Hie thee to a lawyer. And all the best - I can only imagine how much that must suck.
What a crappy circumstance, to have someone not even be willing to try. I’m very sorry to hear this, and I hope that you’re able to bounce back quickly. I’m also sorry that your kids have to be impacted in any way by this.
My best wishes for you going forward.
:looks in mirror to see if BCHH is looking back:
Except for the kids this is exactly how my marriage ended. I know how you feel and you need to know that you can and will get through this. It will take time–you’re not going to wake up next week and feel better. You’ll have good days and bad days. Eventually there will be more good days than bad, but like I said it will take a while.
You need to see a lawyer right now, even if it’s just a consultation. You need to know what your rights are (especially since there’s children involved) and you need to know what you are entitled to once the divorce is final. Do not move out of the house until you meet with a lawyer. I moved out the day before I first met with my lawyer and she told me that she wished I had not moved out. Moving out takes away motivation–if you’re gone she has no reason to move quickly to get the divorce done. Your staying there is an inconvenience to her–don’t take that away until you absolutely have to. I’ve been separated for 10 months–we have no kids and our divorce is still not final because I moved out and took away her reason to get it completed.
In my state you are required to attend counseling or a parenting class if there are children involved before a divorce is granted. I don’t know the details of your state but be prepared for that.
You may feel a need to hurt her (not physically–emotionally or financially). DON’T DO IT. Take the high road. Don’t lower yourself to her level. Make sure everyone knows you are the better person.
If you feel the need to discuss this with someone who knows what you’re going through feel free to PM me. When you want to lash out at her or just want someone to listen–PM me. And remember, no matter how you feel now you will make it through this a stronger and better person. Hang in there!
I’ll add my name to the list of people you can PM should you desire. No kids here, but a very similar out-of-the-blue situation cropped up in my marriage, leading to a fairly rapid end.
It isn’t. I’m merely saying that in cases where women leave men, the men are almost invariably surprised, as was the OP. When men leave women the women tend to have had more of an inkling that something was wrong, and what it was.
Just sending positive thoughts to the OP. I honestly can’t figure out how many marriages Facebook has destroyed. It seems so senseless.
BCHH, it sucks…been there, done that… although I decided to forgive and move on this one time. The next 6 months to a year are critical. She may wake up and realize that this is a mistake and ask you for forgiveness, and it will be up to you to forgive her or tell her your ship has sailed. Take your time to respond to it so you are absolutely comfortable with your decision should the issue come up. Besides the customary lawyering up, go see a therapist yourself, even if you feel you don’t need to. Identify what your strengths and weaknesses are, and build yourself into a dynamic single father. Pay more attention to your daughters (regardless of how much attention you gave them before)…be there for them and help them seek therapy if they need it. Be a rock for them because they will be needing someone to trust and be stable enough to get through the ordeal as well.
I did this for my boys and learned some things about myself that made me a better father (and husband) and thus more attractive to my wife who was caught up with someone while going through a bout of depression in her life. It took about 2 years for her to get through the stages of an affair with someone who was a player who caught her during a weak moment in her life. I played it as cool as I could (by no means was I perfect at it though), knowing that she needed time to go through the phases. Her affair was mostly an emotional with some physical affection, short of sexual. My loss of weight through exercising, keeping my “shit” together through therapy, and doing things alone with the boys eventually made me more attractive than the other guy, plus medication for her depression was also helping her become less susceptible to the advances of the player. But I was determined to win with or without her. It got to the point where I was fighting not for her, but for myself and not become depressed by the affair. I won.
But on the other side of the coin, my confidence got to the point where I was attracting other women too. So…be careful!
Another person you can PM if you want to.
First, I’d like to thank everyone for the support, advice, well wishes and PM therapy offers. I truly, truly appreciate it.
Several have suggested that I see a therapist, in fact I made an appointment to do that on the morning of the very day she gave me the news. It’s not for another week yet, but I do plan on keeping the appointment and plan to get the girls in with a therapist as well.
This is my first marriage and my wife’s second. Her first husband was an ass after the divorce, using the threat of taking their two boys away from her and that kind of thing. Then he would blow off his weekend visitation with them. She realizes now that there’s no way in hell he would have ever have been able to take them, but I think it’s given her a new perspective in that she wants to keep our divorce clean and civil. Since we’re not in a real great financial position right now, she wants to settle things between us without bringing any lawyers into it. I may still consult a lawyer, just to cover my bases.
She’s not asking for any of my 401(k), which is currently about 1/3 larger than hers, not asking for any of my pension from my current job, and despite the fact that I earn more than twice her salary, she doesn’t want maintenance and won’t take the standard 24% of my income for child support because she thinks it’s too much. Of course I could grant her wish and keep all my assets, but I think would be a terrible idea for her agree to such conditions. I’m sure we’ll reach a happy medium. Obviously we discussed the kids as well and will share joint custody, with her having primary placement, since she’s keeping them in the same school district. She’s in agreement that I will see them a couple of nights per week during the school year, weekend time and half & half in the summers.
It wouldn’t be like her to up and leave the area with the kids, I’m not worried about that happening, but you’d better believe there will be a restriction in our agreement about moving.
My new job will be about an hour’s drive from our house, and I plan on moving about 20 minutes closer to it. I will be out of the house soon and they’ll remain here as long as possible while it’s for sale, since we can’t afford to keep it and pay rent and separate utilities.
Cite? I find it incredible and fascinating that you know all of the couples that have ever split up, and the circumstances. Or maybe you could just stick to the OP.
Could you sign all of your posts with “Alice–the divorce thread shitter”?
As for the OP, I think it’s always pretty amazing when a divorce goes down amicably. I think I have one friend that manages to get along with his ex for the kid’s sake.
I don’t know if it’s wise (or even possible) to engineer a divorce without any legal counsel, no matter how amicable. I do know that you can hire one lawyer to represent both of you at once. I have some friends who did it this way; you may want to look into it.
Great, just be sure to get all of this in writing.
That’s actually something we had talked and wondered about, we didn’t know if it was possible for both of us to be represented by the same lawyer. A couple of the places we’ve found online that will sell you a ‘divorce package’ make it sound as if you can do it entirely without representation but acknowledge there are circumstances that may require a lawyer. We should probably consult one.
GET A LAWYER. And get one first. I wish to God I had. My ex begged me to do it “without going through the hassles”, to work out an equitable settlement without involving lawyers. The next day, she blind-sided me with her own lawyer, claiming he was “just there to make sure all the paperwork was done right”. I was in a bad spot, mentally and emotionally (caught her cheating on me after 14 yrs and had just found out my dad was in the final stages of cancer) and I stupidly went along with it. Her lawyer was just that - HER lawyer, and did everything he could to convince me to go along with things that, had I a lawyer of my own, I never would have done.
It sucks, it’s expensive, but it is the ONLY way to cover your ass…ets. Trust me - I know how you are feeling…but get a lawyer! And you can PM me any time.
EDITED TO ADD: Using the same lawyer is NEVER a good idea - and at least in my state, the lawyer is obligated to represent only one side, legally. That’s why I say get one first!
I just went to We the People yesterday and got papers to complete for my divorce. They we’re very nice and helpful and not as expensive as a lawyer. I think it’s $549 including the filing fee and they cover all your bases.
I completely concur. My Husband and I did the same thing when he brought in someone “just to make sure the paperwork was done right.” Since I caught him in the infidelity, he was the one who wanted an amicable settlement.
When all was said and done, six months after the settlement, creditors were coming after me and I ended up going in the whole almost $200k because I did not get a lawyer to protect myself or my assets.
*
Another reason I haven’t re-married in these last 20 years…*
I believe boxers call this ‘leading with the chin.’ Literary folk call it ‘famous last words.’
Best wishes,
hh
Is it “like her” to hook up with an old crush on FB? If this guy says to her, “I want you and the kids to come move in with me right now,” she’ll be out the door with the kids as soon as she hangs up. You are dealing with an alien right now. Be extremely careful about what assumptions you make about what she will and won’t do.
If nothing else, go to a lawyer and get some sort of restraining order which says the kids are not allowed to be moved out of the marital home. You really need to get a lawyer.
I could see not going the lawyer route if you both mutually fell out of love and mutually decided to go your own ways. That’s not the case here. She violated your trust in a severe way already. There’s no reason to think she won’t do it again and again. Get a lawyer.
Your lawyer doesn’t have to be an a-hole, but he should be firm about what you want. Minimum 50% custody, kids can’t be moved from their current school, assets divided as you specified, etc. You don’t have to crush her, but don’t let her walk over your rights in the name of being amicable. If she gets upset because things aren’t going her way, that’s her own issue to deal with. If she really wants things go be amicable, tell her to dump the crush and work things out with you.
Just quoting this because the whole thing, and particularly the part I bolded, needs to be beaten into the OP’s head.
She is not who you thought she was. Maybe, maybe, once, she was. But that is not who she is now. I’m begging you, OP, please put your naivete away. Anytime you catch yourself saying, “It wouldn’t be like her to …” remind yourself what else she’s already done.
Good luck. I might sound harsh, but we all mean well, I promise. There’s just no nice way to say this kind of stuff, and you do need to hear it.
I am just so sorry you are having to go through this! You’ve got lots of good advice here, please try to heed it. I’m sending all the positive vibes I can spare your way!
Clearly Facebook is the true culprit here >_>
Anyway, has anyone suggested you get a lawyer? If not, somebody really should get on that.
Sorry to hear what you’re going through bro. I can’t even imagine how sucky it must be. You sound like a great guy so I hope your wife realizes what a stupid-head she’s being, or maybe I don’t? I mean I hope it works out for the best for you and your kids.