Another loser in need of dating advice!

[WhyNot]

@Hogwash

But [pause]. There’s a small part of me that really, really wants to rescue some sort of closure from this. If she’s ‘not in to me’ I would kill to know the ultimate question: WHY? So do I trade the last stand email for one basically along the lines of

NO! You don’t KNOW she’s not into you. You’re telling her she’s not into you is answering for her without giving her the benefit of hearing the question, and that’s obnoxious.

@Maeglin

Rather than ask her for a date “sometime”, just propose a specific activity at a specific time. You don’t have to come on too strong, but you don’t have to let her off the hook with too much ambiguity. Don’t ask her to drop you a line, just ask her if she wants to go to the pub with you on Friday. If she doesn’t reply to that, you know you’re done. Real simple.

Yes, that. Specific time, place and activity. It’s manly and confident and sexy. “I have tickets to the 10:00 show at 123 Street Theater and I’d love to take you out. Email me if you’re interested and I’ll pick you up at 8 for dinner, if you have the time.”

Unless, of course, you’re not manly and confident and sexy. But then you might want to consider if you want to *become *that.

[MikeG]

@WhyNot

NO! You don’t KNOW she’s not into you. You’re telling her she’s not into you is answering for her without giving her the benefit of hearing the question, and that’s obnoxious.

Yes, that. Specific time, place and activity. It’s manly and confident and sexy. “I have tickets to the 10:00 show at 123 Street Theater and I’d love to take you out. Email me if you’re interested and I’ll pick you up at 8 for dinner, if you have the time.”

Unless, of course, you’re not manly and confident and sexy. But then you might want to consider if you want to *become *that.

It’s all about perspective, it’s only manly and confident and sexy if they are into you. Try that when they are not and it’s pushy and controlling - “you bought tickets without asking me if I liked that?!?! How dare you!”

But it sounds like you still have a shot, call her up. The worst she can say is no. Don’t say anything about the time lapse.

[WhyNot]

@MikeG

It’s all about perspective, it’s only manly and confident and sexy if they are into you. Try that when they are not and it’s pushy and controlling - “you bought tickets without asking me if I liked that?!?! How dare you!”

Nah, that’s why you say “I have tickets” not “I was thinking about you all day yesterday and I went out at 2 AM to stand in line to get tickets please come please please please?”

It’s all about the details, I guess.

[Quartz]

Have you considered that her computer might have broken? Look how often we get such threads here.

[lobotomyboy63]

@Maeglin

Rather than ask her for a date “sometime”, just propose a specific activity at a specific time. You don’t have to come on too strong, but you don’t have to let her off the hook with too much ambiguity. Don’t ask her to drop you a line, just ask her if she wants to go to the pub with you on Friday. If she doesn’t reply to that, you know you’re done. Real simple.

This. She might say, “I’m busy that night, sorry,” but then it’s up to her to get back to you and prove that she wasn’t just making a excuse.

I think in general, you have to be yourself. E.g. if you’re the kind of guy that calls the day after a first date, then do it. Some will say that’s too eager, but maybe she’s the kind of woman who likes to be called after a first date, and you’ll make points. If you don’t call her, then you’ll be letting her down. It sounds like there was some mutual interest and it seems natural enough to me to want to pursue it promptly.

OTOH if she’s the kind that doesn’t like being called right away, even if you bite the bullet and delay just the right amount, you’ll always be frustrated that things aren’t taking off faster—because that isn’t who SHE is.

[kevja]

@Hogwash

OK, OK, no bitterness. Just a follow up email maybe tomorrow night or Friday. Would saying ‘Hello stranger’ be too accusatory? Or just “Hi, how are things, yadda yadda, how is work, yadda yadda, we should get together for a drink or a flick sometime, yadda yadda, drop me a [del]GOD DAMN FUCKING[/del] email sometime, stay classy, San Diego.” (She can’t make it through the day without an Anchorman quote - sigh, told you she was a heartbreaker)

Tan loafers, with jeans. Was going for smart casual. They’re not bad considering how little time I had (to buy new ones, natch), and that most shops don’t carry my size.

Send a friendly follow-up on Thursday. Or better yet, call her.

Act as if there is no problem or worry on your part. And if the vibe is right, ask her out again.

If she doesn’t return the email, or says "you’re a nice guy, but…**do not humiliate yourself and ask why she doesn’t want to go out again. **

There is nothing “wrong” with you. She’s a woman you met online. Just one person, one date. If she doesn’t want to continue, move on, and start again.

[tdn]

@WhyNot

Nah, that’s why you say “I have tickets” not “I was thinking about you all day yesterday and I went out at 2 AM to stand in line to get tickets please come please please please?”

With the attitude that you’re going to have a great time with or without her. She’s welcome to come along or not. It does not matter one whit to you.

And stop with the loser talk. There’s a great quote about this:

Q. Am I as pathetic as I think I am?

A. Yes. You are exactly as pathetic as you think you are. So stop thinking that you are.

[LiveOnAPlane]

One other thought. It doesn’t happen very often but it does happen on occasion and I’ve had it happen to me: Your email goes off into never-neverland. It is just barely possible that she never got your email.

[VarlosZ]

@Hogwash

But [pause]. There’s a small part of me that really, really wants to rescue some sort of closure from this. If she’s ‘not in to me’ I would kill to know the ultimate question: WHY? So do I trade the last stand email for one basically along the lines of

“I know I blew it but could you do me the small favour of telling me why? Be as brutally honest as you like”

Yeah, dude, don’t do that. I’ve already been a party to that conversation, and I can tell you for sure that it doesn’t go any place you want to be.

[Illuminatiprimus]

I had this situation happen to me with someone I was tentatively dating a while ago - lots of email exchanges, met up and had a great time, night ended with a kiss, waited for him to email me a few days later and he did, more emails ensued then suddenly everything stopped. After about four days of no contact I was starting to pull my hair out a bit so decided (against the advice of one of my friends, by the way) to just text him and ask if he was free in the week to meet up. He texted me back pretty much straight away and we arranged something pretty quickly.

In short, don’t assume she’s dropped you and DON’T send her a feedback request as that can’t ever go well. Just invite her to do something again and leave it at that. As others have said you can be on the look out for other girls in the meantime.

[Brandon]

@tdn

With the attitude that you’re going to have a great time with or without her. She’s welcome to come along or not. It does not matter one whit to you.

And stop with the loser talk. There’s a great quote about this:

Q. Am I as pathetic as I think I am?

A. Yes. You are exactly as pathetic as you think you are. So stop thinking that you are.

Spot on. Hogwash, you are getting your identity way too tied up in what this woman thinks. I know it’s easy to do that if it has been a while since you have had the company of a lady, but you can’t do it; especially since she is only a blink in your life at this point in time. My advice for this occurrence is to just move on, but if you have to email her one more time then send it and then do not dwell on the outcome.

I also would like to give you some advice that I feel might be pertinent to your life past this woman, but feel free to disregard it if you desire. You say it’s not like you have a string of women in your life to be entertained by, but really you do. Every single woman you come across is a string of women in your life, converse with some of them. Compliment something small if you like it or just a brief interaction with the right smile and look in your eye is enough. Don’t do it with the attitude of connecting deeper with anyone initially. Just a small chat and then an exit. It entertains them and entertains you, but more importantly you start to see that your identity is comprised of much more than what some random chick you met once thinks. For an example from my personal life, there is a sweet old lady that works at the gas station near my house. Every time I go in there I talk with her for a little while, and you can see how much it means to her. Once I didn’t go there for about a month, and when I returned she came and gave me a big hug and said that she had missed me and it always brightens her day when she sees my face. I have countless examples of incidents like that happening in my life, and that refocuses my identity when I lose sight of myself. When you act in ways that allow people to think highly of you (and you can see when they do), you have to start thinking highly of yourself.

Also, start to believe that every person you come across likes you, regardless of how they respond. Frankly, it’s not your problem if they don’t. They might be having a bad day, might be intimidated by your charisma, or they may just be flat out assholes. You can speculate on why people behave the way they do until the day you die, but you will never get a satisfactory answer; least of all from them. Ultimately, it doesn’t even matter if a rare person does dislike your teeth or your shoes; because, hey, it’s not like your identity is wrapped up in what one person thinks, right?

[tdn]

Very well put, Brandon.

[Zebra]

@Hogwash

But [pause]. There’s a small part of me that really, really wants to rescue some sort of closure from this. If she’s ‘not in to me’ I would kill to know the ultimate question: WHY? So do I trade the last stand email for one basically along the lines of

Do you ‘click’ with every woman you sit down and talk to for a few hours?

If you think ‘yes’ then that is another set of issues.

Maybe she is wondering why you didn’t kiss her at the train station.

But

You got this far with one woman, go and try again with a different woman.

[Hal_Briston]

@kittenlm

Be breezy

Just don’t say you’re breezy. That totally negates the breezy.

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

She’s probably staring at her inbox thinking, “I really fucking wish these three days would be over so I can reply.”

Be cool. Don’t worry. Chances are she’s not busy with another boy. Chances are roughly 50/50 that you’ll get a second date.

[black_rabbit]

What tdn and Brandon said.

I’m about to get divorced. I’ve had a rough time of it, but I’ve coming out the other side with a fairly solid outlook on dating.

The keys to attracting women, and, more importantly, forming a good lasting impression during the initial contacts, are confidence, honesty, a sense of humor, and, strangely, a certain amount of indifference.

None of those things came to me naturally - I’ve always suffered from low self-esteem. But in the process of forging a relationship over nine years, I had to learn to say what I like, without apologizing, and to listen to what my wife wanted, without criticism.

It ultimately didn’t work out for us, but I’ve carried some of those skills with me.

In the couple of months we’ve been separated, I’ve been going out by myself more, and it’s AMAZING how many phone numbers, email addresses, business cards, and offers of straight-up body fluid exchange I’ve received from women who I used to consider completely out of my league. If I wasn’t determined to avoid uncessessary entaglements at the moment, I could be pulling in more tang than NASA.

And here’s the thing - I haven’t intentionally been hitting on any of them. I’m not even particularly outgoing. The closest I’ve come to “approaching” someone is silently pointing to a book she was reading and giving her the thumbs up. Not because I wanted to ask her out, but because when I see somebody reading Neuromancer in public, I give them a high five.

We’re getting together for drinks tonight.

So yeah. Wait a couple of days. Calm down. Remind yourself that dating is a numbers game, and there are a lot of women in the world, some of whom will find you attractive, though most of them won’t. That’s life, and it’s OK, because you’re a great guy who’s perfectly happy to live your own life and take what comes.

Then, send that email. Ask her if she wants to go grab a bite to eat and see a movie. Pick a quirky restaurant, and an arty movie, if she seems like she’s in to that kind of thing. Don’t mention the previous lack of response.

If she doesn’t respond, well, there are other women in the world. Them’s the breaks.

[tdn]

@black rabbit

If she doesn’t respond, well, there are other women in the world.

Millions of them. Billions, actually.

If you approach dating (and life) with an attitude of scarcity, then you won’t get very far. Adopt a philosophy of abundance. “Women are like buses. Another one will be along in 20 minutes.” The paradoxical thing about that is that it makes you far more attractive.

[Belrix]

@tdn

Millions of them. Billions, actually.

If you approach dating (and life) with an attitude of scarcity, then you won’t get very far. Adopt a philosophy of abundance. “Women are like buses. Another one will be along in 20 minutes.” The paradoxical thing about that is that it makes you far more attractive.

Oh. Very true. Definitely like buses.

My ex, for example, blew out lots of hot exhaust, had a well-padded driver seat, and a significant ridership.

[Maeglin]

@black rabbit

I could be pulling in more tang than NASA.

Consider this expression stolen.

[pbbth]

The following is a story about my most recent online dating experience.

I met this guy online about 2 1/2 months ago. He was really sweet, funny and smart. During the time that he and I were hanging out and getting to know one another better I got another response to my craigslist ad and it piqued my interest. It was funny and well written. The guy attached pictures and he was kinda cute. I figured since I had gone out with this other guy about 3 times and we weren’t committed or anything it wouldn’t hurt to go out with this second guy once and see what happened.

The second guy swept me off my feet! He was funny, smart and sweet, much like the first guy, but the connection between us was so hot I’m surprised we didn’t catch on fire. We went to a concert in Central Park and spent 8 hours together and never once did it feel forced or uncomfortable. He went more than an hour out of his way to take me home to make sure I got there safely. We set a second date for 2 days later. I knew before the end of the night that this was the guy I wanted to be with and that, while a very sweet man, the first guy was not what I was looking for in a potential boyfriend.

The next day I called the first guy and told him I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. He did not take it well, to say the least, crying and begging to know why I didn’t want to see him again. I told him that it really wasn’t about him, it was about me, which was true. He was still the same sweet, funny, smart guy he had always been (though he was fast losing any points he may have had with the crying and begging) but I found someone with whom I was more compatible.

There was nothing wrong with the first guy at all but we simply weren’t meant to be together. If the second guy hadn’t come along I would have gone out with him a few more times before I figured that out but it still would have come to an end. There was absolutely nothing he could have done differently to make me like him better. There was absolutely no chance I would have stuck around for more than another couple of weeks had suitor #2 not shown up. He just was not the one for me.

That second guy that swept me off my feet? He has been my boyfriend for about 2 months now. He makes me so happy I sometimes look at the ground around my feet to make sure I am not melting into a puddle of squee. I know that I made the right decision and I don’t think twice about it.

What is the point of all of this, you ask? If you are her equivalent of the first guy in my story there is nothing wrong with that. You can be a sweet, funny ball of wonderful and still not be the one for her. It is not a reflection of you in any way if she isn’t into you. I sincerely hope the first guy I dated has gone on to meet the woman of his dreams because he deserves to be happy but I know that I am not that woman. She may know the same thing about you. Keep looking and you may find someone who is so perfect for you that it makes you laugh at how excited you were about this chick.