Annoyed with daughter over missed trip to Europe

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK - just venting and rolling a couple of ideas around…

My daughter is 15 and in 9th grade. She is awesome, smart, funny, shy, messy, disorganized, cautious and a bit of a slacker. She is also very frugal and doesn’t ask for much or like to think she is putting her dad or I out. We joke that when she opens her wallet, moths fly out. She always hits the sale rack first when shopping. She takes all AP or Pre-AP classes, track, Latin and orchestra.

That doesn’t sound like the schedule of a slacker, I know. She is a slacker in that she is lazy about homework and often turns papers in late, which affects her grades. Her binders and her room are a mess. She’s like Pig Pen- the Charlie Brown character that leaves a trail of mess behind him where ever he goes. She turns in papers late, I think, because she is shy and doesn’t like to approach teachers about missed or late work.

Her school takes a lot of trips- one big one every year. I only sent her on the 5th grade DC trip and skipped the China, Egypt and the Yucatan trips. This year’s summer trip in London, Paris, Rome- 10 days, $2700.00. She said she wanted to go, so I saved money all year. I told her it seemed like a good value. It covered round trip air fair, transfers, hotel, some guided tours and two meals a day. Plus, afterward, the kids can take a test and write an essay and get college credit!

I specifically told her it was not a hardship and saved money all year for the trip, keeping her updated occasionally about the savings plan. I offered to go with her… or not- her choice. She even cracked open her cobweb-covered wallet and bought a digital camera a while back in anticipation of this trip.

Lately, I’ve been asking her “Have your heard anything about the trip?” “Do you have a handout about that trip?” and “Isn’t there supposed to be a parent meeting about that trip right about now?” She always replied " I haven’t heard anything" and “I don’t know.”

So I emailed the teacher yesterday and found out she has missed the trip registration deadline. Plus her grade in that class is only a 60 and you have to be passing to go. I’m sure she will bring the grade up before school is out- she always does. She could still go but there will be a $300.00 late registration fee.

But I’m feeling disinclined to send her on this trip.

It seems that if it was really important to her, she would have done something about it like bring me the information sheets. It’s not like I didn’t ask. I can’t believe it was not discussed in class at least a couple of times. How could she not have known about the registration deadline? And, the late fee would have been the bulk of her spending cash (which I could easily replace).

I told her last night that she had missed the deadline and her face turned red. She said “But we told them I wanted to go.”

My feelings are that

  1. I hate her to miss this opportunity
  2. I hate paying a late fee
  3. She slacked
  4. I don’t want to ‘bail her out’ or fix things for her
  5. If she really wanted to go, she should have taken action
  6. Not going is the natural consequence of her inaction
  7. It’s a luxury
  8. There’s always next year (London only)…and
  9. I sure hate for her to miss this fun and educational trip
  10. Her grade is bad

So, I told her to talk to her teacher about it today. Maybe she can’t because today is a test day. Maybe she won’t because she avoids talking to teachers.

Perhaps I wanted her to go more than she did. I can’t tell if she just wasn’t really all that hot about the trip or she missed the deadline because…well, why.

2

It’s a wonderful opportunity and reasonably priced. You are (sound like) an awesome parent.

Maybe you can make a deal with her (while also gauging how much she really wants to go) by telling her you’ll pay the late registration fee if she agrees to pick all her grades up by the end of the year?

3

Tough one!

Bailing out your kid every now and again is ok. That’s what parents are for- to be that safety net for your kids. Clearly, you wouldn’t want to bail your kids out all the time such that it becomes expected and personal skills aren’t developed.

She’s 15 and a bit scattered and clueless. As a mom of a 16 YO 10th grader, it’s pretty expected. SO you have to ask yourself this question:

Will she benefit more from successfully going on the trip: budgeting money, having to meet deadlines (like where to meet up with the group, being ready in the morning for a group tour), independence, exposure to other countries etc than should would from the lesson of losing the trip?

Only you can answer that for your child and your family, but it’s a fair question to ask. If you choose to say yes and send her, be assured that bailing her out and facilitating her going on this trip won’t send your daughter down a path of ruin and irresponsibility. That comes from a pattern of parenting over a young lifetime, not from any one decision.

4

Learn now or learn later. Basically she procrastinated and then felt guilty either about not knowing or having missed the registration deadline. She seems to have secretly hoped someone else would flag the problem so she could avoid bringing it up and disappointing you.

Bad habits and definitely not ones you’d want to reward. Besides it isn’t as if there wont be a great trip next year that you already have cash for.

5

Your daughter sounds a bit like me, and I suspect that I have ADD, though I haven’t been diagnosed. I am disorganized and miss deadlines. I had trouble turning in homework on time, and it affected my grades. I have no idea if your daughter has an issue like ADD, but I would caution you a bit about referring to her as a slacker. I was often chided for “not caring” about my work, or being flaky, and neither of those things were true at all…I was actually fairly serious about things, but I just have a problem with schedules and organization. I have worked out a lot of coping strategies over the years, but I wish wish wish these issues had been recognized in those days, so that adults would have helped me figure that stuff out, vs. just riding me when I would forget stuff. Riding me about it was not helpful in the least.

I’ve been reading a bit about this lately because my niece is your daughter’s age and was just diagnosed. She had a rough time in grammar school and especially middle school, because although she’s a bright kid, it’s tough to be successful in the later grades if you can’t concentrate on homework and studying.

So…I’m just saying that I understand the annoyance (believe me, I’m constantly annoyed with myself), but I’m not sure about making her miss the trip. Maybe you could make her pay the late fee, as that is also a natural consequence of missing the deadline. And then try to figure out if there’s some way that you could help her get organized so that she does better with deadlines. That’s way more important in the long run than this one trip.

6

That’s an awfully generous “deal” coming on top of the original trip cost. Bringing up the grade is a prerequisite for going on the trip in any circumstances, and shouldn’t she be doing that even if she wasn’t to go?

7

IF someone has that low a grade in an AP or pre AP class, then they aren’t ready for the class. Why hasn’t she been pulled out of them? I don’t even mean by you. I got forcibly dropped out of my English class when I didn’t know about the summer reading requirements and thus did poorly for the first half of the first quarter. My grade was automatically jumped up a letter point, I got specialized help to get me caught up, and I wound up with an A in the regular class from a D in the AP class.

As for me, I’m favoring the consequences look. But do remember that, if you were in this same situation, you would have a $300 remedy. So she should get one, too. Make her pay the $300 in some way, by earning it somehow or something. Or give her a punishment that fits $300 worth that she can opt out of if she doesn’t want to go.

Making the consequences worse than real life though really should not be in the cards, in my opinion.

And maybe throw in a “If you just told me that your forgot, we might have worked something more favorable out. The teacher may have even let the $300 slide if you told me soon enough.”

8

Weigh up the seriousness of the offence against the value of the trip, and again the pain and envy she will feel when her classmates return with their stories of exotica.

IMO, foreign travel for the young is such a valuable thing, it seems a shame for her to miss this opportunity on a disciplinary matter. I would pay, grudgingly, then get her to pay you back in instalments over a long time on her return. That way she gets a lesson in responsibility but still gets to experience other ways of living before she becomes set in her ways.

9

The one thing I’m missing is having a real heart-to-heart with her and asking her if she really wants to go.

She’s fifteen and she’s getting to that awkward age of still being sheltered by the parents and also wanting to do her own thing. When I was with my ex (who has three children) one thing I did was always check the grades online on a regular basis. I would know whether an assignment was completed and turned on time or not and each one had to be explained. She quickly grew tired of having to explain why things were being turned in late (as her excuses were always shot down as being invalid) and she began turning assignments in on time.

Too be a bit direct, I’m surprised that as a parent you didn’t have more notice about this trip and know when payments and permission slips are due.

10

I say either make her pay the late registration fee or tell her that she can’t go until next year. The last option actually seems best to me.

Sometimes I’m clueless about logistic details, so I sympathize with her overlooking the registration deadline. But her grades in that class suck. This suggests that not only was she clueless about the registration deadline but also the grade criteria for trip eligibility. Maybe she’ll pull up her grade at the last minute (to what, a D or C?), but she should’ve been giving it her best a long time ago. Allowing her to go on this trip if she manages the Herculean feat of barely passing this class seems like a good way to reward a sloppy pattern of behavior that could hold her back in life.

Denying her the trip this year might just snap her into improving her organization skills and tackle her procastination habit. She’ll be unhappy, but it’s not as though she wouldn’t have herself to blame.

11

I can say what my mother’s reaction would have been if this were me, and your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age.

A failing grade in ANY class would have been the dealbreaker (keeping in mind that my mother was a real hardass about grades - promising to bring it up at the end of year would be Unnacceptable.) If I couldn’t be bothered to do the coursework I wasn’t mature enough to go on a trip to Europe.

Without the failing grade, if I lied about not getting any info/missed the deadline she would NOT have paid the late fee; if I still wanted to go I’d have to find some way of making up the difference myself. If I couldn’t, no trip for me, QED.

At the time I hated my mother for being such a dragon about school stuff, but it learned me the hard way that there were consequences for being a scatterbrain and I was hurting no one but myself by it.

12

It sounds like the mother, not the daughter wants to go. Save up some more money, and the MOTHER should go on the trip and leave the kid home.

13

Eh, I vote for either saving the $2700 for next years trip or spending it on a class to teach your daughter how to be organized. The latter will benefit her for her entire life.

She may or may not have wanted to go. Her failing grade made it impossible so her response is to put the trip (and you) on ignore when asked. Not mature but very typical for 15 years old.

There’s a whole lot of teenage dynamics going on here that are considered “normal” but very frustrating for parents. My stepson was labeled "gifted and talented"while in grade school. He was very smart but extremely disorganized. Unfortunately, he struggled through high school because he never learned those organization skills. What fascinated me was that often he would take the time to DO the homework and then never turn it it. WTF? He apparently figured it out because he ultimately graduated from one of the best private engineering school in the country and has a successful career now (although he’s still a bit of an airhead - think Absent Minded Professor).

My unsolicited advice is to sit down with your daughter and talk about the underlying problems and not focus on the trip. Good luck.

14

Trip of a lifetime or a lesson that may or may not make a difference in what seems to be her personality.

No brainer to me. Let her go if she can get the grade up.

15

I would let her go if she pays the late fee herself. Otherwise, no go. She can go next year. That is if she even wants to go. She might have sabotaged it on purpose. If that’s the case, there are some underlying issues at play here.

By the way, you are a great parent!

16

Actually, this isn’t a bad idea. You worked to save money for this trip the whole year, why shouldn’t you get to go? Or if you don’t go on the trip buy yourself something that you had been wanting but putting off getting (my fantasy right now is having a jacuzzi tub installed in my bathroom but YMMV) since you were the one who put in all the effort of setting the funds aside to a luxury purchase. Showing your daughter that hard work pays off and slacking earns you bupkis might really encourage her to pick up her grades and focus on the trip if she wants to go next year.

17

You didn’t say if she has a lot of friends at school, or is outgoing, or shy, or whatever. If it was me, and I was 15, and didn’t have any of my few good friends going on the trip, but found out that a few people who were particularly asshole-ish were going, I sure as hell would end up not wanting to go, as well as not wanting to explain why to my parents. I’d just ignore things like signup deadlines and feel stupid about it, and probably lose interest in the class and my grade would drop to a 60… so, that could be a possibily too.

18

I went on a similar trip to Italy my junior year of high school, and it literally changed my life. It made me see the world in a completely different way, and after that trip I saved every penny until I graduated high school and backpacked alone through Europe for two months leaving the day after I graduated. It was amazing. I think she should go, if she can.

But not this year. She has a 60? I would have been grounded from everything with a grade like that, certainly not sent to Europe, and rightly so, in my opinion. That’s ridiculous. And she missed the deadline? Honestly it doesn’t sound like she’s particularly motivated to go. She has a few more years of high school, and I think she’d probably get more out of such a trip when she’s a bit older and more together. Save the money for next time; she needs to learn that you can’t just expect everything to fall into place with no effort at all on your part.

19

Thanks for your advice and opinions everyone.

20

My vote would be that she screwed around, she should pay any late fees out of her own pocket. If she doesn’t get her act together on that or can’t scrounge up the cash, then she flat out doesn’t go.

Actions (and lack thereof) have consequences. If you bail her out on this, she won’t learn the lesson not to slack.

Whoever suggested bribing her with the trip to bring her grades up has it all wrong- that sends all the wrong messages to her.

My parents would have made the trip contingent on me having good grades (i.e. A’s and B’s), and if I somehow blew it after they’d paid, they’d have made me pay them back.

I guarantee that if she misses the trip because she slacked off, she’ll think twice in the future if it’s something she cares about.