I may be wrong, but I am guessing that BCHH is just one more SDMB poster proving the old addage (Bob Weir, John Barlow) that “You ain’t gonna learn what you don’t want to know”
BCHH, seriously, get yourself a lawyer; deep inside you know that it’s right thing to do…
Get a lawyer. Do it. Sure, there’s that 1% chance that she’s on the level, and a lawyer would be a unnecessary expense. But most likely not. A lawyer will protect your interests, and those of your children.
I also concur with going for 50-50 child custody. If you’re an involved parent, you’ll most likely be providing somewhere around 50-50 ANYWAY so why not make it legal? Because your wife wants full custody and you’re too much of a gentleman to not give it to her? BS. She wants CHILD SUPPORT. Which will be used to cushion her lifestyle and that of her new squeeze. Go with the 50-50. You can always choose to be a gentleman and dole out money to her if it pleases you to do so, but if it becomes your legal obligation to pay her X amount of money every month, you’ll be little more than a paycheck with legs to her and her new man. And it’ll just keep getting ratcheted up at any opportunity, until the kids are 18.
Nope, best thing to do is take the reins, RIGHT NOW, get a lawyer, and keep yourself in control of the situation.
My wife and I divorced using one attorney, and it worked fine. No kids, though, and the decision to divorce was mutual. (FYI, she was having emotional affairs, including at least one with a former lover, but my situation is somewhat different from yours otherwise.) The only problem with using one attorney was that there was no one to catch her mistakes. She failed to tell us a key piece of information that cost us about $5,000 in taxes. It was the kind of thing that wouldn’t be an issue in a rancorous divorce so it probably just didn’t occur to her.
For the sake of your kids I hope you and your wife can continue to work things out amicably. Rest assured that this is not about you; it is something that your wife is going through right now, and will probably regret for the rest of her life. She’s confused because she realizes she is throwing her life away, but emotions make people do crazy things.
I would advise that you insist on paying standard child support, regardless of what your wife says, unless you can work out a joint custody arrangement. This particular issue is not about her or you, it’s about your children. This is going to be tougher on them than it is on you, and money won’t fix that but the lack of money can make it much worse.
BCHH … you out there, dude? Check in with us, will ya?
Is this thing on?
I say forget about the lawyer and believe your wife. Might as well save a couple thousand bucks.
Just kidding.
Lawyer.
Still here, just haven’t been much in the mood to post the last few days. I’m not deserting the thread, just busy with life and stuff. I’ll be on again soon…
I can’t blame you. Keep your chin up.
That’s bullshit. Facebook didn’t end this or any marriage.
If you don’t want to be the first one to bring a lawyer into the divorce and want to do the right thing, why not tell her that you can pay for two lawyers? Or perhaps pay half the costs each? It sounds like you can afford it and there are so many traps, it may be her who feel cheated, it may be you. To have someone to protect your interests will be invaluable and will probably avoid much friction in the years to come. It isn’t about screwing your wife out of something, it’s about making the best possible agreement for you both.
I feel for you. I was in the same situation except it was my husband having the affairs. We went with the same lawyer for the both of us and it didn’t end well. I just wanted to get the divorce over with and move on, so I agreed to things that I really regret now. Like others have posted, look out for you and your kids. Don’t worry about being nice to her and considering her needs because she obviously hasn’t been doing the same for you. I wish you the best!
<searches frantically for DISLIKE button>
I’m sorry to hear your news mate, it must be gutting .
As to people saying to try a reconcilliation would you, can you, ever trust her word ever again ?
Or would you always be harbouring doubts; what ever she said.
Personally I think that she was particulary cowardly in the way that she treated you.
Along with everyone else I totally recommend getting yourself a lawyer.
It doesn’t make sense for him to pay somebody to work for him, then pay somebody to work against him. This is now an adversarial proceeding. The woman in his house doesn’t care for him or his interests. It isn’t about ‘making the best possible agreement for them both.’ She will take care of *her *interests. She has shown that she is quite capable of that, in at least one respect, by cutting him out of her life…oh, except for the fnancial part…she still wants partnership with him, there!
If it is his duty to take care of the finances of somebody that doesn’t care about him, hey, I’ve got some old debts that need cleaning up!
Best wishes,
hh
My guess is that she hasn’t done anything with him yet, but knows she will. She probably thinks she’s being somewhat honourable. In that, she hasn’t cheated, she’s ending this relationship before that happens. And, I could convince myself that she doesn’t ‘know why’, about anything, and is frightfully confused. She may be trying, very hard, to be honest.
My advice, (worth what you’re paying, by the by), if you wish to have a future with this woman, is to stand back and let her play out her crush. Keep the house, and your kids in it, at all costs. Cut her loose, let her stray, remain constant, in devotion to your children and the life you have.
I’d put money on this crush crashing once they’re together 24/7. Rash midlife crisis decisions, or while emotions are running high, very rarely go any distance. If you can step back and let her go, who knows?, you may get lucky, she may come back around, recognize her mistake, when it all blows up on her. Of course, the experience may so change your view of things that you find you no longer want her back, just a risk you’ll have to run, I suppose.
I feel for you, it must be painful indeed. I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you the best in the days ahead.