I would hesitate to describe the cultural upbringing I had as formal, but certainly, it is deeply ingrained in me that if you’re in my house, I’m going to feed you. I’m pretty much the opposite of the pushy matriarchal stereotype except when I find myself standing in front of a totally not hungry guest listing everything that we have that they might feel like eating and offering to purchase anything that we don’t have that they might feel like eating if that’s what it takes to feed them.
I do try not to be as pushy as my natural instinct dictates, but certainly no-one’s splitting the bill for takeout when they visit us.
Can I throw in a wrinkle? I’ve always considered it rude to order something more expensive than your host, if your host is paying.
Now, I don’t frequent those tony restaurants where the prices aren’t printed on the menu, so I can see how much my choices are. I am not going to order the filet mignon/lobster tail if someone else is paying. Likewise, I would not expect someone else to take advantage of my generosity. It’s not a matter of money, or stinginess, but politeness. Just because someone else is footing the bill doesn’t mean I’m going to take their money and run with it.
As an ex-waitress, please please please work this out ahead of time. I swear, there were times I was tempted to draw a center circle, like on a basketball court, and declare a jumpball. I had tables where I had people at both ends jesturing for me to bring them the ticket, even offering me an extra tip if I did. Fuck that. I’d find the place at the center of the table and drop it there. They can scrabble for it.
There is a perfect example of my father and father-in-law. I made a rule never to dine with both at the same time. It’s sad for the grandkids to watch the Pops duking it out. They even got into a pissing contest once about their retired ranks from the Navy as a means to settle it.
I can’t even begin to express the shock and dismary and how I made the digesting meal ‘terribly unenjoyable’ the one time I paid for dinner prior to the ordering.
If I am a houseguest I will offer to take you out to dinner one night as a thank you. You may decline this offer “oh, no, you really don’t have to” I may press “I’d really like to” and you may refuse “I’d rather not.”
You now have no excuse to complain about the big glass bowl I thought was lovely and you think is hideous that I send as a hostess gift. You can avoid the horror of the hospitality knick knack by accepting a dinner as a thank you.
That’s when you tell them they can BOTH pay you, but at least one of them has to pay in cash. They both get to feel important, the restaurant gets their tab paid, and you make out like a bandit with a 100+% tip.
I think it’s just got to be on a case by case basis. For me, it would all depend on who the friends were, if there’s any sort of history between us relating to this (so-and-so insists on doing it this way), if it’s a special occasion, who invited, and if there’s a big difference in income.
You can probably tell by this that I don’t really like eating out with people I’m not already close to. I know that if I we take my parents out we’re paying but they’ll fuss, his parents will pay or die, Friend A will get a separate check, with Friends B & C we’ll have to fight to get the check even if it’s our turn to pay, and Friend D will always assume she’s being treated even under odd circumstances. It’s all about what makes everyone most comfortable.