Another clueless newbie bites the dust: a chronology of doom -or- Thank you, DavidB

I would bother gathering up a link, but I am just too distraught.

I’m sick to death of new people. They swagger in here like they own the place, misspelling words in their thread titles, and addressing members by their usernames. When these things first happen, they should be sufficient clues that we have renegades on our hands.

But it gets far more insidious. Somehow, they are able to infiltrate our sanctuary, the Cafe Society, and insult the pillars of our society. Then, like Sherman cutting a swath through Georgia, they move through multiple forums, insulting even the most humble people on earth.

You would be able to tell who the new members are, even if there were no post count under the name. Unlike the rest of us, they point out other people’s spelling errors even when they’ve already made spelling mistakes and typos. Another easy way to spot these intruders is that they make extraordinary statements, and seem to be skeptical about everything.

And then the inevitable happens. They visit that most hallowed forum where issues are settled about theology, biology, and political philosophy — [massive baritone with echo] Greeeeeaaaat Debaaaaates [/massive baritone with echo] and dare to open a thread. What are they thinking? As they await a response to their first Great Debate, they offer up confessions that make the rest of us cringe.

But none of that compares to what happens next. […cue suspenseful music with diminished chords…] They throw caution to the wind and say horrible, vile, and despicable things to DavidB. :eek: Cad! Deminaut! Syphilus infested Cretin! What’s the matter with you!? Don’t you see the notation MODERATOR under his name?! Is this how you did things at the board you came from? Did moderators function as ordinary members when they were posting their own opinions?

But DavidB is nothing if not magnanimous, courteous, and deferential to others. He made no move to swipe at the insignificant gnat that was tickling his nostril. Nosiree, when members confront him, whether they are new or old, they enounter nothing more than his patented gentleness and subtle charm. Thus do the new ones move on about their business, continuing their relentless attacks against some of society’s most revered professionals. And they lock horns with members in good standing, asking onerous questions designed to incite a rhetorical riot.

Undaunted, these invaders crash other debates, and avail themselves of the rich amenities that are reserved for The Clique®. But like all nefarious criminals, they cannot resist returning to the scene of the crime. There, they discover members who have been here for years engaged in friendly chitchat with poor, defenseless, and frail DavidB. You would think that a newbie could take a hint and follow the example of others. No bristling up against DavidB. It just isn’t done. Didn’t you read the rules when you registered?

These worthless jackasses then proceed to lash out with unrestrained taunting and bullying against the other members who have warned them. They flail all about, telling the good members how unreasonable they’re being, and reformulating the original question into an unanswerable paradox.

Those who are feint of heart may now wish to avert their eyes, for what follows is so profoundly disturbing that I can only marvel at DavidB with reverential wonder that he survived. In fact, I shall not even attempt to paraphrase what happened, lest the heavens open up and swallow us all. What our gentle DavidB had to endure ought to be required of no man.

Even as DavidB suffers in pain and anguish, these mindless board whores press on, calling upon the names of the unholy demons they worship, in order to summon them up from the bowels of hell. To battle these evil forces, angels of the light descend to intercede, and remind the newbies that the high priests are ever-present and never remove their priestly robes.

But these party crashers don’t care. They launch a full scale assault on the boards, swarming from forum to forum, despoiling us with their spousal abuse, revisionism of history, vulgar rants, racial bigotry, slanderous insinuations, personal questions, and inexplicable disrespect for all that is holy. They spread their radical ideologies without any shame. And before their reign of terror is completed, they sully the board with hyperlinks to sick pornographic websites.

Just as I am beginning to believe that this torment will never end, the lord DavidB himself appears in all his radiant glory. Disdaining to don his famous moderator’s hat, doubtless to avoid messing up his hair, he offers the kindness of his quasi-official advice and counsel to the troublemakers. How much more gracious could a man possibly be? Lest anyone mistake his hatless head for one with a hat, he reminds us all of what appears below his name. Let us always be mindful that we may not raise his ire, nor quote rules to him, for foxes have their holes and birds of the air have their nests, but we have not any hats that we may put upon our worthless heads.

Thankfully, DavidB does not place upon our shoulders burdens that are too heavy to bear. When new members have sucked in their last gasp of air, he sees to their proper disposition and casts them into the hopeless pit of everlasting fire. Damn them and their haughty pretentions! And thank you, DavidB, from the bottom of my heart. I for one will always see a hat upon your head even when your head is naked, for I am given privilege to behold your splendor and learn from your wise opinions.

I felt sorry for Nocktober, too. :frowning: I wish he would come back, apologize to David for calling him a jerk in the wrong forum, and start over.

All I will say is… wow… quite the OP. Well linked. Nicely done. And FTR, David B, you are a decent sort of fellow. :slight_smile:

Based on the title I thought the Apocalypse was upon us with Libertarian saying nice things about DavidB. I see now that all is normal.
BTW, I agree with Lib. The guy did nothing wrong except call a Mod a jerk, who was in fact prodding him by being a jerk.

Lib-That was a thing of beauty! Great stuff!

I’m currently thinking how cool it would be if you did this sort of OP with other B----D members (or ex-members as it is). Granted I doubt you’d have time to sleep…

Once again, good stuff!

Come to think of it a lot of the B----D ex-members deserved Banning… So perhaps you would be easily able to catch up with your sleep…

DavidB apparently feels that having Moderator under his name means he can use a ‘be a jerk for free’ pass whenever he feels like it.

A moderator on a message board. Oohh… :rolleyes:

Little power trips for little people.

This just may be the second-best pit piece ever done (first price, of course, goes to the infamous rip of the guy defending telemarketers).

Dragon Ash, that one is by far the best pit piece EVER!

Um, I don’t have anything more to say.

That should be first PRIZE.

We now return to our regularly scheduled pitting.

Wow, nicely put Libertarian
I did not follow the thread until now, but looking at it, DavidB seemed to start in with a combative attitude and it all went downhill from there.
FWIW I thought Nocktober was asking what he considered a genuine question and did not deserve the response he got.

Very good OP.

It’s a shame Nocktober didn’t take up DavidB’s advice and simply back off. He would have been one hell of an interesting Doper. Oh, well … :frowning:


This, of course, could be the topic of yet another thread in GD.

I agree with the OP too. DavidB seemed to have a fit of pique there.

Wow, Libertarian (may I call you Libertarian? I am a newbie, so I don’t want to overstep my bounds), you do sarcasm well. I cower before your amazing ability to say what you mean so clearly while keeping me guessing the whole trip.

I am in awe. :cool:

Syphilis, not syphilus. And it should be “syphilis-infested cretin”, not “syphilus infested Cretin”.

We will discuss the question of “infest” vs. “infect” in a future thread.


[homestar]…second place. _ding_![/homestar]

Was Nocktober banned based on his “actions” in the hollow earth thread???

Last I checked, moderators do not have the power and do not make the decisions to ban people. Considering also that the asshat in question repeated–and amplified–his insult even after being officially warned against that sort of thing, I don’t understand how anybody could think there’s a valid complaint about the banning.

As for DavidB’s supposed jerkishness, well, Nocktober appeared to be acting intentionally thick and evasive. Fighting ignorance does not always call for flowers and poetry. The only statement that was even questionable for GD was “Is there a single logical bone in your entire body?” A paltry sin, if sin it were.

I guess I don’t understand how David B’s comment, “Is there a single logical bone in your entire body?” can not be construed as an insult. Isn’t that line just another way of saying, “You are stupid”?