Annoyed with daughter over missed trip to Europe

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

It sounds like she didn’t want to go. There’s no way in hell I would miss a deadline as a scattered (non-ADD/ADHD) 16 year old for a trip that I wanted to go on. Plus it wouldn’t be a thing that she just knew about - every kid and the teachers involved would be chatting it up.

It does sound like the OP may be more excited about the trip, and hence, why the kid is taking the passive-aggressive approach of not following through so she’ll miss the trip.

I’d ask, straight up - “Do you really want to go on this trip? It’s okay if you don’t.”

Exotic travel is talked up as being the be-all end-all for young people, but some kids are scared, uninterested, would rather spend the summer in their hometown, etc. And what’s wrong with that? If the kid is reasonably intelligent and college bound, there will be opportunities for overseas travel later.

The grades are also a red flag. There is some organization and maturity that would be beneficial for a trip overseas. I certainly did the same bullshit as a teen - very smart but halfassed homework, assignments, etc. So I could totally be the one with a mid-C that would turn into an A after a lecture from a concerned teacher offering make-up credit. College disabused me of this approach real quick.

Here’s what I would do. I would have a calm discussion with the teacher about the kid’s performance, and ascertain what kinds of discussions ensued in class about the trip. It’s possible it was hush-hush so as not to rub it in for kids who couldn’t go. If it turns out that it was discussed quite a bit, that’s a pretty strong signal that the kid intentionally ignored the trip deadline.

Props to the OP for figuring out that there’s probably a little bit of “you should really do this!” going on. I don’t think sending her as if it was just a slip of the mind is sufficient. I agree with others that she should have to make up the difference of the late fee if she does indeed want to go - after being assured that it’s okay not to.

There could be any number of reasons why it’s not an appealing trip - lack of friends, jerkish classmates going, a special friend who is staying in town this summer, being scared of flying or being overseas, not liking staying in hotels… it goes on. I’d see if any of these issues are at play.

42

Not always. The OP’s description of her daughter reminds me a lot of me . . . my grades for my AP classes were across the board (As and Bs for English, As for Physics, Bs and Cs for History, and Fs-Cs for calc), but I learned a lot and aced my AP exams in all four courses.

Just sayin’ . . . not that there isn’t an issue to be resolved, but odds are that taking a course with requirements that are more easily met without an increase in effort isn’t going to solve them.

And, I second the thought that you might want to talk with your daughter and find out how she’s feeling about the trip. What she did (miss the deadline, and keep it from her parents) sounds exactly like something I would have done . . . let circumstances steer me down the path of least effort in the moment because I didn’t care that much, and then be embarrassed that I was letting my parents down and so keep it a secret as long as I could, in the hope that maybe they’d just forget, or something.

43

I am always the first to say GO when someone mentions a trip to Europe, especially for first timers.
However, in your daughter’s case, I have to ponder.
Something isn’t right - I think she subconsciously doesn’t want to go. Maybe you don’t know the whole story.

Plus, if her current antics are any indication, you might be going to Europe a few days after your daughter gets there - to help search for her after she missed the bus, forgot to check back in the hotel, got in a VW bus with a bunch of Romanian Gypsies, or godknowswhat…

Maybe this just isn’t the time.

44

one more thing, from the OP’s description of the school it sounds pretty competitive (esp. if 9th graders are already in AP courses). Maybe there’s too much pressure and it’s really unappealing to the kid to spend a lot of time around a bunch of overachievers.

I was in talented and gifted from 4-8th grade. I voluntarily left after 8th grade because it was uncomfortably nerdy. Not good nerdy, with kids doing crazy science experiences, but annoying nerdy with kids constantly obsessed about who got the highest grades, etc. (And that kid was often me, but I actually wanted some normal social intercourse.) I turned out pretty okay, educationally.

Maybe that’s what’s going on? Does the kid have a lot of friends at school? Does she look for other outlets to socialize? Does the school have a broad range of abilities, or is it a Lake Wobegon kind of place?

45

This is a pretty minor point, but I noticed you said there is a trip next year, but only to London. Just speaking for myself but I would far rather take a trip that is 7-10 days in London than 3 days each in London, Rome, and Paris. A trip with 3 days per city is going to be a lot of: hop off the bus, visit museum, be back on bus by 5pm and then go to dinner. Especially with teenagers on a class trip, they will only be given so much free reign to explore/experience on their own. A longer trip in one city means more time to actually get to know the place, and to see more than just the usual main attractions.

My point is that I don’t think it will be a big loss if she goes on next years trip instead of this year. Paris and Rome aren’t going anywhere, if she really wants to see those 2 cities she’ll find a way to go when she is older. And actually wants to make it happen herself.

46

If it were just the grades, I might say go, and work out a deal to improve them.
If it were just missing the deadline, I’d definitely say go, since kids this age are pretty clueless. However, any reasonably competent high school teacher would be on the kids to turn in their forms all the time.
Perhaps she didn’t listen or tell you because she knew she wasn’t qualified to go?
In any case in 2 or 3 years she will be going to college, where no one is going to babysit her and where she might lose a lot more than $300 by not keeping up. Not going is a better life lesson. London, Paris and Rome will still be there five years from now.
One thing I would definitely not do if I were the OP was go myself. There is no reason to add insult to injury. Assuming she actually wants to go, which I agree is unclear. Better to save the money and figure out why she is getting a 60 in the class, which is going to hurt long term far more than not going to Europe.

47

Ca3799, you sound like an awesome mother. The OP reads like a model example of reasonable and effective parenting.

Your daughter, like most teenagers, has problems with responsibility. That’s because there isn’t much teenagers can do that will result in severe consequences. I remember not doing any of the assigned homework in one class in high school and still passing the class.

Like most people, your daughter will learn how to be responsible. She’ll learn once people stop correcting and forgiving her mistakes. That usually happens around college, where most people are surprised to learn that you’re expected to make your own decisions about class and extra curricular activities.

What you have to decide is whether you want your daughter to learn responsibility now, or at some later point in her life like everyone else. You won’t ruin her work ethic if you send her on the trip, you’ll just prolong the inevitable.

While she’s in HS, I would put her on responsibility training wheels. Make her make more decisions for herself, but be ready to step in if you think she’s making a terrible choice.

Remember that if she fails to be responsible, it’ll be a learning experience. It won’t always mean she’s missing out on something invaluable.

If you think the trip is something she shouldn’t miss, then fix the problem for her. Otherwise let her miss it. Europe will still be there when she becomes an adult.

I think that’s a healthy to deal with things until college. That’s when you can inform her that her room will be turned into a day spa for mom and dad, and she has 30 days to move out (j/k).

Whatever you do, don’t take the money and go on the trip yourself. It will send the wrong message. You want her to know that you’re doing this to teach her how to be more responsible. If you go on the trip I guarantee that all she’ll be thinking is that you’re one major asshole, and the fact that you’re supposed to be teaching her a lesson won’t cross her mind.

48

I agree that the OP should have a chat with her daughter and verify that she really does want to go on the trip. If so, think about splitting the $300 late fee with her - maybe $200 for you, $100 for her (or some other split that seems appropriate). As a parent, you are supposed to shield her from horrible consequences, but - IMHO - just mostly, not completely. She should feel a little sting from her mistake.

49

I really appreciate everyone’s opinions.

Here’s how the day shook out. I asked her to approach the teacher about the trip this morning. This afternoon, she said she was not able to do so- it’s test week and the schedules are weird and she was confined to the center building.

I decided to put the responsibility on her to email the teacher to see if she thought she would qualify grade-wise and if she could be added to the trip list as a late registration. I thought that would let me know if she was really interested in going. She did this.

She did say this big trip was a little scary, but she was interested in going. She thought the handout I got several months ago had all the information (“We told them I wanted to go.”) and she states she did not hear much about it class.

I’ve decided to treat this as a scheduling screw-up and let her go it she can. She is a great, if shy and retiring kid, and I thought this trip would be good for her on a personal (and school) level. It’s a new school to her and she does not have a lot of friends there (several have speculated or asked). If she can go, great. If not, there’s always next year.

50

I think the mixed feelings you’re having is due to the lack of proportionality between the offense and the consequence. The offense was your daughter letting her grades slide and not keeping up on the schedule. The consequence is she’s missing a really great opportunity. While they’re relating as cause and effect, they’re not proportionate - it’s too big a punishment for the crime.

My suggestion is you come up with some alternative consequence that you feel is more proportionate. Tell her that you will still pay for her trip (including the extra money) and allow her to go (assuming she starts immediately working on getting her grade up). But also tell her she has to do all the family’s laundry for the next six months - that’s her punishment for screwing up the trip and costing you $300.

This way, she’ll still get to experience Europe but she’ll also learn a lesson about not screwing around. And you’ll have somebody doing your laundry.

51

I think you made a good decision there.

She may be nervous now, but travel can be a HUGE confidence builder. She will also have a good chance to bond with some of the kids on this trip, which may expand her social horizons event hough she may be dreading being outside of her peer group.

52

My thoughts exactly when I read the OP…including the last bit.

53

She sounds like a great kid (and you a great parent). But you know…when we had our big Europe extravaganza trip in the 10th grade (orchestra class), my mother made me save up for part of it and solicit grants from various aunts and relatives to cover the rest. I was a lot like your daughter is–never asked for much, never in trouble, etc. And we weren’t dirt poor. But my sister and I both wanted to go on the trip and it was a luxury, so my mother made it into our project rather than hers. All she and my dad did was buy the luggage.

And you know what? By putting it all on me to get everything together, it made me appreciate the trip that much more. I remember buying a special little souvenier in Brussels and overhearing this self-righteous upperclassman sniff that I must be spoiled to be able to afford it. I didn’t say anything to her jealous behind, but knowing that I had paid for that little souvenier through my hard work at Six Flags made her comment just roll off my back.

I know she’s in an AP class, but it doesn’t sound like she’s doing well. Is she struggling or slacking? If it’s the latter, she doesn’t deserve to go on the trip. Sorry, no matter how great her personality is we have to be held accountable. And if she can go on the trip next year, I think you should let her raise some of the money during the summer. I got my first job in the summer between ninth and tenth grades, and that was WAY more transformative than a week long trip overseas (although it was fun). Perhaps by making her more of an active participant in all this, she will actually listen when there are announcements about deadlines and stuff.

The way I see it, you will have plenty of time to reward your daughter for being so good (like when she wants her first car or during college). I wouldn’t blow your wad on this opportunity if I were you, because she did screw up (in multiple ways) and yet you’re the one having to take the fall.