket I bought last week:

darn.

To be able to accomplish my dream (becoming a teacher) without having to make financial comprimises that sap my independence. Right now I can only really have one or the other- either being confident about working toward my career or being confident about being independent. I want the best of both worlds, damn it!

I want to get this new job that I applied for : Police Dispatch. They want to put me through the training program for that and when I get through with it, I will move on and do IT for the whole city. Fire, Police, City Hall…

Man that would be awesome. If I got that job, I wouldn’t have to worry about trading budget money from food to gas to get to current job.

I want my own house - no more renting - and no mortgage - I want to OWN it. I want a job that I enjoy coming to every day. I want way more money. Hell, right now, I want to go home and I want another hour of sleep.

What the hell DON’T I want is the better question…