And the award for "Dirtiest Joke on Network Television" goes to...

Cafe Society
21

Thanks for the character descriptions, but you’re talking about “Will & Grace”, not “Yes, Dear”.

Anyway, there’s that episode of Simpsons where Lisa (the smarty-pants daughter) was babysitting Bart (the hell-raising son) and had to take him to the hospital because he hurt himself. In front of them at the waiting room was Smithers (the closeted gay assistant to the SNPP owner, who’s secretly in love with his boss, but occaisonally dabbles in extra-Burns affairs). Lisa attests to the urgency of her situation, and begs for a cut, but Smithers says that his is more urgent, and all the while, stands stiffly and refuses to sit down…

22

On Tool Time:

Tim was upset with Jill for using his tools. He wants her to make an oath that she will not longer do this. So he holds out a wrench and says

Put your hand on the tool.

Jill looks at him for a minute and then says “You mean the wrench.” He says in a disgusted voice “Yes, the wrench” and she starts laughing.

Maybe you had to see it.

23

DAMMIT!

yes.

24

Huh? I don’t get it. I mentioned them because I’d seen it a few times, but I didn’t know the names until last week when I started Tivo’ing it. Is that so wrong?

25

psst. “O”, not “U”.

-Joe, not Jue

26

Wouldn’t that be “O in country”?

I’m assuming Hamlet has been shown on network TV. Thus you got this exchange:

Hamlet: May I lay in your lap?
Ophelia: No, my lord.
Hamlet: I mean with my head in your lap.
Ophelia: Yes, my lord.
Hamlet: Do you think I mean country matters?

For those who don’t get it:

“Lay in your lap” requires no explanation. “Country matters” uses the same pun Quagmire uses.

27

Can’t recall specifics, but Burns once tastes a delicious drink (flaming moe maybe?) and turns to Smithers and says “it’s like a part in mouth and everyone is invited”.

And of course the “my hairy aunt” Wheel of Fortune joke in Family Guy.

28

Dammit, should be Burns saying “it’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited”

29

Lucille got some bad news right before George Sr was going to get out of jail. She tells Michael, “I want to cry so bad. But I don’t think I can’t spare the moisture.”

30

And then there are the puns in the names “Flaming Homer” and “Flaming Moe,” not that I got those when I first saw the episode.

Another Arrested Development line:
Tobias: And now you’re mocking me, you selfish cunt- [sees his daughter is in the room] -ry music loving lady!

31

That never struck me as particularly dirty. Am I missing something?

32

Consider the implications of the word “choo-choo.”

33

A play on the joke “There’s a party in my mouth and I want you to come”

34

Although AD and FG routinely take the cake, I still think the dirties thing I’ve ever seen on the networks is Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. One episode of Conan comes to mind where Triumph was on Hollywood Squares.

He was asked the obvious set-up question:
Host: “Triumph, for the X, your question is: How often do veterenarians recommend cutting your dog’s hair?”

Triumph: “Well sir, I don’t believe in shaving dogs. But shaved pussies on the other hand…”

35

Newlywed Game:

Q: What was the strangest place you’ve ever made whoopee?
A: That’d be up the butt, Bob.

36

That’s pretty tame when compared with the episode from a couple of weeks ago where Cameron was upset about House’s lack of empathy for a patient who’d had a colonoscopy without any pain meds or sedatives:

Jaw --> Lap.

37

That, and “Burns” should be “Moe”, and “Smithers” should be “Homer”.

38

[QUOTE=Larry Mudd]
Quote:
Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?

House: No. But I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college./QUOTE]

Sweet Zombie Jesus…that’s really dirty.
And funny.

39

That’s the first one I thought of.

40

I have another one, actually two, from Will & Grace.

When Grace and Leo first meet, she’s on the ground after having just run into a lamp post and getting a cut on her forehead. In a later scene, Leo approaches her in a coffee shop and tries unsuccessfuly to get her to go out with him. At some point he says “I just want to have a look at your gash”. Not much shocks me, but for some reason that struck me as so dirty, and I and Grace gasped simultaneously. After having seen it a few times, I almost wonder if Harry Conick Jr. ad-libbed that line because Debra Messing sure looked stunned.

In the episode where they’re having Karen’s husband’s funeral, Karen says to Minnie Driver’s character (the husband’s mistress) “eat me”. That just seems a tad nasty for primetime. Not that I mind, I’m just surprised they got away with it.

I bet if I really thought about it, I could come up with lots more smutty fun from Will & Grace.