And Yea, the Child of Filth Did Arise

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

In the beginning, God made the heavens and the earth. Some time later, perhaps days, perhaps millions of years, he did make the Child of Filth, and the Child did walk upon the Earth.

And yea veily did there cometh a day upon which the Father of the Child of Filth did speak, and unto his son he gave the following words:

“Child, thou shalt take heed of my words for my words are Law, and they maketh the Rules that thou must follow. The First Commandment is thus: Thou shalt bathe daily, and scrub thy skin with the Soap and the Cloth, so that ye shall be clean. The Second Commandment is thus: Thou shalt wash thy hair, and in the washing ye shall use the Shampoo, and ye shall do the Lather, the Rinse, and the Repeat (if needed).”

“But Father,” replied the Child. “Why must it be so? Why must I partake of the Soap, and the Cloth? Why must I take the Shampoo, and perform the ritual of Lather, Rinse, and Repeat (if needed)?”

And the Father spake unto his son, “Thou reek of the stench of sweatsocks many months old, and from thy hair, which was once bright and shining, I could remove enough grease to fry the Potatoes that are French.”

And in the rashness and unthinking nature of youth the Child replied: “So?”

The Father replied “So? The stench of thee dost madden me. With this stench thou canst not get the babes. Thou canst not make the friends. With the Hair of Grease, thou canst get near flame for fear of fire! That is why you must bathe, and perform the Ritual of the Lather, Rinse, and Repeat (if needed)!”

And the foolishness of the child again reared its unwashed, ugly head: “The girls don’t care, I have all the girls I can stand.”

“But,” the Father said. “We have not seen these girls that you have so many of. Has the phone rung? Nay! Have the love notes been sent? Nay! We must conclude that you are without girls, for you are Unclean.”

The Child did then say: “Even so, the girls doth not care about the Stench or the Hair of Grease. Ask anyone.”

And verily the Father thought, and after thinking he said unto the Child, “We shall see what the Women think, then.” And he bade the Daughter of many, many, many, many showers per day to speak and render unto the Father her opinion.

And the Daughter did so, and her words to the Child were simple and direct:
“You’re nasty. And my friend Caroline said you’d be cute if you washed every other month or so.”

So the Father then turned to the Mother, and bade her to speak her mind. And the Mother spake unto the Child the following:
“Yep. You reek, and there’s no girl that will get within 10 feet of you.”

The Father turned to the Child, with a smirk upon his face, and the light of Wisdom in his eyes, and said thusly: “Did I not speak it so? Have you not seen the Light?”

And the Child did reply:

“They don’t count as women. Verily the Daughter is of my flesh and blood, therefore she is not Woman. And the Mother is also of my Flesh and Blood, and yet she also, is not Woman.”

“But what of the Caroline? What of She Who Thinkest You’d be Cute?” asked the Father.

“That’s just rumor,” replied the Child. "I won’t beleive it until I hear from some real women.

And the father thought again, for much time. Then he said unto the Child of Filth:

“Hear me! I have taken counsel with my thoughts, and have come to a Decision, and my Decision is thus: I shall posteth this problem upon the Board that is Straight of Dope, for it is the font of all Wisdom! There we shall poseth the question to the Women who visit the Board that is Straight of Dope, and there we shall seek the Answer to the Problem.”

And verily did the Father turn on the computer, and he did maketh his post, and he posed the question thusly:

“Women of the Board that is Straight of Dope, what dost thou think? Is the Child of Filth better than the Child of Cleanliness, or is the Child of Filth forever doomed to a life of lonliness?”

2

Wash thyself, O Child Of Filth, for verily, I canst smell thee even through my computer monitor–yea, even thy pixels reek.

3

Do thou perform the Ritual of Soap and Cloth and the Ritual of Lather Rinse Repeat (If Needed) for verily, no woman shall approach thee until she can stand within ten yards of thee without performing the Ritual of Gacking. They who are fair of face and mind shall not approach thee until the true color of thy skin shall shine forth after the removal of the Filth that covers thee. Verily, thou dost reek mightily.

4

Suffer the little girlfriends to come unto thee, for indeed they will suffer the vicissitudes of olfactory hell, being in your presence.

Shed thy garments and bathe thy battered body in the cleansing waters. For then the spirit of love rather than the aroma of putrescence will surround thee. And then the flocks will come…flocking.

And so sayeth the mother.

Translation: Get into the shower, NOW. You stink.

5

thou must perform the ritual of cleanliness.

yea, they that art the pearls of womankind do not cast themselves at swine.

6

Get thee bathed

Thou be funky

So spaketh Aenea also

7

Cleanliness is next to Studliness.

8

Should the Child not perform the Ritual of Soap and Water, he may not necessarily be doomed to a life of loneliness - as there are women who have also eschewed the Ritual. I have witnessed this with mine own eyes. But these women are few and far between; they are difficult to find, and they also reek to the highest heaven. Verily, the couple will face the world alone, as the two of them together far exceeds what most mortals are able to bear.

It is certain, the Child who performs the Ritual daily will certainly be more blessed with the company of Women.

[sup]Take the shower[/sup]

9

Cast thyself into the warm waters, even unto thy head. Take soap and cloth to thy skin and bring forth lather into thine hair and step from thine enclosure a new creature, a creature shining and bright. I say unto thee, Child of Filth, do these things each sunrise or sunset (or there abouts) and thou shall be rewarded. Yea, shall you step but from dirt and stench, thou shall become that which is sought by all ages, but most fervently by the young and vigorous. Lo, and the heavens proclaim:
Thou shall be DATEWORTHY!

10

In the year of our Lord 1995, Lo there was another such child in the Great-(But-Not-So-Great-As-Canadia)North. Verily did he “bathe” seven days a week (so long as he wouldst wake up at least 30 minutes prior to class). But in bathing he did clean none of his body but let water run over it, for he had not been taught proper hygiene by his parents. When others had soap, he had … naught. When others had shampoo, he had a bottle with which he accompanied himself to the shower and from the shower.

When yon lad did arrive at the Great-(But-Not-So-Great-As-Canadia)North, yon lasses therein spake well of him. “Lo, he is a cute boy, and he singeth well, and he sweareth not often, and indeed his mind is full of his studies”.

And behold several of them developed crushes on him, and he on them (though of the others he knew not). And behold two weeks later they concluded that he did smell of the Stinkin Creek and desired him no more.

And so it continued (for the most part) four years; and behold those years were hard for him (nearly ending in death) in part because of how he smelled.

Now, in the summer after he graduated, he did finally Get A Clue about hygiene, for in it he had been almost completely lacking, and lo his success with girls …

stayed the same.

UNTIL

August of 2002, when he met someone (which meeting had nothing whatsoever to do with hygiene but was indeed luck). And yea he did not reek mightily but was positively tolerable (the someone he met might put it differently;)). And behold her family didst take to him well, even her (possibly menopausal) mother. And behold her father didst like his hair, which his sisters had cared none for lo these three years it had gone without the scissors. [stuff about knowing each other deleted]

Heed now these words of wisdom: the only kind of stinking man women will lust for is a man who is stinking rich. And lo, child, this you are not, for you cannot sell the grease in your hair nor the dirt on your face and neck, else yours would be all the uncharted islands in the world.

But lo I say unto you this filth may be serving a viable purpose; that being either that the child does not want to be bothered by girls or that he is in the grunge scene at school. Doth his friends carry the same smell wherever they go, or is this Child alone in his celebration of smell?

11

Verily I say unto you, there is reek and there is Teenage Reek.

For the sweat of a hard-working man fresh from tilling the fields and tending the cattle and sheep is such that a woman can swoon with desire. It is a sign the man doth care for her and the fruit of their loins, and works hard to provide for them.

And the Teenage Reek comes from the Bowels of Hell and is Demon Sent. It comes not from hard work but from laziness. If a man doth not care for his body as a temple for the Lord with regular cleansing, how doth such a man expect the babes to want to worship at such a temple?

Hie thee to a shower, my son. The rewards of clean skin and shiny hair shall be yours, unto the ends of the earth.

12

Remember, rank child, wash thine face in the morning, neck at night…

13

… although a tiny sweat odour can be rather alluring, on the right person.

Note the “tiny” part, it’s rather important.

14

As a fifteen-year-old girl, I may proclaim:

I would not date thee if thy stench is as your sire has described. Cleanse thyself, or be forever doomed to be without a date. Stench is offputting, and hair of grease is disgusting. Clease thyself, cleanse thyself, please.

~monica :wink:

btw, how many years have thee?

15

Get thee to thine shower else suffer mine wrath and ye forceth me to hose thy stinkiness with yon hose of Garden in the yard that is front in sight of yon neighbors!!

16

This Woman who is neither the Child of Filth’s flesh and blood nor Caroline says unto the Child:

Thou shalt never partake of the flesh of Woman until thy foul odors hath been exorcised, thy hair hath been degreased, and thou weareth deodorant daily. Doeth the laundry and keepeth thy facial hair in order, or the Women will avoid thee, and thou shalt be doomed to an eternity of self-love.

17

Ah, but the opposite can be the preference of the woman:)

18

And yea did the child read what was written on the Board that is Straight of Dope, and he did heed the words of the wise!

Verily he set forth to the shower!

He did perform the Ritual of the Cloth and Soap!

He did perform the Ritual of the Lather, Rinse, and Repeat! (It was needed, most definitely.)

He did spring forth from the bathroom smelling of Irish Spring! And yea, the women of the Flesh and Blood did say unto him:

“Thou no longer dost reek of putrid flesh and thy hair is no longer of the Grease! Praise be to the wise and great dwellers upon the Board that is Straight of Dope! Praise unto them! And put on some underwear!)”

And the Father did speak unto the gathering of dwellers and he said thusly:

“Go forth and spread the word to all those that might reek, and I thank you for your wise counsel and words of humor.”

And the Father did rejoice! And he spake unto Duck Duck Goose and he said: “The boys pixels no longer reek, indeed, his room even begins to smell of Cleanliness!”

Unto iampunha the Father did say: "Nay, the Child is not into the Grunge, or is he into the Reggae which groweth the Dreadlocks, Mon. Indeed, his friends, those that we know, do reek of the Polo Sport, and the Calvin Klein. However, we dost not begrudge them this, for the Wearing of the Cologne takes time to master.

And unto the Kalessa he said: “I thank you, for truly the Child of Cleanliness is now DATEWORTHY!”

Thus did the Prophecy come true! For the Child of Filth did clean himself, and the Girl did come flocking, taking comfort in the fact that even his Pixels did no longer reek!

And the monica did seek an answer, as she waited breathlessly for the Clean Child to respond, but lo, she was sorely disappointed, for the Clean Child did say:

“Jesus dad, you can be so embarrasing. I didn’t think you’d actually post it.”

And the Father did laugh, and report that the number of the child was 15, and the year of the child did be 15, and that he was 15 years old. And the the Father said:

“My child shall not speaketh to Flirts.”

19

Then did all the people rejoice, and were exceeding glad, that the child was of filth no more, and that no longer did his stink offend of mine nostrils.

And they arose, and beset themselves to singing and making merry. And the words of their song rose up before the Lord, and the noise of their rejoicing came up to the Most High.

Yea verily.,
Shodan

20

And thus did the Father learn the ultimate truth…

Embarrassment can be a powerful weapon, and yea, shall be used with caution and temperance. For lo, such wise words released into the space that is cyber cannot be deleted, and can be used over and over as needed.