Another man thread, this one about my husband

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So my husband comes back in 10 days. (See this thread to understand more about the following.)

Well today I was supposed to call him on my lunch break from work. In fact I woke up this morning and called him for a second just to make sure he’d be in his hotel room between certain hours so that I would not waste my break trying to call. He said he’d be there. So 12:00 comes. Noon here in Japan is 9pm in Texas. So I called and his roommate said he wasn’t in. I became a bit worried because today an old friend of his, and this friend’s entire family, came to visit him and as far as I knew, all 6 people were staying in a hotel room meant for 2 short term military students. (Meaning a tiny primitive room.) So I began to stress. I wasted my entire lunch break trying him. I went out and RAN and bought a $20 phone card so I could call him FROM WORK on this 15 minute break I get later on. I was really worried because his roommate said he’d been out for 3 hours, I had just spoken to my husband this morning and told him when I’d call, and he said he’d call here and leave a message on the machine if he wouldnt be in. So whatever happened was unexpected.

So my 15 minute break came at 3. My phone card didn’t work!! I had to call at&t customer service and beg the guy to connect me even though they usually don’t, because it turns out you can’t use the kind of phone I was on. (what the hell?!) After many minutes of stress, I reach his room…and he wasn’t there yet!!!

By now it was midnight in Texas. You have to understand, my husband does not have a rental car and is on a base in the middle of NOWHERE. And he has a class at 7 am. So I’m thinking, he’s out with his friend (a kind of irresponsible guy to say the least) and what the hell happened??? My coworkers strongly believed there were two possibilities: cheating on me or dead! (My coworkers are these 2 women who actually stress out more than I do.) My husband is not one to cheat which I believed mostly. I trust him mainly cause there isnt anyone for him to cheat with where he is. He’s DEFINITELY not a sleep around guy. If he were to cheat on me I know it’d be with someone he knew. He wouldnt anyway cause he wouldnt even have sex with me till his divorce went through.

ANYWAY so I got off work at 4, 1am in Texas. There was a message on the machine from my husband who I called right back. HE HAD NOTHING TO SAY TO ME. “I just went out to get food”…till midnight??? Maybe, but the point is, we have never gone 3 days without talking and he doesnt even care! He said that is not a long time. Yeah, if we were just friends. But we’re married. Before we were married we spoke EVERY day and once or twice every other day. We’ve been seeing eachother every single day since we’ve been living together, nearly 2 years now. And he doesn’t even miss me or feel concerned about me or the kids. He told me this. He said “I’m sure you’re ok. I’ve only been gone 5 days.” Welllll I’m stressed and in trouble at work and his daughter may have pink eye. But did he give me a chance to tell him? Nope, cause he wanted to go back to sleep. Now granted it was late for him to be up, but when I asked why he wanst home when I told him I was going to call he said he thought I was calling at 7 his time. 10am my time. I gave him a paper with the time differences on it and only spoke to him an hour earlier to say I’d call when it was 9 his time. He said he forgot. Now he’s pissed at me because I can’t let him be free and live his life. All women I’ve spoken to so far about this understand entirely how I feel. So is this a man/woman communcation problem, or am I wrong to miss him and expect him to miss me back?

2

Sounds like an episode of Sienfeld.

3

Reading this, I’m reminded of a regular occurrance between my wife and me: she comes home and proceeds to launch into 30-minute, 200 word-per-minute account of her day, complete with in-depth analysis and general end-of-the-world fretting over everything that was said between herself and her co-workers. At least ten times during the course of this, I will be asked “isn’t that awful?” “am I being unreasonable?” or some similar yes/no question. She doesn’t so much finish her story as get dizzy from hyperventilation, and all I can do as this is happening is sit there, nod, and grunt supportively as I feel the skin being sandblasted from my face under and endless barrage of complaints, worries and gossip. At the end of it all, she’ll ask “how was your day?”

“It was fairly (busy/quiet). I had a meeting with X about Y, and worked on A,B and C.”
I love her and I care about her very deeply, but even if I took notes, I would not have a much to say about my day as she does.

4

He probably does. He just doesn’t realise it.

I know that sounds like a complete and utter cop-out answer but its true. I have this argument with my girlfriend all the time when i’m working away from her and don’t get to see her for weeks.

We men are simple creatures. We have simple thought processes -

A Day in the Mind of A Man

Get up. Empty Bowels. Wash. Eat. Work. Mmmm Pretty Secretary. Work. Eat. Work. Play Gameboy. Eat. Watch DVD. Sleep. Snore. Repeat.

Those “higher” thought processes (“whats it all about?”, “Am i happy in life?”, “Are Britney Spears’ breasts real?”, “Which way am i voting in the next election?”, “Do I Miss my wife?”) rarely get a look in especially when we are very busy. Even more so

So its not that he doesn’t miss you. If he actually had a chance to properly think about it, he probably would realise that he did.

One thing is for certain, the moment he gets back he will realise it - because suddenly you’ll be doing all the stuff together that he loves doing. He’ll see you in person again and remember all the stupid little things - such as the way you brush your hair to the way you look when you are angry - that make him love you.

So i know that “No” is not the answer that you want to hear when you ask him if he misses you, but its an honest answer. And really, at a deep down level, what would you rather have - an honest husband, or one who just tells you what he thinks you want to hear?

This sounds harsh i know, but most of the guys i know (myself included) tend to automate to the “Everything is fine” setting. Largely because we know that if anything serious wasn’t fine then:

  1. A Copper would have knocked on our door.

  2. Your mother/sister/next of kin would have rung us.

  3. you would have left a message other than “call me” - something like: “Call Me Urgently - Am Pregnant Again”.

So, silly as it sounds, if you know* he loves and cares about you then the fact that he hasn’t been on the phone to you night and day is actually (in a freaky twisted kind of way) a good sign because it probably means that:

  1. He trusts you

  2. He trusts your judgement

  3. He thinks your smart enough to deal with any shite that comes your way.

But of course they do. Chances are they think the same way. Ask a few male friends who are brave enough to answer honestly though and they’ll probably give you a different answer :wink:
[sub]* i say “know” because chances are he’ll rarely have actually told you this - we’re crap at that too.[/sub]

5

Breathe.
Breeeeeaaathe.

garius is spot on - and y’know it isn’t just men who’ll do this - anyone who is very busy with tons of stuff filling their day doesn’t have a lot of time to sit down and contemplate the ineffables of life and love. And the default setting is “everything’s fine”

It sounds to me like with lots of your husband’s pal’s family members around, all trying to arrange things with each other, plans got moved around and changed. No need to think of death and cheating, really. Plans changed and the time to call got lost in the wash. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Really really really really, honestly. Put some of your “he loves me” eggs in another basket - preferably one that he won’t have jostled out of his hands by circumstances.

6

I agree with garuis –

One theory (not trying to say this is true at all, but) - perhaps your husband doesn’t want to feel like you’re standing right next to him when your actually several thousand miles away — hmmm, I mean, maybe he feels like (not that it is a good thing that you are so far apart) that even though you are so far away, he’s still adhering to your schedule (needing to be available when you’re available etc). Maybe it’s a subconsious way of saying to you that things ARE okay when apart. . .It would be on my mind too though if you had previously agreed to meed/talk at a certain time, then when that time came, there was no explanation of whereabouts. . .

7

You know he’s lying because:

a) no beer
b) no porn
c) all of the above

Oh, and in between Wash and Eat there is Get Dressed.

8

Not on days when i’m working from home. :smiley:

9

Given your past threads about your complete ass of a husband, I’m surprised you’re not relishing your time alone. When are you going to dump this guy? Seriously? In what aspect does he make you happy? In what aspect has he shown you any respect whatsoever? WHY DO YOU STAY???

I’m sure I seem callous, but you post thread after thread citing his abuse, his neglect, etc., and here you are freaking out because he wasn’t there when you called. I don’t get it.

10

This was the last threadI recall on subject. Fwiw, your situation worries me, as well.

I don’t have any advice for you, I’m afraid. I just wish you good luck in sorting this out.

11

Whoah.
Just goes to show I didn’t recall your previous posts on your husband. OK, lemme rescind my benefit of the doubt, because it seems this isn’t an average guy who forgot to call, but someone who is avoidant and generally shitty with you.
Damn, hope you get this sorted out.

12

I know you’re worried and scared, but please consider what you’re reading here. Your past posts have addressed some of the problems you have in your relationship, and it sounds like those issues haven’t gotten any better.

Really take some time to consider: do you miss him, or are you just scared without him? Does he enrich your life and make you happier, or is it a matter of being dependent and accustomed to the drama of strife?

I hope I’m not stepping on your toes here, acrossthe sea–I’m writing as someone who’s been in your shoes. My ex wnt out of state for a training once, leaving me alone with our three kids. While he was gone, his elderly mother was hospitalized, and guess who had to stay with her at the hospital, trying to figure out whether or not to sign a DNR order on her while corralling a 10 month old baby? Now, that was just one of those things, right? Could have happened to anyone.

Except that, like your husband, my ex didn’t bother telling me where he was going, nor did he leave me a number to reach him. I had to call his boss, who had to call the state emergency management people in that state, who had to search for his name among the attendees of the conferences going on there. Then, of course, I couldn’t reach him, because he was out a t the barts. And THEN he didn’t bother cutting his conference short.

And it took me another year or two to wake up and get my ass OUTTA there. Sheesh.

I’ll be thinking of you. Hang in there, whatever happens.

Best,
karol

13

Some previous threads, in case I don’t already look like a complete jerk:

I don’t know what to do

lonely

From bad to worse

Noone cares about military spouses

There’s just a pattern of acrossthesea feeling isolated, helpless and obligated to stay. And while I can’t blame her for feeling that way, it pains me to see her continually staying in a situation that she could leave, and has been offered concrete advice – some from military spouses – on how to extricate herself.

14

Given the previous threads about difficulties with her husband, I am a little worried.

In a normal situation (like the one Garius describes) you shouldn’t worry. But there comes a time when a man needs to suck it up and do what he has to do to reassure his woman. It’s part of the deal. You do our weird sex things on occasion, and we share our feelings with you on occasion. With the husband’s previous behavior, I don’t think it is unreasonable for acrossthesea to expect a little effort on her husbands part.