Annoying minor abuses of the relationship between friends

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

In the past two weeks I was faced with three different scenarios where I felt that a friend had put me in a slightly uncomfortable situation and I said “No”
First, I’d like your opinions on how you would handle these.
Second, Feel free to post about your own similar situations.

Scenario 1: I gave a friend at church my email address a few months back so she could send me some documents. Shortly thereafter she began sending me and many others inspirational messages and Christian humor. While I don’t object to the content, I do not like receiving bulk mail of any type.
After a few weeks of that I sent her a very polite letter stating that I prefer not to receive group mailings and asked her to remove me from the list. Last week I received yet another mailing. I had to be blunt this time.
I sent another: “Allow me to be clear on this. I do not want to receive these group mailings. Please remove me from your mailing list.”

No response so far.

Scenario 2: Another church member has been asking my wife over and over when she could come to our house to show us something. My wife kept stalling until she could get the woman to call me. As soon as she began explaining, I asked her flat out if she was talking about a multi-level-marketing company.
When she said that she was, I firmly stated that I do not do business with MLM companies and thanked her. She wouldn’t let it rest.
Her: “Why not? Have you had bad experiences in the past?”
Me: “Sorry, but I don’t want to have to justify why I do not like MLM.”
Her: “But don’t you and your wife consume products like XYZ?”
Me: "Sorry, I don’t want to do business with MLM.

Finally I had to say “I feel I have made myself clear and I don’t want to discuss it any more. Goodbye.”
My wife was disturbed by the fact that I hung up on the woman. I am not sure how things will be the next time I see the woman.
**
Scenario 3:** A former co-worker who I still keep in touch with sent me an e-mail asking me to support her in some “Walk for XYZ” event. I sent the following:“Sorry, but I prefer to be antisocial with fundraiser types of things of any stripe. I wish you the best of luck though!”

It has been a few days and I haven’t received a response from her.
What’s my point?

I suppose I could rant on for awhile about how asking a friend a favor implies that “no” is an acceptable answer in most cases. In each of these situations, I am afraid that the person will treat me differently because I didn’t do what they asked.

However, I am interested in your take on these three situations.
Would you have been bothered by any of them?
Which is worse?
How would you have handled them?

That said, many folks do like humorous email mailing lists, many people like MLM and they are, after all, salespeople, and many people DO sponsor folks in fundraisers. How should either of these three have behaved?
Any similar experiences of your own?

2

  1. I would have probably instantly deleted/ignored the email she forwarded, and maybe set up a filter in my system to get it away automatically. I wouldn’t have bothered asking her to remove me from her address book… that seems like an overkill and possibly offensive for something that isn’t really a ‘problem’ for me.

  2. She was out of line. Sure, try to sell me whatever. But when I say no, it means no. Drop it. You were perhaps out of line by just hanging up instead of ending the conversation on a happier note, although since I wasn’t there I don’t know how pushy and obnoxious she was being. It would have taken a lot to make me hang up without getting a goodbye from her, but I probably would have eventually done it.

  3. I refuse to sponsor a lot of these things from people I work with. I also rarely buy fundraiser stuff from my coworker’s kids. Sometimes, however, I do. Especially if I agree with the cause. My occassional giving then allows me to say “sorry, I’m tapped out from my donations/causes/fund money for the year.” That seems to be a more acceptable answer than just “I don’t want to.” Yours is more honest, which is a given, but could also be taken offensively. I prefer to avoid that when I can.

3

I suppose I should clarify.
In #1, I still want the non-bulk emails from her and I said as much in my extremely polite first request. I simply asked to be removed from her larger mailing list. It was only when that request was ignored that I had to get terse.
#2: Yes, she was very pushy (I think I cut out a couple of back-and-forth exchanges in my OP). I still feel wrong for having essentially hung up, but she was out of line. I can’t think of a better way to have addressed this without having to sit through a MLM spiel.
#3: I probably should have provided a better answer, describing the organizations I do support (church-related relief organizations) rather than giving the answer I did.

I guess my belief is that folks who do either of these things should be fairly thick skinned and accept refusals in a form other than gushing apologetic flowery prose.

4

My personal pet hate is #1. I don’t like being hit with glurge in the first place, and if they include my email address visibly (instead of BCCing it) I get *incredibly * narky.

And I’m sure you can guess how I react when provoked. :smiley:

5

I get some glurge occasionally, it’s well meant and intended for my mom (even though she has her own email address now.) It’s slightly annoying but it would probably be hurtful and consume way to much time explaining the situation and having the person correct this, as I am almost 100% certain that they have no idea how to “not include me” from a technical standpoint. Email is mystical enough to this person, they do not need me making it any more confusing. I just sigh and delete it.

6

Incidentally, sounds like you’re confusing ‘people I see at church’ with friends.*

Friends don’t trade on their position to put you on the spot and attempt to force their ideas on you. This goes for sending you unsolicited mail and also for trying to get you dragged into their MLM scheme.

The ex-coworker could have just taken your refusal at face value. Presumably if you know each other well enough to keep in touch after finishing working together, they probably already know you well enough to feel sure you weren’t being mean-spirited. (For what it’s worth, I thought your refusal was quite well worded, and not impolite, so I can’t imagine that they’d take offence.)

  • Bear in mind I have rather high criteria for categorising someone as a friend, and I don’t go out of my way to make friends with people I work or associate with, so YMM (obviously) V.
7

Just in response to “friend abuse” situations.

I have a good friend who recently sold her car. We live in the city and there are many ways to get around. She however depends on me for many transportation needs. (Which I honestly don’t mind) But there are many times when we park in garages and she NEVER offers to split the cost. Also, she has NEVER offered me any gas money. I understand that we don’t go far- but it adds up and with gas prices the way that they are it would be a nice gesture.

To tell you the truth, I would prob. not even accept it. But making the gesture would be greatly appreciated. I know that I would not hit the breaks so hard when she is seatbelt-less and not paying attention-- if she offered every once and a while. :wink:

I guess until then it’s whiplash for her and annoyance for me…

8

On the contrary, I think you have learned a very valuable lesson - how to say no.

I hear all the time on these boards how people get roped into doing things they don’t want to, etc. I know it’s hard to say no, but at some point the response must be learned.

I would have responded the same for all three. I don’t see that you were rude, simply firm.

9

Advice should be in a different forum.

From IMHO to MPSIMS.

10

I don’t think you were rude enough to the MLM people. Any “friend” who gets suckered into an MLM will probably end up being a non friend very soon. I tell them, the answer is no and I’m ending the friendship if I ever hear one more word about the MLM. The next time they bring it up, which they inevitably will, I then tell them to have a nice life and never to contact me again.

I think you were absolutely right with the bulk emails. I have a couple people who I have to nag to please not send me every junk email they happen to run across.
I simply don’t have the time to sift through every “funny” email or inspirational message I get in a day. Plus, I hate opening an email with sound attached and having some damn dancing monkey doing the macarena.