Ann Coulter and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad USA Today

So, you may not have known, but USA Today had the ingenious idea to hire Ann Coulter to cover the DNC (and Michael Moore to cover the RNC, but we can talk about that when the convention is going on, I guess).

Putting aside the obvious insanity of this idea, it sounds pretty good, right? A couple of ideologues covering the opposite number’s party, should make for some laughs.

Well. Little did they know they weren’t even going to get out of the gate with it. Long story short, Coulter submits a bilious, spittle-flecked, hate-filled screed, which the editors at USA Today decline to publish. According to Ann,

Ah, yes, the “they’re all against me” defense, a favorite of children and people who act like children the world over.

Giving the readers a chance to decide for themselves which party has the shit-for-brains, Ann went and posted the contraversial article on her website. I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader to decipher Ann’s ramblings, save only to quote my favorite part:

Nice, eh? Classy broad, that Ann. You can almost smell the foam around the mouth, with that one little hypnotic wobbly bit right in the corner, just taunting you…occasionally forming a small bubble, then bursting, and starting over…

Now, I know pitting Ann Coulter is on a par with pitting Bill O’Reilly in terms of frequency, but I just can’t ignore this kind of batshit insanity. Is that so wrong?

In any case, I will leave you with one last quote, again from Ann:

From this column

Yeah, I read that and larfed my ass off.

"USA Today declined to print an essay that starts out, reasonably enough, “Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston, conservatives are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones wearing crosses or American flags. The people sporting shirts emblazened with the “F-word” are my opponents,” and then gets incrementally more hyperbolic with each paragraph. Help! Help! I’m being oppressed!"

Eh. As long as she can resist the urge to dig the coke bugs out of her face, she’s holding up better than I would’ve thought.

Holy moly. I guess “What a dumbass” will be enough of an analysis, after reading that.

But then, I’m probably one of those fragrant hippies, or something. Jeesh.

Fuck USA Today for not publishing it. Except, of course, it should have been put in the comedy section. Or perhaps in a special on clinical psychiatry.

All that surprised me is that USA Today was that stupid. What did it expect from Ann Coulter? Journalism? Give me a break.

You mean you expect real journalism from USA Today?

Well, touche. :smiley:

You quote the most acerbic comments Coulter made – the rest of her column was milder in tone. Still, somebody should get that girl to switch to decaf before she hurts somebody.

Is anyone else having trouble accessing Coulter’s website?

I was thinking more like getting some Midol in blow dart form and going after her myself.

Heard Coulter on O’Reilly yesterday defending this diatribe. Even though O’R was more or less on her side, it is astounding how often she descended into “shrill, hysterical bitch” mode. Really, if you want to defend you position, screaming, and saying “I don’t want to talk about it” is perhaps not the way to go.

 The tone of the interview, and the essay in question really reminded me of a spoiled high-school princess caught doing something naughty, who then throws a tantrum when she can't get her own way. Most of these girls eventually grow up. Coulter dosn't seem to have.

The editors at USA Today probably had a much harder time reading Coulter’s column in its original Crayon rendition.

In the interests of fairness, it needs be said that the delightfully equine Ms. Coulter (“Anne of Green Goebbels”) is in no wise representative of the rational and reasonable American right, as represented here by posters too numerous to mention. Well, three, actually, but they’re shy and easily embarassed.

That said, its a good bet that the guy at Useless Today who made this bodacious decision is looking for a job today. Actually, his assistant is looking for a job today, but so it goes…

“…My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie hick pie wagons they call “women” at the Democratic National Convention…”

This is classic Coulter, the finest distillation of content-free bile yet to spew. She called them everything but “lesbian” (hmmmm…wonder why?..too close to home?..enquiring minds recoil in horror…)

“Corn-fed” I get, refering to pigs with a destiny as “pork futures”, probably inferring “sow”. A lot of men, naive children that we are, think women don’t talk nasty about each other. They do, and this is “da bomb”.

“No make up”. Yeah, well, some use it, some don’t. Some need it. Some are beyond such help, gilding the Lilith.

“no bra-needing” Oooooh! Call in the IBTC! (The Itty Bitty Titty Committee). Sorry, Annie, but here’s the truth: a sharp wit and a kicking rack is a joy to my darkly lustful heart, you bethca! But all the cup size in the world won’t make a harridan provoke a hard-on.

“sandal-wearing”… This is kinda interesting, in the ongoing “What the fuck is it with women and shoes?!” question. Guys only: if you hear a woman use the expression “fuck-me shoes”, do you know what she’s talking about? Pretty sure about this: sandals ain’t it.

“…hirsute, somewhat fragrant…” Hairy? You mean like hairy-legged, or hairy pitted, or hairy headed? Does Annie shave her legs, or does she rasp it off with a file? And that “fragrant”… That can’t mean what my pervo mind thinks it means, can it? Women just don’t say things like that about other women, “sow” is as low as they go. Or did I miss another memo? Must be talking about pachouli oil, or Walgreen’s knock-offs of Obsession.

“hippie” I get, standard issue slur, comes with the press kit.

But here’s where I get confused. I kind of like some good ol’ scorching invective, its entertaining, so I like to keep informed. Was it really “hippie hick” or did they mis-transcribe “hippy chick”?

Or is it “hick pie wagon”? And what in the hell is a “pie wagon”?.

I call upon our much revered female Dopers in the struggle against ignorance. If I hear a woman call another woman a “pie wagon”, what is she saying?

carrot, you owe my web browser a memory scrub for compelling me to visit Ann Coulter’s website. If you didn’t tell me ahead of time it was a genuine Coulter column, I’d almost peg it as a very clever parody.

Oh yeah, as if these gems were any improvement:

Ick, now I need a shower…

Fucking conservative press.* USA Today should have printed the first draft, as is. There is nothing that the Democrats could have written that could have helped them more than that li’l bucket of venom.

*I’M JOKING, of course. USA Today just wants to keep up whatever polished image they think that they have.

Thanks to Daisy Mae’s mere presence in this thread, I can’t get this out of my mind

The Dogpatch county delegate, one A Yokum by name walks into the convention center.

“Why this is mos’ unekspekked! The men are wearin’ fine straw hats! Jes’ lak mine! An the wimmen ain’t done washed in weeks! It’s almos’ lak Ah never left Dogpatch!”

Report from exhaustive research…ok, just Google…but anyway

“Pie wagon” means a chubbette, infering a dietary dependence on pastries, etc.

Yes, you’re right. I should include some quotes that show Ann’s softer side. Here we go!

Yes, ever the voice of reason is Ann Coulter.

It’s true that I did quote the worst one in my OP, but that was merely because it was my favorite crazy-bitch quote. C’mon, you’ve gotta admit “hippie hick pie wagons” should be in the DSM IV as a symptom. Of what, though, I have no idea.

So, USA Today hires Ann Coulter to write a column and then are just shocked and appalled when she proceeds to write a column in the exact same style as all of her writings? Gimme a break. They shouldn’t have hired her if they didn’t like her writing.

The comments that Ann posted by USA today are priceless, however.

(The page isn’t loading right now, no doubt due to the fact that Drudge has picked up this story and thus increased her web traffic by an order of magnitude or so.)

It’s obvious if you read the responses from USA Today that whichever editor they assigned to this simply didn’t know what he was doing.

She has another setting?

Coulter’s Syndrome, another form of Cognitive Dissonance. Associated with anorexia obnoxia, an eating disorder wherein the diet centers around methamphetamine, diet soda, wormwood extract, and sour grapes

See Prof. I. Corey, Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality