I would bother gathering up a link, but I am just too distraught.
I’m sick to death of new people. They swagger in here like they own the place, misspelling words in their thread titles, and addressing members by their usernames. When these things first happen, they should be sufficient clues that we have renegades on our hands.
But it gets far more insidious. Somehow, they are able to infiltrate our sanctuary, the Cafe Society, and insult the pillars of our society. Then, like Sherman cutting a swath through Georgia, they move through multiple forums, insulting even the most humble people on earth.
You would be able to tell who the new members are, even if there were no post count under the name. Unlike the rest of us, they point out other people’s spelling errors even when they’ve already made spelling mistakes and typos. Another easy way to spot these intruders is that they make extraordinary statements, and seem to be skeptical about everything.
And then the inevitable happens. They visit that most hallowed forum where issues are settled about theology, biology, and political philosophy — [massive baritone with echo] Greeeeeaaaat Debaaaaates [/massive baritone with echo] and dare to open a thread. What are they thinking? As they await a response to their first Great Debate, they offer up confessions that make the rest of us cringe.
But none of that compares to what happens next. […cue suspenseful music with diminished chords…] They throw caution to the wind and say horrible, vile, and despicable things to DavidB. :eek: Cad! Deminaut! Syphilus infested Cretin! What’s the matter with you!? Don’t you see the notation MODERATOR under his name?! Is this how you did things at the board you came from? Did moderators function as ordinary members when they were posting their own opinions?
But DavidB is nothing if not magnanimous, courteous, and deferential to others. He made no move to swipe at the insignificant gnat that was tickling his nostril. Nosiree, when members confront him, whether they are new or old, they enounter nothing more than his patented gentleness and subtle charm. Thus do the new ones move on about their business, continuing their relentless attacks against some of society’s most revered professionals. And they lock horns with members in good standing, asking onerous questions designed to incite a rhetorical riot.
Undaunted, these invaders crash other debates, and avail themselves of the rich amenities that are reserved for The Clique®. But like all nefarious criminals, they cannot resist returning to the scene of the crime. There, they discover members who have been here for years engaged in friendly chitchat with poor, defenseless, and frail DavidB. You would think that a newbie could take a hint and follow the example of others. No bristling up against DavidB. It just isn’t done. Didn’t you read the rules when you registered?
These worthless jackasses then proceed to lash out with unrestrained taunting and bullying against the other members who have warned them. They flail all about, telling the good members how unreasonable they’re being, and reformulating the original question into an unanswerable paradox.
Those who are feint of heart may now wish to avert their eyes, for what follows is so profoundly disturbing that I can only marvel at DavidB with reverential wonder that he survived. In fact, I shall not even attempt to paraphrase what happened, lest the heavens open up and swallow us all. What our gentle DavidB had to endure ought to be required of no man.
Even as DavidB suffers in pain and anguish, these mindless board whores press on, calling upon the names of the unholy demons they worship, in order to summon them up from the bowels of hell. To battle these evil forces, angels of the light descend to intercede, and remind the newbies that the high priests are ever-present and never remove their priestly robes.
But these party crashers don’t care. They launch a full scale assault on the boards, swarming from forum to forum, despoiling us with their spousal abuse, revisionism of history, vulgar rants, racial bigotry, slanderous insinuations, personal questions, and inexplicable disrespect for all that is holy. They spread their radical ideologies without any shame. And before their reign of terror is completed, they sully the board with hyperlinks to sick pornographic websites.
Just as I am beginning to believe that this torment will never end, the lord DavidB himself appears in all his radiant glory. Disdaining to don his famous moderator’s hat, doubtless to avoid messing up his hair, he offers the kindness of his quasi-official advice and counsel to the troublemakers. How much more gracious could a man possibly be? Lest anyone mistake his hatless head for one with a hat, he reminds us all of what appears below his name. Let us always be mindful that we may not raise his ire, nor quote rules to him, for foxes have their holes and birds of the air have their nests, but we have not any hats that we may put upon our worthless heads.
Thankfully, DavidB does not place upon our shoulders burdens that are too heavy to bear. When new members have sucked in their last gasp of air, he sees to their proper disposition and casts them into the hopeless pit of everlasting fire. Damn them and their haughty pretentions! And thank you, DavidB, from the bottom of my heart. I for one will always see a hat upon your head even when your head is naked, for I am given privilege to behold your splendor and learn from your wise opinions.