Yea, and the rejoicing was great, and the singing did reach even unto the heavens, and the foul stench of filth was not be seen or found in this gathering of righteous dopers. And the rejoicing will continue to be great until the righteous sire, now gladdened by the truth that the fruit of his loins reeketh not, receives:
The Bill Of The Waters!! 
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wally
The aged Turtle Wizard considers the plight of the Child of Filth for a while, then speaks in words based upon ancient and accurate lore:
“Dude! Yer never going to get your ashes hauled as long as you stink like that. Lemme say this a different way. That hottie you got your eyes on? She wouldn’t let you get within 10 yards of her without blowing chunks in your direction.”
And the prophet spake unto the father saying…
“Thy son hath partaken in the ritual of the water and soap and cloth. And though he reeketh no longer, is not the job only half complete? For as the noon sun still shines brightly overhead reminding us that a half-day’s toil still awaits us.
Although he hath cleansed himself of bodily funk, does he not still fit himself in the robes of grunge?
Although he hath removed the filth and grease from his hair, does he not lay his head still upon the same pillow of rest?
Though his body may no longer reek, are his tents and belongings in such putrid disarray so as to drive off even the rats and spiders and scorpions.
Yay, verily, I say unto you that the Child of Filth resideth in all lands. In all families there resideth such a Child. And he must be brought up to the eyes of the multitude wheren jeering and muchconsternation will be heaped upon him. Thereby shaming the Child of Filth into changing his ways. And not only will he then partake of the ritual of water and cloth and soap; he shall also partake of the ritual of regular washing of the garments, and the brushing of teeth, and the operation of the vacuum cleaner, and the folding and putting away of clothes.
Then, to the eyes of the multitude the Child of Filth will forever vanish, to be replaced by the Child of Honor and Virtue and Cleanness.”
Amen
Here endeth the lesson.
I think you’re missing the ultimate point (no offense). Even if the Child Of Filfth doesn’t like the wee girlies maybe he’d like to stay healthy. Washing helps you stave off all kinds of infections and common sickness.
Even if you don’t care about being sick, most everyone else does. That means they won’t hang around you. Guys or girls!
Maybe you’re not interested in having a girlfriend. But, surely you don’t want to be all alone. The cool people don’t want to have the “Smelly Kid” as their friend.
I say this: You’ve tried the lack of cleanliness thing already. Try the washed and smell good thing for a while and see if things don’t change.
If they don’t change, then stay clean and smelling good anyway! It’s better for you.
And as ever, there occasionally came among them an outsider, who spake with a tongue that is forked. Though strange and alien were his words, and also his instrument of musical expression, the thought behind them was wise and worthy of heed.
Therefore the outsider was not ostracized, but chided with laughter and snickering of much good cheer and comradeship. Also he was invited to break bread with them, and knock back one that is cold.
Thus the parable of the Child of Filth contains lessons within lessons, and also much amusement.
Child of Filth, TAKE HEED! For these are the days that will haunt you, many years hence, when thy noble mother and thy wise father break bread with women you hope to know in a Biblical way, and they shall recount for the unsuspecting female thy Hair of Greese and other abominations which shall drive this desired female screaming into the night.
Ergo, shower EACH morning, applying liberal applications of soap and water to thy hiney, TWICE on days you partake in sports and/or occur in the summertime. Thy hair, throughout the day, should have nothing on it save a touch of hairspray or perhaps a ballcap, none of the greese thy father spake of. For no woman wishes to snuggle a skunk.
Seriously, Dude, listen to your dad.
Patty
Lest the Child of Filth wouldst be tempted to stray from his path of righteousness like the lamb from the flock, let us offer up this cautionary parable:
In the beginning, there was a child of same tender teenage years as the Child of Filth, who entered into a private citadel of learning for those of his kind. Said citadel, of venerable age, lacked of the miracle known as Air Conditioning, to which the child was accustomed. This knowledge was vouchsafed to the child upon his entry into the Citadel, yet he knew not of its sinister import.
For the Child, whilst acquainted with the Rite of Shower, oft neglected the minor rites of the Soap and Shampoo. The ceremonial Laying of the Deodorant upon the Armpit was a mystery to him like unto the words of the Greeks. Whilst the weather was cold and the land lay fallow, this habit went unremarked by his newfound brethren, for he anointed himself with the Cologne quite heartily. These brethren didst embrace him into their Popular Clique and didst shew the child females who found him comely. And the child didst give thanks for having come unto such congeniality, for as a new member of the Citadel, he had been sore afraid of rejection.
It came to pass that after two moons of the child’s entry into the Citadel, the sun returned again to bless the earth, and one afternoon, the child was permitted to play outside with his brethren in the class of Physical Education. In the court of Basket-Ball did the child strive, and his efforts were mighty. Flushed with the sweat of his exertions, the child didst return to his next class at the Citadel in great good cheer.
But his joy at success came with a price unspeakable. For it was that class of Study Hall, at the pinnacle of the Citadel, that became the child’s Gethsemane; for tho’ the windows were wide to welcome the winds, naught could diminish the stench of the child, for he was sore afflicted with a reek that would peel paint. And lo, the room of said Citadel was high unto the heavens, and not only because it was on the third story.
Such was the misery this stench gave to those around him that e’en those who hadst called him friend and brother didst beg upon bended knee and with watering eyes to the Mighty Power of the Instructor to banish them from the presence of the child, and the child was sore humiliated. Tho’ the Mighty Power didst excuse him tactfully and bade him wash, the damage wast done, and the child found himself as an unwashed heathen amongst the Saved from that day forward. The Ruling Clique cast him out of the walls of their circle, and didst stone him with unkind invective and dubbed him Pits. With the walls of the Clique closed tight against him, he was forced to walk yet alone, for the females who hadst once found him comely refused to accept his offer of dates, lest they too, be ridiculed for being seen in his company. His prayers for transfer went unredeemed by his Parents, for they had sacrificed much to pay the tuition to the Citadel, and could not afford to send him elsewhere. And yea, life did well suck for him for the rest of the year, until he could transfer anew.
[And to make matters worse, that was the last period of the day and the janitor locked the room up over the weekend. You do NOT want to know what the place smelled like Monday morning. Or what the kid got called for the rest of the year. Teenagers are cruel little shits. So speaketh the Mighty Power.]