I always expect to pay when I’m out with people, unless they have specifically said that the evening is on them.
I wasn’t aware of this unwritten code. Dropping trousers?? I’m glad I wasn’t there when they paid.
The bottom line here would be, so long as you and hubby were happy with the arrangement, etiquette is whatever you decide it is.
But normally when someone is invited over and a meal is stipulated the host buys. The guest could spring for booze or a dessert if desired as an expression of gratitude and because that’s just what friends do.
Splitting the check could be justified in that getting take-out from Outback is going to be decidedly more expensive than a home made lasagna. And you have already described your friends financial situation. Not a problem for them, but they will be having some considerable expenses in the near future.
You’ve never heard two men debating who will pay the bill in a restaurant? I don’t WANT to pay, but even more I don’t want to be seen as unable or unwilling to pay.
In this case I would bet the two guys got to the food joint - guest guy said “split the bill” - host guy said “cool, thanks”. Debate over who was more Manly averted thereby saving countless lives.
I’d rather err on the side of caution. I’d rather offer to pay and have it turned down, than have my friend/relative silently seethe because I didn’t offer to pony up.
My son was relying on his friends to drive him since he didn’t have his license yet. He repeatedly offered gas money, only to be threatened within an inch of his life if he offered again. He asked me if he should keep offering. I told him yes…give the friend the opportunity to say, “No thanks, dude.” In one case, he did sneak the girl a $10…she did a lot of chauffering.
The rule taught me in countless etiquette classes throughout my youth (and which I follow to this day and have taught my children) is the person inviting pays unless discussed beforehand. For example:
Situation A: My husband and I invite Bob and Sally to dinner – “Hey Bob, would you and Sally like to go to dinner with us?” My husband and I pay.
Situation B: My husband and I would like to hang out with Bob and Sally but can’t afford to foot their bill – “Hey Bob, would you and Sally like to go to dinner with us, dutch treat?” We pay for our meal, they pay for theirs.
Situation C: Bob and Sally invite us to dinner – “Hey Litoris, why don’t you guys join us for dinner?” I would expect them to pay, but would bring money to cover our meal, just in case. Not everyone was brought up with the whole etiquette thing.
Of course, I am married currently, so I mentioned that. When I was single, I still lived by that rule – if a guy asked me out, I expected him to pay, but if I invited him I expected to pay. That’s just the way it works.
It all depends. (And Emily Post be hanged.)
Our best friends since the Dorms are another couple & we love hanging out with them. Our kids now love hanging out with each other too. From those poor college days to present day, when food got bought take-out, the bill got split 50/50. When food was cooked, a thank you, a bottle of wine and a dessert was and is sufficient. (as well as a reciprocal invitation) We are close enough to know we are all on budgets, so we all try to keep to them as best as possible. If a coupon is brought by one couple to a restaurant, the bill is split 50/50 before coupon (as is the tip).
And on another note, may I say that this whole subject is a YMMV subject? Examining your friendships by reading these 2-3 threads is about as wise as torpedoing your relationships with ‘Mademoiselle’ Relationship Quizes. These are your friends people; they were there for you and yours when the chips were down. And you don’t have to justify that to Anyone.
puts away soapbox
Absolutely. Manners are relative to culture - and culture can be pretty micro - this is the culture of our friends. The dollar dance is - etiquette wise - verboten. But BY GOD I could not avoid a dollar dance at my own wedding - I’m not sure the wedding would have been wholly legal without a chance for my uncles to slip me a $20.
Not much, no. It’s always dutch when I go out with men. For that matter, same with women.
One of the nice things about having good friends is that you can make these sorts of decisions yourselves, without having to defer to some arbitrary social rule about what is and isn’t polite or good manners.
I guess I’m old school, but I’m firmly entrenched in the belief that the guy pays. Dutch only under a very small set of circumstances. No machismo involved, just my own personal code of conduct.
No, I’m not going to drop my coat on a puddle for her to walk over. She can go around or hop over.
exactly. We’ve got a set of very good friends, and going out to dinner (or getting take out) almost always involves taking the check total and dividing by the number of people. No one worries about who had the beer, because next time someone else will have the steak.
On the other hand, my grandmother always picks up the check, even though she’s on a fixed income and my SO and I make good salaries.
Formal etiquette rules are what you use when you don’t know the other people well enough to have figured all of this out. After that, use what works for you.
Since they invited you for dinner and then decided on take out, they should have paid. Also, it strikes me as tacky that your friend asked for money, unless there’s a history of this happening and the bill being split.
Well, yeh, with friends one (hopefully) knows how it will work out, but formal etiquette rules are guidelines as to how to behave in a polite society.
So many responses in this thread are “screw emily Post” and “eitquette rules are useless” and I just don’t understand that mentality. Honestly, if you just don’t know what the “proper” etiquette is, do as the OP did and ask. Maybe I misunderstood the OP, but it seemed to me like the question was “what’s the proper way to handle this type of situation?” Which implies we’re not talking about with your friends, but with other adults in general.
Because “etiquette rules” are pointless exercises that only serve in making the the ones that make the rules feel superior.
There shouldn’t be rules for a lot of these situations, it should be on a case by case basis and worrying about what’s “proper” is expending energy that could be better spent doing anything else.
Etiquette rules are cultural and meant to smooth (sometimes uncomfortable) social situations.
…yet they have been bastardized for use to socially exclude and to insult/belittle.
Maybe it’s less an F-U to Emily Post than it is a Hearty F-U to the people who professionally use etiquette as a fence instead of the bridge it was meant to be?
Unfortunately, to many etiquette rules have been codified and calcified. While a specific rule may once have had a practical use, they often no longer have a real use.
is still relevent.
Not so much.
For a good laugh, check out: Etiquette - By Emily Post
I was raised in a more formal culture of hospitality. If you are invited to my house then you are a Guest, and a guest most certainly does NOT pay for food or drink at my house. If I, for whatever reason, have not prepared or provided for dinner beforehand and we end up ordering food in, I will make the necessary arrangements to do so and pay for it. If you offer to pay your share, you offer will be appreciated but declined. If you attempt to intercept the delivery at the door so as to pay, I will physically box you out like Dennis Rodman for a rebound.
It’s different if we’re going out together for dinner. But even if it was a spur of the moment thing, like we all met up somewhere or even by accident and just came back to my house, the Law of Hospitality would apply.
On the other hand, if we’re going out for dinner and you’re visiting from out of town, even if you didn’t come into town just to see me, you are now in the category of Visitor/Guest and you are Not Paying. I will wrestle the bill from your hand or intercept the waiter/waitress at the kitchen door if necessary.
I know this is not universal, especially in Modern America, so if I am in the reverse situation I will always offer to pay for my family (especially since I have three kids, more than any of my friends, some of who are childless) and not take too offense if the offer is accepted. I will notice it, though.
It’s a different world here nn Japan, where their are fewer invitations to people’s homes and the expecation is that people will split the bill for eating out.